Should I move to be by my daughter

If you both (or even just one of you) have a car, that distance is nothing. If people want to see each other, they manage it. Don't move.

Stay put. It’s really not far away. As others have said she may move and then what would you do? If it’s something you wanted to do for yourself then it would be ok but not just to be near your daughter. My aunt moved from her family home after her husband died. She moved into a daughter’s street. Daughter no longer lives there. My aunt loves her house and the area but I know she felt it when her daughter moved.

My friend is a younger widow. Her daughter lives miles away with her husband and two young children. She has decided to move because she is young enough to start her social life again and the village has a nice welcoming church community. And because her daughter is a teacher she can look after her two grand children as and when needed. This is the right decision for her.

I am too old to look after great grand children so would not consider moving. I shall live in my home until I am either dead or a widow. At the latter point I will then move for a final time into suitable housing depending on my health.

We all have to make decisions based on our age, the ages of our offspring and their children and our friends and activities. Having a thriving social life is what keeps us young and energetic.

I knew a friend of my mothers who moved to be with her son in a granny flat attached to their isolated farm house. She saw the couple once a week if she was lucky, she had no friends down at that location and finally returned to our village to live in a minuscule one bedroom stuido-flat for the elderly. There was a common room, everyone could see you as you returned from the shops. they commented on what you might have bought etc. As you went through the door it had a wall poster advertising a number to ring if you were being abused and the flat itself only had one spare chair for a visitor. It was dreadful. So sad to finish like that.

I would stay put!
Yes it may be a lovely village, yes your daughter says you will see more of each other BUT - however nice villages appear on visiting, unless you are happy to put in a lot of effort to make friends, the villagers on the whole won't come to you - unless perhaps if you are a church goer!
I say this as a village resident for most of my life - went away for 7 years, returned , and the ones I had grown up with had moved away and the new people only tend to stay for 5 years on average - so many of them said "we must keep in touch/ I'll send you my address when we are settled/ you must come and visit" and that was the last I heard or saw any of them!
As far as your daughter is concerned, but sorry, if she can't manage to take an hour out of her life to visit you now, I doubt if she will even if you are on her doorstep!
Don't worry if she is cross with you (since when did our children become the ones in charge?) , you must live where you are happy. If there is a time limit on when she can spend time with you, is there a way you can meet up in the middle for a coffee now we are allowed to ?

I wouldn’t move if you are happy and settled where you are .
The upheaval of selling up and moving isn’t worth it for 16 miles .
I imagine you have your home how you like it ,moving would mean getting everything right again .
I personally wouldn’t want to go to through that .
Why can’t she move closer to you ?
Or is her work an issue?
I would think long and hard before you commit to moving.
Have you considered she might move somewhere else in years to come ,would you be expected to move again if that happens ?

Your daughter probably means it would be easier to just bob in for a cup of tea and a chat more often especially if she works full time. She may also be thinking she will be on hand for you as you get older.
16 miles is a lot if you are juggling work and children.
It is a difficult decision if you have lots of friends where you are, and a good social life. Give it lots of thought moving home is a big thing requiring lots of arranging and energy, but if you are considering the move don't leave it until it too late to manage it.

I would stay put,sixteen miles is not far. I had this recently with my son. I sold my house gave him some money, moved closer and he promptly moved, and bought a bigger house. Hes still not far from me,but I see less of him now than I did before.

Timsmum- how is travelling 12 miles difficult? Unless of course you dont have transport? Or your mum lives out in a hard to reach area?

Agree with others 16 miles is nothing distance wise. Stay put, if your daughter is saying she doesn't visit because it's too far shes making excuses.

I moved, a few yrs ago, and was about 10/15 mins from my Daughter & family,(her hubby drives& had a car.) Had moved 72 miles.Not reason i moved really. But, i still saw them not much unless we met up in town, and they rarely drove over to see me.Fast forward a few years and i'd moved to a little village area about 35mins on a bus from them, still they only visited occasionally, mainly a birthday, mothers day etc. Then daughter moved too, after awhile, to a smaller local town to me, (not to be nearer me though, just bigger house, better area) and its literally 10-12 minutes drive away (my elder son of the 2 at home,now grown up & drives) he has timed it! But still, (even before covid) we only see them if we either go there to them,or special occasion..I said i might move back again to about 80 miles away, first thing she said was "its so far away"! It beggers belief! So my advice is- stay put if you want to, and if she kicks up a fuss, just say you're too set in your ways now for the upheaval, and that she can always visit more anyway if she wants to.(easy if they have a car) or she could always be the one who moves to be near you!??

My mum is only 12 miles from me and visiting was easy until illness strikes. Now the effort to get to her is difficult so helping with her increasing age has become a worry. Fortunately she had moved very close to my brother and he has taken on the daily visits. Until then I had been her constant companion. Thank goodness she moved near him. I would advice to move now and settle in to your new area whilst you are fit enough. Going back to your old area to visit your friends would be a nice day out.

I very nearly moved to live near my sister but luckily for me the purchase fell through because ,although we were still house hunting in her area, she them moved to the other side of the country. If you are not lonely and have plenty to do where you are why move. I have family on the continent and see more of them than I do the lot that live in London. Distance is not a big issue if the will is there.

