Porn and dirty films

Davidhs

I suggest you look at the Porn thread on Mumsnet the age range overlaps with Gransnet so the opinions are just as relevant.
Porn is not going to go away.

Porn is not going to go away.

Unlikely.

Neither is the fact that women (and some men) will challenge its content.

Telling women that they have to "cope" with it is laughable.

The days when women were expected to 'manage' men's behaviour to the detriment of their own lives, are long gone.

Fecklar

I have learned that one cannot control what men do. The more you try the more furtive they become. Perhaps one approach is to ask him is he feeling inadequate in some way or worried about his ability to perform and why or his waning manhood? Perhaps this approach might get him to open up or let him know that one associates his need for porn is because of some form inadequacy on his behalf. It’s a biological fact men need relief (putting it politely) far more often than women if the woman they’re with is not willing then they’ll seek it elsewhere.

Ye Gods... I spoke too soon.

Dickens

When you’re feeling slightly less upset, just sit down and speak as openly as you can with him.

There maybe many reasons and I hope you two can work things out.

There’s a massive difference between porn and “mucky” films.

Fecklar

I have learned that one cannot control what men do. The more you try the more furtive they become. Perhaps one approach is to ask him is he feeling inadequate in some way or worried about his ability to perform and why or his waning manhood? Perhaps this approach might get him to open up or let him know that one associates his need for porn is because of some form inadequacy on his behalf. It’s a biological fact men need relief (putting it politely) far more often than women if the woman they’re with is not willing then they’ll seek it elsewhere.

Sorry, all I can do is laugh and feel aghast at your final paragraph.

Many men and women have equal sex drives, for some women is higher than their partner and visa versa.

This isn’t about “controlling” her man, it’s about him doing something in secret!

My friend’s DH was watching porn and she found out. When they eventually discussed it he told her that he was worried about his sexual performance with her and wanted to see if he was still able to get aroused. They went to the GP who was helpful and understanding. I wonder if this could be true for the OP’s DH.

M0nica

Of course you should, they demean women, and by extension you, but do not have a row with him, sit down and ask him to explain why he does it and listen to what he is saying and then think about how you want to handle it.

I think that's an outdated view, to be honest.
Women - and men - are usually very well paid for these jobs, and they don't have to do them!
Anyway, in my personal opinion, I think we would see a lot more s*xual attacks going on if porn wasn't there to keep some perverts at bay!!
I am not saying P1234 has a perverse husband, not at all, but he may be having problems with ED or something, and had hoped porn would help, or maybe thought a little learning would spice up their intimate times together!!
P1234, you won't know anything for sure until you sit down with your DH and ask him.

Cossy

Fecklar

I have learned that one cannot control what men do. The more you try the more furtive they become. Perhaps one approach is to ask him is he feeling inadequate in some way or worried about his ability to perform and why or his waning manhood? Perhaps this approach might get him to open up or let him know that one associates his need for porn is because of some form inadequacy on his behalf. It’s a biological fact men need relief (putting it politely) far more often than women if the woman they’re with is not willing then they’ll seek it elsewhere.

Sorry, all I can do is laugh and feel aghast at your final paragraph.

Many men and women have equal sex drives, for some women is higher than their partner and visa versa.

This isn’t about “controlling” her man, it’s about him doing something in secret!

Well said.

It appears to have passed by Fecklar's notice that the sex-drive in humans varies.

... even in men. There have even been TV comedies about it. Women lamenting the lack of it in their OH!

Ali08

M0nica

Of course you should, they demean women, and by extension you, but do not have a row with him, sit down and ask him to explain why he does it and listen to what he is saying and then think about how you want to handle it.

I think that's an outdated view, to be honest.
Women - and men - are usually very well paid for these jobs, and they don't have to do them!
Anyway, in my personal opinion, I think we would see a lot more s*xual attacks going on if porn wasn't there to keep some perverts at bay!!
I am not saying P1234 has a perverse husband, not at all, but he may be having problems with ED or something, and had hoped porn would help, or maybe thought a little learning would spice up their intimate times together!!
P1234, you won't know anything for sure until you sit down with your DH and ask him.

Anyway, in my personal opinion, I think we would see a lot more s*xual attacks going on if porn wasn't there to keep some perverts at bay!!

Trawling through the computers of some of those men convicted of rape and sexual abuse has resulted in quite the opposite of what you are saying.

Do you not know that often those convicted of child sexual abuse have loads and loads of the vile stuff stored on their computers?

Not all men who watch porn abuse women (obviously) but there's no guarantee that it is a 'preventative' in the way you suggest.

Ali08

M0nica

Of course you should, they demean women, and by extension you, but do not have a row with him, sit down and ask him to explain why he does it and listen to what he is saying and then think about how you want to handle it.

