What would you think if you received this?

Mother to a toddler here. These are very common guidelines during covid and I think this is a very polite note attempting to manage expectations in advance. Your niece has done an excellent job of communicating their boundaries and safety precautions clearly.

My child was born a few weeks before covid, so we were able to welcome visitors to the hospital. But we did establish a clear boundary that we wouldn’t be welcoming any visitors to our home whatsoever until our son was a week old. My MIL wasn’t happy about it, but I knew that we needed this quiet time to settle in at home, work on breastfeeding and bond with our son in peace. Watching everyone play pass the football with our son at the hospital when I was exhausted, hormonal, trying to recovery, and struggling with breastfeeding was hard enough. We requested grandparents, aunts and uncles to get a flu shot and be up to their date on tdap shots (we were so grateful no one gave us a hard time about vaccines). We also requested no kisses on face or hands because it was rsv season, which was very widespread at the time and is extremely dangerous to newborns. We allowed kisses on the top of the head or body. Again, my MIL wasn’t happy about no kissing, but she mostly complied. If we had known about covid then, I absolutely would’ve required covid vaccines and a negative test to hold our newborn.

You may think this is excessive, but you can’t possibly imagine what it’s like to have a newborn during the pandemic. Our responsibilities as parents are to our children. While I feel guilt and sadness when I disappoint family members, my child’s safety will always come before other family members’ feelings.

Your niece’s child will be born in the dead of winter. At the height of flu, rsv and - now - covid season. Being a family member (even grandma) doesn’t give one a magical power to not transmit illness, nor does it entitle one to make demands and apply guilt on the new parents here. Please recognize that disappointment is understandable and valid, but there is serious narcissism in holding your wants and expectations in higher regard than this new mom’s and her child’s needs.

tickingbird

*Violet Sky*

People don’t have children for what they can do for them. The majority love and cherish their children all their lives.

It’s becoming more and more apparent that there’s a certain type of person with a self centred, selfish attitude that still believes they can have their parents at their beck and call as they did when they were toddlers but they can shun and ignore them when it suits. They tend to cry narcissist and go no contact when said parent refuses to jump through their hoops anymore. I’ve never been on the receiving end of it but I know others who have and I’ve read lots on these threads.

As my late mum used to say. “Everyone gets old you have it all to come”.

I'm no contact with my mother because she is abusive as you should know if you have read what I have said about her.

She didn't listen when I explained how her behaviour was hurting me either and I didn't even need to use words like narcissist to explain that to her.

The idea that she would ever be at my beck and call or jump through hoops for me is quite funny. It was sadly the other way around until I realised love is not transactional.

I too have a good relationship with my children but if they tell me I am not respecting them, crossing boundaries or hurting them I will listen, as they listen to me.

Where does my post say that relationships are supposed to be transactional? I said reciprocal Bibbity.

What does "an adult woman labouring and delivering a baby" have to do with this thread which has asked how we would feel if we received the message the OP's sister has received from her D, who incidentally hasn't had the baby yet.

Where have I said that children owe their parents anything?

What's the point of quoting my post when your response has nothing to do with what I said?

I always think it's such a shame that young parents of today make these so called 'rules' especially with close family, it's a bit over the top and to not see the baby for two weeks, that's a bit much.

GeorgyGirl

I always think it's such a shame that young parents of today make these so called 'rules' especially with close family, it's a bit over the top and to not see the baby for two weeks, that's a bit much.

Why? Everyone has boundaries? Rather then sit and be unhappy with someone behaviour the younger generations are happy to openly communicate. It ensures everyone is comfortable and happy.

Can't believe this thread is still going!

I saw my midwife today. She pretty much set out the rules the niece is talking about. The 2 week thing is to establish breastfeeding and for mum to recover from giving birth in the hospital/covid conditions.
Apparently the breastfeeding rate is at a low and you're twice more likely to get postnatal depression what with everything going on..

Can't think why

yes tickingbird love and respect because they deserved both.

