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Should I move to be by my daughter

(109 Posts)
Sparkling Tue 04-May-21 19:28:16

I see my daughter rarely, although 16 miles away, she said if I move nearer she would see more of me as I get older. It’s a lovely village and I know I would make friends. I am concerned leaving the life I have and a neighbourhood I know so well , I keep thinking half an hour isn’t too far if she wanted to see me now. Advice would be appreciated as I know she won’t be pleased if I decide to stay. There’s just this niggle.

sharon103 Thu 06-May-21 02:01:00

After reading your post Sparkling Wed 05-May-21 18:52:20
Don't even think about moving is my advice.

poshpaws Wed 05-May-21 21:23:57

I'd be loathe to move just to please a daughter who (I'm sorry if this is hurtful, I don't intend it that way) could only be bothered to see me rarely despite living a mere 16 miles away. I live very rurally, so it's actually 16 miles to my nearest shops and filling station; 26 miles to my preferred shopping town and my vet, 14 miles to my GP practice - I think nothing of driving 26 miles every week to get my shopping: it only takes me 20 minutes. (I'm 68 next month if that's relevant). If your daughter actually wanted to see more of you, 16 miles should prove no obstacle at all unless she doesn't drive and there is no public transport between your two homes. Why give up the life you have and a neighbourhood you know so well for someone so uncaring? And why won't she be pleased if you decide to stay? Is she a bully? Does she want you for childcare? Red flags are waving in my mind ... please think very carefully before you make a possibly rash decision that you'd live to regret.

Elvis58 Wed 05-May-21 21:12:08

I would not move personally.My friend did this and 2 years later her daughter upped and moved 160 miles away.My friend decided not to follow and sees her 4 times a year.

paperbackbutterfly Wed 05-May-21 20:13:58

Please don't. My cousin's excuse for not visiting my aunt was the 10 mile distance. My aunt moved and 18 months later my cousin moved a long way away. Now my aunt lives in an area where she feels very isolated. Stay where you are happy

Panda25 Wed 05-May-21 20:11:50

If she rarely sees you when you are only 30 minutes away I honestly can't see her making an effort if you are nearer. Stay put

Pinnywinch Wed 05-May-21 19:13:02

This made me smile.

My daughter has asked the same thing, but she’s 400 miles away! I’ve been down for three separate weeks now to help with childcare (one of my grandsons has extra needs), and have a few more weeks planned for the remainder of the year.
However, my life is here for the time being and I don’t want to retire yet (I’m 62). I enjoy my jobs (2 part time) and don’t fancy sitting around doing not much at all.
I have promised to think again in five years time though. 😁

Hithere Wed 05-May-21 19:09:55

This, sorry, not his

Hithere Wed 05-May-21 19:09:42

With his update, no way I would move

Sparkling Wed 05-May-21 18:52:20

Can’t thank you enough for your responses. I know my d could see me more than a few times a year, I cannot drop in, she doesn’t like that, if I ask her over she’s busy. 16 miles isn’t too far for me but they am rarely asked. Really that niggle is telling me not to. I dread telling her I’m staying put, she does like her own way, 16 miles is nothing in a car, we both drive. Seeing your answers has put it in perspective, I was just being foolish.

pandapatch Wed 05-May-21 18:10:04

I'd stay put too. We are about 16 miles from my son, partner and grandchild, who we look after one day a week. I think it is the ideal distance, near enough to easily see each other and help each other out but far enough away that we are not in each other's pockets.

Fronkydonky Wed 05-May-21 17:45:20

I’d stay put if I were you. An elderly couple of neighbours that lived in London all of their lives, moved to my city on the Welsh border to be near their only son who had moved to Wales with his family. They knew absolutely nobody here and their son visited them once maybe twice a year until they both passed away. The next door neighbour did far more for them than their absent son ever did. If you are happy in your village stay put. I’ll bet my late neighbours wished they’d stayed near all of their friends.

Caligrandma Wed 05-May-21 17:28:59

Yes, take your time. Are there grandchildren? It's common for daughters to want you closeby. I agree 16 miles is fairly close already. Gosh, in a city 30 miles is close. Do you own a property? If so, there are taxes, selling costs etc. I would just offer to visit her more often. Start with that. See how it goes.

Joyfulnanna Wed 05-May-21 16:55:25

Don't move if you have a lovely community that you value. 16 miles is a healthy distance from family lol

chattykathy Wed 05-May-21 16:35:41

My DD lived about half an hour away and we managed to see her and the GC at least once a week. Three years we fancied a move so went closer to her (about 10 mins away) but the main thing is that I love the town we are in. We do see more of the family and it's been great during lockdown as we either cycle over to see them as part of our exercise and we've been able to help out with childcare. I think in many ways it's more to do with your relationship than the distance but it does have advantages being so close

lizzypopbottle Wed 05-May-21 15:52:17

I agree with most on here. I could drive 16 miles to my nearest Asda and think nothing of it. Have you considered letting your house, on a properly contracted, short term let, for six months and renting where your daughter lives? Then you'd know whether or not it would suit you to sell up and move.

