What should I do - worried sick

Totally agree with geekesse on this.

Gilly I understand completely may I just say that fear and panic are normally the cause of violence in children and older people with ADHD a lot of people think they are being naughty or violent because they are angry, nasty children but they are frightened, panicked, often fearful of change, noise (that we can barely hear) unsure of others behaviour that doesn’t seem understandable to them. It feels to them that they are always wrong never able to be the ‘good’ one their self esteem can be on the floor it’s so hard to not criticise when the behaviour doesn’t fit the norm
Structure is so important and with this virus the structure has been taken away He’s 7 a very young lad who doesn’t yet know which way is up
Does music help ? Or painting drawing, being involved with a pet or nature
If you can carry on helping I think that is far more important than worrying about CoviD in some cases, unless you are living in a very high area or are very vulnerable
My heart goes out to your daughter the little lad and his sister it’s no fun for her either and of course you ❤️
Help if you can but take care

Jaylucy: what a sweeping statement stating that it is basically the mother's fault that her son reacts when at home.

I did not say it was the mother's fault; I said 'a parenting problem', and in my experience, of which I have plenty, plus the qualifications, one of the first questions an educational psychologist asks is how the child's behaviour compares at home and school. This is why I asked if the child had a medical assessment of ADHD because it is frequently used as a term for difficult behaviour without being properly diagnosed. Strategies for coping as well as appropriate medication are offered in consultation.

If the child has a diagnosis then it is unlikely that the school would reject him as vulnerable and refuse schooling. But poor behaviour is exacerbated by being cooped up at home, hence the struggle to keep the schools open.
My post was made on the basis of the evidence offered, plus thirty years experience working with special needs, ultimately as SENCO.
I think you are the person who should be careful 'about making 'sweeping statements.'

So very helpful to hear from you all Thank you. The school today say they may be able to offer him a place and he has just gone crazy and refusing to go. A lot is anxiety, but I think Oppositional Defiance Disorder a big part of his issues, which go hand in hand with ADHD in 40% of cases I read. DD and SIL have done parenting courses by Barnados and sought help from private professionals who cost a lot, but the situation worsens. Yesterday DD was told by a professional to maybe just accept his personality. Try being attacked by a child with whatever they can lay their hand on and see if that works for their household.!
There's nowhere near the help or recognition of children's mental health needed in this Country, and now in particular this is at a critical level in children with these conditions.

Gilly33, has your daughter attended a parent training and education programme?

Is she in regular touch with the GP and addiss (.co.uk) for support and practical help.

I'm sure that professional help and assistance is necessary, alongside your, very valuable, efforts. The aim is to progress, rather than just cope.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Such a difficult situation. My 12 year old GS has been diagnosed with ASD in the past year. He too can be aggressive at home if frustrated. Main issue since starting secondary school is refusal to do homework as he sees schoolwork as for school only. Also very unwilling to do homeschooling, partly as unable to organise his work and manage the technology. The posts in this thread are very helpful for expanding my understanding of his condition. I can’t, sadly, offer any helpful advice but if I were nearer I would definitely want to continue to support family. If they are not seeing anyone else risk should be low.
I would support any campaign for massive increase in mental health support funding. Families should not be left to struggle alone.

One of my GGC is in a private residential home because of having sudden violent outbursts. She'd been causing mayhem in the family home and her mother had been blamed for " bad-parenting " until it dawned on the powers that be that the child had a problem. It took years for a diagnosis ! Shocking.
No wonder she's now in private care, to make up for the years where her behaviour fell on deaf ears!

Gilly33, you must push for help in this situation before it gets any worse. Pester the GP, local child-care authorities etc. and explain your case. My GGD is 12, is on medication and hasn't shown any aggression or violence toward others for months now, though we don't know what the future holds right at this moment. Please seek help before the child gets much older.

Gilly I agree with EV and others who have mentioned medication.
It can really help - ask your DD to see her GP as soon as possible.
Best wishes.

I would check, your grandson may still get a school place as he will be considered special needs. If he is not then it might be worth talking to school to get the ball rolling. I am sure he should be allowed to go in still
I do hope so.

