DDIL doesn't use the clothes I buy for DGD

My granddaughter was born at the start of lockdown, all she really wore during the first year was babygros. She didn’t go out anywhere to where pretty clothes, then at age 1 she started nursery and they said put them in leggings and tops that wouldn’t matter if they got dirty with paint, food or mud and easy to play in. My daughter said it’s heartbreaking to see all the beautiful clothes hardly or never worn. She had 6 coats age 6-12 months never worn. I am now far more careful in what I buy and always ask what she needs apart from an occasional special outfit.

When I see an outfit I like I take a photo of it then I get a text back saying whether its suitable or not. I think that is a good compromise.

I dont understand the compromise - I think it is the right thing to do -whether the parents like it or not

Why do parents have to take others' feelings into account - re: how their baby is dressed?
That is a very entitled attitude

Parents like the outfit or not

GrannyBL

Actually DDIL was intentional and in my case stands for Dear. She is dear to me. We have a good relationship. I have no difficulties with her at all. She seems to like me and most times, when they are leaving our house, she says, "bye, love you". So, like I said, I don't really understand why the baby doesn't wear the things I buy, but I am not wasting any more $$.

Haven't read the rest of the thread, i just wanted to jump in here because it's clear from this comment that you care for your, as you say, DDIL.

It's a tricky transitional period right now, hormones abound, please please don't let a silly thing like clothes ruin it. If she's a brand new mum she's maybe directed you to brands and styles she thought she'd like but that aren't very practical. Or perhaps she's had a washing mishap and is afraid to tell you. She's there, visiting you with baby, sending you pictures, you are so loved in this picture. It sounds like she values you enough that if you just said, i don't know: "how did you get on with x piece of clothing, i didn't see it on much, did it not work out?" without any kind of tone or bitterness, just kindly like, she may tell you and then you can put it to rest in your mind, if you must.

It really depends on the mum herself - I loved choosing & buying my daughter's clothes from her being born. Your DIL might be like me ? she might not like you buying clothes for her child, albeit your kindness comes from a good place. You could try a different tack & say if there's anything you need just ask, I don't want to be overbearing x

I'd only buy toys or books if the clothes were just hanging in the wardrobe unworn.

Do you live with, and therefore see your grandchild 24/7?
If not, how do you know these things are not being worn?
Also, why not buy for later on rather than now, as babies get so many clothes given to them?!
Or open a bank account for her where you can deposit money for her future! That way, she can have money to spend when she's old enough or money for education or a deposit!

Stephanie48

Are you helping out your DIL, GrannyBL - in practical ways? Offering to look after the baby at her house for an hour, whilst she has a rest? Or offering to get shopping for her? She’s probably exhausted, with a new baby. On the other hand, she may be coping well, and prefer to be getting on with it on her own, with her husband, your son.

I help out when I can and when my help is wanted. I prepped freezer meals, I offer to help with laundry, I offer to rock baby to sleep and hold her so mom can get stuff done or take a nap. I ask what's needed and do it. So yes, I have helped in practical ways.

kissngate

Gave up buying for my gc. Found many items still with tags put aside for charity shop at DDs house ( not just from me but from other relatives). When I mentioned it she just said they got put away and now too small. Don't fall out with her just don't buy anything else.

Thank you for your response. That's exactly what I was asking. Am I wrong to just stop buying? If items I buy are not being used, it's a total waste of money. I don't want to waste any more $$.

Treelover

its weird isn't it...I was pleased when my mum or MIL bought or made clothes for my children..clothes weren't so cheap then. But now? I have three granddaughters and have sadly been discouraged as DIL did not appreciate the clothes I bought them. Never thanked me, rarely saw them in them. So you kind of take the hint. DIL seems to prefer clashing bright cartoon sparkly clothes...and I'm a bit John Lewis. Flattering stylish beautiful fabrics..I'd have loved to have dressed mine in them..but I was broke then. Now I'm not broke...like most things in life you just have to suck it. And tread very carefully.

I was always so pleased with the loads of clothing my DMIL would buy my kids. Tried my best to use every little stitch of clothing. After all, she spent her hard earned money, and invested precious time picking out special things for my kids. I wanted her to feel valued and appreciated because she truly was.

My GC was short of trousers (jogging bottoms type)) so I offered to buy some and asked which shops. Bought a selection and left the receipt. You can guess the rest.

My mum bought loads of clothes for my DD when she was young. Beautiful dresses cardigans etc. which I was very grateful for as we were poor at that time due to OHs business collapsing.
MIL bought an Oilliy coat that DD loved although I wasn't keen as it was a loud patterned fabric.
My DIL never used any of the clothes we bought for DGS so we stopped buying and have never bought anything for DGD1.
DD is very fussy about DGS2s clothes so we just buy School clothes, school shoes, underwear socks tights that sort of thing to help out. Xmas we bought them all a towelling bath robe as they all go swimming twice a week.
Next vouchers are a good idea OP as lots of mums shop there for children

I am wondering if all these daughters and daughter in laws are extremely well off. As a young mother a million years ago money was tight and I was grateful for any gift of clothing, If something wasn't particularly to my taste it would be worn for everyday around the house but it would be worn. Now I buy clothing for my great grandsons (both aged 4) the clothing usually stays at my house and swaps over for their clothes when they visit here and get dirty. My grandson and his partner never ever not use the clothes I buy as they do not have alot of money and keeping up with two growing boys is not easy. And what is this "keeping up with fashion" about, for heavens sake they are babies and small children clothes should be for keeping them warm/cool and comfortable not for a fashion parade.

