What to do???

I can’t tell you if you should leave but I urge you google ‘gaslighting ‘ it may help you make up your mind .

Listen to your instincts Gran16 if its your perception there is something wrong then there is. It's not easy talking things through if your husband gets upset but I think you need to try and see where the problems are.
Good luck

Generally speaking I'm against breaking up a long term relationship.
My husband became unbearably controlling and was very unpleasant. Then I realised he wasn't very well. In fact he was very poorly and afraid to consult a doctor.
Difficult at the moment, but is it possible to get him an MOT at your surgery?
After treatment, when he became even more unpleasant, by OH gradually regained his previous sunny disposition. Can you remember what attracted you to your's in the first place and work out why he's become so aggressive and downright nasty.
Parting is so very final.

You say that someone who knows you well has suggested emotional abuse - I would suggest in that case they have a better understanding of the situation than we do. If it hasn't been mentioned, there's that term, 'gaslighting' which is a controlling form of abuse. It sounds like you are feeling used. You deserve to be happy and may be better off on your own. Only you can decide and I wish you well.

Telling you your memory is poor and trying to make you feel that you have forgotten things that were never discussed is gaslighting and is one form of control. I am almost at the end of a divorce having realised that my calm, quiet husband had been gently controlling me for years but the last few years has blamed me for every argument and telling me that I have forgotten stuff that he hasn't even told me. Once I saw the light and was more aware I watched out for more of the behaviour and once decided it was definately not me or my memory started divorce proceedings. I have been unhappy for years but couldn't put my finger on anything in particular but once I told him I was divorcing him the quiet calm man the outside world sees became more of the nasty spiteful selfish man he's always been. It's done him no favours as every time he delayed things or made things awkward I've hit him where it hurts, his wallet. Another few weeks and I should be free and I'm already looking forward rather than back. Get our before he completely destroys your self estemm and makes you feel its all your fault. Good luck and find a good solicitor, they are not cheap but mine had been worth the £s

Is your partner suffering with depression? Is there any other factor involved such as alcohol - is he a drinker?

As someone who has had more than one life partner and is now single, I much prefer being on my own.

My advice would be, if you genuinely believe there is no future for your relationship, make a plan to end it. Seek the correct advice with regard his ‘rights’ over any property you own. I wouldn’t go lining a lawyers pocket for it, as there’s plenty of free advice elsewhere.

Good luck. You only have one duty to yourself in life and that is to be happy. YOLO as my teenage daughter keeps telling me. (You Only Live Once)

One of the reasons I have never married is because of a man I was engaged to when young. He started to manipulate me and isolate me from my friends. He even threatened to sleep with someone else if I went out for an evening without him. I went out and and when I next saw him he had a lovebite on his neck. I finally finished with him and he began stalking me, literally walking two paces behind me. I went to the police who weren't interested in those days because it was a "domestic". I finally overdosed, but survived. Get away from that man and find someone who respects you as an equal. You are still young.

It seems to me that your current counseling has been helping you to come more into your own and understand the patterns that have impacted your relationship. Sounds like you are quite capable of taking care of yourself and being on your own. Perhaps that is why you are now questioning your relationship with your partner. Also, as women enter their 50s, I think we become more reflective of our past and current situation and start to understand where we want to be going forward.
I suggest that you seek counseling that will help you to understand what is right for you and enable you to put together a life plan that is best for you. Best wishes for happiness as you embark on this journey.

Is it too much for you to write down topics you have touched upon? It seems to me that he is trying to convince you that you are going senile. paperjacketblog.wordpress.com/2017/11/29/gaslight-and-the-forgotten-abuse-2/

If you are seriously thinking about separating I do not think he is entitled to a share of your house, if you have been paying the mortgage and bills etc., unless he can prove otherwise Obviously things you have purchased jointly he is entitled to a half share. I have googled this before but it would be worth seeking legal advice.
I own my own home and my partner has made improvements to which we have agreed a lump sum payment should I die or we separate.
I have moments when I wonder if I would be better off single as he is obsessed about his hobby and can be incredibly selfish. On the other hand he can be the opposite. I think men and women are so different and it is finding the happy medium.
Your OH sounds quite controlling and does not seem to like the fact that you are standing up for yourself. Fifteen years is a long time and we do get used to our ways of life. If you are really unhappy and are questioning this relationship it may be time to move on. No one needs to put up with something that is making life miserable. Good luck.

