Inverted snobbery or just jealousy?

Alot of success if due to luck because some people work very hard, but circumstances can leave them very poor. If people who are well off constantly rub it in then it causes envy.

People who cut off others because they are successful clearly have something seriously wrong with them. Either they are jealous because they don't have the talent or drive to make something of themselves, or can't bear it if they perceive that others are doing as well or better than they are. Years ago we knew a couple who seemed eager to be friendly. However, although the husband was easy to get along with, his wife was eaten up with jealousy about everything that others had, and was desperate to find out how much had been paid for houses, cars, what other people's salaries were, and it was so wearing. They had a decent lifestyle, their own house and holidays each year, but we came to the conclusion that her life was driven by feeling that it was not enough to succeed, others must fail, and so did the friendship eventually.

Agree gt66 - I almost left the group as soon as I joined when I saw some of the comments on here.
So much for the sisterhood.....

Madley

Whitewavemark2, was there any need for this comment?

Madley, is there any need for your comment without reading the rest of the thread? You obviously haven't.

Whitewavemark2, was there any need for this comment?

Aveline

I'm always happy to hear of others who have done well. I've become suspicious of people who complain of others 'bragging'. I always think its says more about them than about the people they complain about.

My mother used to get fed up with her neighbour constantly saying how 'lucky' I was to go to University, she, my mother, used to tell her 'Yes, the harder she's worked the luckier she's got!' No fool my late Mother. The neighbour's daughter had also gone to the same grammar school as me but had left before 'O' levels because she found they stopped her going out and enjoying herself.

I agree gt66 I posted for some support and advice once and had such aggressive and judgmental responses [not from everyone of course, some were measured and intelligent suggestions]...that I will never start a thread again and rarely post anyway.

At times I was been amazed at the tone of replies and responses [snappy, condescending and often patronising] to certain discussions by certain posters.

I think if a post's title or content isn't of interest to you or you don't relate, just don't reply....go on to something which does.

I agree gt66

Bit of both I'd say!
It's so sad that she can't share her experiences and memories of where she has travelled and lived due to her husband's job with her family.
Travelling from place to place every couple of years, being unable to put down roots or even make long lasting friends is not always the fun that some people think it is, but now settled, it would be lovely maybe , for her to put it all in writing, to leave a legacy.
Your friend and husband deserve everything that they now have, hope they enjoy it - with or without family members.
Just wait until we can all travel and watch them turn up for the free holiday !

Whitewavemark2

I’m sure there are more important things in life to worry about.

Maybe, but your response is sarcastic and doesn’t have a place here.

I suffered this from my mother, I got married at 16 and my husband and myself worked really hard to make a lovely home for our baby, but everything we bought she would make nasty comments about and was very jealous.
7 yrs later when we moved 20 minutes away to a nicer area with hubby’s job she told everyone I was a snob and that the area wasn’t good enough for me anymore, she was extremely toxic so I cut her out of my life.

Shortlegs

I fancy it's a uniquely British thing, as in there is an element that are jealous of successful people. Sad.

You're right there "Shortlegs" but that is strange in itself because we are at heart an ambitious entrepreneurial nation. We should pride ourselves on all achievements, including financial ones. There's no shame.

My DIL's family are like that. The eldest child married a successful man, she got herself a well paying job based on her childcare qualifications and they bought a lovely house. Instead of rejoicing that this troublesome, drug taking teenager had turned her life around, they think she is a hypocrite and call her "The snob." Even when she had a molar pregnancy, it struck me that the rest of the family were more delighted that she was cut down to size (and a liar because it wasn't a 'real' pregnancy) than sympathetic.
On the other hand, we also know someone who is convinced that everybody in their family is "jealous" with what they have whilst the rest of us wouldn't touch what they have if they gave it to us. It doesn't detract from them being otherwise nice people; it is just one of their little quirks and I guess far better to be satisfied with your lot than resenting every body else.

Quite gt66. ??

I fancy it's a uniquely British thing, as in there is an element that are jealous of successful people. Sad.

Whitewave62
Seems to be portraying the same feelings as the poster said about her friends family members. These comments also put me off starting a post. Really no need for such cutting replies.

I was the 'clever' one in my family; the first to go to university and the one who was expected to 'do well' - and in my own way I have. I don't have much in the way of 'spare' money, but I don't need to penny pinch either, I've had a very satisfying working life and I have a wonderful husband and children.

