MIL asking for alone time

Because some people don't talk to the people they should be talking too about their's and the other person's expectations.

Because people aren't mind readers which is why we need to communicate.

Smileless2012

Because some people don't talk to the people they should be talking too about their's and the other person's expectations.

Because people aren't mind readers which is why we need to communicate.

I agree. Completely.

Communication is key.

I always abide by my DIL's rules and was only too glad to let their mummy do the nappy changing unless she was not there . No MIL should make you feel like this .

Its surprises me that some seem to see any problem like this as some sort of huge battle etc etc. Communication is key in relationships and the OP has already said that they plan to do that and asked for advice on ways to do that, express things etc, clearly looking for a positive outcome rather than a battleground!

Summerlove

I keep saying communication is key Madgran. It needs to be kept in perspective, it's not the end of the world if as in this case, GM's expectations exceed what her d.i.l. is comfortable with.

It's only an insurmountable problem if it's made into one.

MamaCaz

Yammy

Your child, your rules, you choose when they see grandchildren, they call their grandparents what you want them to. Visits are agreed upon by both sides.
We moved away for the same reason as you, so far arrangements had to be made therefore no unexpected visits.
I had a stifling MIL whom I wanted to love and would have been but for her behaviour which she rued later on in life when she had no husband and needed family.
I was too young to set my own rules at first until one of mine had a nasty accident when she let them do something while I was out of the room I had always banned. They still carry the scars to this day.

Yes, your child, your rules, but IMO that does not extend to dictating what the children call their grandparent, if the grandparent object to it.

To me, that one sentence devalues all the other perfectly valid statements about parents rights over their children.

'*Nobody*' has the right to dictate what another adult should be called, certainly not their own adult children/in-law!

Those adult children have the right to decide how both they and their children are addressed, but not how to address anyone else against that person's will.

Well, I certainly would not have let my children call either grandmother mummy, or be dictated to as my MIL tried to, she was to be grandma my poor mother nanna a word never used in my family. Her dictate not mine
It depends on the grandparents. My mother got on really well with her MIL and I expected to as well I was in for a rude awakening.
People do have the right to tell their children what to call people I was brought up to call any adult, aunt or uncle out of politeness and respect as in Eastern countries and trained mine to do the same. If they had listened to their father and repeated they would have called MIL an interfering old b......and that was her son. She was doing the dictating by saying my mother was to be called nanna like a dog in Peter Pan.
Nobody can know what situations other people are dealing with, what culture they come from.
Would you have let your children call your MIL or your own mother Mummy? Even if they had asked to be called it.

It sounds like needs have been communicated and ignored which is why there is now a planned sit down discussion.

Yammy

MamaCaz

Yammy

Your child, your rules, you choose when they see grandchildren, they call their grandparents what you want them to. Visits are agreed upon by both sides.
We moved away for the same reason as you, so far arrangements had to be made therefore no unexpected visits.
I had a stifling MIL whom I wanted to love and would have been but for her behaviour which she rued later on in life when she had no husband and needed family.
I was too young to set my own rules at first until one of mine had a nasty accident when she let them do something while I was out of the room I had always banned. They still carry the scars to this day.

Yes, your child, your rules, but IMO that does not extend to dictating what the children call their grandparent, if the grandparent object to it.

To me, that one sentence devalues all the other perfectly valid statements about parents rights over their children.

'*Nobody*' has the right to dictate what another adult should be called, certainly not their own adult children/in-law!

Those adult children have the right to decide how both they and their children are addressed, but not how to address anyone else against that person's will.

Well, I certainly would not have let my children call either grandmother mummy, or be dictated to as my MIL tried to, she was to be grandma my poor mother nanna a word never used in my family. Her dictate not mine
It depends on the grandparents. My mother got on really well with her MIL and I expected to as well I was in for a rude awakening.
People do have the right to tell their children what to call people I was brought up to call any adult, aunt or uncle out of politeness and respect as in Eastern countries and trained mine to do the same. If they had listened to their father and repeated they would have called MIL an interfering old b......and that was her son. She was doing the dictating by saying my mother was to be called nanna like a dog in Peter Pan.
Nobody can know what situations other people are dealing with, what culture they come from.
Would you have let your children call your MIL or your own mother Mummy? Even if they had asked to be called it.

You seem to be missing my point.

At no point do I condone a grandparent deciding that their grandchild should call them 'Mummy' (which, on the face of it, is just plain weird) or anything else that is unacceptable to the parents of the grandchild.
My point is that the name used has to be something that has to be acceptable to both parties.

The word 'compromise' is so important to successful relationships, and where necessary, parents and grandparents both have to compromise and find a term that is acceptable to both!

I shouldn't talk about conflicts as it sounds aggressive. We never had any of this with our DDs. Both had asked us to do childcare when the babies were under a year old and have regularly looked after DGC on our own sometimes overnight though when youngest child was 3. Our family is close and DD1 PiL also close with them though her MiL doesn't always follow instructions but there is no conflict. Family dynamics within our families mean we help them and they help us if we are free.

It sounds like needs have been communicated and ignored which is why there is now a planned sit down discussion

Yes which is a good response to the problem!

I can't see anything in the OP that suggests "needs have been communicated and ignored" but at least now the decision's been made to talk this through.

Smileless it was the reference to MIL disagreeing with aspects of parenting, thought too protective that makes me think perhaps aspects have been raised but ignored. Who knows! As you say at least now proper communication is planned.

Oh yes, I see what you mean Madgran.

When I brought up my DC I had no family nearby. I would have loved to have a mum or mil who could help out with the childcare! OP, I know you're a stay at home mum, but surely you could take advantage of the opportunity and leave your DC with the MIL occasionally? Meet a friend for a coffee, go shopping or to the theatre! Unless you don't trust her with your children for some reason I think you would all benefit from leaving them with her from time to time.