He was diagnosed at 4 privately with ADHD.
I did not personally believe it at the time but many of the traits indicate it now. The aggression is the most worrying aspect.
DD tried him briefly on stimulant medication and he was like someone berserk climbing on tables throwing himself around. The next offering is non stimulant, Intunive. Does anyone have any knowledge of this? I read Clonidine is best for lack of side effects. Have just spoken to DD who is being screamed at in the background, I feel I should go there, but she is telling me today is the day this has to be moved forward and to stay put. In a way I agree as all I can do is remove one of the children and it doesn't change anything.
Her husband is having to take a half day holiday to go home. I am torn between them and keeping us safe at our age.

Yes as a start, can you care for younger child, whilst mum sorts out if her son can go into school or not? Or she can at least give him one to one attention. If he has a diagnosis now then education dept can sort him an EHCP.Then take it from there.Will he be eligible for a special school place maybe? Or at least respite with a carer? All things which can be sorted but do often take time, and harder during these times.Theres always a solution though, its just finding the help you need at a time like this.Difficult at the normal times.Harder now sadly.

Gilly33, it is the aggression which scares as in our case there were other siblings to worry about and because the older children didn't understand about the illness with the child they used to hit her then a fight would break out.

Sadly, the children's dad died from cancer ( hodgkin's lymphoma ) last March so with that and Covid, my GD couldn't cope and literally gave up. The child in question was just left to run riot like a wild animal until the authorities stepped in and removed the 3 younger children to a foster carer and the 3 older ones with my D, the ADHD one was taken to the private home where she is at present.

My GGD was so destructive, breaking things especially toys that belonged to her siblings. GD had been pleading for help for a long time realising that there was something radically wrong and nobody listened. Her mother ( my D ) couldn't help much because of her work and being a supervisor had to be present there.

There was little I could do, though I did have the child stay a couple of times initially until they found her a placement with one to one teaching and general therapy. Where she is in Durham, there are only about 6 resident children and plenty of staff including psychiatrists and specialised teachers and carers.

We do feel privileged that the child is in such a beautiful place surrounded by countryside with all the amenities possible which is similar to a hotel and costing our local authority here on Wirral, a fortune every month. We don't know how long her stay is going to be but with things as they are with the virus, it'll be the best part of this year too as well as last year.

Your DD needs some respite as well as the child needing specialist treatment/ therapy. Gilly33 I really would get in touch with your local authority child welfare department and explain what's happening. I know things are difficult with this Covid, but it's for the child's mental health as well as everyone else's sanity.

EllanVannin That is the saddest thing to read. My heart goes out to your family.
Thank you and everyone here for posting.

Sorry if this has already been suggested but would it be possible for you to childmind the 3 year old for a set amount of hours each day at your home if the work you do at home can be done at any time before or after she has returned home? I understand that having a 3 tear old around is tiring at our age but if you want to help your daughter it will be something you just have to get on with for the duration. At her age and if she's not mixing with others at preschool for example and she washes her hands on arrival there's a very low chance of transmission. If the two children are a nightmare together then taking one out of the situation will make it a bit easier for your daughter to cope with. The other option is to have your granddaughter to stay over for maybe a regular couple of days a week, again this will give your daughter some respite and the opportunity to give all her attention to her son and he may benefit from the calmer house. Best wishes.

MiniMoon

Formal education in school does not suit every child. Two of my grandsons have diagnoses of ADHD. They have been home educated since my DD took them out of school. She was being called in to school every day to talk to her eldest boy, sometimes more than once. The school didn't know how to teach him, and the additional help put in place for him was woefully inadequate. He also has Tourettes.
Fortunately my DD was in the position whereby she could home educate, not everyone with children on the spectrum is so lucky.
The boys take Equasym daily, with a top up dose if needed. Their concentration is so much better, and there have been fewer outbursts since starting on the medication. My eldest grandson is now 12 and has not been in formal education since he was 7. My youngest grandson is 8 and has never been to school.

