How would you react???

Although you have a somewhat difficult relationship with your DiL, feeling as you do that she is controlling and manipulates your son, the new baby (if there is one) is definitely news to rejoice over isn’t it?

Others have made very sensible suggestions as to the possible reasons why you haven’t been told about the pregnancy so when/if you are told you must of course react with joy at the news.

I think you need to put a lot of the "evidence" out of your mind - and stop judging. -you don't know what the situation here is and perhaps they have been unsure of the outcome of a possible pregnancy.

I struggled to conceive and anyone snooping in my house would have found evidence of prenatal supplements, pregnancy tests and avoiding certain items "just in case" during a 3 year period. I also suffered 3 miscarriages between 6 and 12 weeks.

When I finally became pregnant with my 4th pregnancy that turned out to be dd1 - I told nobody apart from DH, I wasn't sure the pregnancy was viable, had heavy bleeding between weeks 4 and 8. I didn't book in with the midwife until 14 weeks and didn't tell anyone until after my 20 week scan because I didn't really believe that there would be a baby this time. I'm glad that no-one was judging me during this time.

I think some people are being a bit harsh. I would just wait until they tell you, ask how far along she is and then possibly question why they have left it so long to tell you (if she is 5 months). At least you are taking an interest, I didn't tell my Mum I was expecting until I was 28 weeks and then when I had my baby (on my due date) I phoned her up after 4 days and told her he'd been born, she just didn't show an interest.

Perhaps "on her terms" needs to be explained InOzMIL.

I don’t really understand your post. Of course any care you give her child would be on her terms. What else would you expect?

As for telling you she’s pregnant ( if she is), why should it matter when you told?

You need to be very careful. This type of thinking could cause all sorts of problems later on. Mountains and molehills spring to mind!

It’s more that possible of course, that your DiL isn’t pregnant at all. They could be trying to get pregnant and not succeeding, which would explain all the things you mentioned. In that case, if they mention anything, be as sympathetic as possible because it’s very difficult when a woman doesn’t get pregnant month after month. I know this because it happened to my daughter.
I’d advise keeping an open mind until you get there. If she’s five months you’ll be able to see immediately. But she could be trying to get pregnant and not succeeding or she she have succeeded but be in the early stages.

Talk about jumping to conclusions InOzMIL! If there's a baby on the way, it's entirely their choice to announce it when they wish.

How should you react ? With good manners for a start.

Whether or not she is pregnant is really none of your business. Surely any reaction should be one of congratulation and delight (with not a word about your previous suspicions).

If you carry on thinking in this way you risk losing any relationship with your son and daughter-in-law,

Those things could all mean trying to conceive but not been successful yet.

If she is pregnant, be delighted. There's no point being anything else.

Yes I m trying not to take it personally
?well obviously you’re not trying hard enough? There aren’t any rules as to when personal news should be given to family and friends and there are two people involved why aren’t you blaming your son
You haven’t seen them for 4 months have you considered if she is pregnant she may having a bad time or may have even nearly lost the baby or not be pregnant at all It’s between her and her husband as to when they want to go public

Enjoy your family and your break with them and stop looking for ways to get at her
How lucky are you to be so involved with your grandchild… count your blessings

With joy, obviously. If she is pregnant and when they tell you be joyful and delighted for them.
Before that point it’s none of your business however much you would like it to be.

Good luck and I hope you have a lovely visit. :-)

Yes I’m trying not to take it personally.
Even my ex husband rang me & said he doesn’t feel welcomed in their home.
Catch up is next week, out of lockdown Yay!
I’ll let you know & thanks for your comments.

For my third pregnancy we didn’t tell anyone until the Amniocentesis test results were known. My husband phoned his mother of the good news ….she slammed the phoned down on him…. I was never good enough.

But you don't even know if there is a pregnancy.

If there is, you just need to be okay with accepting they have their reasons for not sharing until they choose to. Don't read anything personal into it because chances are it's not.

Yes I’ve considered all of the above
Not pregnant, miscarriage, difficult relationship, putting it out of mind.
Unpacking it, I’m hurt & confused as to why they wouldn’t want to share something wonderful like another pregnancy.
Remember my ? Was how to react without showing it.

I had fertility problems and had 3 miscarriages. It got to the point that I didn't want to tell anyone we were trying! Not even my mother or MIL. I certainly didn't tell people when I got pregnant, because people looking at me with pity was more than I could bear. Just because she had no trouble (that you know of) with her first, does not mean she is not having trouble this time around.

When I was trying to get pregnant all those years, I kept pregnancy tests and pregnancy vitamins and everything else around. The amount of money we spent on pregnancy tests back then. Wow.

You are making assumptions. That never ends well for anyone.

I am going to be rather blunt here. Leave them be and try to stop thinking you are getting some short end of the stick. They do not have to tell anyone. Not even you. If you go and visit and you have decided that you are upset because of some imagined slight, it wont go well. Enjoy your visit with your son and his family!

I'd react with great joy, and congratulate them both!

Maybe it's taken longer than they'd expected or hoped to conceive.
They may have been waiting for the results of the screening tests this time.
My daughter didn't tell us straight away.
Try and remember it's their pregnancy, not yours.

Maybe she is not pregnant yet or miscarried or maybe they want to tell you when they see you.

Unless you were snooping they did not try to hide the pregnancy test or supplements so they were not being secretive.

It could also be that they know you do not like her so do not want to share their news with you.

Pre pregnancy vitamins...

Pregnancy testing kit

Mentioning maternity leave

Asking if something is safe for pregnant women

These all could be happening before pregnancy happens at all. The most you know for sure is that they want another. Even if she was 5 months, let them tell you when they are ready. There could be problems or test results they are waiting for... I'd really try to put this all out of your mind

Well, if there are many things, at least the outcome of this one will be a baby to love.
That must be a positive.

Maybe the vitamins were left over from last time? Or pre-pregnancy vitamins and test kits - maybe they are trying to conceive? Maybe they haven't succeeded yet? Maybe there is no news? Obviously this isn't a time you needed to be informed of yet.

She lets you look after her child. That is huge. She wouldn't let just anyone look after her child. That's hardly shutting you out.

Oh yes, there’s been lots of stuff happened in this relationship.
Why do I think she’s pregnant?
Saw pre pregnancy supplement that she was taking months prior.
Pregnancy testing kit in bathroom. Asked is that safe for pregnant woman? When ordering something online.
Heard maternity leave mentioned in background conversation.
Without going into rant over DIL there has been many things that I’ve glossed over. I’m very aware that family relationships can crash & burn.
As far as sounding hostile towards her..
My stance is I always start out liking someone & form any opinion after getting to know them.

You can't really guess how pregnant someone is, if they even are, and there are lots of reasons why they might not be telling anyone as which, sorry bluntly, aren't anyone else's business.

You don't seem to like her very much and that's a shame because she is the mother of your grandchild. I would assume she senses that and this will impact the relationship with both her and your son.

I'd just stay positive, polite and if any happy news comes your way. Be happy.