Gran16, my first thought on reading your post is ‘gaslighting’, a form of abuse where DP has you constantly doubting yourself. I think you need to get away ASAP.

Do you have any friends who have been divorced and can recommend a good solicitor who will work on your behalf and not just go through the motions? It can make a huge difference to the outcome for your future financial stability.

Things are likely to get worse in the long term so it might be best to make your move whilst you are still able to question his conduct and have enough confidence to make a move.

Is your counselor helping with other aspects of your life?

Perhaps have a go at approaching it like a work/business/household purchase decision and write down the pros and cons of staying? Definitely discuss it with your counsellor - especially if they have been of help in other areas.
If he has changed from being a caring,supportive husband to a controlling one, there may be a physical/psychological reason that could warrant investigation if he'll agree to that.
If it's more the case that you've become more aware of his controlling, unpleasant behaviour; the cons outweigh the pros; and he's unlikely to change or agree to counselling, then it sounds like it's time to move on.
When I was young, I thought separation and divorce only hapened to other people. I'm now in my third marriage to a wonderful man.
My first husband had an affair with a much younger woman; my second husband was controlling while saying he wanted to do things to please me, tried to alienate my children, caused me to become about £60000 worse off, was probably gay but in denial; my third husband is a wonderful, caring man with whom I have an amazing,equal relationship and my children and grandchildren adore him. I could quite easily have stayed with my second husband. We went to a retreat for couples having problems and I hoped we could sort things out. I'm so glad now that I had the courage to leave. In hindsight, I realise he was having a terrible effect on my mental health and I don't know how I would have been able to cope if I had stayed.
It's never too late to have another chance or to find contentment being on your own.

Gran16, I think you are really wanting us to confirm what you are thinking - that your partnership has run its course. I also think that his attempts to undermine you are bullying tactics to make you feel inferior - this is totally unacceptable and you need to get out of this situation..

Sorry, what is 'gaslighting??' Never heard of it, am I an innocent??

Some thoughts on your situation:
You may want to ask yourself...."Am I happy in this marriage? Would I be better off without him?" Will I be happier without him?

If you can answer these honestly, you might be able to look inside your head without your heart getting in the way.

The mere fact that you're weighing the possibility of a breakup, already speaks volumes about your situation and your state of mind.

You may want to speak to both a counselor and a solicitor because your decision depends on much more than just how you feel. Your finances are just as important as is your future.

You can get much needed information without actually taking any action. If you decide to go forward, it will be an informed decision.

I think his behaviour suggests he’s ‘gaslighting‘ you. To cite memory problems on your part to cover up for his controlling behaviour is unforgivable given how high profile dementia is in the media these days - he’s obviously not the slightest bit concerned that his words may spark serious worries for you. Only you can decide whether to end the relationship, but given the fact that you have posted on here and asked friends’ opinions, you obviously have serious misgivings. Maybe sit down and have a full and frank discussion with him, and be honest about the alarm bells he’s ringing. So sorry you’re having to go through this.

It sounds like gaslighting to me too. You really need advice from a professional.

I would only say that, if you are asking this question, you already know you need to get away from this man.

Good luck.

Nobody knows but you, make your mind up and do whatever it is that you want to do. Own house make's it easier to take whatever action you have to do.

Haven't read all the responses but trying to convince you your memory is failing, to the extent of suggesting you see a doctor, could be a form of gaslighting if it's a regular strategy he's using.

Out of the frying pan into the fire is always a danger . . . Make your plans carefully. Also, if you behave like a doormat everyone will wipe their feet on you !

