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What should I do - worried sick

(50 Posts)
Gilly33 Tue 05-Jan-21 09:23:40

Morning to all
My daughter has a son 7 with ADHD who has become very aggressive in the home..OK at school. My husband almost 70 and I have been their support bubble.
She also has a 3 year old daughter and they are dreadful together. My daughter has almost had a breakdown with stress so I do all I can to help them , a lot. I am 64 working from home. School now cancelled, do I continue to help. I really want to, but scared like we all are re Covid . How can I leave her if he has a violent outburst?
I would appreciate opinions. Thank you

Lucca Tue 05-Jan-21 09:31:44

Sorry that you have this situation I know someone with similar issues with grandchild but at least their children will stay in school as parents are key workers.
You have my sympathy.

geekesse Tue 05-Jan-21 09:36:25

It may be that the son is classed as a ‘vulnerable’ child, and could continue to go to school. Your daughter should contact the school urgently and ask to speak to their SEND coordinator.

Toadinthehole Tue 05-Jan-21 09:37:47

This is so hard isn’t it? I don’t know much about ADHD, but enough to know it would be debilitating in confined spaces. Is there someone from the school you could talk to? Are his school doing these on line lessons? My husband and I have actually thought about ‘ schooling’ our two grandchildren, 8 and 5, on Skype. Nothing heavy, history for example, or the human body. Is this something you could do? If you’re in a bubble, could you have your granddaughter, and then your daughter could spend time with her son, perhaps an hour a day? So sorry, all this is such a mess isn’t it. You’ll hopefully find your grandson will settle down....and then the schools will open again!🤨. I wish you all well💐

Franbern Tue 05-Jan-21 09:40:35

Should think that this lad would continue going to school. They are open for vulnerable children.

Callistemon Tue 05-Jan-21 09:50:05

geekesse

It may be that the son is classed as a ‘vulnerable’ child, and could continue to go to school. Your daughter should contact the school urgently and ask to speak to their SEND coordinator.

Yes, ask your DD to make enquiries about him continuing to go to school.

bikergran Tue 05-Jan-21 09:51:15

I feel for your dd and yourself, my dd in very similar position, hanging on to her much loved job in NHS by a thread due to school childcare issues.
Yesterday 6yr gs was diagnosed with ADHD. Which we were pretty convinced there was something going on in his little mind.

The small school he attends has already excluded him twice, wouldn't let him go back for the last day before Xmas break, where they watch movies and chill.
As others have said the school may stay open for key workers, vulnerable children. But! as before you have to apply for a place in my gs school. Hope you find a solution.

V3ra Tue 05-Jan-21 09:53:03

Like geekesse my first thoughts are that he could qualify for a "vulnerable child" place, especially if he has a statement in place. Your daughter definitely needs to ask the school asap.
Is your grandson better outdoors? Is there somewhere locally you can go for a walk, or to a playground? Your gardens?
I'd say you do need to support your daughter still, if you feel you can. Just be as careful as possible with handwashing etc etc.

Gilly33 Tue 05-Jan-21 09:54:14

My daughter has been in touch with the school and CAMHS this morning, but last lockdown they would not take him, as not classed as vulnerable. Coupled with he won't have his own teacher or regular classmates, its hard enough to get him to go to school in the normal setting, a daily battle just for that. I feel I should help as normal, but if I do am putting us at risk.
However up to the weekend we did help so its this latest news that has made me question the right thing for us particularly my husband. Thank you for your input, not many people understand the severity of having a child like this.

Jane10 Tue 05-Jan-21 10:01:33

He'll be better in the structured setting of school. If that's not possible could you and your DD work towards starting a new 'home school' structure? Perhaps you could have the little girl while he foes his 'school day'? I'm assuming he doesn't have methylphenidate?

bikergran Tue 05-Jan-21 10:01:36

Gilly We have had to negotiate for days trying to cajole gs to get ready for going back to school. He hates it! Has even tried running away from school. Now he has been diagnosed my dd will hopefully receive some help. He is fine at home 99% of the time, you can take him shopping etc no problem.
But mention School and he goes mad. I'm surprised the school is not saying he's vulnerable, maybe look into it a bit further.

bikergran Tue 05-Jan-21 10:02:35

Sorry I mean I'm surprised at your gs school saying he's not vulnerable.

J52 Tue 05-Jan-21 10:16:50

When I worked with children with disabilities, I came across similar situations. One in particular was very similar. The child had a MENCAP worker, who would take him out after school to give the parents restbite.
I know thing are different atm, but might be worth a try.

J52 Tue 05-Jan-21 10:18:34

Meant to add that the child had a great relationship with the supporter and showed no aggression out of the home setting.

eazybee Tue 05-Jan-21 10:23:59

The problem is, your son is not displaying the aggressive behaviour at school, therefore he is not classed as vulnerable. Is he medically diagnosed with ADHD, because it is usually pervasive, and he would be unable to control his outbursts at school? Your daughter needs to pursue this with the school, but it does sound as though it is a parenting problem.
I would suggest you care for the three year old to help, and your daughter must care for her son unless she can get him a diagnosis and into school.

Callistemon Tue 05-Jan-21 10:27:01

The one problem with going to school is that his own school may not stay open and he could be sent to a 'hub' school without his own teacher or classmates; being in an unfamiliar setting may not help him.

If they are going nowhere and neither are you then could you continue as a support bubble and I agree that being cooped up indoors doesn't help. Outdoor trips with you would be fine, I would have thought, if you can fit this around work.