I think that's an outdated view, to be honest.
Women - and men - are usually very well paid for these jobs, and they don't have to do them!
Anyway, in my personal opinion, I think we would see a lot more s*xual attacks going on if porn wasn't there to keep some perverts at bay!!
I am not saying P1234 has a perverse husband, not at all, but he may be having problems with ED or something, and had hoped porn would help, or maybe thought a little learning would spice up their intimate times together!!
P1234, you won't know anything for sure until you sit down with your DH and ask him.

It is not an outdated view.
Many individuals in sex work/porn films have abuse histories that makes them vulnerable to abuse.

And where is your evidence that we’d see a lot more sexual attacks if porn wasn’t there to keep perverts at bay
The evidence is that porn is all too often used by sex attackers. Wayne Cousins the immediate example.

I would say nearly all men watch some kind of porn, they are more visual than us women- depends if it’s soft or hard core? Personally I wouldn’t like like my husband watching porn, I would feel uncomfortable, especially if it was young teenagers 😩 younger women seem to be more tolerant today (my niece said young lads expect woman to perform like porn stars), thinks it normal due to social media. Glad I am on my way out & not on my way in! Give a good book ha

You are quite right to feel this way and I would be livid!!! My first husband used to watch them all the time but he was a hateful little thing.

Two anecdotes.

A close male friend of ours who I sort of 'counselled' over 'family matters' admitted one night when we were chatting into the early hours that he was increasingly watching porn when his wife went to bed. He told me that what shocked him to the core and gave him another 'perspective' was when one of the young women looked exactly like his daughter. I think it had quite an effect on him, and altered his perspective, for want of a better word.

I didn't see it but there was apparently a documentary (somewhere) about a young man addicted to the stuff - he sought therapy ultimately because it dominated every aspect of his life and, in fact, was ultimately, making him miserable.

We can debate the issue all day and night. As much as it may be the 'harmless' fun-time for some - and 'just a job' for some women who freely enter into the profession- it isn't always so for either. It is also easily available to school children and very young teens and I cannot believe for one moment that it doesn't affect their views and attitudes towards sex, women and relationships.

If that be a stiff blouse POV - so be it.

The poster who said that porn keeps perverts at bay is utterly deluded. I've rarely heard such an out of touch and misjudged assertion.

Porn stimulates perverts and leads them to watch increasing hard core material. It actually encourages them to act out their fantasies in real life.

I will reiterate my previous statement. Porn is affecting the way teenage boys and young men view sex and women. It is a problem. A big problem.

flappergirl 👍🏻

flappergirl

The poster who said that porn keeps perverts at bay is utterly deluded. I've rarely heard such an out of touch and misjudged assertion.

Porn stimulates perverts and leads them to watch increasing hard core material. It actually encourages them to act out their fantasies in real life.

I will reiterate my previous statement. Porn is affecting the way teenage boys and young men view sex and women. It is a problem. A big problem.

The poster who said that porn keeps perverts at bay is utterly deluded. I've rarely heard such an out of touch and misjudged assertion.

It's one of those myths that persist.

I remember a discussion in the CIF section of The Guardian where one poster actually implied that women should be grateful (or words to that effect) about the fact that porn was easily available for that very reason - that it protected them.

It's similar to the trope that prostitution safeguards 'decent' women. If a man can access the services of a sex worker, it will prevent him from attacking women at random!

It's simplistic nonsense. For example - how does this assertion work with Gay Porn? Or all the other 'varieties'. Or male prostitution? Who is being protected from whom?

And it certainly didn't prevent Wayne Couzens from attacking women.

I add my agreement with flappergirl With attitudes like that women are aiding and abetting these habits.

My goodness if every relationship broke up because a man looks at sexy pictures and watches films with some explicit sex scenes then we would be a miserable lot. If, however, he pays for real porn that would not be acceptable to me. What about a more light hearted approach and with your husband actually shake your head and ridicule the rubbish they are. Amazing how laughing with him can put a whole new perspective on what is a very common male thing to do.

I dont tend to ridicule or have a laugh at the abuse of women which is frequently what porn involves.

I would be hurt and bloody furious, tell him it’s either get rid off that stuff or get out - I wouldn’t stand for this filth

I would give Melanie Trump the same advice how on earth has she managed to stay with him I don’t know

The women involved in porn are seldom doing it by choice but often have a drug habit to feed, fostered by the porn producers to keep them under their thumb.
Porn distorts young people's expectations and detaches sex from relationships.
Porn disrespects and objectifies women.
women.
Porn creates avoidance of addressing relationship problems.

Galaxy, Bonnybanko, nanna8 and Luckygirl - good posts.
A more light hearted approach to a husband using porn? How does finding humour in the objectification and abuse of women help any relationship?

I also don't understand "the lighthearted" approach. Porn, degrades and objectifies women. It has often been found to be a factor in driving men such as Wayne Couzens to commit hideous crimes against women. So many reports on how it has warped young boys/mens attitudes towards what they expect from their female counterparts and the pernicious and at times, addictive affect on both parties, sometimes leading to mental health issues. Not to mention the fact that the women performing in such films are often coerced in that. Harmless and lighthearted I don't think so!

TerriBull 👍🏻