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Worse things about being a widow

(27 Posts)
Msida Sun 08-Nov-20 10:02:24

Well there are the big obvious ones like being alone and having to do everything alone after spending best part of your life being with him

But then there are the little things too like you always have to make your own tea, and your own diner when, before you could say, could I have a cup of tea please just like you would do for him if he needed a cup of tea

It's about adjusting... To making your own tea and the rest

But I am feeling better now, when I first came to gransnet for some much needed support I was in a bad way and every single post that I received helped me I literally felt your arms pull me off of the ground that I felt I had hit

So that was more than I received from some family members

I don't feel that saying thank you is enough and wish I could treat each end everyone that helped me to a lovely full three course meal!! (chance would be a fine thing with all this nonsense going on at the moment)

So grateful thank you for picking me up when I was very down and putting back to I can function mode x x

midgey Sun 08-Nov-20 10:03:53

Good to hear things are improving! flowers

lovebeigecardigans1955 Sun 08-Nov-20 10:12:27

I'm glad we've been helpful Msida though I can't recall if I responded to your original post. I find the worst thing about being widowed is that you have to do everything yourself, all of it, not some of it, and that can weigh very heavy at times.

The other side of the coin is that I can please myself and do what I want without having to run it past someone - doesn't stop you from missing them though. Time doesn't heal but it knocks away the rough edges.

Luckygirl Sun 08-Nov-20 10:12:31

Gransnet has done this for me several times; the latest when I too lost my OH. I am so glad that Gransnet has done this for you too. flowers

Grandma70s Sun 08-Nov-20 10:12:56

Goodness, that rang a bell. I was widowed forty years ago (my husband and I were both 40 years old), and when I read your post I suddenly remembered how much I missed being brought cups of tea. It seems such a small thing, but is actually very symbolic.

Scrapgranny Sun 08-Nov-20 10:20:10

I have been widowed 43 years and like Grandma70s I had forgotten how much I miss being bought my cups of tea. It is the little things. I am grateful for the 9 years we had but now at 73 I still miss him everyday

Luckygirl Sun 08-Nov-20 10:20:16

My OH never brought me cups of tea! - not that I can remember anyway; but he was very ill for the last few years of his life, so it would have been some time ago.

I find that I am noticing the prevalence of "coupledom" all around me; and feeling inhibited about proposing to do things with friends as I know that they will be doing things with their other half. Something I will simply have to get used to.

Shrub Sun 08-Nov-20 10:22:00

I have recently got a mini kettle that I keep in my bedroom so I can at least have a cup of tea in bed first thing in the morning.

25Avalon Sun 08-Nov-20 10:26:40

When it comes to politics there are a lot of disagreements on GN but when it comes to needing help you will find the GN community full of compassion. So glad you found the help you needed. If you have a blip come back. We are all here for you. [Flowers]

25Avalon Sun 08-Nov-20 10:27:17

That should be flowers

NotSpaghetti Sun 08-Nov-20 10:36:53

I am SO lucky that I still have my lovely husband but friends whose soul-mates have died have all been taken aback by the impact of the little things.

I do often get a call from one dear friend about little things that have triggerd memories or caused pain and sadness. She spoke to me recently about making tea when weary as you say. She's felt sad when opening the curtains before bed, as he did, when lugging the supermarket shopping in from the car on her own. She now needs to always get her own newspaper and top up the birdbath. Little shared, ordinary gifts of love are missing. There is no-one else warming her life at home - or even warming her night dress on the radiator.

You are all so strong.

Grandmafrench Sun 08-Nov-20 10:41:43

Take all the support you need, Msida and know that it will have been freely given because there are some truly lovely people on Gransnet. Any chance of you posting on the Good Morning thread?

Grandma70s Sun 08-Nov-20 10:43:30

Luckygirl - you need some single friends! I have one good friend who is very happily married but independent, happy to do things with me and without her husband. We have been on holiday together. Her husband has interests of his own and is also happy to do his own thing.

It’s important, I think, not to get into the habit of doing everything with your wife/husband. One day they may not be there.

