Jealous granddaughter

An 18-month-old is probably not of much interest to a 9-year-old. It's not nice that she ignores the baby, but maybe she doesn't really know what to do with her. Perhaps if you could help them to do something together for a short while it would break the ice a bit.

As for the sore hands, I found that handwash was much harsher than ordinary soap. If your GD is using handwash, perhaps you could give her some good soap to use instead.

Dont worry about her playing with the toddler. After all they are cousins. It's not the same relationship as if she were her sister.

I dont think she should be pushed to 'be nice' to the baby as that will force her to dislike her more.

Just let her be.

I would however, be concerned that she is stressed over Covid. If as you say she started washing hands obsessively.

What do her parents think?

Is it really that big a deal? I wasn’t interested in babies or toddlers when I was 9. I’m not sure why you’re all so upset over it.

Just leave them be, showing no favouritism to either.

Maybe she just resents the toddler getting all the attention? Easily done, as they're so cute at that age. I don't see why she's expected to play with the baby.

It could also be that she lacks confidence with small children - so perhaps an adult could involve them both in an activity - or demonstrate ways to respond? Ignoring isn't nice, though, so perhaps she could clap hands or peek-a-boo for a few minutes.

My grandson, at that age (having been an only child) resented being continually pestered by a small half-brother, spending weekends with his dad.

The soap thing - we've all had sore hands this year. I've bought two foaming soap dispensers for the guest bathroom and toilet. They are quarter filled with moisturising hand soap, then topped up with water. The foam, a weaker solution, is kinder. We use O'Keeffe's working hands before bed.

I should say that her parents speak to her about the hand washing,. She's very bright so they try to rationalise it and discuss her worries logically.

She gets so jealous that she leaves the room and goes go the bedroom she uses when she stays with us.

I agree with everyone else here. It is not unusual for a 9 year old to not be interested in a toddler cousin. How do you know she is jealous? Did she tell you that or are you projecting what you think she is feeling?

I am more confused as to why everyone seems to think that the 9 year old should be interested in the first place. Because they are cousins? So? Because everyone else is the family thinks the toddler walks on water?

As for the hand washing, please talk to her doctor if it doesn't get better. Obsessive hand washing is a form of OCD, which is a medical condition that needs to be treated.

We don't think the toddler walks on water. We think it's unfortunate that older cousin is upset if not getting sĺ gbd attention

'All the attention '

Don’t worry she doesn’t have to have anything to do with her cousin Not all people or children are comfortable with babies and if she’s taking herself off to her room she’s actually being sensible she’s not harming him or pinching toys from him she’s just quietly doing her own thing in her room that should be rejoiced Jealously would normally manifest itself in hurting the baby or taking his toys or whining and whinging she isn’t… she’s taking herself to a comfortable area and that should be rejoiced in

The hand washing is much more worrying she has become over anxious of Covid and she needs help with that as soon as possible it is not natural for a 9 year old to be so anxious and red raw hands must be a LOT of washing forget the going to her room scenario and concentrate on her mental health

The frequent handwashing feels like the bigger problem to me. It sounds as if she may need some help with this.
While we often find toddlers cute, from an older child's perspective not so much, they crawl after you, want your stuff... One child in our family found it distressing when the baby held on to them to pull themselves up.

Perhaps think about what else might be going on in her life

I can’t understand why it matters so much. It’s her cousin and a big age gap; unlikely they’ll be close. How often do cousins see each other?

doe the 9 year old get any attention when the toddler is around.
i agree with others; why should she be expected to entertain the toddler. there are issues of consent here too.
i think we all now that pressuring kids to kiss aunty/uncle etc is out of order, but it used to be commonplace.
is this so very different; let her develop her likes naturally, or not as the case may be.
as long as she id not doing anything harmful to younger one, let her be.
the hand washing may be a clue to her reluctance.
toddlers are not known for washing their hands or observing scrupulous hygiene.
this may be a cause for anxiety, fear of contamination.
try to be respectful of the girl and accept her as she is.

Nana56, I’m sorry to say this but you come across as quite judgemental and angry towards your granddaughter. As others have said she is only 9 and why should she have any interest in a non verbal 18 month old cousin. They would have hardly anything in common. She has not been aggressive to the baby. How do you know she is jealous, sounds like you are assigning emotions to her that she may not have.
It sounds to me that she is a little 9 year old who is showing signs of stress. I have an 8 year old grandson who is also washing his hands till they are red raw. He is so scared of getting the coronavirus and killing his brothers and mum and dad that he is for ever washing. Little children often soak up information that we don’t know about. Perhaps she feels the same. IMHO she needs lots of love and affection and not the harsh judgement of ‘she’s jealous’ .

Thanks for your reply. I'm not assuming she's jealous, she tells me that's how she feels.

Poor 9 year old. She's obviously very stressed about COVID transmission, but that doesn't seem to be as big a cause for concern as her not having much interest in an 18th month old cousin. And to cap it all, they're labelling her as jealous. Poor kid. No wonder she wanders off to a room on her own.

That is a very grown up emotion for a 9 year old to be expressing. If she is able to say it and understands what it means then maybe she needs to talk to someone outside of the family about this.
Bear in mind that, if I've got the ages right, the arrival of the toddler occurs around the same time as the arrival of covid and the anxiety that has brought with it.

tickingbird
This is not an unusual situation Yes there is a big age gap so who gets the most attention ??
I have witnessed this kind of behaviour on what appears to be jealousy on the part of the elder child.

They’re not brother and sister though they’re cousins
Is she in his company that much ?
I think it’s a big harsh to worry about her being jealous which is a normal reaction to a new baby, which will get all the oogs and ahs and ‘clever boy’ comments This little girl sounds dead anxious the hand washing is the worrying bit not any normal childish jealousy

Daisendl

I know it’s not an unusual situation for an older child to feel jealous of a younger one. My point was that they’re cousins, not sisters so why is it such an issue? It’s not as if they live together.

maybe some adult has said/suggested that she is jealous in her hearing and she has taken on that judgement.

I would have been appalled if I had been expected to have anything to do with a toddler when I was nine. I didn't even like dolls - why on earth would I want to play with a live one? I'd have been in my bedroom with a book.

It does sound as if she's been made very aware of the dangers of Covid, either at home or at school. With my grandsons I think we've rater underplayed it. It started as a bit of a game in the first lockdown with us making a bit of a game of shouting messages across the road to each other. Now we're just washing hands when we've been out and life is nearly normal. Perhaps the parents need to talk more about how much better things are now that people aren't getting ill so much.

I find it odd that if she is jealous she takes herself off to her own room. Most jealous children will try to get the younger child out of the way and gain attention or themselves. It sounds more to me as if she feels left out and so decides to just absent herself.In fact combined with the hand washing she sounds like a child who needs some reassurance.
One thing you could do to help with her hands is provide her with some good quality hand cream and teach her to rub it all over her hands after she has washed them. And I'd check she is drying them properly.
Did she perhaps have quality time with you before her cousin arrived? If so could you try to fit some in now? It might help.