How would you react???

It’s more that possible of course, that your DiL isn’t pregnant at all. They could be trying to get pregnant and not succeeding, which would explain all the things you mentioned. In that case, if they mention anything, be as sympathetic as possible because it’s very difficult when a woman doesn’t get pregnant month after month. I know this because it happened to my daughter.
I’d advise keeping an open mind until you get there. If she’s five months you’ll be able to see immediately. But she could be trying to get pregnant and not succeeding or she she have succeeded but be in the early stages.

I don’t really understand your post. Of course any care you give her child would be on her terms. What else would you expect?

As for telling you she’s pregnant ( if she is), why should it matter when you told?

You need to be very careful. This type of thinking could cause all sorts of problems later on. Mountains and molehills spring to mind!

Perhaps "on her terms" needs to be explained InOzMIL.

I think some people are being a bit harsh. I would just wait until they tell you, ask how far along she is and then possibly question why they have left it so long to tell you (if she is 5 months). At least you are taking an interest, I didn't tell my Mum I was expecting until I was 28 weeks and then when I had my baby (on my due date) I phoned her up after 4 days and told her he'd been born, she just didn't show an interest.

I think you need to put a lot of the "evidence" out of your mind - and stop judging. -you don't know what the situation here is and perhaps they have been unsure of the outcome of a possible pregnancy.

I struggled to conceive and anyone snooping in my house would have found evidence of prenatal supplements, pregnancy tests and avoiding certain items "just in case" during a 3 year period. I also suffered 3 miscarriages between 6 and 12 weeks.

When I finally became pregnant with my 4th pregnancy that turned out to be dd1 - I told nobody apart from DH, I wasn't sure the pregnancy was viable, had heavy bleeding between weeks 4 and 8. I didn't book in with the midwife until 14 weeks and didn't tell anyone until after my 20 week scan because I didn't really believe that there would be a baby this time. I'm glad that no-one was judging me during this time.

Although you have a somewhat difficult relationship with your DiL, feeling as you do that she is controlling and manipulates your son, the new baby (if there is one) is definitely news to rejoice over isn’t it?

Others have made very sensible suggestions as to the possible reasons why you haven’t been told about the pregnancy so when/if you are told you must of course react with joy at the news.

I put this question to a forum to try & gain perspective on this matter. And I do appreciate any constructive criticism from those who gave it.
I totally understand the not being able to conceive as I went through it as well. My 2 children are adopted children, so yeah, I get that.

Of course when you ask question to a forum it’s only a snapshot isn’t it?
Bit of an explanation of “on her terms”
I’m not allowed to take GS out the front door to the letter box or sit in a closed in entry, where there’s wooden bench & you can see outside, or have the front door open.
I was told not to change his clothes. Too much washing (I did change him once, when he was very young, when he was grubby or wet.)
Same with nappies, GS gets changed twice in 24hours, unless its dirty nappy. Then it’s ok.
Lunch is a boiled egg every day.
Usually GS goes to bed between 10.00pm - 11.00pm so he will sleep in late.
I understand it’s their child. I have gone along with this for last 3 years.
I did have discussions with my son when she was force feeding him his bottle bcoz she wanted him to finish it. To watch him crying & spluttering upset me & I had to leave the room.
This is also a culturally mixed marriage.
Please don’t label me as racist. My 2 children are overseas adoptions.
I’m trying to find middle ground with my son & DIL for all of us to be happy.

The way you have written that, some of those things are concerning. Nappy changes that infrequently, an egg for lunch (unless he's eating a lot more at other times). Not being able to go outside I wouldn't like, but that's a quirk I'd let go. Late night, as long as he's getting enough sleep overall, the schedule is just different. The forced bottle, I wouldn't be keen on that, but I did have a friend who pushed the bottles as her baby wasn't thriving and she had been instructed to push as much as she could, so I can see a possibility for an alternative explanation there. I understand wanting to minimise washing but a cold and wet child must be changed into something dry and warm. It must be hard to deal with some of those things, I can see that. As long as there are no welfare issues, some of the things like requiring an egg for lunch, a higher threshold for changing clothes and not being able to go outside are still her right as mother to decide on. And she still doesn't have to tell you when she's pregnant until she is ready.

Thank you for explaining.

I wouldn’t be happy about those terms either, but unless you think the child is at risk, mentally/ physically, there really isn’t much you can do.

I would say you need to stay close. So don’t do anything that could jeopardise this.

Why. CAnt you take the child outside ?

Hmm. So this really isn't about whether the dil is pregnant.

OP.

You mention a lot of water over the bridge for many years.
That information is relevant.

Where she is pregnant or not, it is her medical information to reveal when and if she is ready.
There are many reasons why she might not have told you if she is pregnant.
The status of her uterus has nothing to do with you- please do not make it about you
Your son and dil would also be disclosing their sexual life to you, not everybody is comfortable with telling their ILs when they had sex.

Btw, I still take prenatal vitamins because they contain iron and I am not pregnant.

I also have pregnancy tests handy just in case I need them. It is not unusual to have them in the house.

