What would you think if you received this?

Madgran You are entitled to your own perceptions.

I'd explain properly if I felt comfortable discussing it with you further.

I've said that I don't think references to posters bad childhoods belong on this thread and that's all that needs to be said rather than forcing me to justify myself.

I am not asking you to justify yourself Violetsky and I don't think I have said anything that suggests that.

We are all entitled to our own perceptions, based on facts in front of us, including exactly what is said in posts.

I'd be absolutely fine with it. Truly.

VioletSky

No the direct one was the other day.

Am over it

It wasn't from me and nothing I have said was directed at you, Violetsky

What I said was a generalisation and related to the rather nasty attacks on grandmothers throughout this unpleasant thread.

I'm out too.

Curlywhirly

MissAdventure

In my little family, having a baby was a family affair.
Not because anyone insisted on it.
Not because anyone took it upon themselves.
Just because we all loved one another and were excited.
Lucky, I know.

Yes, same with us - our son and DDIL were so excited when their baby arrived and they were so proud that they'd given both sets of parents their first grandchild; no way could they have waited 2 weeks to show off their little one. Which just illustrates that this 2 week isolation doesn't suit everybody and I do realise not every family feel and act like mine. MissAdventure we are lucky indeed.

Same here. My DS & DiL wanted both sets of GPs to visit asap after our first GD was born ... we were all able to meet her on the day she arrived. Our second GD was born during lockdown, and whilst my DS was able to work from home, which was wonderful in that they spent so much time together after she was born, both DS and DiL were very upset that they were not able to share their joy with GPs, and missed having the help and support that we were able to offer during those early days.

Some of us are indeed very lucky that our ACs still love to spend time with us, and wouldn't want to exclude us from such important, happy, family experiences.

However, each to their own, and I appreciate that some new parents have different ideas, and that's fine. But, as others have expressed, the way in which the new parents in the OP went about it seemed rather insensitive. Not necessarily for more distant relatives, or a wider circle of friends, but particularly towards the GM. However, we don't know the full circumstances of their relationship, so it's difficult to know why they chose to do it in this way.

I'd just like to point out that the fact some new parents want to have time alone to bond with baby, before having visitors, is not new to today's generation of new parents. I had my babies in the 80s/90s, and welcomed visitors as soon as they were born (even though I had a terrible birth experience and wasn't feeling great, I wouldn't have wanted the new GPs to miss out on something so special). However, my relative who had her baby at the same time, put a notice on her front door kindly requesting no visitors ... but this was at least after both sets of GPs had been allowed to meet their new GC. This was 33 years ago, so it's not some new rule that today's generation of new parents would like to think they've invented.

Well we solved it- the grandparents didn't see their grandchildren for years. We are in Australia, they were in the UK. We are the opposite ,though, and see our grandchildren quite a lot because they all live fairly close by. One of them was a premmie so to visit her we had to scrub up and wear masks and quite right, too. No big deal. I tried looking at mumsnet and thought it was ghastly- can't imagine what a young mum would get out of coming to gransnet but hey ho, we are all different aren't we?

We saw our first GC the day after he was born having been invited to do so.

It wasn't as joyful as it should have been. Our son was beaming; his wife was resentful. We didn't stay very long as the atmosphere made us feel extremely uncomfortable.

Just 8 months later we were estranged. Never saw him again and have never seen his brother. That was 9 years ago. It's been lovely to read about the lovely grand parenting experiences shared on here, but I can't help but feel a little.

They are our only GC so it's something that I think we'll never experience.

Smileless2012

I am surprised that this thread is still going, it only goes to show how many people have different views. Some grandparents are aggrieved others find it acceptable.
Some young parents if they read it would agree others not.
So many people are upset by what it reminds them of.
Has it got onto mums net yet? If it has the young couple who originally wrote it might be deeply upset if they read it and it could have repercussions for years to come.
What was sent as a message to family members has gone viral it will be in the press next.
I wonder what the gran and her sister will feel like.
This is an example of how we should all think twice about what we post and how we answer posts.

I seem to remember that what was sent was copied from elsewhere so the OP's niece wont have been the only one to have sent it Yammy. I think the message is already on mums net.

Thank you tickingbird.

It’s funny, in the early COVID days two of our extended family had babies and I remember thinking that the silver lining was that they could bring them home without being inundated with visitors.
Yet my initial reaction on reading OP was irritation. Having thought about it more, I think it’s a great idea. Having said that, I’d be devastated if my DDs or DS and their equally darling partners included me in such an email but I know they wont need to because I know I will have already said, tell me when you want me around and what you want me to do. So I suppose I would conclude that maybe this hasn’t been said to the couple and they are sending a general note in order not to point fingers and upset anyone in particular. What others are seeing as patronising is probably just an attempt at levity. I think my irritation was probably jealousy that I didn’t have email back in the day and wouldn’t have had the confidence to write even if I did. Also, my husbands first comment on the birth of our first baby, alone in the Middle East was “terrific, I’ll get a few hours in the office and come back later”. I don’t think he ever took a day off. Things have certainly changed for the better and I think it’s wonderful that they will both be there to support each other and both care for their baby.

