New man - too much too soon

MaggieTulliver Is it ok to message him do you think? Along the lines of I’m looking forward to seeing you but all the attention at this early stage is making me feel uncomfortable.

Yes. Say exactly that. Good luck.

Totally agree.

How lovely, MaggieTulliver, that this man likes you. I agree with all that is said and take it slowly. He may just be very nervous, a bit like an over anxious teenager on his first date.
Good luck!
I'm dying to hear the next instalment!!

I agree with others who say don’t write him off too soon, but I don’t think I would text him about the rather full on behaviour.
I think most things are better said in person where we are able to read each other’s body language, which of course is impossible by text.

Be on your guard though on the date (which I’m sure you will) so that things don’t progress too quickly for your liking.

Having said all that, you say you’ve known him for quite a while and that you’ve got lots in common, so you don’t want to be too off putting in case this is the start of a lovely relationship.

Meanwhile, good luck, enjoy the date and hope you return here with an update!

I think he is just behaving as he thinks he should be - however many times do you see articles that claim that women should be given / sent flowers etc, for the man to be seen as either romantic or just as a precurser to getting their "wicked way" ?
I think you need to be honest with him, however embarrassed you might feel and say that you need to take it a step at a time and not to feel pressured .
Hope it goes well for you.

Re-read the rules and stick to them LIKE GLUE. It really is the only way I know of to avoid being hurt - and to be sure the chap has some respect for you if you become long term.

I think most things are better said in person where we are able to read each other’s body language, which of course is impossible by text. I agree with you JenniferEccles, as we all know from this forum, the typed word, without seeing the facial expressions and body language, can easily be misinterpreted. Just explain gently, face to face, and he will likely be relieved, he is probably as unsure of the minefield of dating as you are!

Maybe his ex complained about not receiving flowers etc and he thinks he is starting off as you would wish. Good luck hope the meet up goes well.

Next year one of my very dear friends will be getting married, but the relationship almost didn’t get off the ground because it started off in just the same way as you’ve described Maggie.

The man thought he needed to do the whole hearts and flowers thing, both to demonstrate he was ‘keen’, but mostly because he genuinely understood that was something that would be appreciated. His previous wife had always wanted romantic gestures.

Personally I’d wait until the dinner and simply tell him that whilst his gifts and text exchanges are appreciated you would welcome a somewhat slower pace. Honesty really is the best policy in most situations I find.

I met a man at a shared activity which we both enjoyed and I liked him until I got an email in which he told me he loved me.We hadn't even been out for a coffee together! That scared me off and I told him that I'd decided to go back to my ex husband.I lied because I was freaked out by what he said.
I hope you have a good experience but do trust your instincts and back out of anything you are not comfortable with.

be careful.
you've already got the cold pricklies.
that's your survival instinct.

He may be trying to hard because he's insecure and maybe giving gifts is his love language. Have you read the book about the five love languages? If so, you'll know what I mean.

My husband used to drive me mad doing everything round the house before I realised that his love language is gifts of service. I now know that if I want to communicate love to him I have to do something for him. Strange but true.

It may be lovebombing. It may be insecurity. He may think it's expected! Perhaps his ex wife was very demanding in that department. The thing is, the older we are, the more we all have baggage. I think you just have to talk to him, after all the best relationships are built on communication. Like the others said, his reaction or response will tell you a lot.

Be very wary of men showering gifts. My friend married a man like this. Sadly, he ran her life for her and eventually our friendship waned. If we arranged to go out, guess who needed to come along, every, single, time.

His reaction to ask him to slow down will tell you everything

I think it’s lovely that this man has asked you out on a date , and why not if you like him also. Maybe him sending you flowers ect is his style of dating , which is nice , but - as you say much too soon . As you say you known him as an acquaintance for long time I don’t see why you can’t tell him , face to face , that you don’t want all the fuss he’s showing you so early on . If he likes you as much as he’s showing you , then he’ll respect your wishes , you will be able to tell lot in how he responds.. Rather than let this put you off , which is a shame as you like one another, be better to nip it in the bud sooner rather than later , then you can enjoy your dates with him and let nature take its course . Hope all works out well for you as it’s lovely to have someone to care about when we live on our own .