Of course there were times as there are in all relationships when it wasn't easy.

I don't know why some feel the need to say that the relationship/love isn't transactional when I don't recall anyone on this thread saying it is.

As so many have already said, there opinion has been expressed not on the rules per se but on how they were delivered.

The problem I see is that half of this thread is patiently explaining why new mums need these boundaries, why they are setting them and why they are enforcing them and the other half of the thread is showing why these new mums are doing so.

Because they have been taking to their mums, they have heard that if they don't, they won't get the calm, peaceful bonding experience they need, that they have heard from too many other women has been missed out on.

Those first few weeks are so precious. Why should women lose them to a haze of no sleep, too many guests and recoveries that take longer due to looking after said guests.

Smileless2012

Where does my post say that relationships are supposed to be transactional? I said reciprocal Bibbity.

What does "an adult woman labouring and delivering a baby" have to do with this thread which has asked how we would feel if we received the message the OP's sister has received from her D, who incidentally hasn't had the baby yet.

Where have I said that children owe their parents anything?

What's the point of quoting my post when your response has nothing to do with what I said?

The relationship between parents and their AC should be a reciprocal relationship between adults. - You can't reciprocate if you can't handle a no or someone's simple boundary. As this mother can't with her child. She wants to go home. That's it. And her mother can't respect that.

"In other cultures elders are venerated not treated like annoyances that are only good for childcare" and there was a time it was like that here too tickingbird. - Here. Why is this a good set up? Why should elders be held to a higher position? Adult children and their parents are peers. Just appears to me and many that some older people just don't like being held accountable and that they can't hide behind age and demanding respect like their predecessors.

Not sure about venerated but there was certainly respect, appreciation and consideration and it wasn't that long ago because that's how it was between us and our parents because we loved them - and because many tolerated more than they wanted to. Even in the estrangement thread some openly discuss how horrible their in-laws and family were. How cruel they were and how mean. It is wonderful that people are no longer tolerating and allowing such behaviour. Those that behave like that have the option to change. They choose not to. That's fine you can't force someone to be something they're not. But they can then learn to be alone.

"What does "an adult woman labouring and delivering a baby" have to do with this thread which has asked how we would feel if we received the message the OP's sister has received from her D, who incidentally hasn't had the baby yet." - That is the entire point of the whole thread. She would've just left the hospital! She wants to go home! It doesn't matter if she has or handy had the baby yet. Good for her for planning ahead.

"It ensures everyone is comfortable and happy" apparently not.

By painters telling OP to refuse babysitting as punishment for not seeing the baby when the mother needs come first.

That is transactional. Do for me or I will not do for you.

It's disgusting and anyone who has ever tried that doesn't deserve the privilege of being apart of the babies life.

To other mums not their mums but in some cases they are listening to their mums and I kniw what ie I'll be advising my children to do for the first 2 weeks. A facetime would be amazing though

Smileless2012

"It ensures everyone is comfortable and happy" apparently not.

Everyone who matters. The OPs sister doesn't matter. Her feelings. Her wants. Nothing. She doesn't matter.

Sounds reasonable .....I am sure you wouldn't want to be responsible for unwittingly spreading some disease or other ....its not like being banned for life !

Is this thread now about competitive birthing experiences? Who had the worst? The longest? Surely it was a long time ago now for most of us? Why the need to drag that back up?

I do wish you'd actually read the posts you comment on before doing so Bibbity

Where did I say elders should be held in a higher position?

Where has there been any suggestion that the OP's sister has ever been horrible, cruel or mean to her D, the OP's niece? What on earth does that have to do with this thread?

Yes I think you've made it quite clear that the OP's sister doesn't matter Bibbity after all she's the mother and will be a GM and more often than not, they never matter in your responses do they.

I was wondering the same thing Chewbacca an unnecessary introduction to the conversation.

Smileless2012

I do wish you'd actually read the posts you comment on before doing so Bibbity

Where did I say elders should be held in a higher position?

