What to do???

Just like annie55w, I got out of a similar relationship 5 years ago and have not looked back since. I also owned my own home and was a little worried at first that he may have had some claim on it, but he didn't as I paid all the bills and there was no mortgage on it.
I'm so much happier on my own and will never look for another man in my life again. There may be a lot of good ones out there, but my experience of men is that a lot of them are selfish, controlling little boys.
Sorry to be so negative to all of you out there with happy relationships, but I am only commenting on my own experience.
I have a great life now. A lovely son and daughter and two beautiful grandchildren, plus lots of friends that have kept me sane during the past 6 months of Covid-19 restrictions.

Listen to what your heart tells you !!. We no that feeling all oF us get it . Feel it listen to it make YOUR decision. You and you alone can do what is right ....

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

This may be helpful OP.

It sounds to me like he has no respect for you and treats you like his servant. I was told by my partner that I was crazy and it was all in my head, hence I’m not, and he’s now my ex. If in doubt get out much easier younger you are.

There is a book called “why does he do that” by Lundy Bancroft, which goes into great detail about abusive behaviour, well worth you reading and if it then rings bells, give women’s aid a call for further support

I think you need to assert yourself more than you are doing. It is normal and proper for people who share their lives to tell each other what they want without fearing abuse.

What, after all, is the worst that could happen if you stood up to him?

He might not even realise his behaviour has become unpleasant for you.

My advice would be to go your separate ways as this relationship sounds all about what he wants, and you are expected to comply. That’s a classic sign, being accused of being difficult, just because you voice your own feelings. He is telling you that you are not entitled to opinions, just by his actions. By telling you to see a Dr re memory issues is just cruel as it’s making you doubt yourself, that’s despicable, and classic behaviour for a controller too.
Ive always said that if someone does not enhance your life you need to let go and get some peace in your head, good luck.

Emotional abuse is dreadful. It was not until long after my husband died that it dawned on me how controlling he had been and how free i had become. A classic case of not seeing wood because of the trees! If you choose to separate please make sure that your finances are safe. Bes to check with a Solicitor to make sure. Good Luck.

Don't spend the rest if your life miserable. I got out of a marriage similar to yours. He controlled finances, what we did etc. A whole drama if I wanted to go & see friends or family on my own. If we had places to go to with his work, etc, I had to attend, but if it was something to do with my life, he would of sulked saying he wasn't going. It was always his way or no way. You sound fine financially which is great, have a family to help you through it, so I honestly wouldn't live the way you are anymore. Ten years now I'm on my own, he has destroyed my faith in another relationship working, but I have my own home and can now see people without a huge row before and after. Life is good now.

If you have been used to the dynamic of control in your close relationships, it would feel comfortable to you to be wiht a controlling partner. It took me many years to work out that I had been pre programmed by my mother, whose own mother abandoned her family for another man, to be comfortable in a controlling relationship.
Do have a look at the site of Kim Saeed, an American psychotherapist who specialises in helping those in a relationship with someone with NPD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
I have been enormously helped by her emails and information during the traumatic realisation that not only my ex husband, but also my daughter both have NPD.
It helped me very much to have a phone session wiht Kim, in addition to the therapy I had entered temporarily in order to come to terms wiht the terrible truth that my daughter's highly critical attitude towards me was a result of her having inherited this from her father.
I wish you well as you take the best action out of this situation with your partner.
Undoubtedly your development through your counselling sessions will have allowed you to realise the dynamic of your relationship, and this is why counselliing is so very valuable.

You still have many years ahead of you, they can be fun and exciting If you have the nerve to finish your relationship now.
No point in waiting any longer as things will only progress worse.
Go for it!!!

In truth I think you know the answer and because he’s been gaslighting you, you don’t trust yourself anymore. To thine own self be true! Good luck

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Everyone deserves to be happy, and that happiness is enhanced by those we love. He's not fulfilling his half of the partnership.

Gran16

I have been in your shoes and was often told to 'see a doctor because I wasn't right in the head'. After ten years of marriage, thankfully no children with him, he left. He called my bluff, he really thought I would beg him to stay, no I had had enough, and the day he left was on my eldest sons graduation day(he had the choice to go) no he couldn't bear to see my boys and me happy. The best decision I have ever made. That was 2006 and I am now living my happily ever after.