I agree with the others who think it's best to speak to him face to face, rather than telling him in a message that you're feeling uncomfortable with all the attention/gifts. If he's simply out of practice, and trying a bit too hard to impress you, he may feel embarrassed, or offended, by being told he's made you feel uncomfortable. That would be a shame if he's genuinely a nice guy.

If you do want to message him before you go out for the meal, I'd keep it light-hearted, and simply tell him that you're looking forward to going out, but as you're not used to all this dating malarky, you'd like to take things very slowly, and just see where it leads.

You can tell him in person that there's no need for him to shower you with gifts, and messages, that you'd just like to spend time slowly getting to know him. Hopefully, he'll get the message, and he may even be relieved! Who knows, it may develop into a special relationship. Good luck!

After my divorce I hadn’t thought about another relationship, at 60 my expectations were an independant celibate single life, then I was invited out by a man I knew well. If he had pushed too hard or “ lovebombed” me I would have been put off. He didn’t, he let me make the running, next date 2 weeks later I invited him to the theatre just as a friend.
That changed as we held hands on the way home, everything felt good, this is a man I want to get to know better!.

Lots of good advice already offered. You are obviously feeling uncomfortable by his, shall we say, over eagerness? I agree that you should speak to him face to face about it, rather than by text, as texts can be misinterpreted without the facial expressions and body language. You, too, will be in a better position to judge by seeing his reaction.

Another point regarding this first date - I assume you have considered how you are getting there and returning home? I would advise you either drive yourself or book a taxi, but you might already have arranged to do this; and also let someone know where you are going and at what time, if possible. I’m sure everything will be fine, but it’s wise to take these precautions, especially as you feel a little uncomfortable about how strongly he’s coming on.
Good luck.

If you want a relationship, great. If not, tell him you love his company but you're just not in the mood for anything further.

Two of my friends fell into this trap. Carried along on a tide of attention. One ended up marrying the guy selling both houses and now they live in either end totally incompatible,they had known each other for years before getting together.
The other found the Romance wonderful and flattering all went well until they holidayed together and she broke off the relationship after realising she could not stand him 24/7.
Tell him too much too soon, if he is genuine he will understand and just take you out for a meal no strings attached. Go in your own car so you can leave when you want to. Don't go to his house for coffee and see how he plays the next move.

Thank you for all the advice. He’s left me alone for a couple of days so am pleased with that. We live very closeby and in walking distance of the restaurant so he’ll probably call for me and we’ll walk there together. As for coming back, I’m definitely not inviting him in and won’t be drinking so fully in charge of my faculties! Will post an update on Saturday morning ladies.

I’m looking forward to seeing you but all the attention at this early stage is making me feel uncomfortable

Seems fine to me. Though maybe be more specific to avoid any chance he doesn't fully get it as in:

"I'm looking forward to seeing you as always. However it makes me feel overwhelmed and uncomfortable to have changed from our usual pleasant relationship chatting etc to suddenly receiving numerous gifts and planning all sorts of different outings. I would like us to take things slowly and gently and then we can see how things go over time. We know that we like being friends and that has developed gradually. IF there is to be anything else between us that needs to develop gradually too."
Or your own version of that Good luck

Yes, I'd probably agree that telling him in person can avoid any misunderstandings. A gentle tone can reassure him that you like him and he doesn't need to give gifts to get your approval. He might be just very insecure.

Then again, a friend of mine once dated a man who showered her with gifts. It was all Ballet tickets, posh restaurants, ball gowns and fancy chocolates, flowers- you name it. But in the end he just treated her like a possession as well. Some people think money can buy anything... but it's important to talk face to face and work out where he's coming from so you don't nip a potentially good relationship in the bud.

Will tune in on Saturday morning MaggieTulliver and shall think of you tomorrow night. Hope you enjoy the evening!

Yes, have a great time MaggieTulliver