Where has there been any suggestion that the OP's sister has ever been horrible, cruel or mean to her D, the OP's niece? What on earth does that have to do with this thread?

I am reading them. Her and on other threads there is the constant theme of tolllerating one's elders at all costs.

"Not sure about venerated but there was certainly respect, appreciation and consideration and it wasn't that long ago because that's how it was between us and our parents because we loved them" - Regardless of love nobody has to budge on their boundaries. At all. Why should you appreciate someone who wants to put you in a position of discomfort?

The OPs sister was told no.
She then pulled the "but I'm your mum card" she tried to make her daughter move her boundary as she felt she was more important.

Re your post @ 20.45 Bibbity I haven't suggested withholding baby sitting services. I have never suggested there be a 'punishment' for not getting what the mother/GM. I have never said this relationship should be transactional so don't put words into my mouth.

March

Can't believe this thread is still going!

I saw my midwife today. She pretty much set out the rules the niece is talking about. The 2 week thing is to establish breastfeeding and for mum to recover from giving birth in the hospital/covid conditions.
Apparently the breastfeeding rate is at a low and you're twice more likely to get postnatal depression what with everything going on..

Can't think why

So new moms are being given these guidelines by the medical professional and not just making them up to hurt elder generations by disallowing contact before 2 weeks.

As I have said many times in the past, when we know better we do better. Doesn't matter how things used to be done. Each generation learns new way to do thing that are best for the baby.

As for the original topic of receiving this by text instead of over the phone, I still believe that, based on the OP's updates, the mother was not listening to the boundaries of the daughter, which is why the daughter felt it necessary to text. If I had received it from my daughter I would wonder what I had done to make her feel like she could not talk to me. At the same time, I would not be surprised because my kids (Gen Z) HATE talking on the phone.

The rest of the thread is a normal meandering conversation. I would be surprised if it did not happen.

March congratulations on your pregnancy!

There's been nothing on this thread to suggest that elders should be tolerated at all costs or to my knowledge any where on GN.

It's pointless trying to discuss this with you Bibbity because you always have the same agenda; it's always the parent/p.i.l./GP and never the AC, so I'll leave it there.

Smileless2012

Re your post @ 20.45 Bibbity I haven't suggested withholding baby sitting services. I have never suggested there be a 'punishment' for not getting what the mother/GM. I have never said this relationship should be transactional so don't put words into my mouth.

Never said you did. Said it had been mentioned on this thread. Which it has.

Go on. I can't wait for this.

How is the AC wrong here? Because in this case to me it is very black and white. The sister of the OP is wrong. The AC is right.

And no I don't think that is a blanket rule. But I do think that time and time again it is the right judgment on threads like this.

I would have been hurt to receive a message like that from one of my daughters, it’s not their style at all thankfully but if I had received something like that I suppose I would have reluctantly accepted it just to keep the peace. It’s not worth starting a feud and spoiling your whole future relationship with the new grandchild. I understand the need to protect the new mum and baby from Covid and from being bombarded with visitors, but it seems like the new mum in this case is a little too afraid of not having total control. There are better and kinder ways of establishing some ground rules. Often it’s friends who haven’t had a baby themselves who are the worse for overstaying their welcome, they just don’t get how exhausted you are feeling and just want to sit chatting!
I have six grandchildren and we were very lucky to be able to see them all in the first 48 hours but it was by invitation and each of our children had quite different approaches to visitors. My youngest daughter was ringing me to go over to help out from day one. When her youngest son was born his other grandma was covered in the most awful Cold Sores and the midwife said she shouldn't be allowed to visit until they had all dried up, she was most put out, accusing people of treating her like a leper, she’s the sort who would have been kissing the baby too. When you have people like that to deal with its easier to just make one rule for everyone!!

Like I said, read the posts "so I'll leave it there". I'm not playing Bibbity it's an old game with you and TBH it gets more boring every time.