Gran16 - There are obvious difficulties in your relationship and although you only allude to the bedroom and your partner's controlling behaviour in the sexual side of your life, I feel as a psychotherapist that there is much being unsaid here. Before you make any decisions, I would go to a counsellor and thoroughly explore your feelings and the behaviour to which you are subjected. You don't need to tell anybody, least of all your partner. Get the whole issue clear in your head before you do that. Once you are clear then you can call your partner out on every instance of controlling behaviour he displays towards you. Gaslighting is much more serious because that aims to challenge your own belief in yourself and if your partner is trying to convince you that you are losing your memory but objective evidence from friends tells you this is not the case, then you are in the realms of a much more damaging relationship. Gaslighters do very often project their own inadequacies onto those they try to control. Please seek professional help. This does not need to be via regular sessions, you may find that two or three sessions is enough for you to clarify your thinking. Good luck with this. Please don't let it lie.

Agree - sounds very much like gaslighting. So many women - me included - have found themselves single again in their late 50s. I’m now 62 and a few years out of a long marriage in which my then husband displayed the same behaviours as you describe. My advice would be to seek a solicitor’s advice. Decide what you want in life. Personally, I’m glad I’m on my own. No more whingeing when I challenged him (they don’t like strong women - and yes, they accuse you of being the one playing mind games and controlling). Complete freedom to be the person I was meant to be. Life’s too short and there are so many things to discover and get involved in. You don’t have to be dragged down by anyone.

Have you considered relationship counselling first if that doesn’t work I would then leave at least you could then say you have tried.

Definitely some form of emotional abuse going on. The next step will be to try and get you to believe that ‘it’s all your fault’ or that ‘you’re imagining things’. This will in turn begin to affect your confidence. You sound as though you have the motivation to take action right now.

I agree with most others that this is classic controlling behaviour. Also concerned at the ages of his children and the length of the relationship. It was certainly very convenient for him when his relationship/marriage with the mother of his children broke down to find someone with a house and sound finances who was willing to look after not only him but also his three children on a regular basis! Are you sure he has no claim? Has he contributed to the mortgage at anytime? Has he helped out on any extensions, done substantial repairs etc? Take care as he sounds pretty manipulative. Find out exactly where you stand first from a solicitor and then take steps to have him removed. Keep a record of all his controlling behaviours and past behaviour and incidents. Please be very very careful as these situations can suddenly turn extremely nasty, especially once he realises you are serious. He has a lot to lose and may try to charm you back to him. If that fails it could, as I say, turn nasty. I speak as a recently retired family solicitor.

~Gran16

I feel truly sorry for you but once again we do not know the story from the man's side. He sounds a very unpleasant and uncaring person, but has this emerged only recently or was there no inkling of what he might be like before you got married?

Don't blame yourself. Even the happiest of marriages can go through a sticky patch for a number of reasons but can often be solved by sitting down together and talking about it before things have become as serious as your's seem to be. .t is easy to be wise after the event but I would never have committed to a man who showed any inkling of the tendencies your husband does.I think you may have taken on a control freak who can be very dangerous and you may have to consider very carefully, which includes taking legal advice, whether the time has come to end it. I doubt whether his behaviour will improvebut rather get worse.

You are still a young woman. Please don't waste your life just make a new one for yourself. Good luck!

If you are asking the question 'is he worth it', I think you know that he is not. He found you - an 'older' woman with you own house- to look after him. This is not an equal, balanced relationship and it is making you unhappy and doubting yourself. You sound lovely and I hope you make the decision to live a life that brings you joy and happiness.

Gran 16 I suggest you have a look at Quora on the internet. Most of it on there is about narcissists. I was in the same position as you ten years ago. I had no idea people like this existed and was very shocked to realise that I had been living with one for 15 years. I got out of the relationship at once. It was my house we lived in and although he had never paid more than a lodger would pay, he walked away with half the value. Please find the best solicitor there is to fight your corner. They lie through their teeth in court and are very difficult to get one over on. Good luck, You will need it. Pm me if I can help in any way.

Only you can weigh the pluses and minuses. I have been married for 34 years . I am bored although I work , cook , clean etc it would be great if a trip was organised for me ..even a 15 min walk to a pre -booked meal but I feel I do 1000% of the running but ..we have 5 sons together who would be devastated if we split and more for him than me.
Maybe do more with your friends and leave him to it as you may be more appreciated then . I plan to cut my hours soon but certainly won't be hanging around at home.

Very sorry indeed for your sad situation. It's very difficult to face such an upheaval but you have a counsellor who will help you to see what is the right thing for you. You have much to look forward to so do spend time envisaging what you want your life to be like. I'm sure your counsellor will be a great help.