Nasty and unfeeling Son

It’s a mistake to expect adult children to have the same value system, feelings, behaviours etc as their parents. Monica hit the nail on the head in her post IMO. My mother always used to say expect little and you won’t be disappointed. I’m sure there are many positives in your son that you could be focusing on rather than negatives.

I agree that it's a mistake to expect them to have the same values and feelings. I have learned this the hard way. Our daughter is very different from us and I've found that quite hard but she's a person in her own right. I now accept that we are not in agreement on many things.

We don’t all feel the same about funerals, I do not attend them but am not nasty or unfeeling.

There must be many people that feel the same as shown in the booming business of direct cremations where no one attends.

It is good that he is going to the funeral. However, many people find the gatherings afterwards more difficult. It could be that he is very upset at the death and just can't face talking to other people about it etc. You cannot know his feelings and reasons.

Accept the choices he has made and don't try to make him feel bad about it.

Some people just can't handle strong emotion and shut down. They disassociate from it and can say some very unfeeling things because of it. It does not mean they are bad people, just don't have the coping mechanisms they need in place.

Your family has experienced a lot of loss and trauma.

I understand this is painful for you but I think you should try not to take it personally when there is a chance this isn't deliberate.

Unless it is family or very close friends we wouldn't go to the wake after the funeral, specially not at the moment

M0nica I used the search box to see whether over60plus was new to Gransnet, and various things her son has done, so you are right, there is already bad feeling between them.

We don't know what his feelings are at the death of his cousin, and neither does the OP. He may be very upset but not showing it, or he may have drifted so far from him since his childhood that he doesn't feel he wishes to spend time at the wake as well as at the actual funeral.It is, after all, about 50 years since they were close and their lives may have changed a great deal.

Crying all night over his decision does seem to me to be extreme - and perhaps predicting that his mother will be in a highly emotional state at and after the funeral has contributed to that decision to shorten his exposure to it.

One blessing for me when my DH died a year ago was that covid restrictions meant we could only have 20 people there. In fact there were fewer than that.
I would have hated the formalities of a hotel style wake and as it was DS was very uncomfortable when a cousin tried to make small talk with him. It just wasn't appropriate.
Only closest family came back to ours for an Indian takeaway and drinks. This was just right for our family.

So I do accept that some of us don't enjoy funerals.
Sorry you have had such a rough time recently

at least he has decided he will go because it is expected of him. my brother didn't attend our mother's funeral. its not your issue, its his. you should just ignore his behaviour and say nothing to the other relatives. No tears, those are tears really for your nephew. its always sad when people leave this world, whether they are 18 or 80. focus on your nephews family. thats the right thing to do and ignore your son. he is, what he is.

trisher

I don't know where this idea that the only people who have feelings are those who cry and emote all over the place came from. Your son may or may not have feelings about his cousin. He's said he would go to the funeral. Perhaps the reason he doesn't want to go to the after-funeral event is because he doesn't want to see you all weeping. Some choose to mourn privately.
Then again he may be of the opinion that you shouldn't be mourning you should be remembering his cousin and the happy times. There is more than one way to look at death.

I agree trisher
Furthermore, at 52 years old he may not feel too upset ( or at all) by his cousin’s recent death, unless they were close for all their lives.
At least he says he will attend the actual funeral service.
At his age it’s his decision.

I don't kn ow where that idea came from, either. I think it started around the time that Diana died and people who had never met her were devastated, but it wasn't necessarily connected to that.

I think a lot of people avoid wakes. It doesn't make them bad people

Quite agree with you JaneJudge, it's so judgemental to refer to people who don't react to situations, in the way that we personally might not, as bad people. Surely any adult knows that every one copes/deals with death and funerals in completely different ways. There is no right or wrong way to show grief; even outwardly not showing it at all.

I think a lot of people avoid wakes. It doesn't make them bad people

I agree

Madgran77

*I think a lot of people avoid wakes. It doesn't make them bad people*

I agree

Exactly Madgran77. The son is attending the funeral, that is all that is needed.