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Having a down day

(37 Posts)
joanna12 Sun 30-Aug-20 18:37:07

Hello,I know I am a misery and feel awful and selfish for feeling sorry for myself but yet again I am,getting a bit fed up with myself.Yesterday we had our fortnightly visit to our son and family,grandchild age 2 and half and baby six month,we get to sit in their garden with them inside the window,they won't come out and I respect that yet still I moan,don is working from home they have had three walks since march and I don't see an end to it,they are expecting a second lockdown and are not taking any chances but I do want to hug my grandchildren the two and a half year old wanted to come outdoors for a picnic he said be not allowed and it's hard to keep him at the window,I really don't know how much longer I can cope with this,after every visit I spend days in bits and think shall I carry on as long as it takes or just not go because it's so hard.I know I should be grateful for anything but it breaks my heart.

B9exchange Sun 30-Aug-20 18:50:51

Goodness Joanna, I am so sorry, that is extreme, is there a reason for them to be so very afraid? If they are not following the guidance from the UK.Gov, which would allow you to meet up inside, socially distanced, unless you are on your own and forming a bubble with them, in which case you can cuddle your grandchildren.

Are they trying to protect you or themselves?

I thought some of our family were rather taking it to extremes, but they will at least come into the garden with us. Perhaps they are worried that the two and a half year old might run up to you, but they could put him/her on reins if that was their worry? flowers

biba70 Sun 30-Aug-20 18:53:20

Oh I feel for you- did you read the thread about OCD being made so much worse by Covid19? Many of us find ourselves in the same predicament and of course can't say anything. So rant away here- I am with you all the way x

BlueBelle Sun 30-Aug-20 18:54:11

Whose doing the shielding and why. You have been able to meet with family For weeks or are you all living in a very high risk area?
Is the baby or the 2 year old ill children ?
Well I d be miserable in your situation it all sounds very extreme

Illte Sun 30-Aug-20 19:48:06

They have to do what feels safe to them. Cuddling your grandchildren might make you feel good but then it might produces days of anxiety for them. I must admit I don't entirely understand the overriding need to hold and hug.

You obviously feel they are too extreme but do they think you are too relaxed? How much other mixing are you doing?

My friend who mixes freely with family and friends, sharing car rides abs even going to parties thinks she's being careful but I wouldn't let her visit me.

BlueBelle Sun 30-Aug-20 20:11:27

i don’t entirely understand the overriding need to hold and hug it’s a natural normal need in humans and in most animals
Are the children ill? Or are you in a high risk area it sounds so extreme there are babies and toddlers out and about in the streets and shops where I live

Illte Sun 30-Aug-20 20:25:59

I suppose I think a hug is nice and yes it's a natural thing, but we don't have to hug people in order to enjoy being with them, not even grandchildren.

Maybe the parents let the grandson out into the garden if they could feel confident the OP would keep distance.

Ultimately its their choice and what they feel safe with.

LauraNorder Sun 30-Aug-20 20:34:44

Hugs and cuddles are natural and normal but these times are not natural or normal. Perhaps the parents are concerned for you and for their children. Could you promise not to cuddle and just play chasing games or kicking the ball about with lots of laughter and blowing kisses.
Not ideal but better than feeling so low, hope you feel brighter soon.

EllanVannin Sun 30-Aug-20 20:38:51

I hugged my GGD yesterday, who was full of a cold, lives a long way away in a different area etc etc. I hadn't seen her since March and because she's only just turned 12 isn't in the teenage bracket but I wasn't bothered anyway.
One gets fed up living like a leper.

BlueBelle Sun 30-Aug-20 20:42:01

ellenvallin I totally agree I ve had bugs with my teen grandkids for weeks not every day I don’t see them that much but when I do we have a hug I cannot live a life of fear

Illte Sun 30-Aug-20 20:43:51

Fair enough. Your decision (and hers) your risk.

But others are making different decisions for themselves and their children. And that's right for them.

As long as you don't then take your risk to others and keep your distance from them.

LauraNorder Sun 30-Aug-20 20:48:17

Agree with Illte. We must do our own risk assessment, make our own choices but we must respect the choices made by others.

Lolo81 Sun 30-Aug-20 21:00:06

Maybe the wee one’s ages are why they’re not allowed out while you’re over? As other say it’s human nature to seek out physical contact and at that young age it would by nigh on impossible to explain social distancing and have the child understand.
This is such a trying time for everyone, but please try not to take it so personally OP. Maybe try taking some time to prepare yourself for these visits and instead of looking at the glass being half full, instead focus on the positives of having healthy happy GC’s whose parents are making sure they are safe.
Are you able to video call and see your GC that way? It might be less stressful for you than sitting in the garden? And with the camera on a phone you could engage with the wee one as he’s playing etc?
I do understand your frustration and I commend you for respecting the wishes of the parents. I’d go fix a cuppa and get into a good book to take my mind off of the situation for tonight x

joanna12 Tue 01-Sep-20 08:18:21

Thank you for the replies.

joanna12 Tue 01-Sep-20 08:27:50

I really worry about my son and his family I know he's an adult he's mid thirties,but he's an only child and an only grandchild plus we are the only living grandparents.My son I know has mental health issues,we don't talk about it,that's his choice but I really would listen maybe one day when he feels it's right.But I know the virus must be so hard with everything else for him and I can only sit back and wait.They have left the house three times since march for a walk early in the morning,apart from us outside their window have seen nobody I know it's his choice but god I miss my grandchildren and the eldest seems accepting that mamgi is outside which is good but how long will it last,we took my parents Saturday it's only an hour visit but my dad in his eighties hot really upset he can't understand it,him and my mum have been opposite to my son during lockdown they would not stay home,I really tried but they got so cross with me, they have been lucky so far.Its so hard I know if I don't go up I am just doing what's best for me not my grandchildren.Some days it just gets to much says miserable me sorry.

