What would you think if you received this?

'^the death stare^'

I think now it is known as The Paddington Bear Stare!

when i was at school, another girl told me that her mother never smacked her, which was remarkable at that time.
then she told me that her mother dragged her into the drawing room and sat on her.
which i thought at the time sounded odd. still does.
her mother was a very hyacinth bucket type, and may have considered this a superior form of discipline.
they were never close. her mother favoured the girl's brother as heir, and younger sister, as baby.

In response to the disappeared OP, I’d feel sad if one of my adult children communicated with me in this way. I’d wonder what had gone wrong in our relationship that h/she couldn’t discuss their wishes with me. In these covid times, every family I know has had endless discussions about safety, especially the pregnant or those with new babies

This thread has some confrontational, angry comments between posters. I was born in the 1940’s, never smacked. My children were born in the 70’s and 80’s. One of them was smacked on the leg, on one occasion. None of my family or friends smacked their children.
Some of the anti gran posters on here seem extremely angry, with significant unresolved ‘issues’ involving their mothers

Calistemon I have found the 'The Paddington Stare' useful in many situations.

I find some of these posts quite sad. I would have been mortified, and very miffed, if I had received a round Robin mail like that from my daughter.

I wouldn’t have minded her rules, but I would expect her to have the consideration to discuss it with me properly.

She and SIL produced 4 children, between 1996 and 2004, and they both happily involved me every step of the way. I didn’t push anything, but they used to bring me copies of the scans, and as soon as the babies were born, they phoned me, and asked me how soon I could get to the hospital to visit. I didn’t go up there for the birth - no reason to! That was the place for my SIL, not me.

The same applied when they got home - they wanted immediate family involvement. I suppose it depends on the type of relationship you have prior to the pregnancy, and everyone using common sense.

I knew I was “Nan” and not a parent, and I would never have undermined them. But I was very involved when the GC were growing up, and I have a great relationship with them all now.

Even though they are young adults now, they pop in here x times a week for a chat and a laugh with us. Some of these posts make me see I was very lucky, and get on so well with DD and SIL. - we all saw the birth of the babies as a happy and joyful time. No written rules, no dramas, no angst.

Happy days.

What a lovely post DiamondLily, my sentiments exactly. If only everyone's experiences could be the same, but sadly we know that's not the case.

Yes it is, because, at the end of the day, it’s best for children to be surrounded and loved by as many people as possible.

I honestly don’t know why these power struggles happen - everyone has a role, but the parents have the prime role, and grandparents should respect that.

But, SOME new parents do need to get over themselves a bit - they are not the first people to have babies, and it doesn’t really need all the dramas.?

Everyone has their dust ups, within families, that’s normal, but there’s not much, in a well functioning family, that can’t be sorted out with an honest conversation. Sulking and festering helps no one.

Life isn’t always easy though.

Wise words Diamond Lily and my sentiments entirely. I have sons and wouldn’t dream of forcing myself into the hospital or their home after the birth of a gc. I know they would have been on the phone and pretty annoyed with me if I had stayed away for two weeks. They and my DILs wanted me to see their new babies and I saw them all within 24 hrs.

Different times with COVID I know but for a parent to receive a round robin email which it transpires, is a copy and paste job, is not only rude but cold and dismissive.

Totally agree Diamond you have a lovely relationship ship with the Grandchildren.

Good post DiamondLilly ?

Apologies if I’ve misunderstood you DiamondLily, but it sounds like you’re saying you need to be involved from the very start, in order to have closeness for the rest of time. By that token...I would think at least 50% of families stand no chance at all...simply because of distance.

I know loads of people who have great relationships with their children/ grandchildren, as do we. They weren’t all over each other the minute the baby was born. I was lucky enough to be at the birth of my one of my daughter’s first child, then we went home. 300 miles at the time.

You say they are not the first people to have babies. No. They are the first people to have their first baby though. They need to be respected for that.

As I said pages ago...it sounds like conversations have been attempted at, and failed. The young couple have chosen this ‘ list’, as a last resort.

I wish them all the best.

Ps DiamondLily you sound like the MIL I would have loved. Not all of us are that fortunate.

but it sounds like you’re saying you need to be involved from the very start, in order to have closeness for the rest of time

I didn't read it like that. What I think is great though DD is that you have expressed that view in a reasoned way, avoiding a confrontational style that causes arguments whilst questioning a viewpoint! That is not meant to sound patronising, its a genuine compliment. It would be great if all posters could manage what you have, wouldnt it.

And I agree, Diamondlily sounds like a great MIL!!

