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Should I move to be by my daughter

(108 Posts)
Sparkling Tue 04-May-21 19:28:16

I see my daughter rarely, although 16 miles away, she said if I move nearer she would see more of me as I get older. It’s a lovely village and I know I would make friends. I am concerned leaving the life I have and a neighbourhood I know so well , I keep thinking half an hour isn’t too far if she wanted to see me now. Advice would be appreciated as I know she won’t be pleased if I decide to stay. There’s just this niggle.

Sara1954 Tue 04-May-21 19:35:55

Well I’d stay put if it was me, sixteen miles is no distance at all.
If you are happy and feel comfortable where you are, I definitely wouldn’t rush into anything.
Take your time, and look at all the pros and cons.

lemsip Tue 04-May-21 19:39:06

stay put. you could move closer and end up seldom seeing each other anyway.

Teacheranne Tue 04-May-21 19:40:42

What if she moves away in a few years time after you go and live near her?

My great uncle sold his house and used some of the money to build an extension so she could live with his daughter. Over the next fifteen year, until he died, he ended up moving four times as his son in law changed jobs. He was very loved and welcomed but he struggled to make friends of his own and became very dependant on his daughter for company.

Oopsadaisy1 Tue 04-May-21 19:40:55

I travel 8 miles each way to my local supermarket! Takes me 12 minutes each way, I can’t see that 16 miles would make a difference to Her if she wanted to see you, however it will make a big difference to You, so don’t rush to move, if you are happy where you are then stay.

Redhead56 Tue 04-May-21 20:04:10

My daughter lives over sixty miles away it not far but I don’t drive on motorways so rely on DH. We were considering buying a small house near her but were put off. The prospect that they might move as their family grows or her husband changes his job location etc.

Our son lives only five miles away from us with his family. All our friends are here too they are like our family. We are also very involved in local volunteering here plus it’s where I grew up it’s where I am happiest.

If you have nothing holding you back and you could get property there don’t hesitate. It’s not far away if you want to visit friends. Weigh up the pros and cons what do you really want to do and will you be happier? Important issues you need to think about and take into consideration including your age and health. Get back to us and let us grans know what you decide 💐

NotSpaghetti Tue 04-May-21 20:06:01

16 miles is very close. Even at 30mph if you or she drives it's only half an hour.
I'd stay put if I liked my area.

Hithere Tue 04-May-21 20:14:10

Stay put

What if you move and visit frequency stays the same? What if she moves?

Why do you say she wont be pleased if you decide not to move?
How often do you see her now?

Grandmabatty Tue 04-May-21 20:20:38

I wouldn't move on the offchance that my daughter would see me more, but move because I wanted to. Is your daughter thinking that it would be better to be close to family as you get older? I moved house and ended up closer to my daughter and her family but that wasn't why I moved. It has worked out and I see them quite a bit. I would write down pros and cons of both places. Ultimately you should move because you want to. If you are uncertain enough to post here, maybe that tells you all you need to know.

JaneJudge Tue 04-May-21 20:23:00

do either of you not drive?

grannypiper Tue 04-May-21 20:41:17

Don't move. My poorly friend gave up her life to move closer to her, months later her Daughter moved 200 miles away.

cornishpatsy Tue 04-May-21 21:12:29

Is it difficult for you to travel to see her? I agree with others, she may move in the future. If you were moving just to be near your daughter it puts a lot of pressure on her to see you maybe more often than she wanted.

Grammaretto Tue 04-May-21 21:26:28

What a lovely caring DD you have Sparkling.
I would hesitate before moving away from my place to hers though, if I were you.
When My DM came to live next to us (the same house but it is huge) she missed so many things from her former place. Things she didn't know she'd miss, such as the people in the shops didn't know her and she was just my mum.
Many people wouldn't mind that but she did.
16 miles isn't far as the crow flies if you drive or there's a bus and as grannypiper's df discovered, your DD could move. Would you still want to live in that place?

Jaxjacky Tue 04-May-21 21:27:40

I would stay put. Hate to be blunt, 16 miles is nothing, if she wanted to see you more often she would, if she doesn’t then it could be one mile and nothing changes. You mentioned she won’t be pleased if you stay, that’s concerning.

Aldom Tue 04-May-21 21:41:54

Ten years ago I lived 140 miles from my daughter and family. I decided to move to be closer and I actually live *16 miles*from them. It's just perfect. I have many interests and a large circle of friends. I see the family regularly, but we are not in each others pockets. I would not have thought it necessary to move closer than 16 miles to your daughter in order to see each other.

Grannycool52 Tue 04-May-21 21:44:25

I am in a similar position. My daughter lives 45 minutes away and I am tempted to move to her area so I could be there for the grandchildren coming home from school and also because it's a very scenic area. However, I have great networks of friends and activities where I am and friends urge me not to move.
On balance I think you should stay where you are.

CafeAuLait Tue 04-May-21 22:43:26

Half an hour is nothing to go see someone. I'd consider that already living very close. If you do move, is there a chance your daughter could decide to move herself in future? How old is your daughter? What is something changes in her life?

TrendyNannie6 Tue 04-May-21 22:56:32

I would stay put sparkling, 16 miles is nothing really, you sound as if you are happy where you live, why do you think she won’t be pleased if you stay?

grannyactivist Tue 04-May-21 23:05:40

One of my sons lives 16 miles away and we see each other regularly - it really is no distance at all in terms of travel time. In your shoes I would stay put I’m afraid.

Lesley60 Tue 04-May-21 23:23:32

I did this a year ago to live by my daughter and her family although I lived an hour and a half away before
I moved as soon as both my husband and I retired, I also downsized as property in her area was much more expensive
We are now within walking distance from her and it’s great that they pop in almost every day, I don’t call around hers unexpectedly very often as she works from home a fair bit, when she questioned why I don’t call in very often I explained that I would prefer her to come to me then I know she has the time to spare rather than me go over and may be intruding.
She is so thankful that I made the move and can help with the children, and I’m so thankful to have them all in my life more
I left a lovely big house and great friends but nothing compares to having your family in your life.

Shelflife Tue 04-May-21 23:54:56

I fully agree with what has been said . 16 miles is no distance at all ! You are happy and have a network of friends and neighbours, that is a very value assett! Think long and hard about moving nearer to your daughter. You say she won't be happy if you remain where you are - I wonder why that is?
In your shoes I would pay heed to your niggle and explore what it is telling you.
Good luck and follow your instinct.

Lolo81 Wed 05-May-21 03:23:01

If it’s something you want to consider, maybe have a wee look at what’s going on in the village and see about making some friends or getting involved over the next year (Covid permitting of course), that way you know you’ll still have a life outside of just relying on your DD. It would also give you a bit of insight into whether or not you would like it.
I wouldn’t rush into a decision, give yourself some time and have a good think about it before making a big life decision.

nanna8 Wed 05-May-21 03:35:30

I’d stay put if it was me, partly because she might move anyway sometime later. She is already very close.

CocoPops Wed 05-May-21 04:30:06

Sparkling, you say you rarely see your daughter and you think a half hour journey isn't too far. I agree with you.
If you uprooted yourself do you really think contact would be any better? Personally as the distance is so small, I'd stay in familiar surroundings and where you have your friends.

mumofmadboys Wed 05-May-21 06:41:37

It depends a bit on your age and fitness. Is your DD thinking ahead when you may need more help? If so, it would be good to move when you are still fit enough to make a new circle of friends so when you are older and more restricted you feel at home there. How well do you get on with your DD? Hope you are happy with whatever decision you make.