MissElly

"Having said that, I’d be devastated if my DDs or DS and their equally darling partners included me in such an email but I know they wont need to because I know I will have already said, tell me when you want me around and what you want me to do."

This is key.
Thanks for writing it.

I so agree MissElly I will also be the same.

I'm sure I would be a bit disappointed because cuddling babies is my all time favourite thing to do but I would keep that to myself. What's important is that births don't always go to plan and that recovery and bonding time is so important. I'll wait till wanted or needed and I won't even ask for a cuddle. If I get one, the slightest sign mum wants baby back I will do that and go wash up or something lol

Smileless2012

I seem to remember that what was sent was copied from elsewhere so the OP's niece wont have been the only one to have sent it Yammy. I think the message is already on mums net.

Thank you tickingbird.

Thanks for telling me. I think a lot of grandparents will think twice about posting personal family matters if it is likely that it gets onto Mums net which a lot of our children read, Thank you.

You're welcome.

Smileless2012

We saw our first GC the day after he was born having been invited to do so.

It wasn't as joyful as it should have been. Our son was beaming; his wife was resentful. We didn't stay very long as the atmosphere made us feel extremely uncomfortable.

Just 8 months later we were estranged. Never saw him again and have never seen his brother. That was 9 years ago. It's been lovely to read about the lovely grand parenting experiences shared on here, but I can't help but feel a little.

They are our only GC so it's something that I think we'll never experience.

Oh Smileless2012 that is so sad. Here's hoping that things get better in the future. People do mellow as they get older, and I sincerely hope that your son and DIL have a change of heart in the future. My two grandmas were strict and not at all loving and I do think that children miss out not having contact with loving grandparents, I know I did.

Thank you Curlywhirly. I had a wonderful relationship with my maternal GM, I'm sorry you never had the experience of loving GP's.

Bit late to the discussion, but to answer the initial question, if I received that I’d be inclined to think “I wonder who’s been overstepping the mark”. I think the content is common sense, but I’d assume someone in the persons inner circle wasn’t being sensible with their expectations to have to have that type of email sent - so the couple have done a blanket email to set expectations with everyone.

I am frankly amazed that, given the age span in many decades across Gransnet members, that nobody appears prepared to admit they were smacked by their parents (not talking about seriously abusive beatings here) or that they smacked their own children! Myself and my husband are in our 50s and were both smacked by our parents - whilst it didn't do any real harm it most certainly did not do either of us any good and, in the 21st century, I would categorise this as abuse. A grown adult smacking a small child is never right - however our parents (and many on here I suspect, even though you won't admit it) came from that generation where it was considered okay.

Saetana

I am frankly amazed that, given the age span in many decades across Gransnet members, that nobody appears prepared to admit they were smacked by their parents (not talking about seriously abusive beatings here) or that they smacked their own children! Myself and my husband are in our 50s and were both smacked by our parents - whilst it didn't do any real harm it most certainly did not do either of us any good and, in the 21st century, I would categorise this as abuse. A grown adult smacking a small child is never right - however our parents (and many on here I suspect, even though you won't admit it) came from that generation where it was considered okay.

Of course. I was smacked. Not beaten, or assaulted, just smacked. Usually once across the back of my leg.

My children were born in the eighties, and it was frowned upon...certainly where I came from....if you didn’t smack.

They quickly learnt, so that mostly, the ‘ death stare’ as they describe it, was all that was needed.

I am frankly amazed that, given the age span in many decades across Gransnet members, that nobody appears prepared to admit they were smacked by their parents (not talking about seriously abusive beatings here) or that they smacked their own children!

I was never smacked and was amazed to learn that some of my friends' parents hit them.
I only smacked one of my children once which I shouldn't have done and apologised when she was grown up.
She has said herself that she could have tried the patience of a saint.

Ah yes DiscoDancer 'the death stare' still works with DS when we face time even though he's on the other side of the world in Aus..

I'm sure I was smacked but TBH I can't remember so can't be certain. As you say DD if I was, I was smacked "not beaten or assaulted".

I was smacked and did smack my children, usually just a swipe at a well uphosterered bottom. Enough to bring them up short, but not inflict any real pain.

Of course I wouldn't do it now. Times have changed. We are the products of our own chronological time.

I often wonder what we do to children today, which is considered best practice and best for the child that people in 75 years time will recoil from in horror at the thought of treating children in that way.

2old4this, it is certainly explicit ! She seems to have an orderly mind. However there is nothing in either content or style to be offended about.

Smileless2012

Ah yes DiscoDancer 'the death stare' still works with DS when we face time even though he's on the other side of the world in Aus..

I'm sure I was smacked but TBH I can't remember so can't be certain. As you say DD if I was, I was smacked "not beaten or assaulted".

?