MIL asking for alone time

A good post oneofthoseDIL , honest , constructive and kindly expressed

We have been told that we’re not providing the right grandparent experience - but too be blunt, I didn’t have children to enable the various parents’ to have grandparent experiences.

These voiced disagreements and bits of unsolicited and opposite advice make me more reluctant to facilitate alone time because I know our preferences won’t be adhered too - there’s a lack of respect.

I agree with the above.

Precisely what is a "GP experience" and to what end?

No there is a difference between offering and giving a choice to the parent and demanding alone time to the extent that the child is being run off with in parks or at home because grandma wants "alone time" regardless of the parents feelings

I do sympathise, my MIL although she didn’t ask for “alone time” has always taken over when we’re both there. And it used to make me feel really inadequate. I used to think I do all this stuff over and over when you’re not here why do you think I can’t do it now?! I have moved more towards alone time to iron this out. My children love hanging out with her, when we’re both there it just becomes an uncomfortable mix of who is doing what? What is my role? Although people say you should talk about it it can be a really difficult thing to articulate. I personally think if you can come round to the idea of them spending one on one time with her you should give it a go. You can control the frequency of that. Even if it’s you popping out when she’s round. Take the opportunity to nip to the shop and get yourself a coffee at the same time. As your children get older they are going to decide how much time they spend with her and that bit will be outside your control to an extent.

That's very interesting Gigi, finding that your m.i.l. having alone time reduced your feelings of anxiety caused by being made to feel inadequate, when you were there too.

I'm glad that worked for you Gigi but a lot of people would feel disrespected.

I think there is an element of nanny and grandad being fun and a little bit of spoiling is fine but some boundaries should remain firm and consistant for children or it just makes parenting harder

Smileless2012

My m.i.l. was very hands on with our boys. She'd ask if she could baby sit and taken them out or have at her home for an hour or two.

If I was OK with that I said yes, if not I declined. She never said it was because she wanted 'alone time' but looking back I guess that was what it was.

It's no big deal IMO and I really don't understand why some are making such a fuss about this. Just say yes, when you're OK with it and no when you're not.

Similar for me and my family. Over night stays were on the cards too, when it suited both sides.

I knew that my children adored their Gran, and at the same time had a different experience when they stayed with her. It didnt cause any conflict.
They behaved with her as she instructed, or wanted them to, and lived by our rules at home.

Of course it goes without saying (yet it's best if I do) that we agreed on the big things.

I'm beginning to wonder if some of theses threads are generated by a computer, as we periodically get very similar ones!

It is a little bit infuriating. Don't people want to compromise for the sake of their families happiness anymore?

Thank you, Madgran77. I appreciate the kind feedback.

Norah, unfortunately I cannot delve deeper into the grandparenting experience, as other than birthing children, organising most of the visits, and other communications, I’m failing to meet expectations.

VioletSky I agree. There is a lot to be said for introducing children to people with different views, and life experiences, and giving them the opportunities to explore those and relationships with people who are different to parents; however, whilst they’re so young, having fairly consistent boundaries, is useful - especially for younger children.

An additional thought is that I do wonder what compromise the in-laws in this scenario can offer? If the grandparents are unfaltering on their want for alone time and to act as caregivers, and that’s their key expectation, how can they compromise on that when a parent doesn’t want it to happen? In that scenario, to meet the Grandparents needs and expectations, the only compromises come from the parents and the children; at the parents and childrens’ expense.

An additional thought is that I do wonder what compromise the in-laws in this scenario can offer? If the grandparents are unfaltering on their want for alone time and to act as caregivers, and that’s their key expectation, how can they compromise on that when a parent doesn’t want it to happen?

In the end Their compromise would have to be to fit with what the parents want and accept it! Accept that alone time isn't on the cards and enjoy what they are able to have! If they can't do that then things will inevitably get worse.

...having a conversation about it is important though

My parents weren't clingy with me or my brother as a child. Neither were my aunt and uncle with my cousins. We all went to stay with GPs. My brother and SIL would send either one or all of the GC over to my Mum's for a break. They loved being at granny's as much I as did as a child.

My daugher is only too pleased to see me take GS out for the day, or do an overnight and always has been once breast feeding was finished. When she WAS breast feeding, sometimes she'd express a bottle so I could have him through a feed time.

This 'no alone time' thing is totally alien to not only my family experience, but to that of my friends too. We all have a lot of involvement with our GC. One of my friends this week has been posting photographs of her & hubby with their 2 GD who they have had all over half term.

