Retirement Dilemma

We moved back to the UK from being overseas for 18 years and it took me a few years to settle. It felt like moving to a foreign country as things had changed so much.
It is a good idea to move back for a while into your house in the Uk.
Having said that we left a house in London and let it while we were away. It shrank in the time we were away and seemed much smaller when we went back.

I have returned to live in Surrey after nine years of retirement in France.
My home here, to my amazement, has turned out to be a godsend to me, as a single divorced woman.
It is a one bedroom flat in a very well built retirement block, and the tiny kitchen has a window and is big enough for a washing-machine too.
Because there is an age limit on retirement properties, it cost £95000, and meant that after selling up in France I could afford to live in this lovely area, surrounded by woods and waterways.
I am minutes from the High Street and also from the local park.
In addition, my first floor flat is also the nearest I have ever lived to a train station, all of five minutes walk.
Yet we are tucked away in a peaceful cul de sac and surrounded by a large garden, and so no more gardening needed, my service charge of £197 a month covers that.
I love living here, only five miles from family, and the cultural aspects of London that so attract me are easily within reach.
When still in France, I never suspected that I could afford to move here.
I love my new life and am enjoying every moment. I found it very easy to adapt to life in the UK again, and joined a church so that I could be part of a community, as I am a life long Christian.
I hope that you can stop having sleepless nights about your future, don't let worrying about it affect the joy of living fully each day in the present now, and may your retirement be a very happy one.
Always go with your heart.

Your measured and considered post shows how you understandably want to make the right decision and there is much sage advice on here.
My own thought is that you should do what is best for you. Family situations are in a constant state of flux, so what might be a fair solution now could be very different in a few years time. As difficult as it is, put yourselves first.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope that you both have a long, happy and healthy retirement.

If you move back to the uk then your son would probably not be very happy and with the weather not being anywhere near as good as where you are you would probably miss that very quickly and no point in you being miserable, if you move somewhere like Spain, it’s a short, relatively cheap flight from uk so daughter and any family could easily visit quite often and you could also visit the uk, and you are assuming they will have children, it might be 10 years before that happens and hands on might mean babysitting 5 days a week , which is not retiring

Have you considered that you might not be able to relocate in another European country? Since Brexit rules have changed and restrictions have been imposed. If you are seriously thinking of retiring to Spain for instance, check carefully on the new rules.

Never been in this situation, but one idea - have a Zoom call with both families at the same time, you could gauge how they feel about it and they would know you are considering both.

Good Luck

I wouldn’t be having sleepless nights in your position. Obviously money is not a concern going into retirement.

I will never be able to retire and when I become too old or infirm to work I will have to fall on the mercy of the council to house me and pay me a pension or a benefit of some sort.

Trust me, you have idea what a sleepless night is until that hangs over you.

Did I miss where you said you are right now? With Brexit the factor of your current nationality might affect your rights if you settled in Spain. If you have citizenship of an EU country that should be ok. Otherwise I'd stay where you are (where you presumably have settled status) or return to the UK. Also as disputes emerge between UK and EU, I can see brits becoming less popular overseas.

You say your DS might find it a hassle to make the longer journey to the UK? While you're still relatively active, you could fly to them sometimes so the burden doesn't fall on them all the time.

Now as to hands on grandparents, that's lovely while they are small, but from first hand as well as experiences of other friends once the grandchildren start school that bond reduces, and once they are young adults it's not untypical that they only visit out of a sense of duty, and not all that often. So please don't let being near the grandkids outweigh any of the other pros and cons.

A large factor is where will you be able to cope best once you start to become "old". Maybe your daughter will the better person to keep an eye on you both, maybe the son. Think about that, too, as well as healthcare costs.

My parents were in the same quandary when they retired. My father worked for the British govt and was posted to several African and South Pacific countries over a period of 30 years. My sister and I were at boarding school here and both decided to settle here when we’re were adults, not follow our parents. They retired back here when my father was 60 because they wanted to be closer to us, they had a beautiful house in the South Downs and were equidistant between me and my sister and our families, a couple of hours in each direction.
The conclusion to this is that they were unbelievably unhappy, the weather depressed them terribly..they had been used to a wonderful climate all year round and a great expat lifestyle and here they were in gloomy damp dark England. They saw us regularly but obviously didn’t live in our pockets and were lonely a lot of the time, it’s hard to make new friendships here, things overseas are so different and they had little in common with their new neighbours. It was a sad end to what, up to coming home, had been a great life.

I agree with the comments of Mumofmadboys, Riverwalk and Tanith. My husband and I slid into retirement over time, due to his serious health problems and my own several major surgeries. I just know how important it is to be realistic about ageing and the possible problems it brings. Example is you may not eventually be fit enough to hop on and off planes so easily. I would say to opt for being permanently close to at least one family and stay connected via modern media with the others. I am now a Widow, with no family except cousins (though the admins kindly let me join this forum which I so enjoy - thank you.) (Nice sensible people here!). Sometimes you can plan too much but you never know what life is going to throw at you. I recognise your dilemma and sympathise with your sleepless nights(!) but then I guess you are very lucky to have so many choices. I wish you all the best in making the right decision for both of you and a long and happy retirement.

I’d absolutely go with your heart.

Do what's best for you as a couple not for your children

Readymeals, your third paragraph is spot on.

Cannot understand moving close to one child at the expense of being so much further away from the other. Obviously 2 homes would be ideal but not many people can afford that luxury. What if the child you move closer to then has to move away for work, other family commitments etc? Things can change very quickly. I would decide to move to wherever you and DH feel happy living. After living abroad for many years and then returning to live in the UK I found it quite difficult and not as I remembered it despite frequent holidays here.