Bluebellwould Sun 08-Nov-20 11:07:19

I know exactly how you feel, living on your own is hard isn’t it. Yesterday I spend three hours putting up a flat pack shelving unit and when I walked into the kitchen there was the washing up still to be done. It’s those sort of times that make me sad and miss my husband even more.
It was a family joke that my husband spent hours in the bathroom, now I realise it’s because he was always cleaning the sink, loo and bath. I don’t know why I never noticed they never needed cleaning, I feel really stupid and horrible that I never said thank you to him. He did so much around the house quietly and never saying anything about it and I just didn’t notice. Now I have to totally do it for myself and I wish I could tell him thank you.

Daddima Sun 08-Nov-20 11:19:02

I agree about getting used to doing the ‘little things’. For me, it’s putting on duvet covers, opening ring-pull cans, emptying the vacuum cleaner, pulling down the kitchen blind, and lots of other things, not difficult in themselves, but just things the Bodach always did. Because of Covid, I feel I haven’t had the opportunity to get used to doing things like going on holiday, or going to weddings, parties etc on my own, but I daresay I’ll manage. I’m glad you’ve found online support helpful, Msida, I’m sure I’d have cracked completely if it wasn’t for Facetime, forums, and suchlike.

NotSpaghetti Sun 08-Nov-20 11:24:03

It’s important, I think, not to get into the habit of doing everything with your wife/husband. One day they may not be there.

Grandma70s - I'm sure you are right, logically, but think of the joy of doing virtually everything with the person you love and knowing as you get older how much less time is left. Why would you give this up "just in case". It seems ridiculous to me.
Don't get me wrong, I do things without him, but 98% of the time, there us more joy with him there.

This is really an insurance policy I don't want.

GillT57 Sun 08-Nov-20 12:01:37

Yes, although there can be heated political discussions on here, the support when one has a problem or a tragedy to deal with is kindness itself. So glad you found support and help.

sodapop Sun 08-Nov-20 12:32:59

So pleased you felt supported on GN Msida it's good to talk with people who have experienced the same loss. Friends who have lost family members say its good talk about their loved one sometimes and others often shy away from this which is a shame, there are happy memories to share as well as sad ones.
Take care brewthanks

Grandma70s Sun 08-Nov-20 12:45:19

NotSpaghetti, I don’t believe you/one should give up doing things with your partner ‘just in case’, but I do think it’s important to do some things just for you - not in case your partner dies, but just so that you don’t become a sort of joint person. We are all individuals.

maytime2 Sun 08-Nov-20 12:48:12

I have been widowed for over 24 years, I was 51 at the time. It does take time to adjust and create a new life. The time that I had with my husband feels like another life time now.
I have been on my own since that time and I feel that I have coped well up to now. But now I am getting older and finding it more difficult to do ordinary things e.g. putting on a duvet, climbing on a stool to reach the top kitchen cupboards ( wish I was more than 5ft 3ins.) It is hard when you've been independent and now have to ask your children to do quite trivial things, such as this.
I agree that having a cup of tea/coffee brought to you in bed would be fantastic, but that's not going to happen. So I have to throw off the negative feelings and try to look on the bright side.

Harris27 Sun 08-Nov-20 12:58:48

It’s a time we all dread and I often wonder if it was me how I’d cope? He wouldn’t cope well he’s told me and we lightheartedly broach the subject about how we would go on. I’ve watched my brother who lost his wife and he’s struggled so much. I do hope. The support you been given in here has helped they are a nice lot!

Msida Sun 08-Nov-20 14:20:45

Thanks everyone so interesting reading your in put thank you

SHRUB what a brilliant idea!!! I'm off to buy a small kettle and will put a couple of plain biscuits in a container too, why didn't I think of that 😁 thanks

Msida Sun 08-Nov-20 14:21:13

BLUEBELL WOULD I have sent you a message smile

Msida Sun 08-Nov-20 14:22:53

GRANDMA70 I totally agree with you my husband wasn't as keen as I was to do things together but personally I was never happier than when I was with him

Hellogirl1 Sun 08-Nov-20 14:44:32

It tends to hit me when I need to know something, and I think that I`ll ask hubby if he "remembers if...….", then realise that I can`t. After over 4 years some things are still hard.