It would be great Madgran but that's GN for you.

DiscoDancer1975

Apologies if I’ve misunderstood you DiamondLily, but it sounds like you’re saying you need to be involved from the very start, in order to have closeness for the rest of time. By that token...I would think at least 50% of families stand no chance at all...simply because of distance.

I know loads of people who have great relationships with their children/ grandchildren, as do we. They weren’t all over each other the minute the baby was born. I was lucky enough to be at the birth of my one of my daughter’s first child, then we went home. 300 miles at the time.

You say they are not the first people to have babies. No. They are the first people to have their first baby though. They need to be respected for that.

As I said pages ago...it sounds like conversations have been attempted at, and failed. The young couple have chosen this ‘ list’, as a last resort.

I wish them all the best.

No, I didn’t mean that. I did live near them, at the time, so it was more about that it was simple.

Distance isn’t necessarily the issue, my son lives in America, so we have a different sort of relationship with his adopted son - still close by messenger etc, but distance makes everything else more difficult.

Everyone is different, I just think it’s a shame when there is all this confrontation and drama about an event that should make everyone happy.

Guess that we all talk from personal experience, and, of course, I wish very family happiness, however they do it.

A daughter saying this to her mum, the world's gone mad.

I don't think there is anything wrong with it. It would have been better if the daughter had spoke to her mom personally by phone or in her company.

I don't know if she feels able too as I don't know the relationship.

There is nothing wrong with what she is saying. Parents today are very clear and confidence in how they want things.

More than perhaps we were able to be. Yes I'm a granna to 3 with 1 on the way. There baby. There rules

I joined Gransnet a bit ago, after reading for a long time, but this is my first comment.

How would I feel if my adult daughter sent me this?

Proud.

She stated what she needed in clear terms, sent to everyone so there would be no accusations of favouritism, everyone got the same message in the same wording.

From reading through all the messages, it's clear that the grandmother to be doesn't take hearing 'no' well. That she asked for them to stop by on the way home from the hospital is completely unreasonable, imo. Topped off by, 'but I'm your mother!' It's clear that the daughter did indeed attempt to talk to her mother about things, but didn't get anywhere, hence the text.

I'd be proud that my daughter listened when I talked about 'wants vs needs'.

New mom and baby have needs.

Mom needs to recover, physically and emotionally. Needs to establish breastfeeding (if applicable). Mom needs sleep, food, and to take care of new baby and herself.

Baby needs to eat, sleep, grow and thrive.

Dad needs to sleep, support Mom and take care of baby.

Both parents need to protect baby in a pandemic, was well as cold, flu and RSV season.

Nobody else has any needs when it comes to a baby.

Grandparents/extended family and friends have wants.

If needs aren't met, there is a serious risk of Mom and/or baby being admitted to the hospital.

No Grandparent/extended family or friend is at risk of being admitted to the hospital b/c they had to wait a couple of weeks to see the new baby. There is literally no health issue involved due to being denied a visit with a newborn.

Those that are talking about how they did what they did when their babies were young, none of the grandparents had babies during a pandemic.

Being a grandparent doesn't give anyone a magical ability to not pass along the Corona virus, flu, cold or RSV.

There is no visit worth a newborn baby dying for.

Madgran77

*but it sounds like you’re saying you need to be involved from the very start, in order to have closeness for the rest of time*

I didn't read it like that. What I think is great though DD is that you have expressed that view in a reasoned way, avoiding a confrontational style that causes arguments whilst questioning a viewpoint! That is not meant to sound patronising, its a genuine compliment. It would be great if all posters could manage what you have, wouldnt it.

And I agree, Diamondlily sounds like a great MIL!!

Thank you Madgran77. Very appreciated.

We should be able to question or disagree shouldn’t we? If we all thought exactly the same...GN would be a very boring place.

MercuryQueen I think you are the first person to say proud and it's exactly the right word

I don't think it's clear that the mother had been spoken to before the text, unless someone has been listening in on their conversations.

Why the black heart ?

Because black is slimming

Mercury queen

Amazing post.

MissAdventure

I don't think it's clear that the mother had been spoken to before the text, unless someone has been listening in on their conversations.

My sister spoke to daughter inviting them to stop off on the way back from hospital so that she could meet baby, she was told firmly no, they would not call in, despite my sisters house being en route home. Even if they just stopped the car so that my sister could have a peek. No. She then received this message, and sister phoned daughter again to say 'but I'm your mum......"

Isn’t that, from the second post, clear that they spoke before the message was shared?