Cannot understand moving close to one child at the expense of being so much further away from the other. Obviously 2 homes would be ideal but not many people can afford that luxury. What if the child you move closer to then has to move away for work, other family commitments etc? Things can change very quickly. I would decide to move to wherever you and DH feel happy living. After living abroad for many years and then returning to live in the UK I found it quite difficult and not as I remembered it despite frequent holidays here.

Cannot understand moving close to one child at the expense of being so much further away from the other. Obviously 2 homes would be ideal but not many people can afford that luxury. What if the child you move closer to then has to move away for work, other family commitments etc? Things can change very quickly. I would decide to move to wherever you and DH feel happy living. After living abroad for many years and then returning to live in the UK I found it quite difficult and not as I remembered it despite frequent holidays here.

Apologies, did not mean to post twice!

There have been a number of very good point raised already. To throw in my 5 pennyworth, I agree you need to think what is best for you and your husband first. However then do some 'what if..' worst case scenario thinking. My fit, energetic brother had a heart attack last year which brought home to us all the speed with which life as a couple might change. Fortunately he recovered but other friends of similar ages have not been so fortunate. We live in France and I can find it difficult to know how much to tell my husband's children about his health challenges (both mental and physical). Sadly age does take its toll and present one with a wide range of challenges. Where do you want to be and what is important to you when that period of your life arrives? We are thinking of eventually returning to UK and then renting a place abroad in the summer months for those who wish to join us! One challenge for us will be avoiding proBrexit areas - I don't fancy the debates in the pub!

Your husband's concern is a valid one, and one I feel able to comment upon.

After years abroad, you will find it difficult to "fit in" in your native country.

My mother left Denmark upon her marriage to my father in 1947. For years everything in the UK was marvellous, much better than Denmark according to my mother.

Then when I was about nine, she changed her tune, becoming more and more dissatisfied with the UK and homesick for Denmark.

As both my sister and I chose to settle in Denmark, my parents retired to this country in 1980.

My mother was over the moon with joy at the prospect of lving in "her " country again.

THEN she started to discover that the country she remember from 1947 had changed just as much over the years as the UK had.

Suddenly there were lots of things that displeased her and even more that she missed from her years in Scotland. For most of the rest of her life, she irritated my sister and me with her constant criticism of the way things are here and totally refused to understand things like Income tax here, and why she had to pay it - even although she was receiving a small state pension here over and above her British one.

I am not saying you and your husband will feel the same, but you might.

I would hesitate very much to chose to live near one of my adult children in preference to the other. Surely by chosing to do so you are telling the one you are not geographically near to that he is less important than his sister?

Whether you post-Brexit can stay where you are is another matter. You do not say you are in the EU - that is an assumption those reading your post are making.

I am sure you have already considered whether Brexit is going to affect you or not, or to what extent it affects you.

After all unless you have both worked for the British government or a British firm in your years abroad, you probably don't qualify for pensions from the UK.

The point made about grandchildren growing up and not wanting to spend holidays with their grandparents is a valid one, so is the point of old age and widowhood abroad.

If you do remain where you are or outside the UK, or own property in two places, do please make sure that your wills are valid in both countries - otherwise you can leave both the survivor of you two and your children a nice legal mess to clear up!

My parents needed quite a lot of help from a firm of international lawyers to ensure the validity of their wills in both countries.

Think about the accommodation, weather and locality character/facilities you both want. Other considerations come after. You cannot depend on things relatives may do.

My advice would be to buy a place in Spain as its a lovely lifestyle and the sunshine, outdoor lifestyle and relaxed way of life is better for your health but obviously because of Brexit I don't think you would be able to live in Spain or any other EU country for any more than 90 days a year I think as you are a Uk citizen, even if you do buy a property over there and you would not get free health care etc . I lived abroad in different countries including Tokyo , Japan for three years but came back to the UK 9 years ago. I wish I hadn't but then I still work and don't own a house. The UK is ok if you own a property and can live in a nice expensive area and have a very good pension pot and can get away on holiday alot abroad but otherwise it can be a grim place for pensioners because of the awful weather at least 6 months a year and as you say you may not fit in if you have travelled and lived abroad for many years because many in the UK are quite narrow minded! Thats just my opinion but my advice would be move and retire to somewhere with a warm climate and relaxed lifestyle!

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My son and his wife and their two large cats live 200 miles away. They are having extensive renovation work done to their house and have been advised by the architect to move out for three months (they both have asthma). They had planned to take a short-term let but can’t find one where cats are allowed and they don’t want the cats to be in a cattery for such a long time. They have just asked if they and the cats can come and stay with us for the three months (from mid August). We have a big house and feel we must say yes but I do feel a bit daunted and would welcome advice about any ground rules e.g. around private space and cooking arrangements??

i would say that you can read ,gain other people's advice, read until you are bored,but only you can make the decision.Some people need to be nearer family/friends, some don't, some want to live in a warm climate, some don't etc. If i have big decision then a pros and cons list and scale each point from a scale 1 to 5,
i find this helps.Some say go with your gut feeling.I think with retirement we need a purpose and being near people who care for us. i can also think of often used quotes, 'the grass is greener(but needs watering)' 'wherever you go, there you are.'

Keep your house in the UK. When you are over 80 you will probably value the NHS so keep your residency and your full state pension. Then look at a home some were warm but not too hot where family will come. If it is not large if it is near some holiday rental properties you will be fine. You don't have to run a swimming pool then and they get a choice of amenities.