Grandparents don't help or make effort

Lucca

CafeAuLait

Lucca

The mother of the child is the main person after all

Really ??? Why ?

I suppose I was as a mother. I scheduled all the children's appointments and classes and play dates because I facilitated them. I kept a diary that managed the activities of all of them (because it was also my diary of things to do). DH was also content to let me be social secretary (not by my choice - just not something he did, or, rather, didn't do). If you want to be scheduled in, communicate with me or build the kind of relationship where I feel I can and want to invite you myself. If you expect DH to do it, prepare to be disappointed.

The mother might be the person who does that in many families but she is not therefore the “main” person! The father is just as important.

Yes, the father is just as important and everyone should be a 'main' person. But if the mother is the main organiser then that might be relevant when it comes to family relationships and involvement. I am definitely the family manager. It's just an organisational role, it doesn't make me more important, but it does make difference when it comes to social things. It's not a role I asked for, DH just totally abdicated responsibility for that sort of thing. Maybe because his mother organised the family and that's the example he was set?

Yes we did too. I was a stay at home mum for 7 years but would never have regarded myself as the main person.

Smileless2012

I wonder if a mother being thought of as the "main person" is one of the reasons for family discord today.

I think people are meaning the main person in regard to the children. I was too, and like disco, my husband and I both brought different things to the table, but I was the main carer of the children. My husband cared for all of us. Today maybe it’s all different. Both parents often working, stay at home dads, etc.

I wonder if a mother being thought of as the "main person" is one of the reasons for family discord today.

CafeAuLait

Lucca

The mother of the child is the main person after all

Really ??? Why ?

I suppose I was as a mother. I scheduled all the children's appointments and classes and play dates because I facilitated them. I kept a diary that managed the activities of all of them (because it was also my diary of things to do). DH was also content to let me be social secretary (not by my choice - just not something he did, or, rather, didn't do). If you want to be scheduled in, communicate with me or build the kind of relationship where I feel I can and want to invite you myself. If you expect DH to do it, prepare to be disappointed.

The mother might be the person who does that in many families but she is not therefore the “main” person! The father is just as important.

I would have written a similar message as tidyskatemum. Some people’s answers are rather harsh. I’m sure Kzharr is just feeling a bit rejected by her OHs family which seems unnatural
to her with a new baby. My granddaughter has the same problem with her fiancé’s parents. She has two children under 3 and never gets a phone call or visit from them. They live 7 minutes away by car,so she feels it worse,because we are a very close family and we get so much pleasure from those children so it’s their loss.

The latest insight you've given us about how your in-laws treat your husband and the hurt it causes him makes me think what a lucky escape you and your baby have had. I wouldn't have wanted my children anywhere near people who play those creepy mind games. Stop trying to build bridges with them, would be my advice.

If the rest of your friends and family are the way you want them to be, don’t waste your life hankering after things that aren’t OK. It won’t affect them, but it’ll continue to affect you.
Be the strong one here. Say you don’t need them and get on with your life. If you aren’t in contact, you won’t hear any more ‘jokey’ comments to upset you.
Family may be super important to you, but you already know it’s not the same for them. You must have been coping without them since last October so you can feel good about yourself.
I lived so far from both parents and in-laws and DH worked away so it was manage or sink. I managed and so have you. Well done.

CafeAuLait

Lucca

The mother of the child is the main person after all

Really ??? Why ?

I suppose I was as a mother. I scheduled all the children's appointments and classes and play dates because I facilitated them. I kept a diary that managed the activities of all of them (because it was also my diary of things to do). DH was also content to let me be social secretary (not by my choice - just not something he did, or, rather, didn't do). If you want to be scheduled in, communicate with me or build the kind of relationship where I feel I can and want to invite you myself. If you expect DH to do it, prepare to be disappointed.

Yes..agree. The mum is the main person in that job. My husband worked, often away. I ran the home, and all decisions about the children were made by me.

My husband dealt with money matters etc. We each had our own thing. If I’d sent him out to get clothes for them, it would have been carnage! In the same way as me trying to fix anything at all in the house.

Lucca

*The mother of the child is the main person after all*

Really ??? Why ?

I suppose I was as a mother. I scheduled all the children's appointments and classes and play dates because I facilitated them. I kept a diary that managed the activities of all of them (because it was also my diary of things to do). DH was also content to let me be social secretary (not by my choice - just not something he did, or, rather, didn't do). If you want to be scheduled in, communicate with me or build the kind of relationship where I feel I can and want to invite you myself. If you expect DH to do it, prepare to be disappointed.

