Please can I have neighbour advice

The OP has replied that the problem has been solved now.

I would guess that the other neighbours may have got to the same point as you have before or just they may not be aware of what is going on.
You really need to sit down with them and explain about your condition and how it affects you and that you need that rest in the afternoon to be able to function. If that makes no difference, you need to ignore the knocking on the door - buy earplugs if you need to. Just don't answer the door!
Privacy screening that they are peering through? Either grow something up it or buy one of those fake greenery screens and fix it up so they can't see through!
Contact their adult children if you can at all - and just explain that you don't mind helping but due to your own health you are unable to help as much and then hand over all of the banking etc to them - it's not your responsibility.
Is there a community group in your area * is kind? Contact them and they should be able to take over the load or at least some.

Ironically it seems that people with M.E. ARE kind, helpful, neighbourly and wanting to please so it makes it all the harder to say no

I say this because I went to M.E. group therapy sessions where we talked about ourselves and our lives. It appears that the need to please others, wanting to be thought of as kind and giving, overdoing the helpfulness, trying to achieve perfection, not letting anyone down etc. were all common traits in the group!

Be this kind and helpful to yourself first, then if you have any energy left over you can share it with others but only as and when you are well enough

My guess is they will soon find someone else to do their bidding. These kind of people are very wily and often get what they need from others in the nicest and most charming way!

In your place I would contact the neighbours' adult children and explain your situation health-wise and that you are no longer well enough to continue helping their parents. Ask them if they will help explain this to their mother and father as they don't seem to have understood your explanations.

And do mention the business of the cheques, because as already mentioned this is a potentially nasty situation for you to be in.

Tell them all - the children and the parents, that you cannot continue to do their shopping from a fixed date.

If your neighbours, like some elderly or old people, no longer can manage on their own, it is really up to their children to either arrange for a home-help or whatever else is needed, or to persuade their parents to contact the relevant authority and ask for help.

You are unwell and have difficulty coping with your own affairs at times, so there is nothing wrong in not helping others.

Lock your gate, and don't answer your door, unless you know who is ringing or knocking and know it is not the neighbours. If you do answer and it is one of them, make some polite excuse and close the door again.

Really sorry for your situation. You have a kind heart helping them out. However, as you are not very well suggest you contact Thor family explain your situation n perhaps they could get carers to get shopping etc.

Suggest they get their own computer, and if necessary help them to understand it, and withdraw gracefully

Oh my goodness, we have such a similar situation and you have my every sympathy !

We have a a neighbour I’m guessing she’s late 60’s who rings my husband every day at 8:30-9:30 in the morning, EVERY morning to “have a chat” and almost every time asks him to pop out and get her one or two pieces of shopping, she has a husband who works shifts in a local carehome and she’s not housebound because she takes her little dog out every day ! It drives me nuts and I’ll give you the same advise I’ve given him !

Big girl/boy pants on and very politely but firmly explain you’re more than willing to help out in EMERGENCIES, but due to both your medical condition and other commitments you just cannot commit to a regular thing and that you do take a nap at this time every day so you’re sure she’ll understand if you’re not around at those times

Good luck !

I have fibromyalgia and because I look fine everyone cannot understand why some days I’m just not up to stuff xx

Could you make a sign for your door saying do not disturb? Maybe the other neighbours have been put upon before, so they would have been pleased that you had got sucked in. You must look after your own health. Be firm, and tell them to hand these chores over to their family. You are not being selfish! I like my privacy and space too, so I understand. Be firm, but nice!

Yay, progress! Good job.

It was very nice of you to help them out for a while. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about!

I would definitely not take them up on their offer to help you out sometime, because then it becomes a confused thing where they might think you have an informal deal with them that you help eachother out when needed. These are not your family or your friends and they clearly have other ways to get any help they may need anyway. Now that you've backed off from their needs, I'd also keep up on discouraging them from knocking on your door, coming over every time they hear you outside and etc.

I had an elderly neighbor who I really came to resent because she was always asking for things and running over to talk to me every time I stepped outside the house, it seemed. I barely even knew her and tried very hard to keep it that way because she was bossy besides being intrusive. I lived there for over a decade and she was a pain even with very little encouragement. My guess is she's probably been a pushy type her whole life.

It seems a fair number of elderly people want to keep living exactly the same as they always did and leaning on others more and more to fill in whatever they can no longer do themselves, including neighbors whose only tie to them is that they happen to live nearby. It's not your job to take care of these people!

