Porn and dirty films

I’m no stiff blouse but I work with young people and boys have completely unrealistic expectations about sex because of such easy access to porn and it’s not helpful to either boys or girls when they are trying to form relationships. Porn doesn’t show any consideration/ love just the mechanics and don’t get me started on the more extreme/ violent porn available. Nobody should have to put up with that or “ get used to it” .

Brilliant posts Luckygirl and TwiceasNice. Well said. There is a lot of pressure being put on young teenage girls today to do things they don't want to do in order to please their boyfriends.... and on women of all ages.

Nobody should have to get used to that.

FavidHS I totally disagree with almost every word of your post
Porn is a fact of life, most men and some women view it, every woman has to cope with it, younger women have grown up with porn and have learned how to handle it.

Every woman does not have to cope with it and your comments about young women is so far away from the truth it defies belief. Go back and read PECS or Luckygirl's posts - and then reread them and read them again and again.

It is your complacent attitude to porn that fuels the industry in all its forms. Even if your complacent attitude doesn't mean you use it yourself, it allows the exploitation of women and, often, young girls in all sorts of ways, it supports the trafficking of women and mental health issues in young girls in adolescence.

More than anything though, it corrupts young boys who assume that what they see on film is normal. What they see on film, is not just sex but a world of abuse where men are dominant women are submissive, and must be forced to do as they are told. It normalises the abuse and control of women.

Thank you lovely GM's for your comments. Given me lots to think about.

Nothing to add but support for the posts fromLuckygirl, PECS, MOnica and others who point out the damage porn causes to many people and to the women particularly, who are involved in that work

Davidhs - no need for that kind of nonsense mansplaining here

Davidhs - no need for that kind of nonsense mansplaining here

Complete agree Iam64

P1234 there is plenty of support on here, also mumsnet womans rights section can be very helpful if you need advice .

P1234, either you discuss your sex life with him, or you let sleeping dogs lie.

What you do about the porn films depends on what is going on in your relationship. At least I'd say to him I hope he knows the difference between porn and real life.

There was recently a documentary about strangulation during the sex act. It was also said that if death occurred during this act the courts had to decide if it was wilful. It was said that the boys/men acted out this strangulation because the victim wanted it. The porn industry have increased this occurrence massively using this method of domination in their filming and young boys and girls see it as normal. It gives the dominant one the feeling of power and excitement. As we know young people are very influenced by this easy access to porn. Personally I don’t think it has a place in a relationship where two people respect and love each other. I know that many men would disagree but that is down to them usually portrayed as the dominant one and the woman as the one simply for their pleasure. Gone are the days with dirty mags with photos to films that are increasing violence and degradation towards women. Of course some men would not see that as a problem as it’s only a film, right? The increase in young girls pressured to shave was found to be through men wanting to view everything whilst having sex and the porn industry. The thought of a man old enough to be a dad/grandad viewing this stuff I think separate reality and fantasy

In July this year the law was changed so that claiming that 'rough sex' led to the accidental death of a woman (and it always the woman that is killed) can no longer be used as a defence in a murder/manslaughter trial.

It's hard to believe that so called 'consensual rough sex' could ever have been used as a defence in a murder or manslaughter trial.
I simply can't accept it can ever be seen as part of a loving relationship.

Turns some men on (too much pornography watching?), not sure that many women enjoy it, they are the ones bearing the brunt of the roughness and doing the dying, a bit like the justification that women like being raped. Another male trope. Thankfully that was kicked out of court a long time ago.

I have learned that one cannot control what men do. The more you try the more furtive they become. Perhaps one approach is to ask him is he feeling inadequate in some way or worried about his ability to perform and why or his waning manhood? Perhaps this approach might get him to open up or let him know that one associates his need for porn is because of some form inadequacy on his behalf. It’s a biological fact men need relief (putting it politely) far more often than women if the woman they’re with is not willing then they’ll seek it elsewhere.

Fecklar I am sorry but your facts are utter nonsense. And from the victorian age.
Strangely enough the threat that a man like that would leave us is for most of us no threat at all but a blessed relief.

Fecklar, that's a nonsensical post. It isn't about controlling what men do. It's about not having any kind of relationship with men who abuse women.

Fecklar Pornography requires the abuse of women, girls and children. Are you happy to accept that that abuse should take place because It’s a biological fact men need relief (putting it politely) far more often than women, even were that true?

What kind of men do these people know? Every man I know would be horrified at the 'seek it elsewhere' trope.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

This thread is 4 years old they re probably divorced by now
Why resurrect it ? Or more importantly how did you find it ?

I hope you are doing OK P1234
I know you are still here on Gransnet.

I doubt that talking to her DH about his porn usage will produce any deep, meaningful revelations.

Men watch porn because they like to see (usually young) women naked and performing sex acts. Simple as that most of the time. It's like asking someone why they like chocolate and expecting a philosophical debate.

Yes, men can turn to porn if their sex life has diminished or dried up but that's a bit of an old trope. The fact is that porn is stimulating, readily available and addictive. It is more likely to cause problems in real life sex than to help or enhance it.

Now he's found it (and he's probably been watching it for years) he's unlikely to give it up but he's very likely to make promises and say just what the OP wants to hear.

Porn is demeaning to women and many of the women in the content are abused or trafficked. It's become a big problem with young men whose views of women and expectations of sexual relationships are informed through that medium.

Most women will see their partner watching "perfect" 20 year olds performing on the screen and will assume he is drawing a comparison to her body. That's natural and psychologically very damaging.

Almost all men do or have watched porn, some do get addicted and it affects their relationship, every woman has to cope with this, as long as it stays as a fantasy you don’t need to react to it.

My OH did ask if I wanted to watch porn, I said no thanks and no further mention, our sex life is very good and I dont think he watches porn currently. It doesn’t affect our relationship because it’s all out in the open.

We none of us know what goes on in another's mind.

The thought that a partner is compared with a (always) younger sexual stereotype, during intercourse (or at anytime) is toxic and destructive to a person and therefore the relationship.

That the man has found a furtive, secretive way to handle his sexual drive in its self is problematic.

When the secret becomes 'out in the open' the responsibility of how to handle it becomes the partners.

Is that in anyway fair?

Does she live with the fact she may be being used as a receptacle for these fantasies?

How can she know where she fits into her partners life?

How can she trust that their life together was based on any reality at all?

The basis of the relationship has changed, and a facade has been maintained.

Chances are the porn will never be out of their relationship.

BlueBelle

This thread is 4 years old they re probably divorced by now
Why resurrect it ? Or more importantly how did you find it ?

I like it when others resurrect a thread.
It doesnt really matter the age of a thread, as the subject matter may be of use to other posters to read.

I do hope the op came up with a solution that suited her.
Though I would like to hear it from the horses mouth, so to speak.

My first reaction is that I would leave and he wouldn’t see me for dust but because it is a long marriage it may not be that easy. He’s no longer young and I was wondering if he needs this filth to be able to perform sexually ? I couldn’t cope with anyone who watched porn but I am trying not to judge .