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New man - too much too soon

(97 Posts)
MaggieTulliver Tue 26-Oct-21 17:47:27

I’ve known this chap as an acquaintance for quite a long time, we’re both dog walkers. Recently he’s admitted to plucking up the courage to ask me out and I’ve agreed to go out with him for a meal. I’m 64 and not been in a relationship for aeons and he’s 57 and divorced. We have a lot in common and enjoy eachother’s company. Problem is I’m getting the ick because he’s coming on really strong. I had a delivery of wine, flowers and a card yesterday and he’s already suggested he cooks for me and a film as well as eating out (I declined). He messages me several times a day as well. I think I’m attracted to him but am a bit put off by this full-on behaviour. Is this a red flag?

Hetty58 Thu 04-Nov-21 08:16:47

You need to tell him exactly what you've told us - that his approach is alarming and he really needs to calm down!

MaggieTulliver Mon 08-Nov-21 17:36:27

Sorry to ask your advice again but I do appreciate it! We had an impromptu date on Saturday, lovely with lots of talking and realising we had so much in common. It ended with hand-holding and a kiss but now I’ve heard nothing from him since then. I would have liked just a message since we seemed to have progressed a bit. Do you think I’m over-thinking? It just seems like he’s gone from OTT attention to not quite enough!

MaggieTulliver Mon 08-Nov-21 17:39:55

I feel like it’s a bad sign 🙁

Madgran77 Mon 08-Nov-21 18:09:43

Oh Maggie it isn't necessarily a bad sign. And IF it is then frankly as an adult he should be able to deal with it more directly, and to be open and honest with you.

How about you contacting him? It was only 2 days ago so what about a brief message to him saying something like:

"Hi there. I spent Sunday thinking about the lovely time I had on our impromptu date on Saturday. Such a treat and thankyou for such a nice time. Look forward to seeing you soon. xx"

...or a version of that that suits how you feel about the Saturday date.

At least then he knows where HE stands ...and it might move him to let you know how you stand too. If nothing is forthcoming I would suggest another message after several days saying something like:

"Hi again. Hope you are well. As I haven't heard from you, am I right in thinking that you would like to bring our friendship to a close?"!

Direct at that stage would be best in my view. If you don't hear then leave it. (and you are better off without him!!) If you do get a reply, take it from there.


welbeck Mon 08-Nov-21 18:13:16

well he may have been out with someone else on sunday, so is just weighing up his options.

MaggieTulliver Mon 08-Nov-21 18:15:08

Thank you Madgran, I do prefer the direct approach myself! Just feel a bit disappointed after all the flowers etc (he bought me another bunch). I can’t help thinking that as he gets to know me properly he’s getting cold feet. But says more about him than me, even if this is the case!

Madgran77 Mon 08-Nov-21 18:35:14

But says more about him than me, even if this is the case!

It does! But don't assume the worst...there may be a simple explanation...a very busy Sunday; not feeling well; phone up the spout? Who knows

Calendargirl Mon 08-Nov-21 18:57:13

I can’t help thinking that as he gets to know me properly he’s getting cold feet

Perhaps he is, maybe he doesn’t think you have as much in common as seemed at first, but if that is the case, better to realise now than further down the line.

Sorry if this sounds negative, but does seem a bit strange after his initial full on approach.

Doodledog Mon 08-Nov-21 19:09:55

The poor chap can't do right for doing wrong!

Maybe he's been posting on Grandadsnet asking for advice about a lovely lady he's been out with. First he got the impression that she thought he was a bit too keen, and the posters advised him to cool his jets a bit, so he has. Now he's on there again, saying that he's dying to text her, but doesn't want to put her off. grin

Why don't you text him? Maybe the Grandads are telling him that it's 2021, and if the lady is keen on him she'll drop him a line to say thanks for a great evening, and maybe suggest the next date.

Dinahmo Mon 08-Nov-21 19:21:55

It's only Monday and you saw him two nights ago. Maybe think of something you'd like to see/do and suggest it to him in a day or so.

Madgran77 Mon 08-Nov-21 20:10:56

Tha'ts a good suggestion Dinahmo

grannyactivist Mon 08-Nov-21 20:24:43

MaggieTulliver, my online dating friend (that is my actual RL friend who does online dating) says it’s a good sign that this man is giving you the opportunity to make the next move, apparently a brush-off will have come within two days. (That’s if he’s applying such rules of course.)

Who knew?

I’m far to direct to hang around - I’d be sending a text, but then I know next to nothing about dating! 🤪

Katie59 Tue 09-Nov-21 08:25:03

Maggie, if you didn’t send a message how much you enjoyed the date you should have done, he is waiting for your encouragement.
In my case I invited him to the theatre, for a second date, don’t make him take all the initiative, at this “friends” stage it should be equal.

Luckygirl Tue 09-Nov-21 09:13:41

Oh heavens - this all makes me squirm. I remember all the misunderstandings at the beginning of my relationship with OH about 50 odd years ago. Groan!

Germanshepherdsmum Tue 09-Nov-21 10:19:11

Yes do send him a message Maggie.

Chloejo Tue 09-Nov-21 19:40:22

I’ve had this I wouldn’t be put off too much it’s just that they are older and out of practice and like to show they care. Don’t put him down enjoy the company as you both enjoy being together and wait and see it’s no problem really

Nansnet Wed 10-Nov-21 04:33:00

Put it this way. You've been fretting about him being too full on so early in the relationship, and you took advice from many on here to gently tell him you'd like to slow down ... not sure if you followed that advice? Now, here you are, having had a lovely impromptu date, and two days later you were worrying that he's not contacted you. Put yourself in his shoes. How do you think he may feel, having taken you out, and had a lovely time, but no follow up text from you to say that you enjoyed it? Maybe he's worrying that you've cooled a bit, as you've not message him ... Maybe you've already done so by now, or he's messaged you, but if not, don't just sit around waiting for him to make the next move ... send him a message to say you enjoyed the evening, and would he like to arrange another night out at some point ... Good luck!

Ali08 Thu 11-Nov-21 10:15:31

What's happening? Don't hold us in suspense!
I hope you messaged him to say thanks for a lovely evening. I'm wondering if you've taken the initiative to maybe plan something for this weekend?

MaggieTulliver Thu 11-Nov-21 13:01:27

Hello everyone, thanks for your interest! Yes I did message him and he’s arranged for us to go to a concert and meet for a drink first on Saturday. I know I’m overthinking and should try and go with the flow. Am so rusty at this after so many single years but good to know where I can come for advice 😊

Calendargirl Thu 11-Nov-21 13:27:59

You do realise Maggie that you are not the only ‘rusty’ one. I, and suspect many other who comment, have not been in your position. But we feel free to offer advice and guidance. Of course, if it were us, we also may not find it easy…..


Germanshepherdsmum Thu 11-Nov-21 13:28:03

That’s wonderful news! Hope you have a great time!