Rene72 Wed 05-May-21 15:40:58

Stay where you are. I moved to help my disabled daughter when she got pregnant as she said she wouldn’t be able to cope. I ended up being an unpaid nanny and cleaner. She even used to send me shopping and I had to keep asking her husband to put the shopping bill money into my account. When she said to me...”I’m going to the gym, make sure you wash the conservatory floor and get the shoe marks off H has left on from his shoes” it was the final straw. I’d put up with a lot if arrogant remarks from her but this was the final straw. I didn’t even get weekends off, she’d ring me to look after the children (she’d had another by then) as they wanted to go out! Not saying your daughter would do that but at least you won’t be left in a strange town away from friends etc. as I was!

Edith81 Wed 05-May-21 15:36:11

Sorry I meant D not GD

Edith81 Wed 05-May-21 15:35:03

Sparkling, I think a lot depends on how strong your relationship is and are there any grandchildren? Would you see that much of your GD if you moved closer. Does she work full time and has she got a lot going on in her life. You don’t want to uproot yourself and then regret it. Just make sure it’s something you would want for yourself and not for convenience for your daughter.

GoldenLady Wed 05-May-21 15:26:45

For a column I write for our local (senior community) paper, I once took a survey on why people had decided to move here. The overwhelming answer was "To be nearer to my children."
However, people weren't talking about 16 miles, which is practically right next door, to my way of thinking. Many people, including my husband and myself, moved thousands of miles,
You've got lots of good advice here. Stay put, at least for now.

PembsPaul Wed 05-May-21 15:12:30

Stay put!!!
I used to drive 172 miles every other week to see my mother and do her shopping etc.
Sixteen miles is nothing and if visiting is rare now, nothing will change if you move.
It sounds like you’re happy where you are, so don’t gamble that away!! Be selfish. If she wants to see you, 16 miles is nothing.
Good luck!

Sunshine6 Wed 05-May-21 15:03:41

Could be its just not the right time and you need to stay where you are until things become clearer. That doesnt mean you wont move...It just means you buy yourself some time in making such a big decision. Maybe it would be good to clarify that your daughter is sure that she wont be moving house anytime in the foreseable future and also get a better idea of how available she would be to see you more, if you did move

BlueBelle Wed 05-May-21 14:50:40

If 16 miles (which is nothing) is too far for your daughter to visit why do you think you ll see any more of her if you move closer
This isn’t meant to be nasty, but your daughter doesn’t seem to be making a huge effort, surely once a week (even on a bus if she doesn’t have transport) would suit you both do you in your heart think she would make more effort if she was on your doorstep
Only you can decide but you asked for advice and I d agree with others who said stay put A move at our age is huge often falls through or is sprinkled with problems unless you really really can’t wait to move I wouldn’t

barbiann57 Wed 05-May-21 14:37:30

Sparkling, I would stay put If I were you. I moved away from my friends of thirty years standing. It was a big mistake,as I missed my friends so much as we used to meet up on a regular basis,for meals outings etc. I made new friends but it was not the same, they would talk about people I did not know, and I always felt left out, as if I was not part of the group. Anyway I moved back to my friends and I couldn't be happier.

CBT61 Wed 05-May-21 14:26:01

My mum (85) lives almost 3 hours away from me and pre Covid I visited roughly every three weeks, weekly when my Dad was terminally ill. She doesn’t want to move closer as she has her own life. However as her life becomes more centred on her home, due to not being able to drive and walk as far as she gets older, I think she may change her mind. In a way I hope she does as I am also getting older and find the long journey very tiring. BUT this isn’t 16 miles! That is nothing! I used to do that every day to get to the school I taught in. It is strange that your daughter thinks this is too far. I guess it’s what we are used to... I hope you stay out if you are happy there and that your daughter gets more used to the miles!

SunnySusie Wed 05-May-21 14:01:33

You dont give your age sparkling, nor say if grand-children are involved, or if there are any health issues. I dont think it would be worth the upheaval to move just 16 miles and leave your current life on the off chance your daughter would visit more regularly. Have you expressed a wish for more visits from your daughter, or are you hoping she might take on some caring as you get older? None of these things are certain even if she was ten minutes away. It could be that she is not happy with taking on a caring role and is using the distance as an excuse, however, if you were nearer she still might not want to do any caring. Its not for every one, and its not a given nowdays that we can expect family to look after us when we are older.