What would you do?

hybrid1000 What a situation to be in. it is so clear that you are the only one with your grandson's best interest's at heart. yet parents will get precedence, even though what they are doing is not good for their child.

Now I've read that the father has, on a couple of occasions, shouted at the boy's mother, I can see that the boy has probably behaved in that way because he was upset by the shouting.

Well hold on MOnica. We only have one side of it here!

Reading between lines sounds like the OP is angry she hasn’t got custody? For the reason you assume, that she is the only one with the child’s best interests?

I also have one child with autism and I don’t think I would make a huge hoo-haa about him at 5 peeing in the garden. In fact my others who are not autistic would have done same lol.

Father seems to be more of the problem. Felt uncomfortable when op said he thought he would be getting a “normal” child. What exactly is “normal”? An autistic child might need to be approached slightly differently to what the father is familiar with but it is “normal” in the child’s life.

I would forget about scoring points with the mother, encourage your child to go to the bathroom but not freak out if he pees in the rose bush. As you say at school he will realise it isn’t done outside.

Think dad just has to understand a little bit more. For example - direct instructions only- an autistic child needs firm instructions eg no good saying “don’t put your feet on the coffee table”. You need to say “put your feet in the floor”. Just an example of how an autistic brain thinks.

Your son would be hugely enlightened if he enrolled on an autism course.

Good luck but am sure your grandson will come on in leaps and bounds once he is understood.

Valerie read the OP's posts. She has tried to get the father to 'understand a little bit more' and do a course on autism, without success.

perhaps you could explain to her how to get someone unwilling to do these things to change their mind.

No you can’t but in OP initial post she was saying the mother and grandmother were lax and that her and her son were more disciplined so without knowing more about the child or his condition (varying degrees) it is hard to make a judgement. From what she says I wouldn’t be worried about a 5 year old peeing outside but I would be worried about the attitude of a father who doesn’t understand or worse refuses to accept. Which is why I said we don’t know IF the only person who has the child’s best interest at heart is the OP. Could be his mother and maternal grandma understand more? We just don’t know. All am saying.

There are hi-tech companies who ask for autistic people to work for them as they have brains which think and reason differently. I believe GCHQ does too. Perhaps if the father was told this he may be more likely to accept that the stigma associated with autism is fast dying.

he only seems to forget when he is stressed, such as when Daddy has been shouting at either him, me, or his Mum.

It sounds like Dad does far too much shouting.
Autism, or not, this will be upsetting for the child.

ValerieF

Well hold on MOnica. We only have one side of it here!

Reading between lines sounds like the OP is angry she hasn’t got custody? For the reason you assume, that she is the only one with the child’s best interests?

I also have one child with autism and I don’t think I would make a huge hoo-haa about him at 5 peeing in the garden. In fact my others who are not autistic would have done same lol.

Father seems to be more of the problem. Felt uncomfortable when op said he thought he would be getting a “normal” child. What exactly is “normal”? An autistic child might need to be approached slightly differently to what the father is familiar with but it is “normal” in the child’s life.

I would forget about scoring points with the mother, encourage your child to go to the bathroom but not freak out if he pees in the rose bush. As you say at school he will realise it isn’t done outside.

Think dad just has to understand a little bit more. For example - direct instructions only- an autistic child needs firm instructions eg no good saying “don’t put your feet on the coffee table”. You need to say “put your feet in the floor”. Just an example of how an autistic brain thinks.

Your son would be hugely enlightened if he enrolled on an autism course.

Good luck but am sure your grandson will come on in leaps and bounds once he is understood.

ValerieF, No i'm not angry that I didn't get Custody, I'm upset because my GS's Father won't accept this very Unique little man for who he is, that his Mother accepts that he is Autistic but won't enforce the routines that he responds well to and also won't do a course that would help her to respond better to his needs, that his Maternal Grandmother also doesn't accept that he is Autistic and that he needs clear boundaries, routines and instructions, she sees him as just a very naughty boy who won't do as he's told, and can't see that he is doing as he's told but because the instuctions he is being given are not clear to him he doesn't do things exactly as she expects him to do them so then she thinks he is deliberately disobeying her, so then she shouts at him and calls him a naughty boy, and that every time my GS comes to see me he asks "When can i come home and live with you?" and then gets upset when I tell him that he has to live with his Mother and Maternal Grandmother.
I am not trying to "Score Points with the Mother", I just want what's best for my GS, when he lived with me he had clear boundaries, routines, and instuctions, he was well behaved and rarely acted up, but since moving in with his Maternal Grandmother where he has no boundaries, routines, etc., he constantly punches, kicks, bites, and attacks his Mother and Grandmother, has regular "Meltdowns", and is nearly always angry and upset, but when he is with me he is the calm, happy, loving, well behaved boy that he used to be when he lived here.

hybrid1000 that is a terrible situation for the little boy, and for you.
Is there any social worker or health worker involved, who can explain to his relatives how to interact with him?
It's clear that his life is much more difficult than it needs to be, and peeing in the garden is just a result of that.

FarNorth, there used to be a Social Worker involved up until January of this year, but she just put his behaviour down to his "inability to adjust to his new situation", even though he told her repeatedly that he was behaving this way because he wants to live with me not his Mother, because i understand his needs and have taken the time to learn how to interact with him on a level that he feels comfortable with and to which he responds positively.
Before they moved him to his other Grandmother's house i tried to tell them that this would happen, but they wouldn't believe me, then 7 months ago, just before they closed the case, the Social Worker actually admitted that she had made a mistake in moving him to his other Grandmother's house and apologized for disbelieving me, but she said that there was nothing she could do about it now, unless the Mother physically harms him, because they can't move him back here without "just cause", but considering that it has now been 14 months since he left here and his behaviour is continuing to deteriorate, i would have thought that they already have "just cause" to move him back here as he has repeatedly requested them to do.