Visiting children and grandchildren

As working families we are probably a bit used to having to regig the plans due to puking or snotty noses or now in the time of test and trace and possible contact risks...

Our plans now always start as "either Tuesday or Thursday" and we've all forgotten until the night before about 50% of the time and end up visiting in what is very loosely described as clothes but could definitely pass as pyjamas for tea and Disney plus.

I can’t think how the OP thought childcare was going to work if Granny had to give up her place to him, can you?

I don’t think he thought it through from anybody’s point of view except his own.

I do not understand how an AC vs. parent argument even got brought into this? Literally no one suggested AC are always right. It was not even a topic of discussion and it has been said that those who are saying it is unreasonable would also say it is unreasonable if it was the opposite and an AC was acting like this.

No one ever said the friends were coming from the same country either. Those friends planned ahead and are paying to travel to visit. That may mean the cost of plane tickets, a train or even gas money. So it is OK to call them up and tell them, hey never mind, you cant come because granddad decided to come instead. Sorry you are out all that money. We hope you understand. They likely have been waiting that same 20 months to visit as well.

I do not understand how an AC vs. parent argument even got brought into this? Literally no one suggested AC are always right. It was not even a topic of discussion and it has been said that those who are saying it is unreasonable would also say it is unreasonable if it was the opposite and an AC was acting like this.

I know, it’s so disappointing to see the thread descend into this.

It’s not okay for ANYONE to expect to be hosted by anyone else and to expect the host to change their plans/routine for them.

Galaxy

I would think anyone who re arranged an already arranged visit in order that someone else could come was just incredibly rude.

I agree. I operate on first in, first served. If my parents are 'booked in', for lack of a better term, they are locked in and only a real emergency will change that. If friends are booked in, same thing. I was always raised to keep my promises.

Agree with you both...

Smileless2012

I wouldn't consider a parent who lives abroad, who I've hardly seen because of Covid and the GP my children haven't been able to see, as a late visitor.

It's not difficult to make new arrangements with friends who live in the same country, and I for one would appreciate the importance of my friend seeing a parent they haven't seen for some time.

It would be a very touchy and needy friend IMO who would feel that their visit being postponed under these circumstances, was ill-mannered and disdainful.

But it can be a nightmare arranging with friends. Work schedules, kids, other commitments.

And overall they could really want to see these friends and not want to lose what could be a rare opportunity.

My daughter and her husband live and work abroad so we only get to see her for a few days a year. And they try to pack in visits to a lot of people. Usually I have a couple of family and friend get togethers when they are here to maximise visits, and my time with my daughter. This year we are renovating a bungalow to be future proof and accessible, and as we are living in a building site it wasn't possible to have get togethers. I can only hope next year will be easier. That's what I do with a daughter living abroad and very limited visits.

I think if I was the one living abroad and coming over for a few days I'd rent a house easily reachable by my children and invite them to come to me as often as they could during my limited stay. It could be something really big, just for a weekend and have a big family weekend together, with everyone chipping in with food, cooking etc. I'd arrange it well in advance so that the dates could be held sacred!

It's hard when families are so far away from each other. It broke my heart when my daughter went away in 2005 and I always feel a little bit broken when she leaves again after every trip back. We use Whatsapp a lot for video calls.

Smileless2012

I think you'll find Summerlove that Allsort's post @ 16.18 was in response to Jane43 not the OP, she does give her name in her reply.

"As usual, the same people saying children are always right", it does look that way doesn't it.

Yes I am capable of reading.

Even janes sad post didn’t say that.

The same people who think the AC is always right? Or the same people who have a good idea of what constitutes healthy boundaries and healthy expectations?

Neither side is always right. We're people. Sometimes we're wrong, sometimes we're right. Sometimes we're both a bit right.

Exactly CafeAuLait none of us are perfect are we.

The OP feeling that s/he is thinking about giving up on his AC is IMO an over reaction and I said so at the beginning of this thread, but being upset at what s/he sees as a lack of effort on his/her AC's part isn't a crime, nor is the fact that s/he decided to move abroad.

There are countless posts on GN from P's/GP's whose AC have done the same.

I agree Smileless, giving up on your children because they don't say how high when a parent says jump is a huge overreaction. Nothing wrong with OP deciding to live overseas. It's their life. I do think they are unreasonable about their children not being able to accommodate them to the letter. It looks like the children have made an effort to accommodate the OP during the week of the OP's choosing. They can't help they have already got commitments that week. OP is being inflexible. The children aren't.

I think an airbnb will be much the better option for you both on this visit, certainly for your wife. Your time with the GC can be wonderful little treats with far less chance of family spats

I think there's a lot of missing information in the OP.

Were plans discussed at all with the AC, or simply announced to them? How far in advance is this plan?

How long as OP been living overseas? Do his AC and gc know/have a relationship with his wife? Has there been a maintained relationship with everyone?

A lot of variables and context missing that would drastically alter perspectives and answers.

As for the idea that friends can simply be rescheduled, there are a lot of assumptions at work for that to be plausible. Friends may have taken time off work. Budgeting. They may themselves be travelling from out of country. There may be an event they're attending while in town.

All of those issues make rescheduling at the last minute to be impossible.

At the very least, there seems to be a lack of planning involved, and a level of accommodation expected that clearly isn't something possible. Instead of being angry about what the AC can't do, why not appreciate what they can? Neither of them is able to house the OP for the entire week, but both have offered to host them for some of the time. To 'be done with them' b/c you're not getting everything you want seems rash, at best.

I always find it very odd that someone would say how much they miss their children and grandchildren but then rant because they aren't getting the time with them they are demanding. It seems to me to show an attitude of self importance and the belief that their feelings are more important than anyone else's. The children are not refusing to see them they are simply el limiting the time and have given their reasons for doing so.
The OP chooses to limit their travel because of their wife's job. The children choose to limit accommodating them because of other commitments. Seems perfectly fair to me.

Couldn’t agree more trisher. And says he’s thinking of giving up on them. I’m surprised they haven’t given up on him. Anyway nobody agreed with him and he didn’t come back (what a surprise). Probably in a huff.

Germanshepherdsmum

Couldn’t agree more trisher. And says he’s thinking of giving up on them. I’m surprised they haven’t given up on him. Anyway nobody agreed with him and he didn’t come back (what a surprise). Probably in a huff.

My MIL did the giving up thing. I always felt it was akin to silent treatment and meant to make us chase and give in. I don't play those games.