MiniMoon Tue 05-Jan-21 10:29:59

Formal education in school does not suit every child. Two of my grandsons have diagnoses of ADHD. They have been home educated since my DD took them out of school. She was being called in to school every day to talk to her eldest boy, sometimes more than once. The school didn't know how to teach him, and the additional help put in place for him was woefully inadequate. He also has Tourettes.
Fortunately my DD was in the position whereby she could home educate, not everyone with children on the spectrum is so lucky.
The boys take Equasym daily, with a top up dose if needed. Their concentration is so much better, and there have been fewer outbursts since starting on the medication. My eldest grandson is now 12 and has not been in formal education since he was 7. My youngest grandson is 8 and has never been to school.

Riggie Tue 05-Jan-21 10:30:19

If the son has ADHD and is under CAMHS I would expect him to have an EHCP; and children with EHCPs can continue going to school.

jaylucy Tue 05-Jan-21 10:34:13

eazybee - what a sweeping statement stating that it is basically the mother's fault that her son reacts when at home.
Each child with ADHD reacts in different ways in different situations that frequently has absolutely nothing to do with the parents - it's where the child finds themselves and with a friend's son , it was often because they had been at school all day and (in his mind) restricted , that he used to go hell for leather once he got home - not a lot different in many ways from other children running around once let out of somewhere they had had to sit still, but x10!
Unless you have had experience, please keep your opinion to yourself - this mum is already struggling and now to be told by a complete stranger that she is a bad parent might just be the final straw!

Bbbface Tue 05-Jan-21 10:43:24

Without a showdown of a doubt - I would.

If my daughter ever in that situation - I would be there in a snapshot.

bikergran Tue 05-Jan-21 10:45:13

First thing my gs does/did when home from school is straight onto his big trampoline all weather's. He will be on it at least hal hour.
He must feel like a caged lion being set free. The confinement of school and then not being allowed to even run round or play with a ball at playtime is not normal. But I understand the safety aspect.

harrysgran Tue 05-Jan-21 10:45:22

I would agree if he has EHCP he is classed as vulnerable therefore school should be available to him but like you say not having his usual teacher and other aspects that will be different might cause him anxiety and his behaviour will become difficult sorry I have no solutions but I'm sure it must help your DD knowing she has support ADHD is often looked upon without empathy and can be lonely for the child and parents

Shandy3 Tue 05-Jan-21 10:48:48

It seems your worry is regarding safety for yourself and your husband. Which is understandable.
Why dont you say to your daughter, self isolate in the home for 10 days, it maybe very taxing on her but if it's 10 days she maybe able to cope knowing that coping alone will end. Facetime maybe useful during this period! then your safety wont be compromised and you can support as much as you want to.

Dorsetcupcake61 Tue 05-Jan-21 11:14:03

My heart goes out to you and your daughter. My youngest daughter was diagnosed with ADHD/AS/Tourette's aged 11.
We were lucky in that she accessed CAMS until she was 18,probably unlikely now as cutbacks mean they mainly see childeren in crisis.
She was prescribed Equasym and initially it was like seeing a different child. Then she gradually became more aggressive. As the consultant explained the hyperactive behaviour covered up the anxiety caused by the autism and the medication increased the anxiety, it also made the tourettes worse.
I have no answers. Every child is different in how the condition affects them and whether they have other conditions.
What made me reply was a comment about parenting skills. Of course it can be an issue. My daughter behaved differently at primary school to home. I found that frustrating. It turned out that as her behaviour wasnt affecting others but only her own learning it wasnt really looked on as a major problem.
Secondary school was a constant battle. It was a good faith based school and I have no doubt she would have fared worse in other schools.
What did I learn over those difficult years,and believe me I sometimes wondered how I survived them.
Her elder sister was a straight a student ,well behaved,respectful and considerate. At times this was the only thing that kept me going,my parenting skills couldnt be that inadequate.
I saw first hand the difference in school support between those who conform and those with SEN it's a different ball game altogether. Initially I think I was hampered by the positive experiences with my eldest in the school system and trusted when told things would be actioned,I soon learned you have to be constantly on the ball.
The aggression is a massive issue,I would see a change in her eyes/expression and despite as advised keeping ABC charts there rarely seemed to be a pattern. As she once stated her brain just went funny.
What is manageable as a small child is completely different when they reach the teenage years.
There are no quick fixes. Medication can help. Diet can be important. Obviously the majority of foods are colour/additive free but random things can cause a reaction. For some reason citrus fruits/ juices can be a problem as is artificial sweeteners. As a general rule I watched for any foods she fixated on.
We got through it. She is employed and in a successful relationship although still suffers with anxiety.
Childerens mental health services were at breaking point before the pandemic. What support is available will not automatically be given your daughter she will have to relentlessly seek it out. There is a wealth of information online learn as much as can from reputable websites.

icanhandthemback Tue 05-Jan-21 11:25:31

Two of my grandchildren will continue to go to school because they have special needs and they need the structure school provides. They don't have to go full time, just enough to help their families cope with their needs. When they aren't in school, they need to get out if the fresh air to run around and let off energy but that is difficult where you have children of different ages. I would appeal the decision not to allow your grandson to attend or, as nurseries aren't closed, at least see if your granddaughter can attend, given the circumstances. Incidentally, my granddaughter doesn't have an EHCP but her school recognise her mental health. I do understand how difficult it can be for a reluctant school attendee but the pressure was off for such children in the last full lockdown as normal lessons did not take place.

I stopped caring for my grandson during the first lockdown because I am trying to balance looking after me as I am diabetic, my mother who is extremely vulnerable and my daughter who is disabled. I felt terribly guilty but it has been very good for him to spend more time with his parents who were working very long hours before all this started.

If you don't want to stop helping your daughter with childcare, perhaps you could just look after one of the children at a time for an hour or two outside where they can run around and you can reduce the risk.