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New man - too much too soon

(96 Posts)
MaggieTulliver Tue 26-Oct-21 17:47:27

I’ve known this chap as an acquaintance for quite a long time, we’re both dog walkers. Recently he’s admitted to plucking up the courage to ask me out and I’ve agreed to go out with him for a meal. I’m 64 and not been in a relationship for aeons and he’s 57 and divorced. We have a lot in common and enjoy eachother’s company. Problem is I’m getting the ick because he’s coming on really strong. I had a delivery of wine, flowers and a card yesterday and he’s already suggested he cooks for me and a film as well as eating out (I declined). He messages me several times a day as well. I think I’m attracted to him but am a bit put off by this full-on behaviour. Is this a red flag?

Galaxy Tue 26-Oct-21 17:49:32

It's difficult to say. But possibly. I would tell him that you want to take it slow and see how he responds. If he carries on then yes it's a red flag.

Blossoming Tue 26-Oct-21 17:50:37

I’d tell him to slow down, and see how he reacts.

Grandmabatty Tue 26-Oct-21 17:51:02

Yes it is. Start telling him no and his reaction to that will inform you. It's known as love bombing. Tell him you want to slow things down and see if he can follow your lead. It reminds me of Tom Cruise jumping on the sofa to announce his love to Katy(I think).

Calendargirl Tue 26-Oct-21 17:56:09

OTT to me. Just too much, too soon.

It would put me off, I’m afraid.

MissAdventure Tue 26-Oct-21 17:59:47

I would say it is something to be on guard about.
If he knows it is making you uneasy, but continues anyway, then it doesn't say much for his idea of respect.
Saying that, though, have you spelled it out to him?

Smileless2012 Tue 26-Oct-21 18:02:48

I agree with Galaxy and Blossoming tell him you want to take things slowly. If he really likes you, he'll understand.

Fleur20 Tue 26-Oct-21 18:12:27

You need to be blunt and tell him to back off.
You will know from his reaction whether he is just trying too hard ie overexcited about a new relationship or maybe out of practice ... or is a problem.
If the latter.. its over.. be VERY blunt about that!

marymary62 Tue 26-Oct-21 18:13:42

Sounds like he plucked up the courage and the dam has burst .... Go
With your instincts MaggieT - you don’t like it, lots of us wouldn’t, some might - tell him to back off now politely but firmly and take your cue from that. Go out for the meal, don’t go back to his or him to you. It sounds a bit extreme perhaps but treat this like you would a date arranged via a dating app I think until you know him better ....

MissAdventure Tue 26-Oct-21 18:16:46

Call me a cynic, but I think the prospect of sex is behind all this "romance".

Kim19 Tue 26-Oct-21 18:55:48

Wow. I would certainly hope for the slowly but surely approach but that's how I've always been. You really have to go with your own comfort zone and, since you are both mature and already friendly, I can't see any problem with a gentle conversation. I wish you a positive and happy outcome. Good luck.

MaggieTulliver Tue 26-Oct-21 21:14:03

Oh my lovely Gransnet ladies thank you for your advice.

Galaxy Tue 26-Oct-21 21:18:39

Oh and obviously you need to tell us what happens grin

Urmstongran Tue 26-Oct-21 21:19:06


Shelflife Tue 26-Oct-21 21:23:07

Do take care . If you have asked him to back off a bit and he doesn't then that is showing little respect for you. Messaging you several times a day is IMO over the top. Follow your instincts to ensure you remain in control of the relationship. Good luck , hope all works out well for you.

BlueBelle Tue 26-Oct-21 22:44:11

Much too much for me, it would come across as too needy and put me off completely
Hope it goes alright for you but it wouldn’t suit me

lemsip Tue 26-Oct-21 23:39:06

he's insecure give him the elbow

Thistlelass Wed 27-Oct-21 01:21:26

Oh ladies where is your sense of adventure and romance? Lol. Quite possibly this guy is well out of practice at dating. The texting would not bother me as it is how we all communicate these days. Maybe just best explain you have got quite accustomed to doing your own thing. Sit down with him and try to agree between you how much face to face time seems okay to you both. From someone who remains alone 25 years on from divorce.

Joyfulnanna Wed 27-Oct-21 01:44:55

Do you fancy him or did he catch you off guard when he asked you out and you said yes because you were too polite to say no? When you tell him up back off a bit, perhaps you really mean just go back to being dog walker acquaintances. Or better still, spell out what you would like from a relationship rather than being led by his idea of what he wants, which is sex by the way.

MaggieTulliver Wed 27-Oct-21 07:09:54

I fancy him a bit Joyfulnanna but I’d fancy him a lot more if he wasn’t behaving like this! Will definitely have a word but don’t know if I want to wait till I see him on Friday. Is it ok to message him do you think? Along the lines of I’m looking forward to seeing you but all the attention at this early stage is making me feel uncomfortable.

Katie59 Wed 27-Oct-21 08:16:22

Are you looking for a serious relationship maybe a partner or do you want to stay single?.

He may be looking for a new partner to live with, if that is not you then tell him. As you have known him for some time there should be no safety concern, is he someone you want to live with?, if not let him move on.

Iam64 Wed 27-Oct-21 08:30:47

Good advice here. Too much too soon.

MissAdventure Wed 27-Oct-21 08:31:01

Oh no!
You could have a wonderful relationship without ever living together, so I wouldn't write him off, yet.
Besides which, how could anyone possible know that kind of thing after one date?
It's way too soon to be even thinking about that kind of thing.
It's fine to tell him of he is making you uncomfortable, though, by text.
He will either accept it with good grace, or he won't, but it's best to know how the land lies.

Kim19 Wed 27-Oct-21 08:36:58

I think it would be fine to message him. Read and re-read what you write until you are totally happy with it. Nothing rash or overly off putting. Just say how you feel but always be kind (which I'm sure you are) and I have the feeling a lovely relationship could evolve. I wish you well. Good luck.

Doodledog Wed 27-Oct-21 08:41:24

I agree with the others that you should have a word with him; but unless there are other red flags I would cut him a bit of slack at this stage. If he hasn't dated for ages he might just be unsure about what to do, and may be a better bet than a seasoned Casanova grin.

Have a lovely evening, and yes - be sure to report back!