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Daughters husband left her for an ex girlfriend contacted him on the Internet

(45 Posts)
Twig14 Sun 14-Jun-20 21:56:42

My daughter has just told us her husband has decided to leave her after an old girlfriend he met as a young teen got online n contacted him. He’s in Dubai working she lives in Austria our daughter has been here in UI during lockdown. She never told us until today as I lost my father to the virus. She’s devastated. No children but in her early 40s. I’m doing my best to help her I’m so upset as she gave her job everything up to move to Middle East last year. My Son in law like my son it’s totally out of character and until recently all was ok. Any advice appreciated

Namsnanny Sun 14-Jun-20 22:24:38

I'm not sure I know what advice to give Twig14

This must be such a shock for you, especially as you say you have just lost your Father.

Your daughter has been carrying this by herself for a little while it seems, in an effort to protect you from further hurt and distress.

I don't see that for the next few days you have much choice but to sit it out. Hour by hour.
Listen to her, share the hurt, be together in this. Do anything that is within your power to get through.

On step at a time.

Others will have good advice I'm sure.

Keep posting if it helps.


paddyanne Sun 14-Jun-20 23:45:23

Mid life crisis? My OH 's friend left his wife 10 weeks ago for a younger woam who"shared all his interests" his wife has health problems so cant do things she did before.
On Friday he called myOH to say he was going home ,I think lockdown with the new woman showed him the grass wasn't greener .Maybe your SIL will see he's made the wrong choice and IF she can forgive him they can make a fresh start .I hope it works out how she hopes

Hithere Mon 15-Jun-20 01:09:31

Terrible news. This shows we really never know anybody.

I get the feeling she is much better off in the long term. She will be ok and happy again.

pigsmayfly. Mon 15-Jun-20 16:13:53

I think the new relationship will be a disaster. There was a reason they split up when they were teenagers. When they are actually together ( the new couple) things won’t work out. Your son in law will be saddled with guilt.
The chances are your daughters marriage needed some work. I don’t mean to be unkind, but perfectly happy and content people rarely leave their wives.
This may not be good advice but how about your daughter gets some counselling? She needs to realise that she has choices. She is young and may have a much better relationship with someone else. Or, if he wants her back she needs to talk through that as a possibility. I wish you and her all the very best x

Toadinthehole Mon 15-Jun-20 16:30:34

There’s not much you can do except listen and support where you can. We have a similar thing going on in our family at the moment, and I’ve said it’s just a case of waiting and playing the long game. Most likely, it’ll be very different in six months time, and hopefully for the better. I wish you all the best.

Namsnanny Mon 15-Jun-20 16:34:03

The thing is pigsmayfly who's marriage doesn't need work, at some point?
Reading someone elses mind and fulfilling their unasked for needs is nigh on impossible.

I do hope you and your daughter are coping. In this situation I agree with pigsmayfly counselling could very well be a great support for her to off load her innermost fears.
As paddyanne says I hope it works out for her too.

From our perspective Twig14 … 40 years of age is very young, but she may need lots of support and encouragement to see that for herself.

So sorry your sil did this,

Newatthis Mon 15-Jun-20 17:11:37

This happens so often - ex's getting in touch on the internet with their old flames and striking up a relationship, and it doesn't seem to matter whether the couple (who they are splitting up) are married or that children might be involved. It must be awful for all of you and your daughter must be not only devastated but terribly hurt. Has you spoken to SiL at all? Your daughter will need a lot of support. Maybe, when possible she could see a trained counsellor who might be better at giving her professional advice.

janeayressister Tue 16-Jun-20 09:43:14

Please don’t join in badmouthing your SIL as he may come back when he realises that the grass isn’t greener. All you can do is listen to your daughter through this painful time.
You are also having a really bad time? Have you got someone who is listening and supporting you?
Just think about what you need and that will give you the solution to what your daughter needs. Virtual hugs xxxx

crazygranny Tue 16-Jun-20 09:45:58

So very, very sorry
Sending love to you all

Nan0 Tue 16-Jun-20 09:54:38

Agonising...sit tight and weather the storm..Show your daughter all your love and try to be positive.Maybe SIL will come to his senses...but can D hard...

Esmerelda Tue 16-Jun-20 09:57:04

Oh Twig how awful for her. All you can do is give her as much love and support as you can and assure her things will get better.
This happened to me once ... old girlfriend, who had previously dumped my chap during uni days to go off to Australia, got back in touch with him and he was off like a dog called to heel. She just wanted to use him as things didn't work out for her in Oz and when she returned to the UK she found herself all at sea with no friends or contacts. It was just leftover feelings from him and no feelings from her. Needless to say it didn't work out (there were two young children involved, which she didn't want to deal with).
I moved on and left him to stew in his own juice. It was harsh but I could never trust him again. Your daughter will have to make her own choice should he come crawling back to her but, once again, just offer all your love and support without judgement.

Dee1012 Tue 16-Jun-20 09:59:32

Such a sad situation, as others have said, all you can do at the moment, is listen and support your daughter through this.
Has he actually "gone" to be with the ex-girlfriend or just left the marriage?

valerieventers Tue 16-Jun-20 10:00:52

thank goodness your daughter has you to lean on. Hopefully, as time passes she will accept the situation. My husband and I live in Dubai, and sadly, this is a common occurence over here. So hurtful and sad just now, tell her, the best revenge is HAPPINESS!
All the very best xxx

valerieventers Tue 16-Jun-20 10:03:24

you get into big trouble here if you live with someone, only if you are married. He will be heading for prison, and then kicked out of country.