Your son also agrees with his wife so this is not all on your dil.

You are caring for your first gc so you are in good terms.

If they tell you, just say: congratulations!

Under the bride uff

Bridge....

She may not be pregnant as the ‘signs’ you’ve noticed could be indicative of trying to conceive among other things. She may have miscarried before and is being cautious, or they may not want to announce until they get test results or whatever and they’re sure all is OK. I think you need to put this to the back of your mind because it sounds like resentment could be creeping in. Try to accept that the timing of such an announcement is up to the parents and be pleased for them if there is a little one on the way.

Married for five years and have a three year old, and now perhaps expecting again?

You do realise there has been time for more than one miscarriage in this time-frame, don't you?

Anyone who either has had an earlier miscarriage or had problems conceiving is likely to wait until "she begins to show" to announce an impending happy event.

If you DIL is pregnant, congratulate her, when she mentions it. If she isn't pregnant, or says nowt, you do likewise.

Believe me, I speak from experience when I say that nothing is more painful than being asked if you are pregnant, when you aren't and would dearly love to be.

The only people who knew I was pregnant were my husband and me.We lost 2 babies from one pregnancy at different stages ,one lived for 4 days.When I was pregnant with the next I waited until I was sure it would be ok.....I was 5 months and immediately after telling both grannies to be I was whipped into hospital with pre eclampsia.Thankfully baby lived ,but in the years after we lost another 5 and no one knew .I had enough to worry about without managing family grief too.When I went into labour with the eldest of the two who survived no one was told until we knew the outcome .The same with my son who was born 11 weeks early no one knew until he was over the first few days .My mother wasn't happy ,but she would have insisted on being at the hospital and we didn't want anyone there .Our children are now 33 and 43 and always had great relationships with both sets of GP's,She'll tell you when she's ready ...her body her child

A dear friend of mine suffered a very traumatic late term miscarriage. Her next pregnancy, she told her mother when she was 8 months along, me a week before she gave birth, and everyone else found out when they announced the birth. If you already have a rocky relationship, there’s a good chance you won’t be one of the first people to know. They will tell you in their own time on her terms if she is in fact pregnant. Did she have issue with anything that happened with you when she gave birth the first time? Did you come to the hospital when she wanted privacy or anything like that? Ask intrusive medical questions? I’m not trying to accuse you of any such behavior, just saying if anything like that did occur, she could be trying to prevent a repeat.

Just looking at your name are you living in Australia ?
Unless you live with them how do you know he’s only changed twice a day (and at 3 I d hope he’s being it is potty trained) how do you know he only gets an egg for lunch EVERY day and what his daily bedtime is
In your original post you say your daughter in law has isolated your son from his family so how come you are with them so much if your isolated from them ?
You say you are going to visit shortly so you are neither isolated from them or living with them to see all these things

My advise is to enjoy the visit , do it their way when you do visit and stop wondering about their private life

Sorry of course you’re in Oz you told us at the beginning
Silly me sorry Wake up Bluebelle

DIL here. I can think of a long list of reasons not to share. One of the biggest ones besides not being pregnant yet, being very eay in pregnancy, or recovering from miscarriages would be people who made me uncomfortable the last time I was pregnant. People have this strange thing they do when you’re pregnant. They treat you like your body and unborn child are public property. I’m sorry, but my uterus and it’s contents aren’t the property of anyone else. I didn’t appreciate the constant unsolicited touching, comments about what I should or shouldn’t be doing, queries and directions about my career, constant demands for information, etc. If the earlier situations aren’t the case,
answer to your question may go back to DIL’s last pregnancy.

Which is more important to you? Having a grandchild on the way? Or being one of the first in the know? Clearly, if she’s pregnant, they have reasons for not sharing yet.

Please pardon any typos. I always forget you can’t edit comments on this forum.

paddyann54

The only people who knew I was pregnant were my husband and me.We lost 2 babies from one pregnancy at different stages ,one lived for 4 days.When I was pregnant with the next I waited until I was sure it would be ok.....I was 5 months and immediately after telling both grannies to be I was whipped into hospital with pre eclampsia.Thankfully baby lived ,but in the years after we lost another 5 and no one knew .I had enough to worry about without managing family grief too.When I went into labour with the eldest of the two who survived no one was told until we knew the outcome .The same with my son who was born 11 weeks early no one knew until he was over the first few days .My mother wasn't happy ,but she would have insisted on being at the hospital and we didn't want anyone there .Our children are now 33 and 43 and always had great relationships with both sets of GP's,She'll tell you when she's ready ...her body her child

So sad to read this paddyann54. No wonder you wanted to keep it all to yourselves. We lost our first at 13 weeks, so held back with any news for all following. Much less stressful. We had nowhere near the trauma you would have had though.

So glad you went on to have your healthy children ?

"I understand it’s their child. I have gone along with this for last 3 years."

Brilliant! If there is another child it will be theirs as well. Theirs to announce, theirs to raise - feed, clothe, allow outside. Give grace, their choices, a possible pregnancy isn't about you.