Susan56 Tue 01-Sep-20 08:39:18

No wonder you worry Joanna.It can’t be healthy for any of them not leaving the house.As you say he’s an adult and it has to be his choice but it does seem extreme.

We all have to make our own decisions as to how we deal with the current situation but you seem to be dealing with two extremes with your son and parents which must be so difficult for you.

I’m sorry I have no advice for you but just to say I can understand your worry for your grandchildren.💐

Dorsetcupcake61 Tue 01-Sep-20 08:47:41

Joanna12 I do find this very concerning. Everyone has very different views on what they will or wont do regarding the virus. I'm high risk but have ventured out and had garden meetings with grandchildren in garden who aged 5 and 2. Their mother is very responsible and follows guidelines. That said my grandchilderen have been out for at least a walk every day and play in garden. The eldest starts school tomorrow.
To be honest my concern is for your eldest grandchild.
Of course circumstances vary. One of the family could be shielded. They could live in an area where there are high rates of infection.
If none of this applies I find it quite concerning that a toddler has been kept indoors pretty much since March and it appears this may not change. If they are not at risk from health issues and in light of your sons rather vague mental health problems im quite concerned for the wellbeing of those childeren.

Oopsadaisy4 Tue 01-Sep-20 08:56:19

I’m assuming that the children are allowed out into the garden to play? And I’m also assuming that your son is working ? And that his wife is happy with all of these arrangements?

If your son is not working because of his mental condition and the wife and children are actually kept indoors, then I would be very concerned That they were almost being held indoors against their will.

Are you able to speak to his wife to find out what is happening?

If the children and their mother are able to use the garden etc. Then I just think that they are being ultra cautious and there really is very little you can do about it.

joanna12 Tue 01-Sep-20 08:58:48

My son's very difficult and I worry that it must be our fault as parents we let him down.I will give you a few for instances,my son has not been to our house thirty miles away from him for three years,he will not travel on the motorway and he is genuinely anxious traveling so we have always visited him,meaning our grandchildren have never been to our house,my beautiful struggles with so much yet he holds down a good job he's a lecturer, and had been working thoughout lockdown but from home so the worry of going back must be hell for him,but we don't talk about these things I just want to hug him and help him but don't know what to do.The two year old grandson wanted to come into the garden Saturday but he's not allowed while we are there,and I am guessing a few days after so germ free,I don't know how to handle this,my daughter in-law agrees with my son and I understand they are doing this for the children.

Lolo81 Tue 01-Sep-20 09:34:46

OP one of your updates has said that you took your parents who haven’t followed lockdown as well as you would like. I think perhaps that may be an additional reason for your son and DIL not wanting physical contact. Unfortunately this is a situation where you really can’t do anything. I would have concerns over a grandparent coming into my home or having physical contact with my children if they had been seeing/ spending time with people who were not being careful. Your son seems to be taking COVID very seriously, that’s his prerogative as an adult - you can still see your GC, even though the method isn’t your ideal. In your shoes I’d continue to support your son and his decisions as you have been.

joanna12 Tue 01-Sep-20 09:43:47

Thank you.i will continue to support my son,just worry as this goes on for them it will get worst because they have had no other contact apart from us,but it's so hard watching your family live like this.

Dorsetcupcake61 Tue 01-Sep-20 10:06:04

Joanna I may be wrong but I sense your concern and gut feeling is that your sons concerns go beyond necessary precautions. His wife may appear compliant but then with no other outside contact that could be quite easily explained. Do they see her parents? Do they visit? She has a young baby. Health visitors etc.?
I have wondered if they have genuinely seen no one else or whether it's just easier to state that rather than have to face a lot of attempts at persuasion for visits?
They could just be an introverted couple who are quite content to be isolated. That said it's not healthy for that to be extended to a young child.
This pandemic has affected peoples mental health in many ways. If your son suffered from anxiety and maybe OCD prior to the pandemic the current situation could have been enough to take him from a condition that impacts on every day life to one that is totally debilitating.
A return to work could indeed be a pivotal moment as it is indeed a high risk setting. I wish you well.

joanna12 Tue 01-Sep-20 10:32:52

Thank you,no we are the only grandparents,by daughter in-law lost both of her in the last seven years very suddenly.The baby is nine months old and two and a half they have no health visitor visits etc,and I have started to think what would her mother say,to try and help me talk to them.I am scared to talk to my son he was difficult before so I am guessing now he's at his limit stress wise,plus we try to make that hour about the children I have sent toys via Amazon the previous wk so they are excited with toys and never really feels right to talk plus we are outside a window and aware our chat maybe heard by neighbours.Really hard.thank you all means a lot.

Dorsetcupcake61 Tue 01-Sep-20 10:42:45

I do wish you luck,its an awful situation to be in. At least the line of communication is still open.💐

Illte Tue 01-Sep-20 11:18:02

A relative is a doctor specialising in geriatrics. Every new Covid case he has treated in the past weeks has come from close contact with a family member or a friend.

You have close contact with your parents who are out and about quite a lot so I can see that your son and his wife don't want you to have close contact with them. I think this is a reasonable decision.

When you say you are trying to think what to say to "help you talk to them" do you really mean "persuade them to change" to what you want?

I know you are worrying that your grandson does not get out but truthfully, other than the contact you want, where would he go? No toddler groups going on, no going round to friends houses to mix and mingle.

We are all experiencing a pause in our normal family life. You do actually have more than many at the current time who cannot even get to see their families. I have not seen two of mine since March.