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How would you react???

(56 Posts)
InOzMIL Sat 09-Oct-21 23:33:03

Hi ladies,
How would you react to son & DIL who haven’t told you that she’s pregnant?
It’s a long story, isn’t it always?
DIL has isolated & manipulated son from family & friends. Married for 5 years & they have 3 year old.
I have been very involved in caring for 3 year which allowed DIL to return to work.
But always on DIL’s terms, it’s more like providing a service.
Last time I was at their home I picked up on few things that indicated she was pregnant. Due to lockdowns (I’m in greater Sydney Australia) haven’t seen them for 4 months.
I am going up next week & if I’m correct she would be 5 months pregnant.
With first pregnancy I was told when she was 3 weeks.
I’ve tried to keep this short but it’s obvious there’s lot of water under the bridge over last 5 years.
If I’m told she is pregnant next week…..
How would you react ?

CafeAuLait Sat 09-Oct-21 23:43:19

Care should be on DIL's terms - it's her child. If those terms don't work for you then you have right to refuse.

As for her being pregnant - I'd congratulate them. If she is indeed five months along I'd be a bit surprised and disappointed, maybe hurt, that it had taken them that long to tell me, but maybe there's a reason? Some people don't like to tell until the risk of miscarriage is past and maybe there have been problems with the pregnancy? Of maybe she's not five months along at all? Or even not pregnant?

Why do you think she's pregnant?

GoldenLady Sat 09-Oct-21 23:49:22

They don't owe you any particular date to deliver this message. There are multitudes of reasons they may have delayed in announcing her pregnancy (assuming she is, to begin with), some of which are probably not your concern.

How would I react? To me, any announcement of a new grandchild in the family is marvelous, happy news. I would express my delight.

If they hold back on communicating with you, could it be because you are conveying a hostile attitude? It comes through loud and clear in your post. You're making it very clear that you don't like her.

MissAdventure Sat 09-Oct-21 23:50:56

I don't see much difference really, when you are told.
It's strange to keep it quiet, but then people can be odd.
There is nothing to gain from you knowing sooner, so I would say nothing, as it's not worth falling out over.

maddyone Sun 10-Oct-21 00:00:02

‘Oh my word, what wonderful news. When’s the baby due?’

That’s what I’d say. I wouldn’t say anything about not being told earlier. However, if she is pregnant, I think it’s very strange that you haven’t been told.

Oopsadaisy1 Sun 10-Oct-21 00:09:11

Maybe she isn’t pregnant…

VioletSky Sun 10-Oct-21 00:10:26

You can't really guess how pregnant someone is, if they even are, and there are lots of reasons why they might not be telling anyone as which, sorry bluntly, aren't anyone else's business.

You don't seem to like her very much and that's a shame because she is the mother of your grandchild. I would assume she senses that and this will impact the relationship with both her and your son.

I'd just stay positive, polite and if any happy news comes your way. Be happy.

InOzMIL Sun 10-Oct-21 00:22:02

Oh yes, there’s been lots of stuff happened in this relationship.
Why do I think she’s pregnant?
Saw pre pregnancy supplement that she was taking months prior.
Pregnancy testing kit in bathroom. Asked is that safe for pregnant woman? When ordering something online.
Heard maternity leave mentioned in background conversation.
Without going into rant over DIL there has been many things that I’ve glossed over. I’m very aware that family relationships can crash & burn.
As far as sounding hostile towards her..
My stance is I always start out liking someone & form any opinion after getting to know them.

CafeAuLait Sun 10-Oct-21 00:27:02

Maybe the vitamins were left over from last time? Or pre-pregnancy vitamins and test kits - maybe they are trying to conceive? Maybe they haven't succeeded yet? Maybe there is no news? Obviously this isn't a time you needed to be informed of yet.

She lets you look after her child. That is huge. She wouldn't let just anyone look after her child. That's hardly shutting you out.

MissAdventure Sun 10-Oct-21 00:27:12

Well, if there are many things, at least the outcome of this one will be a baby to love.
That must be a positive.

VioletSky Sun 10-Oct-21 00:29:44

Pre pregnancy vitamins...

