MIL asking for alone time

You make a good point Cafeaulait. I was brought up in a village where almost everyone was a relative of some kind and we roamed from house to house.

You’ve made me think why it might be harder for others to “share”?

Plus I actually liked them going off so I could read my book s I could have my alone time?

Peasblossom, I don't think I found it hard to 'share', it was just confusing to have all these people around an no context for them. I figured it would work out though. There were real issues with my MIL though. Children aren't toys to be shared around though. I'm not sure I really like that analogy. The parents get to decide how their family will operate, as was the privilege of the GPs when they had their own children. If GPs form a good relationship with the parents, they will no doubt get to be involved. Of course a relationship and what makes it good goes both ways.

No, it was the wrong word. I do agree with you. We had to call a halt with my MIL over one issue she wouldn’t take on board.

We were the ones who decided what happened when push came to shove. I think we were quite relaxed though about rules and things being different at grandparents houses.

The kids seemed to get it.

I don't think the word share is necessarily inappropriate in the this discussion. Part of the definition is "or to which a number of people contribute".

Extended family members and friends can all contribute to the life experience of a child which is often a good thing.

They are your children. It’s your turn. These grandparents have had theirs.

Do what you feel is in the best interests of your children...always. Never put anyone else first.

Chardy

My relationships with my grandmothers though different were very special. One taught me to knit, the other to use a sewing machine. One I spent 1-2-1 time, the other a parent always had to take me. Guess which one I was closer to.
I just want to offer my DGD something similar.

I’m guessing it was the 1-2-1 you were closer with, but were you older? Is this why you remember it? I was very close to my granny, but have no memory of being on my own with her, before about 7 to 8 years old.

The OP’s children are too young for this. They just want and need mummy. Sometimes daddy.

"They are your children. It's your turn. These grandparents have had theirs". Says it all really.

Smileless2012

"They are your children. It's your turn. These grandparents have had theirs". Says it all really.

Sorry if that offended you. Not sure what you meant by it. It is just my opinion, and people can do what they want of course, but I wouldn’t have been happy with anyone wandering off with my toddlers in a park. I think that says it all about the expectations of the grandparents.

It didn't offend me DiscoDancer it just concerns me that all too often with discussions on this subject the GM, usually the m.i.l. is portrayed as being selfish when sometimes it's the child's mother.

It also annoys me that there are some who seem incapable of having a sensible discussion with the GP concerned, of assessing the GP's and P's expectations so that if necessary, compromises can be made in order to maintain this important relationship.

'Your child, your rules' IMO is confrontational, possessive and often unnecessary.

I understand what you’re saying. I don’t see the MIL as being selfish....just needs reigning in. Shown where the boundaries are. Of course, these boundaries will be different in different families.

It’s a matter of personal choice, but that choice first and foremost, must come from the parents. It’s their child. As grandparents, we are privileged to see our grandchildren. It’s not a right.

I am probably going to get told off for saying this but, demanding alone time, calling herself mummy "by accident", favouring one child over the other and literally running away with your child sounds really creepy.

Her behaviour is of course going to make you uncomfortable and push you away.

It's up to you when you are ready to send the children off to be cared for by someone else.

I really don't know how you can go about explaining that to her though.

What I think you should do is agree some boundaries with your husband. Explain those boundaries kindly to her. Then when she breaks them, and it sounds like she might, be prepared to get up and leave the situation until she gets the message and stops.

OP

Your ILs' expectations are their problem

The parents trump grandparents

Where does you DH stand?

Talks to grabby grandparents rarely work.
I wouldnt initiate this talk unless you and your DH are on the same page with rules and consequences for bad behaviour and it is the dh who talks to his mother, not the dil

Yes Hithere definitely get their son to do the talking. They may blame you anyway but it is the best way to go.

DiscoDancer1975 interesting point. I definitely stayed at Gran's when my sister was born, I was four and a half. I doubt that was my first stay. I remember standing at the front room window in sunshine waiting for commuting Grandad to walk back from train station, I think that was around my 4th birthday. Thank you for making me think about him, as he died just after she was born.