I see this in a completely opposite way to the OP and a few others on here. It seems to me that by denying their children this the CHILDREN are not getting the full GP experience. Once which I KNOW from first person experience as a child can be extremely valuable.

My granny died when I was 11. I have so many memories of her, despite that. She loved me unconditionally and that total adoration was wonderful. I know my GS knows that about me too. He basks in it.

I have to say I don't understand it GagaJo, our boys loved spending time with GP's and we loved it too just as I enjoyed that time with mine when I was a child, and the wonderful relationship that the time gave me when I was older with my GM.

If anyone wants to know what compromises GP's are prepared to make in this type of situation they just need to be asked OneOfThoseDIL and it may help if the parents are prepared to make compromises too, but as all of us GP's know it's what the parents of the child want that takes precedence.

Sometimes just giving a little can go a long way.

I am firmly in the 'my child, my rules' camp. Your MIL has no right to complain about anything to do with visiting and seeing your children. The wish for alone time sounds weird to me and I would feel uncomfortable if she took your child off on her own without asking you first. MIL is overstepping the mark and I think it's time for DH to speak to his parents about boundaries and respect. I think your MIL sounds like a nightmare!

I don't think running away in the park with a 3 year old or wandering into another room constitutes taking away someone's child without permission.

She didn't leave the park and doesn't leave the house and how far can you run with a 3 year old?

Exactly Smileless2012. Isn't running around in the park why you take children there?

I think there are other issues here.

Walktothepark it would be good to hear how your conversation all together goes. Hopefully you have/will be able to find a way forward!

GagaJo

My parents weren't clingy with me or my brother as a child. Neither were my aunt and uncle with my cousins. We all went to stay with GPs. My brother and SIL would send either one or all of the GC over to my Mum's for a break. They loved being at granny's as much I as did as a child.

My daugher is only too pleased to see me take GS out for the day, or do an overnight and always has been once breast feeding was finished. When she WAS breast feeding, sometimes she'd express a bottle so I could have him through a feed time.

This 'no alone time' thing is totally alien to not only my family experience, but to that of my friends too. We all have a lot of involvement with our GC. One of my friends this week has been posting photographs of her & hubby with their 2 GD who they have had all over half term.

I see this in a completely opposite way to the OP and a few others on here. It seems to me that by denying their children this the CHILDREN are not getting the full GP experience. Once which I KNOW from first person experience as a child can be extremely valuable.

My granny died when I was 11. I have so many memories of her, despite that. She loved me unconditionally and that total adoration was wonderful. I know my GS knows that about me too. He basks in it.

I don’t think “clingy” is an appropriate word here. I don’t see how a parent’s decisions regarding their own very young children can be clingy.

I’m also confused about how we are denying a “grandparent experience” to our children when they aren’t even old enough to remember it. In the aforementioned case, it seems to be entirely for the benefit of the grandparent. There are big differences between an infant or toddler and an 8 year old spending time with grandma.

I'm in total agreement with GagaJo, and Smileless2012.

I loved spending time with my GPs when I was a little girl, and I think my mum appreciated her occasional 'alone time' too! Just as I did when I had my own children, and my mum, or my MiL would take care of them now and then, either by babysitting when I needed it, or simply by taking them for a walk in their pushchair whilst I did a few chores/needed a rest, or by taking them out for the day when they were older. I never considered that they were trying to take over my role as a parent, they were simply being loving and helpful, and of course they loved spending time alone with their own grandchildren, why wouldn't they ...? It's hardly a crime to love someone, and want to spend time with them, treating them, telling them stories, and making special memories together.

I'm a fairly young grandparent (at least I think so!LOL), so I don't think it's anything to do with the fact that, 'times have changed'. On the contrary, my own DS and DiL are more than happy for either set of GPs to babysit, or have 'alone time' with our GC (sadly, not so much right now due to Covid travel restrictions!). The very first time they visited us when GD1 was a tiny baby, they asked if I could look after her whilst they went out for the afternoon to have lunch, and to do some shopping! Of course, I felt honoured to be asked, albeit a little apprehensive ... it had been while since I'd taken care of such a little one, but the natural instinct was still there!

I think it's quite sad that some parents (although I do think it is a minority) don't seem to want any help from GPs, or simply don't want the GPs to spend time with their GC unless they are present. I do appreciate that there are, and always will be, some GPs who can be difficult, but I really do think that, thankfully, they are in the minority, and most GPs are gracious, loving and helpful, with their ACs and GCs best interests at heart.