Others in my family have done far, far better than me financially, and I couldn't be happier for them. We all came from very humble beginnings and so to have financial security is a real blessing. They have (comparatively) lavish homes, businesses and lifestyles, including regular birthday gifts of diamonds and top-of-the-range cars. There is just one family member who is bothered by their wealth (he mentions their assets quite a lot in negative ways) and I can't quite work out why. It would be easy to assume he's envious, but he's truly not got a material bone in his body, so I genuinely don't believe that he's jealous. I suspect the root problem is that he thinks they are 'consumers' rather contributors to society.

Sorry this is so long, I don't know if I've explained it well.

There are people who are uncomfortable with other people having more than them, or being different to them. My mother is one.

It's not that she's jealous of them, she's perfectly happy with what she has and has never had any interest in money so long as she can pay her bills. I think it's a massive insecurity complex that just makes her convinced that everyone else thinks they are better than her because they have things she doesn't have, even though she doesn't want them.

When I went to the grammar school (none of my siblings did) her constant refrain was 'well it doesn't make you any better than the others'. I didn't understand why she said things like that, it never crossed my mind I was better than anyone else. My siblings were my friends.

She thought her sister had got above herself going off to work in London and marrying a civil servant and living in what my mother thought was a big house and she thought the same of me when I went to London to work.

All my siblings' in-laws (mainly very nice people) are better off than my parents in varying degrees and my mother is convinced they look down on her, for no reason at all.

I don't know what makes her like this, my father isn't like that at all, but I long ago stopped telling her anything we were doing other than fairly mundane things or I would get the 'why do you need that' or 'why are you doing that'.

gt66

Whitewavemark2

I’m sure there are more important things in life to worry about.

What a condescending reply! I expect you've made the OP feel really bad!

I'm sick to death of these kind of replies and is why I've never started a thread myself; I've seen so many replies like this from posters asking a perfectly innocent question. I wonder how many other members out there that feel like this?

Me too! I'm new to this forum but have been quite shocked by some of the aggressive and judgemental comments I've seen. It's a pity as it stops people contributing and surely this forum is for everyone, not just those who think it's OK to shout people down if they hold different views!

What the materially successful hard-working people have, in addition to their labours, is often*luck, or a lucky opportunity that they were brave enough to take*, or maybe they came along (or knew someone) who gave them a leg-up.
NotSpaghetti thank you, that's a brilliant answer and you have saved me having to type to the comment in a reply.

AGAA4 so very true ?

I don't understand jealousy of possessions. Possessions don't equate to happiness. I know people who have a villa abroad, big house and swanky cars who are miserable so these things don't always bring contentment.
Those who are contented in their lives however little they have will never feel that destructive emotion - jealousy.

GillT57

^ You very much make your own luck in terms of property and possessions unless of course^

Not always true though is it? Yes, people may have achieved what they want and have through hard work, but many, many others also work hard and don't get anywhere near what they deserve such as a safe, clean home and enough money to live day to day. This train of thought is like the 'deserving and undeserving poor'. Things can happen to people, hard working decent people, bankruptcy, family illness, all sorts of things. I have friends who have much more in terms of home and income than we do, and some who have less. None of them have worked any differently from the others.

It's like talking to a brick wall Gill57. The Victorian view of deserving and undeserving lives on, sadly.

... I meant to add
and it colours the relationship.

GagaJo (and others) - yes, it's the idea that someone has "worked for it" that is perhaps a bit galling.
Many, many people work exceptionally hard and never manage to do much more than hold "body and soul" together.

What the materially successful hard-working people have, in addition to their labours, is often luck, or a lucky opportunity that they were brave enough to take, or maybe they came along (or knew someone) who gave them a leg-up.

I think mostly people dislike the implication that either they didn't work hard enough or that the "successful" person is better than them in some way.

I do know three exceedingly successful people who have worked very hard and achieved great wealth. One is a person I love, is great company and can be really generous - but he was a very slippery character in his youth and I'm glad I wasn't involved in business with him.
Another put money ahead of everything - including family - to the extent that he lost them all.
The third worked for a big international company and worked "up the ranks". He benefited from huge bonuses and now has a pension most of us can only dream of.

Did any of them work harder than my parents? No.
Did any of them deserve more than my friend who raised her family on a pittance and has only a state pension?
Definitely not.

Life isn't fair - and sometimes it is obviously so.

"Working hard" for it is not the route to a comfortable old age. Most people know this. I wish it were. Some people sense this more deeply than others.