Didn’t I suggest perhaps the daughters were preferred to the son? Despicable that this should be the case, let alone ‘joked’ about. I feel very sorry for your husband. You’re never going to win these people over and they’re not worth the effort. Just enjoy your family and friends and make sure that if you have more children they are loved equally and that they know it.

His parents actively joke that the sisters are the favourite and he has before told me this upsets him and has always felt his mother prefers them to him herein lies the answer Kzzharr. To me this explains why your PiLs are giving more attention to their DDs' children and why your DH hasn't spoken to his parents about the issue. He's lived with this situation for a long time and feels there's no point I suspect.
Imo it's a childish and hurtful remark which isn't amusing on any level; it's certainly not to your DH.
Walk away from them. You'd be far better off living near your mother tbh.

And you have received plenty of compassion, some sound advice and some sharp comments.
None of this will change the situation which is that your boyfriend's parents, for whatever reason, are not prepared to offer the sort of attention you crave.
The only person who can change this is him and for whatever reason, he is not prepared to ask.
Snide remarks about detached grandparents won't endear you to anyone.

Kzzharr you said but what's the point in having children if come a certain age you aren't interested in them anymore? To be fair, I don't think it's a case of not being interested in them; but as we get older, we've developed lives of our own, interests, hobbies or possibly still working to one degree or another. And whilst we still love our adult children, and our grandchildren, we don't necessarily feel that we want to be too involved in your lives - we have our own to be getting on with. For some of us, we're not as young and fit as we were and find small babies or toddlers too tiring to be around for long. Or we might not be too keen on little babies but are happier when they're a little older. But if you still feel that your in law's are discriminating between your nieces/nephew's and your child, then your "hubs" must be the one to speak to them and find out what the problem is. As you've spotted, there are many diverse opinions on this thread. Any one of them could be the reason your in law's are keeping their distance. But you won't know until you communicate with them.

Ahh yes she did didn't she! Hadn't actually thought about that but maybe her in-laws are the same as mine ?

I'm really confused as to how I've seemingly offended so many people on this post.
Just asked for some compassion. Maybe I've hit a nerve of some of the more 'detached' grandparents as they now know how their DiL feel?

Yes that was rude.
(I suspect it is because Meghan said something similar)
I can see what you are saying, but if you have invited them to visit etc and they are not interested then it will have to be like that. Just concentrate on your family unit ! Glad you have friends around.

eazybee

*just asking if I'm ok would have been nice*.

Oh Perlease!

Hmmm....where have I heard that before?

Like lots of people have mentioned on this thread, we are all different and although you might not care about family connection, I do. So no need to be rude?

eazybee

*just asking if I'm ok would have been nice*.

Oh Perlease!

What?

just asking if I'm ok would have been nice.

Oh Perlease!

I haven't totally left the building just not answering to every comment as quite busy! These are all interesting points and didn't think this topic would divide opinion so much.
Personally I have a group of antenatal class friends (about 12) who have all had babies around the same time and myself and another parent are in the minority of not having family close by. All other couples have both sets of grandparents and see them weekly. Every mum I've spoken to has been quite shocked at this.
To me I've had a baby to watch him grow and help him through life where I can and that would involve being part of his life should he choose to have children. If my parents weren't interested in my baby I would find it upsetting and although hub doesn't say it, I know he does.
His parents actively joke that the sisters are the favourite and he has before told me this upsets him and has always felt his mother prefers them to him.
I understand we are all different contrary to some posters opinions but what's the point in having children if come a certain age you aren't interested in them anymore? That must be painful. And I don't expect constant visits and babysitting at all, I would never expect that! Even just a reply to my photo messages that I send would be nice.

Someone asked what I expected in the early days, just asking if I'm ok would have been nice.
Health visitors and Docs can only do so much, family is super important to me that's all.

The mother of the child is the main person after all

Really ??? Why ?

As was commented earlier every grandparent isn't doting. We love our grandchildren dearly, but we have now got a life of our own with outside hobbies and friends. When I was a young mum with 2 children we didn't get help or even expect it, having a child is a role you take on in life and just get on with it. Being a mother in-law is a delicate situation, I have a wonderful daughter in law, but have always tried to take things gently, it is an entirely different role to be granny to your son's child and being granny to your daughters child. The mother of the child is the main person after all. Therefore the relationship between your own daughter and then between your son's wife is entirely different. Just stop wanting so much from your in- laws, enjoy your baby and partner, they are the ones missing out.

Dont take it personally its just different families interact differently.
My mother was the same, my mil was great!