My DGD was staying overnight here and with her other gran before her 1st birthday.

Chardy

DiscoDancer1975 interesting point. I definitely stayed at Gran's when my sister was born, I was four and a half. I doubt that was my first stay. I remember standing at the front room window in sunshine waiting for commuting Grandad to walk back from train station, I think that was around my 4th birthday. Thank you for making me think about him, as he died just after she was born.

My DGD was staying overnight here and with her other gran before her 1st birthday.

Is that a good thing I made you think about him? Apologies if not. My grandad also died when I was 4....apparently. I have no memory of him at all.

If she’s not going to abide by your rules, she can’t have alone time. If you’re uncomfortable with it until they’re older (and even then), she can’t have alone time.

It sounds like you’re doing a good job of trying to find a constructive way forward, but if anyone puts their foot down, it needs to be you. They’re your children, don’t let her take over. She gets the contact and the tasks that you allow.

Seems odd you wont even let her take GC into another ROOM without you- its hardly end of the earth is it? Also seems odd that the grandma should 'accidentally' call herself Mummy instead!?hmm.....

But why the obsession with taking her into another room!

I dont think Grandparents should expect alone time. However I would think myself lucky if a Grandparent took mine for a couple of hours alone, where I could catch up on jobs, have a coffee out somewhere alone and generally enjoy myself.
I agree all this my child my rules is confronational, yes you do need to talk to your MIL if you are unhappy, but ultimately it is your desition.
I have noticed as well this is s thing lately with Grandparents and I dont know why, I will say though some parents, not all, then have this expectation that Gran will do childcare and get annoyed if they say no. This as well after they have previously put boundaries in place.
I notice it is mostly the MIL who gets the blame as well.

It just all seems so rigid and controlled and sort of obsessed with rules and what’s allowed and discussions and negotiations.

Ah well, I had a very different childhood with lots of “alone time” with GPS, aunts and uncles, cousins, Uncle Tom Cobley and all really.

Just personally, I think they each and all added to my well being with their different abilities and take on life.

Parenthood seems such an anxious time now.

I agree Peasblossom, making mountains out of mole hills in some cases I mean what's wrong with wandering into another room with the child FGS.

Your childhood sounds very similar to mine and I have wonderful memories, especially of my maternal GM. Thank goodness my dad never had an issue with our 'alone time'.

What does your H think about this Walktothepark? Is he in agreement because don't forget this is his child too and he might not have the same reservations when it comes to his mum having some time alone with your ie your's and his child.

"I notice it's mostly the M.I.L. who gets the blame as well" they are aren't they rafichagran.

Times do seem to be a changing. Often couples announce 'we're pregnant' but when the child's born it becomes the mother's, where are the dad's in these situations? Why don't posters discuss these issues with the father of their child instead of strangers online?

Yammy

Your child, your rules, you choose when they see grandchildren, they call their grandparents what you want them to. Visits are agreed upon by both sides.
We moved away for the same reason as you, so far arrangements had to be made therefore no unexpected visits.
I had a stifling MIL whom I wanted to love and would have been but for her behaviour which she rued later on in life when she had no husband and needed family.
I was too young to set my own rules at first until one of mine had a nasty accident when she let them do something while I was out of the room I had always banned. They still carry the scars to this day.

Yes, your child, your rules, but IMO that does not extend to dictating what the children call their grandparent, if the grandparent object to it.

To me, that one sentence devalues all the other perfectly valid statements about parents rights over their children.

'*Nobody*' has the right to dictate what another adult should be called, certainly not their own adult children/in-law!

Those adult children have the right to decide how both they and their children are addressed, but not how to address anyone else against that person's will.

Someone's mole hill is someone else's mountain, even Everest

Chewbacca

This seems to be an unusually common problem lately. Wonder why....

Because some people have expectations that aren’t being met.