I had alone time with grandparents and uncles and aunts as a child. I loved it. I was very very close to one set of grandparents and my GP role is very similar to that of my beloved granny.

It's win win for everyone in my view. GP's get lovely time with GC. GC get adoration from their GP's. Parents get a bit of breathing time.

It takes a village. This rigid 'my child - butt out' attitude must be suffocating. The cultures where family is more extended are lovely to observe. In Spain, abuelas sit in the town square watching over their GC, nephews, neices, neighbours children. In China, nainais frequently provide all childcare, so mothers can go back to work after having a baby. Every is happy.

DiscoDancer1975

Chardy

DiscoDancer1975 interesting point. I definitely stayed at Gran's when my sister was born, I was four and a half. I doubt that was my first stay. I remember standing at the front room window in sunshine waiting for commuting Grandad to walk back from train station, I think that was around my 4th birthday. Thank you for making me think about him, as he died just after she was born.

My DGD was staying overnight here and with her other gran before her 1st birthday.

Is that a good thing I made you think about him? Apologies if not. My grandad also died when I was 4....apparently. I have no memory of him at all.

Oh yes DiscoDancer that's a good thing. I literally know no-one who met him, much less has memories of him. Both my sisters remember our grandmothers well, so we can reminisce, one sister remembers other grandad, but for him, it's just me!

GagaJo

I had alone time with grandparents and uncles and aunts as a child. I loved it. I was very very close to one set of grandparents and my GP role is very similar to that of my beloved granny.

It's win win for everyone in my view. GP's get lovely time with GC. GC get adoration from their GP's. Parents get a bit of breathing time.

It takes a village. This rigid 'my child - butt out' attitude must be suffocating. The cultures where family is more extended are lovely to observe. In Spain, abuelas sit in the town square watching over their GC, nephews, neices, neighbours children. In China, nainais frequently provide all childcare, so mothers can go back to work after having a baby. Every is happy.

Yes GagaJo I totally agree.

And surely it's in the child's best interest to have a relationship with their extended family members.

It is just one day a week, let her have a bit of fun with her GC and be careful as there may be a day when you need her to look after your children for a while and you may find she is unwilling. What on earth is wrong with your children having a different experience of life with another adult, and one who lives them dearly.

The OP was asking for advice on how to approach a conversation!

OP, I could’ve written this. If you look back on my prior posts, I’ve had similar issues with smothering, aggressive demands for alone time with my very young child. I’ve tried to let go a little, but I’ve also seen the way essential, important parts of our parenting ideologies are different. Our concerns about safety are also very different and cause a lot of stress. I pick my battles. Some things I can overlook, but safety isn’t one of them. My hope is that things will get easier as our children get older and are a little more self sufficient.

For me, it comes down to the way it’s raised. If someone was making a massive fuss about having my child alone, I would have been reluctant too. Whereas if they just behaved normally it wouldn’t have been an issue.

Yes I'd feel deeply uncomfortable with someone requesting alone time with my children. Offering to babysit or take the children for a walk if you are tired is completely different and it's a choice not a request/demand

Hi OP,

I’m not a grandma, but I am a Mum who has had to have similar conversations, so I hope you don’t mind me responding too.

I often find that requests for alone time, when the children are so young, aren’t to meet the child’s needs at all, but to meet the requesters needs; whether that’s to act as primary caregiver, to prove a point, or to make it feel as though they are helping.

Unless there is something seriously dysfunctional within the child’s parental home, when they’re under a certain age, the child (or children) really does just need their parents.

Please forgive me if I’m wrong, but from your post, it sounds as though you’ve had some unsolicited advice (or blatant voice disagreements) which has been the opposite of the way you parent?

If that is what’s happened, you have my sympathy; I’ve had similar and can say it made me feel like I was under utter scrutiny. It also made me feel like they didn’t realise I was a grown up, who was making my own choices, that I made with the best interests of my children at heart - instead, it made me feel like they thought they knew better and they disregarded my place as a parent.

We have been told that we’re not providing the right grandparent experience - but too be blunt, I didn’t have children to enable the various parents’ to have grandparent experiences.

These voiced disagreements and bits of unsolicited and opposite advice make me more reluctant to facilitate alone time because I know our preferences won’t be adhered too - there’s a lack of respect.

I think that comes from the dynamic and relationship change, from being a parent of an AC and feeling like you can advise to being a parent of an AC and respecting their wishes as a parent.

With regards to your questions, I think, firstly, there’s an absolute positive that you want to carve out a good relationship still.

Longer term, those grandparent relationships are important (maybe just not from such a young age and during alone time!)

I think starting the conversation with what you all hope to get out of it, and that nothing said is intended to upset anyone is a good place to start. Being honest about why alone time and someone else doing caregiving tasks, doesn’t work for you is key.

Have the conversation with your DH in advance, and make sure you’re both on the same page about what you are comfortable discussing and what you’re not.

Remember that, as intrusive at they seem, their requests are coming from a loving place, but that also your children and your family unit are your priority - so only agree to things that your family unit are comfortable with.

Best wishes.

If someone was making a massive fuss about having my child alone, I would have been reluctant too. Whereas if they just behaved normally it wouldn’t have been an issue.

I agree with that.

"And surely it's in the child's best interest to have a relationship with their extended family" I think so too Chardy.

Baby sitting and/or going out for walks is alone time isn't it so as has been suggested several times, the OP with her H needs to talk to her m.i.l., find out what her m.i.l.'s expectations are, tell her what she feels comfortable with and work out any compromises that may be needed from both sides.

After all expectations are a strong belief that something will happen or be the case. It isn't a crime to have them and if they're unrealistic and/or not going to happen, then all you have to do is say so.