Yes well done.

I have a neighbour next door who would come round and want to chat and then stop hours. If I said I had jobs to get on with she would say could she sit and watch me . I wouldn’t have minded ten or fifteen minutes, but she almost always overstayed her welcome. I had put up with this for years so when lockdown arrived and we only had a chat over the garden fence, I found it very freeing to be able to just walk away- so a few weeks ago I texted her saying I needed a little distance in our friendship for a while due to still wanting to stay antisocial and quiet for the foreseeable future.
I think it hurt her feelings, as I didn’t even see her in the garden for two weeks, I felt mean, but when I did see her everything was fine. So now we chat when we see each other in the garden which suits me much better!

Great news. It must be such a relief to you.

That is good MelBB

25Avalon

Job done. Glad You have had a friendly understanding letter back from them - a response from nice people. Don’t go feeling guilty now.

Thank you x

Job done. Glad You have had a friendly understanding letter back from them - a response from nice people. Don’t go feeling guilty now.

Great advice.
GillT57, ohh that sounds intense. ?
I feel very guilty as my family feel sorry for them and one or two think differently. I've just received a final shopping list and kind letter back saying thabk you, they understand and they have a son on hand. Also, that I can ask if I need anything. I feel??

You ve done the right thing for you but please beware they may well just ask for just one ‘little’ thing, so you have to stick to your word and not give any mixed messages
I m sure they are nice people who were glad of a younger ‘able’ person as their next door neighbour ME can’t be seen and is more likely not noticed, if you were in a wheelchair they probably wouldn’t have asked.
Keep your courage up it isn’t about being nasty just setting clear and manageable guidelines

Well done. Let us know what happens next if you need support

Well done, it really is very difficult isn't it? We have a neighbour here who overwhelms whoever offers her help. I would like to be there if she needs something, but I have found, to my cost, that if I do, she is knocking at my kitchen door several times a day, asking me to come over and hang some curtains or drive her to church miles away as she needs to chat to the priest. She does the same with my lovely neighbour who has now had to resort to locking her front gate. We feel terrible about shutting down contact, but it gets overwhelming, and she does have family nearby. Your health must come first, and this couple's family must not use you for free parent care, they need to step up and arrange shopping or cleaning or whatever is needed. Attendance Allowance is not means tested, but it does grind my gears when elderly people abuse people's kindness, just to save money for their children! Good luck, and do have a good rest.

You did great!

?? I love it Jaffacake2! ?

MelBB well done on taking the first step, that took courage, but as Jaffacake says they may well reply. You must retain your stance. Be assertive which is nothing to do with being aggressive ( I went on a course when I was a career for my son). Just say you are sorry but this is what your doctor has told you that you must do for the sake of your health. Don’t get drawn into arguments, just keep repeating the above calmly and quietly. Eventually they should get the message. If they are really nice people they will be asking how you are. If they don’t they are not. You are too nice. Please do not worry about them. They will survive without you.

Well done for sending the letter ! Please be prepared for a reply which may try to guilt trip you into continuing your help for them. I think they will be reluctant to let you go. Don't take offense at anything they may say. Your health mentally and physically is the priority.
Had a chuckle at nice owl paper ,you are so thoughtful and still being kind.I would have probably stuck my message on the back of a used envelope as would have had enough of being used !!!

Well, I've posted the letter through the door (on beautiful owl paper) and explained that I cannot do the shop after this week because I need to convalesce and reduce what I do because of my health. I kept it short and sweet. I've unplugged my phone and will wedge the gate as I really need to rest today and catch up on some chores. Thank you everyone for giving me the courage to do this. It's helped me to see that I'm not responsible for them, especially now lockdown is over, and that their family needs to step up or they need to get help. As said by many of you, my health is important and by them disregarding my needs it is unfair on me. And the last thing I want or need is to be tied for x many years, and expectations to possibly increase when I'm not able. I've loved having your advice and finding such pleasantry and support, thank you. ?

cornishpatsy

I know it is not your responsibility but could you contact volunteer groups in your area or give them the details to do so. Then you could say you are not going to be able to carry on helping but you know someone that can. The volunteers may also be able to help with other things they require.

Perhaps the volunteer groups will help MelBB too.

The note is a good idea. Personally I would state clearly that:

*the shop on ...(date) will be the last one you will do
*you are unable to open the door between ...and ...because that is your rest time, which you have to adhere to because of your health