‘The Spectrum’ refers to ASD not ADHD.

Not every child with a diagnosis gets or needs an EHCP. I wish people wouldn’t make such generalised statements.

I think I would be tempted to ask your daughter if you could care for the 3 year old - she must be having a difficult time if her big brother is frequently upset and "kicking off".

Your daughter will be stressed, but is better able to cope with her son than you are, and the little girl will benefit from some quiet time with her GPs.

Why don’t you contact your Doctor for some advice so sorry not to be more helpful,hopefully you can have the vaccination soon,,thinking of you—

Gilly33 I am so sorry for you all including the little boy. All I can say is be there for your DD and support where you can, even if it is to offer some respite time for the 3 yr old. I speak from experience as a single mother, a son who was diagnosed with ADHD and AS at the age of 8. He too was aggressive. I had a 2 yr old and a 10yr old. It was hell! Even when he had been diagnosed and I had ‘help’, it was hell. My lovely mum (bearing in mind this was 25 yes ago) helped me when she could. My poor son failed school because he was easily distracted and the other kids realised this. Eventually mum and I badgered the local MP, doctor, police (as not only did he wreck the house he also constantly ran away), our psychiatrist in CAMHS and got a place in a boarding school. It was a 3 hour drive there and 3 hour drive back and I had to pick him up Friday pm and drive him back Sunday pm. He would cry all the way there and I would cry all the way back. There were days when I felt it best for all if I ended his and my life. But, despite all this I caught to keep my family together. Social Services wanted to put him in care. I refused as I knew he’d end up somewhere awful. One time he ran away in his socks in the snow. He was 9. The duty psychiatrist said he was ‘frustrated with himself and his behaviour’ that it wasn’t his fault and that stayed with me always. Than God for my wonderful mum. She had my sister to look after too with Down Syndrome. My point is that my son is now a wonderful rounded human being. He is clever and successful and the nicest, kindest person I know. He knows what he did and we don’t speak about it. So hang on in there, support where you can because it will get better! X

Gilly33, my grandaughter was an angel at school at 7 but, at 9, the school are starting to see what her parents see. She can be violent, obstructive and downright vile. At other times she is caring, beautifully behaved and lovely. The trouble is, she can turn from angel to devil in a split moment, and sometimes back again just as easily.
Social Services stepped into see what they could do...eventually admitted defeat. Her play therapist came around and tried to get her to do what she had to and eventually admitted defeat. My daughter and her husband have been to parenting classes, family therapy, psychologists and nobody is able to see what the matter is. They know my granddaughter has some sensory issues, some anxiety problems and some attachment issues but she only fits the criteria for ADHD, PDA, ODD or ASD up to a point. She has a genetic condition which sometimes goes in hand with a neurological disorder but whatever is wrong, nobody knows. My daughter and her husband are at their wits end and are highly embarrassed to have a child who behaves like she does. She is highly intelligent but isn't self motivated. We are all baffled by her but it is really hard when things are going pear shaped and other people are so judgmental.

Is there no father on the scene?

Interesting thread in that no-one questioned the medicalisation of behaviour issues at all.

It has been so helpful to get everyone's opinions. Yes there is a father present who idolises both children. He had to leave work late morning and return home to assist. His boss appears not to be too sympathetic.
Tonight I feel the worst Mum ever as I have not helped out due to fears over the virus. and my DD text to say she can't stop crying so I've been in tears myself. She's had a horrendous day with things constantly thrown at her whilst trying to speak to various professionals. One told her she was an anxious Mother and to see her GP and get meds for herself!. Maybe I should just take my chances with the virus and get back round there but do have a 70 year old hubby to consider.

Has your daughter looked at removing sugar from their diet and also reducing their carbohydrate intake. Both of these are known to affect behaviour, cause inflammation and illnesses. Watch ‘The Magic Pill’ on YuTube, it makes for very interesting watching. Anything to help, I wish I had known this when my son was young, he was quite a handful and I would have changed his way of eating then. I have followed the Ketogenic way of eating for almost two years. Good luck.