@Gran16 - most of my immediate thoughts have already been said by others. It does sound as though you have reached a point in your life where you need to break away from being unhappy. Nobody has a right to make you feel constantly bad about yourself, to put you down, manipulate you, make you doubt yourself (especially planting a big doubt around your memory and mental health). If there is a high degree of emotional abuse and possible overtones of sexual abuse, I do wonder whether physical and financial abuse will follow if they are not already present. He should not be implying you are developing amnesia/dementia as that is cruel. Has he always been like this or is this sort of behaviour getting worse as time goes on? Is there any possibility he could be ill, suffering mental health problems? Or is he just being a selfish, controlling git? Knowing how these bad traits can become habit, can escalate, if your instincts and gut-feeling are to get out before he gets even worse, before you are unable to make the changes, are more trapped etc, then start making future plans for yourself. I'm curious as to why his previous relationship ended with 3, presumably quite young, children - was he a bad husband/father there too?

You say you own your home - I would advise you to ensure your home and any finances, investments, savings etc are protected and out of his reach. If he has not made provable financial contributions, any claim he tries to make on you shouldn't be very strong.

You have been together a long time. If friends have reassured you that your memory is fine maybe you could have a heart-to-heart type chat with them if you trust them to keep your confidence. Sometimes people outside of the relationship notice behaviours that they refrain from mentioning as feel it is none of their business, they don't want to interfere or make their friend feel bad in any way. Perhaps someone in your circle of friends will echo the types of problems you have highlighted e.g. notice you are wary of challenging him, hear him put you down, think he manipulates you or the situation to his own advantage, plays on your good nature and treats you like a personal servant, butler, housekeeper and taxi driver. (I don't drive and am reliant on my better half for lifts if I need to go anywhere, but I would never take it for granted, and always check with him before confirming anything like hospital appointments).

Gransnet can be a good place to find support while you are going through tough times or a period of change. I would say have some quiet time to think everything through and get it clearer in your own mind. Then, make some decisions that are right for you, that offer you the chance of happiness and peace of mind for your future. Most couples have the odd things they disagree on, or have to compromise on, but any relationship where one person constantly has their own way and doesn't care how much the other sacrifices to ensure their happiness becomes unhealthy. Please don't allow him to literally drive you insane - take advice if you need it, continue with counselling if it is helping, Google any terms you would like further clarification on and search the Internet for any helpful information sites, support agencies, local groups, online forums etc. Maybe you could post every now and then with an update, whatever you decide to do about your current situation. I hope one way or another that your future will be happier, that you will feel safer, more confident. It can be a lonely place living in an unhappy relationship/family situation - sometimes even living alone is less lonely! Maybe it is time to put yourself first, consider your needs, your head and heart need a place of contentment, you need to feel safe in your own life. I wish you all the best

Get a piece of paper and write pros on one side and cons on the other.
Do it over a few days when you think of things.
It may become obvious what you should do.
Good luck either way, you're obviously uncomfortable with the situation so maybe time to move on?
x

Thank you all for your input, as several of you have suggested I have already made up my mind and he will get his marching orders very soon.
I have been married before and in a long term relationship and vowed never to have my home under threat so have a signed and witnessed Deed of Trust preventing any claim on my home.
I am surprised at the amount of times the term gaslighting has been mentioned I had not heard of this before until my counsellor said it.
I will update you as to what happens when I tell him it's over and he needs to vacate urgently.
Thank you all again

Oh Gran16, I started to feel quite stressed when I read your post as it sounds so familiar. I was in a marriage where he tried to control lots of little things , it all happened very slowly and gradually, and took me quite a while to recognise. as you say, all was well as long as it was doing what he wanted. The people close to me didn't see it. when I tried to talk to them about it, but when I got to the point of suggesting marriage counselling he tried to convince me I was going mad and to get all my friends to see it his way! Somehow that gave me the strength to get out, although he continued to try and control my life for years afterwards. It sounds to me as if you are feeling that things aren't right in this relationship ( as it takes quite a lot to write it all down for others to read), and I would heartily recommend leaving the relationship before you suffer too much damage. Life as an independent person can be lonely, but has so much to recommend it.