NannyG123 Tue 16-Jun-20 10:05:40

I know its not the same, can you facetime, or Skype. Your d knows you are there for her,as she is for you, albeit at a distance.

Juicylucy Tue 16-Jun-20 10:07:16

I’ve heard this many times since the rise of Facebook, old ex’s searching out previous partners. Very few have survived it’s the thrill and excitement but it rarely lasts. Out off the ones I know of, only one lasted, and they literally ran away to a new life, new house, new jobs new area, so no really knows if they even survived. Lots of advise already given. My advise to you would be, even though it’s early days she needs to prepare herself for how she wants to handle this if and when he comes crawling back. Of course she’ll want him back with open arms as she is hurting, however it’s a long hard road after infidelity and there will be many problems on a very bumpy road. She won’t trust anything he says or does and he will need to give her a lot of reassurance, this alone puts pressure on an already fragile marriage. At this early stage just listen and dont have any judgement on him. Sorry for loss of your husband.

Beanie654321 Tue 16-Jun-20 10:07:18

People forget that marriage is not always a bed of Rose's, but some thing that needs working on. You both have to be respectful and mindful of the other person, some thing that is often forgotten. I've been married 40 years this year and at times could happily throttle DH, but I sit and think and realise that I still love him and would not be without him, I'm sure he does the same thing. I know that isolation hasn't helped with some marriages and has shown imperfections in some, but it gives others a time to strengthen what they have. Xxx

Jillybird Tue 16-Jun-20 10:13:30

Agree with all others' comments: not much you can do aside from being a shoulder to cry on, and try not to say too much negative about SIL in case they do reignite their marriage.

I have a little experience of similar with an old flame getting in touch with me - we were boyfriend and girl friend from ages 14 - 19 when I went away to college (and discovered there were many more fish in the sea!) and he joined the navy. He got in touch when I was newly divorced at age 26 but he was married by then and after meeting his wife I stayed clear. Then out of the blue he found me again when we were both in our sixties. We had both got new partners by then. I still think if anything happened to render me single, he'd be on my case.

My own 40yr old son is still unable to forget his first love. He was suicidal when she left him and although he's had two lovely long-term girlfriends since then, he's never got over the first, as I am well aware.

I often wonder if there are women like this too. My only experience is with men who hold an unrealistic candle for many, many years.

Perhaps your poor daughter will find another man, in time, who is worthy of her. In the meantime all you can do is love and support. So sad. X

Dee1012 Tue 16-Jun-20 10:19:56

Jillybird, I think there are some women who do cling to the memory of a first love.
I have a friend in that position...I think she's actually created this romantic fantasy in her head as a wall to prevent anyone getting close to her.
It's very sad....I tend to think an ex' is an ex for a reason.

Justanotherwannabe Tue 16-Jun-20 10:28:59

I agree with Jayanregister, DON'T say anything against him. If they do get back together it won't be forgotten.

It happened to my DSL, we were very careful not to voice anything we thought (and we did). They got back together and 40 years later they're happy.

mumofmadboys Tue 16-Jun-20 10:36:58

If your DD can just wait it out with your loving support her husband will probably rapidly realise his huge mistake and be keen to repair the marriage. This ex girlfriend can't be a nice person to deliberately try and break up a marriage. I am sorry you have lost your DF to coronavirus. Your DD is fortunate to have you both. Dont say anything negative about your SIL even if you feel like killing him! I sincerely hope things improve for you all.

jaylucy Tue 16-Jun-20 10:44:07

I feel so sad for your DD at this very difficult time for you both.
Sorry, but the relationship between DD and her OH really couldn't have been as good as she believed, as is often the case and I would guess that this other woman has been someone that SiL has always carried a torch for, believing that there was unfinished business between the two of them (haven't we all felt that at some point with a teen romance?)
You can only be a support for her at this time. As others have said, don't bad mouth the SiL, just let her rant and rave against him if she needs to but whatever you do DON'T say that you are not taking sides as she will automatically feel that you are!
I just hope he sees the error of his ways , comes back (if she still wants him to) and they can start afresh.

dizzygran Tue 16-Jun-20 10:50:31

So sorry for you and DD. These things happen - the grass is greener and men are gullible. People change and they are not teenagers any more. There is not a lot you or DD can do. Be there for her. Look for the positives and plan for her independent future gradually. Try not to talk about this all the time. Be positive. Encourage DD to look up old friends and any family she is close to - easier when lockdown improves. Go shopping if you can - she is still relatively young. Get her motivated to make a life and how her that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Good wishes to you both.

Susieq62 Tue 16-Jun-20 10:52:13

You cannot @ctuallt DO any5hing but be there and support her as a listening ear, shoulder to cry on. It all seems horrible at the moment, and it is, so take it a day at a time. Being apart probably hasn’t helped and the grass always seems to be greener on the other side. Wait and se3.
Your daughter will survive . Mine has after her partner of 13 years dumped her fir a younger model. As parents we can only support , nit interfere. U& needed, encourage your daughter to get counselling. It dies help to have an outsider listen and advise. You are too close plus probably angry.
Good luck to you all