Pregnancy testing kit

Mentioning maternity leave

Asking if something is safe for pregnant women

These all could be happening before pregnancy happens at all. The most you know for sure is that they want another. Even if she was 5 months, let them tell you when they are ready. There could be problems or test results they are waiting for... I'd really try to put this all out of your mind

Elizabeth27 Sun 10-Oct-21 00:31:12

Maybe she is not pregnant yet or miscarried or maybe they want to tell you when they see you.

Unless you were snooping they did not try to hide the pregnancy test or supplements so they were not being secretive.

It could also be that they know you do not like her so do not want to share their news with you.

V3ra Sun 10-Oct-21 00:35:21

I'd react with great joy, and congratulate them both!

Maybe it's taken longer than they'd expected or hoped to conceive.
They may have been waiting for the results of the screening tests this time.
My daughter didn't tell us straight away.
Try and remember it's their pregnancy, not yours.

freedomfromthepast Sun 10-Oct-21 00:50:03

I had fertility problems and had 3 miscarriages. It got to the point that I didn't want to tell anyone we were trying! Not even my mother or MIL. I certainly didn't tell people when I got pregnant, because people looking at me with pity was more than I could bear. Just because she had no trouble (that you know of) with her first, does not mean she is not having trouble this time around.

When I was trying to get pregnant all those years, I kept pregnancy tests and pregnancy vitamins and everything else around. The amount of money we spent on pregnancy tests back then. Wow.

You are making assumptions. That never ends well for anyone.

I am going to be rather blunt here. Leave them be and try to stop thinking you are getting some short end of the stick. They do not have to tell anyone. Not even you. If you go and visit and you have decided that you are upset because of some imagined slight, it wont go well. Enjoy your visit with your son and his family!

InOzMIL Sun 10-Oct-21 00:56:38

Yes I’ve considered all of the above
Not pregnant, miscarriage, difficult relationship, putting it out of mind.
Unpacking it, I’m hurt & confused as to why they wouldn’t want to share something wonderful like another pregnancy.
Remember my ? Was how to react without showing it.

CafeAuLait Sun 10-Oct-21 01:08:35

But you don't even know if there is a pregnancy.

If there is, you just need to be okay with accepting they have their reasons for not sharing until they choose to. Don't read anything personal into it because chances are it's not.

mokryna Sun 10-Oct-21 01:11:01

For my third pregnancy we didn’t tell anyone until the Amniocentesis test results were known. My husband phoned his mother of the good news ….she slammed the phoned down on him…. I was never good enough.

InOzMIL Sun 10-Oct-21 01:26:10

Yes I’m trying not to take it personally.
Even my ex husband rang me & said he doesn’t feel welcomed in their home.
Catch up is next week, out of lockdown Yay!
I’ll let you know & thanks for your comments.

CafeAuLait Sun 10-Oct-21 06:02:27

Good luck and I hope you have a lovely visit. :-)

Baggs Sun 10-Oct-21 06:23:59

With joy, obviously. If she is pregnant and when they tell you be joyful and delighted for them.
Before that point it’s none of your business however much you would like it to be.

BlueBelle Sun 10-Oct-21 06:27:11

Yes I m trying not to take it personally
😂well obviously you’re not trying hard enough😂 There aren’t any rules as to when personal news should be given to family and friends and there are two people involved why aren’t you blaming your son
You haven’t seen them for 4 months have you considered if she is pregnant she may having a bad time or may have even nearly lost the baby or not be pregnant at all It’s between her and her husband as to when they want to go public

Enjoy your family and your break with them and stop looking for ways to get at her
How lucky are you to be so involved with your grandchild… count your blessings

FarNorth Sun 10-Oct-21 06:48:50

Those things could all mean trying to conceive but not been successful yet.

If she is pregnant, be delighted. There's no point being anything else.

wildswan16 Sun 10-Oct-21 07:54:41

Whether or not she is pregnant is really none of your business. Surely any reaction should be one of congratulation and delight (with not a word about your previous suspicions).

If you carry on thinking in this way you risk losing any relationship with your son and daughter-in-law,

Lucca Sun 10-Oct-21 08:20:25

How should you react ? With good manners for a start.

Hetty58 Sun 10-Oct-21 08:23:11

Talk about jumping to conclusions InOzMIL! If there's a baby on the way, it's entirely their choice to announce it when they wish.