Gigi1975 said, "I do sympathise, my MIL although she didn’t ask for “alone time” has always taken over when we’re both there. And it used to make me feel really inadequate. I used to think I do all this stuff over and over when you’re not here why do you think I can’t do it now?! I have moved more towards alone time to iron this out. My children love hanging out with her" ...

Gigi, perhaps you could think of it in a different way ... maybe your MiL appreciates what a great, loving, hard-working mum you are to her GC, and how exhausting being a mum often is. Maybe she simply thinks you would appreciate, and deserve, a bit of 'alone time' yourself, and thought she was being helpful? It's unlikely that most GPs would think that the parents aren't capable ... we've all been there, and we know what hard work being a parent can be!

Nansnet

While we would like to think that all GPs are simply generous people and want to just give the parents a break, the sad reality is that there are GPs who see their GC as sort of "do-over babies". There are actually GPs I've heard of who have admitted that what they'd like is for their AC to split with their partner and move back in with the GPs so the GPs can raise the children. I am not making this up.

GC are not toys that need to be shared. Some parents appreciate having an extra pair of hands to care for their little ones. Some don't. If MIL knows that her behaviour makes her DIL uncomfortable, it's incumbent on her to stop doing it. If she keeps on doing it, that tells me that it's about her wants, not what's really best for the GC.

Mum trumps Granny. Always.

As an example, my MIL would never let Hubby or his siblings be alone with FIL's parents. With good reason - GFIL was physically abusive to all of his children and did even worse to his daughter. The GC were terrified of him because he would go into a blinding rage at not being able to find a pen, for example, or if someone interrupted him while he was watching footie. I'm not exaggerating; this is what Hubby has told me. He was NOT someone who should EVER have been around children - but FIL practically worshipped the ground his dad walked on.

agnurse, with all due respect, I'm sorry you have had such bad experiences with in-laws/GPs, and it certainly sounds that what you and your DHs family have experienced is rather extreme ... an abusive FiL ... 'do-over babies' (whatever that means) ... GPs wanting their AC to split from their partners so they can move back in with them and raise the GC themselves. These are not normal GP/AC/GC relationships.

As I said in my previous post ... 'I do appreciate that there are, and always will be, some GPs who can be difficult, but I really do think that, thankfully, they are in the minority, and most GPs are gracious, loving and helpful, with their ACs and GCs best interests at heart'.

There will always be exceptions, but you can't tar all GPs with the same brush, as the saying goes, just because you've had a bad experience/relationship yourself.

"you can't tar all GP's with the same brush, as the saying goes, just because you've had a bad experience/relationship yourself" I agree Nansnet.

My experience of trying to give the GPs some space with their GC (when they were very young) was that:

1. I let MIL take the children to the park down the road. When lunch was ready I asked DH to go let them know it was ready so they could come back and have lunch. They were nowhere to be seen. MIL believes she gets to do whatever she wants with her GC so had taken them for a walk. I had no idea where my children were. An hour later they returned. The agreement was to take them to the park, not anywhere else.
2. MIL wanted to take the children for a walk. Sure. She took one child on a trike and let them ride way in front of them. These are road with hedges obscuring driveways. No-one will see a child on a bike zooming along the footpath. I saw this as putting them in danger as a car could have backed out and run them over.
3. MIL wanted to take baby to the garden. He had just woken and I was going to nurse him first. MIL wanted to take him now and saw me being in the way. MIL walked over and snatched baby out of my arms and stormed off with him to the garden and refused to give him back.

A MIL who decided that she could do what she wanted because she was gma and no DIL was going to get in her way. Let's just say, MIL never got any concessions after that.

I'm also guilty of not providing the expected gp experience and it earned us an estrangement.

@ QuoteCafeAuLait Oh my thats not a gp experience your MIL is trying to take over! good on you for standing your ground.

The grandparent experience sounds like a theme park ride.

The bottom line is that it is your choice how much time your MIL spends with your children but I do wonder why it matters to you so much that she wants that time with them. I actually love it when someone is invested emotionally with my child as long as it is in a positive way.
Being a grandparent is a learning curve for sure. I was a very relaxed parent (too relaxed so it later caused problems) and struggling to "control" all their relationships would have been too hard for me. I preferred to let things happen at my children's pace and only stepped in when things were likely to negatively impact them.
I definitely think that it would be wonderful if you could compromise on this issue a little by finding some precious time for MIL and child ensuring that when the little one gets older, she gives balanced attention. The more people your child has to engage with, the easier they will navigate life and if you ever have to spend time in hospital, they will feel comfortable with their Grandparents.