Well I’m moving closer to my youngest son and his family. But both my sons are 200 miles away from me in two different directions lol. Since covid hit us. Made me think how far away from them if something happened to us. So I discussed it with them both and my oldest said I should move nearby his brother so would make it easier for him to visit. As his job takes him everywhere but his bros doesn’t. If I was only 16miles away I wouldn’t move if I enjoyed my home. That’s just a bus ride. You don’t want to be on each other’s doorstep. Don’t get me wrong I love my kids and grandkids but I’ve my life and they’re both got their own lives.

I used to travel twice a week to see my mother and she was at least an hour’s journey away via the M25. I would have loved her to move closer but she was adamant about staying put. Tbh it was exhausting. 16 miles and a 20 minute journey would have been fantastic. I think you should stay put if you are still in good health.

The words *what if *comes to mind,
No indication that DD will not, at some stage, up sticks and move? who knows where?, will she expect you to follow.?
Stay where you are is my opinion. What is sixteen miles ? if you have friends and what seems a satisfactory lifestyle where you now live .Why give that up ?
Is there more to it ? than what appears to be DD's concern over your welfare ?????

We (me, husband and youngest adult child) have just moved next door to our middle son, his wife and their children. We all love it and it’s great for child care as they both work long hours. We have a great relationship and can easily say if anyone needs some alone time. Works well for us.

I moved my mum closer to me after my dad died. She was only a short walk away. It was one of the best things I ever did. She spent the last 15 years of her life happily, and surrounded by family because when my sons visited me they naturally popped over to see her as well, as did her great grandchildren. When she needed care I could just pop in and do what needed doing. She was in sheltered housing and had a busy social life there which also helped.
I've just moved closer to one of my sons and I'm seeing more of my GCs now.
So I'd say this. Start looking around where your daughter lives. Look at property you could live in for the next 20 years or so. Don't have preconcieved ideas but look at anything the right size. You may well find you fall in love with somewhere and then it won't just be moving to be near your daughter but moving because you want to start a new life. Good luck!

We might consider moving if more child care is required. However we wouldn't sell our place and we would rent near them. We like where we live . We about 45 mins drive each way.
Son has requested that we consider moving but...as many have said what happens if they move. That is why if we did do , unlikely, it would be renting

I would love to be just half hour from my daughters and families, they live in U.S and OZ and I may not like
many others, get to see them this year, because of travel restrictions
and my daughter in OZ would love to have her mum live close by to help with my granddaughters.
So half hour is nothing in comparison

Stay put.
On retirement, we moved to a part of the country we both loved. Our children then lived about an hour away instead of three. After a few years of seeing each other very regularly, helping with new babies etc holidaying together. Their partner got a new job at the other end of the country.
We are now in an area we love but very rarely see them in fact less than before we moved.
It has meant making new friends and contacts we are lucky in that the original move was made for us not to be nearer the children that was an added perk.
I would think twice if asked to move near them. Sometimes they have no say in where they move it is a partners job and not always the husbands.

It’s a really difficult one and at the end of the day whatever anyone else says only you can decide. I can see both sides of the coin. My parents lived 20 miles away and when my dad was on his own and became ill that 20 miles was a problem. My daughter lives 60 miles away and that’s motorway driving which is problematic. We would like to be nearer to her and she wants us there but we have not been able to find anywhere suitable yet. I think the older we get the more difficult the decision. I really wish you luck - your heart will tell you where you are going to be happiest.

Great idea lolo81
Could you stay with your daughter for a week , it could give you time to check out village life - clubs , community centre etc that you could join & make friends . You could go online first & google activities in that area

stay put, 16 miles is no distance,some of us have 100's even 1000's miles away from their family.I have been through this, i did everything in my power to provide a safe loving upbringing for my 2 sons, one, moved 200 miles away, to be near his wifes family, and to buy a more affordable house, the other who lives 5 miles away, barely contacts me.Put yourself first,a family of choice can often give more love and support.I would also maybe give yourself a year or so,then see how you feel.

16 miles is nothing, I live about 16 miles from one daughter and see her several times a week. Living closer won’t necessarily mean you’ll see her more. If you’ve a good social life where you live, why are you even considering moving. Think the question is if you were ill would you rather rely on your daughter or strangers to care for you. I know I wouldn’t want to be a burden on family, plus local friends you would still be able to see.
Yes it’s lonely living alone, but even if you moved you maybe wouldn’t see as much as your daughter as you hoped for, plus all your friends will be 16 miles away. No doubt your daughter is busy with her life too.
Good luck with whatever you do decide.

I agree that 16 miles is no distance at all and you could see more of each other if either of you wanted to!

My mum lived the same distance from me (she died nearly 2 years ago) and I used to see her about once a month because of other family commitments although after she died, I wished that I had more of an effort to see her more often.

My eldest daughter lives over 100 miles (2.5 hours away) and in "normal" times, we get to see her once a month/six weeks and we intend to move closer to her once we retire in about 7 years time. That is our choice though, there is nothing to keep us where we are once we stop work and the mortgage is paid off - I have 2 younger children who will have finished university by then so it's a good time to move.

Even then, we will not be moving that close to them but hope to be able to find a suitable house within 30-35 minutes drive ie around 15-20 miles, that's close enough to be available to help if necessary and visit in an evening but far enough away to have our own life.