I don't think it is a matter of purchasing power with families now
There are so many sources of cheap baby clothes these days - outlets, thrift stores, etc

My community holds consignments sales twice a year and $30 gets you enough clothes for 3 kids for 6 months

Plus clothes my friends gave me... way too many clothes

Unless you see the grand-daughter 24/7, you cannot be sure that the clothes are not being worn. If you do see them as near 24 /7 as does not matgter, you are intruding in ntheir private space. Anyway, a child under 1 does not need many pretty / expensive outfits, so why are yoiu getting her so many? In any case, maybe she feels free not to use the clothes you buy, but contrained to grin and bear it when it comnes to gifts from others... they might be asking for photos (i.e. evidence) that their clothes are nbeing used.

Recently I went to an Asian ceremony for prayers for a new baby , I told my friend I was going & said I was buying the baby clothes, although for about 1 & half years old , she told me not to, as she was at her friend's when her daughter phoned, she said she had drawers full of clothes ! My friend bought a baby gro which she took back & bought a book & I was grateful for her advice ... I bought a couple of books & a cuddly toy ... my neighbour thanked me. I mentioned about the I was going to buy clothes she said everyone buys clothes , so the baby books & cuddly toy she appreciated, so an idea in future perhaps

Well that’s good that you have decided not to buy any more clothes.
Why is it upsetting to you? Perhaps try to relax into your role as a Grandmother, be there when needed / included…. Try not to be to/so pushy.

What a shame. It is always nice to give. How about opening a savings account for the child and putting what you would have spent on clothes in there?

I suspect the poor dil has just forgotten who brought what and in a rush to get the baby dressed picks up the first outfit to hand.
My mom says to me x hasn’t worn y I brought for him/ her. They have worn it, sicked up on it two mins later so it’s in the wash. Then in a rush to get the little one dressed again I grab what’s to hand before the baby has decided to shuffle across the floor to bite the cats tail or hide under the sofa.
Some items I save for ‘best’, but a day to wear them hadn’t presented itself. Or I dress them last minute, sick happens and we end up in the next best thing to hand. I had very sucky children.
Clothes brought on a shopping trip together will always be worn and always appreciated.
As gc gets older you’ll see those clothes you buy more and more. Why not buy vests in the next size up - white ones, or socks, onesies in packs from the supermarket in colours you know dil favours. Don’t stop helping. I’m sure she’s not being ungrateful. There’s probably all sorts of reasons why you’ve not seen the outfits you’ve brought. Try to ease up about it.

It isn’t about the clothes themselves then but it’s a power battle whereby your daughter in law ( however subconsciously) doesn’t want you to have any control/ input over what her child wears. This has happened to me with my daughter in law too. I asked if I could buy his first shoes and made the mistake of saying it would mean a lot to me! We all went to choose them, I merely paid and glowed with pleasure whilst his feet were being measured but he wore them once!! She said they didn’t fit properly- when I explained that Clark’s would change them it that were the case as they guarantee a correct fit she just said it was too late as she’d bought him some more! I’ve now retired from
The clothes buying arena and I console myself with all the money I’m saving! They will understand when they’re grannies themselves and their lovingly chosen gifts are rejected! Please don’t waste anymore money.

I would just ask her first if there is something that your GC needs instead of buying and giving. Equally, if you buy of your own accord without asking, and give it as a gift, you shouldn’t have any expectations
My MIL gives me clothes for my son in the size he is in without asking me. If she asked I would always say please get a dose or two bigger, he has so much in his current size that I don’t see the point in using brand new clothes he’ll be out of in a couple weeks … she’s different though she won’t ask me or tell me and then gives out when I don’t use them. But as far as I see it, that’s her problem.

Kate22

Thank you for understanding. Most replies have made me out to be controlling, smothering, etc. I just love my one and only grandchild and take such joy in picking out special things for her. It does hurt your feelings to feel your gifts are rejected/not appreciated. Lesson learned. Watching my savings account grow with the money that had been budgeted as grandbaby spending. Maybe I will treat myself and DH to a special trio.

Why does it have to be all or nothing?

Shoes and clothes are just things. Spend your time and money creating memories... days out, soft play, picnics in the park are all coming... and your grandchild will remember those not shoes and dresses

GrannyBL, you still sound quite bristly about it to be honest. It is hard not to be offended, I do appreciate that. I had a SIL do the same thing to me some years ago and it was very irksome: What was wrong with the things i gave, nothing, is she being a snob? She must dislike me consciously or unconsciously etc etc. But the truth is you have absolutely no idea what's going on behind closed doors, and to think the worst of your DILs character like this is quite childish. I'm sorry, this is what i came to realise for myself and i urge you to have the same revelation. The first year of a new gc is always hard; don't burn your bridges by letting this huff come through in the tone of your interactions with them.