AIBU

Chestnut

Assuming that you have a very good reason for not having him there is nothing else to be done. You have explained that you can't do it and presumably why, so the outcome cannot be changed. The ball is in their court to find someone else, but this could cause a permanent rift if they take offence. You need a watertight and fully justifiable reason for not having him, and if possible should have him if you want to maintain good relations with your family.

This is a very good answer.

I would only back out for health problems. They will have been looking forward to the trip.
There could be a good reason not to take the two year old, we do not know.

icanhandthemback,
Thank you for your reply. This is the only time I have been asked and I have changed my mind about babysitting.
Perhaps I was wrong to say yes in the first instance but I did give them plenty of notice so they could rearrange.
My son thinks it is my duty to do everything he asks of me regarding my GC and dosen't seem to think I have a life of my own to and because I don't work anymore I can drop everthing when he wants something doing regarding my GC.
When I have my GC with me they become my responsibility, when I hand them back they become their parent's. My son dosen't see this, I don't know why.
If I am asked to do anything and I can't I am the world's worst mother and if I can do it then I am the best mother in the world. This is what it is like. My son has said some terrible things to me and this is what I can't forgive.
I welcome your advice and will act on it in the future.

You obviously have personal reason as to why you couldn't go with them and that is your business.

Why did they have two children is DIL cannot cope with them? Maybe there's also some underlying issue which occurred after the second child was born - again that's their business.

In response to your post, don't feel pressured to have the 2 year old, you've made your decision and your son should respect that. It's a day at the seaside for heavens sake, not a world tour! Tell the DIL to stay home with both children.

Edge26

A few weeks ago I was asked by my Son and DIL if I would look after my 2yr GS so my son could take a trip to the seaside for a event he was attending and DIL would take other 5yr GS with them so she could take him on beach fair etc. The reason they wanted me to look after younger GS was because she could'nt cope with looking after both of them on her own. Because of long ongoing issues with my son they knew I would not go to seaside with them so I agreed to have GS with me. Fast forward a few weeks later I told my Son I had changed my mind and wouldn't be having my GS on that day, I can't explain why as it is to painful but what I will say is my son is very abusive to me when he can't get his own way. I have given them ample time to ask members of DIL family to help out and thought they had sorted it. Now the time is nearly here and apparently they have been let down and have asked me again. I've said no and now am being made to feel guilty as Dil has said she will have to stop at home. I'm pretty sure they can get someone else to do it for them or even take someone else with them. Thoughs and advice please.

I think that you are being ridiculous. Both in tolerating your son being abusive to you ever and in not wanting to help out and have your grandson on this rare occasion. Life is about family. Stop this, whatever it is that you are playing at.

It’s just one day. I would do it to help the situation but then you need a family chat about it. I would be honoured to feel trusted with grandchildren

You didn't want to explain your reasons to us, which I respect as you don't know us. But did you explain to your grandchild's parents? If not, they probably think you're just being unreliable. I think if it's at all possible you should try to stick to your original promise, otherwise you might possibly find they're not reliable for you when you need their help.

Cut all ties then you can be neither abused nor blackmailed

The people most likely to suffer from the fall out from all of this is your Grandchildren. Get some counselling for help in managing your relationship with your son.
As said before, if you have initially agree to look after your 2 year old GS, unless you have a really good reason (ill health?) then you should not keep changing your mind.
Be strong and enjoy your time with your GS - they soon grow up and are doing their own thing! Make the most of your time with him.

Feel for you and not defending them other than to say if she wants to take the 5 year old to the fair that would be difficult with a 2 year old as they can't go on most rides

You are the childrens grandparent not their parent. your son and his wife chose to have these children so their responsibility not yours. Live your life, be a postal granny and free yourself of a toxic situation.

I would say it’s the children you need to think of. And don’t let people down

She has said her son is abusive, so why should she help out in those circumstances

What a nightmare Edge I’ve read all your posts from previous times as well, being abused and blackmailed, your son sounds horrendous, obviously only hearing your side of things, but can honestly say if I couldn’t sort this out by communication then, I would be walking away. But I personally wouldn’t have said I’d be looking after GS then change my mind unless of illness etc, as I feel you are escalating the problem,

I don't understand parents who have children and then can't look after them on their own.

he sounds an absolute nightmare
I understand why you are accommodating to take the grandchildren but this sounds so difficult for you
It's almost as if they are setting traps to upset you and find reason to argue

I personally think you were unkind in cancelling, you shouldn’t have agreed in the fits place. Your son should not be rude or say anything unkind but I can understand his angst. It’s like dressing up to go out and taxi never arrives.

If you have issues with your son why on earth did you say you would have the little one it really is pretty difficult to be cancelled on at the last minute and surely this will only make matters a whole lot worse
You seemingly straddling both camps don’t want to have anything to do with your son but offering to babysit then changing your mind
There’s obviously a lot more to this story than we know but I would help out as much as I could to keep my relationship wuth the grandkids alive however if you need to say no then you should have done just that at the beginning when first asked not in a mind change because that is totally annoying

If your son if abusive towards you , I wonder if he is also abusive and controlling towards your DIL? That Wouid go a way to explaining why she can’t cope with both the kids I think. X

I am thankful for every second I get to spend with my grandson. For most of his life I had no contact with him. I am not asked regularly to share my time with him making every second I spend with him precious to me. I get so upset when I hear grandparents complain about being asked to spend time with their grandchildren, It's not a chore or something to complain about, it's an honour to be asked, a pleasure and a joy to be with him and I am so glad to now be part of his life.

You said no, so they had no call to ask you again. Well, if she cannot look after two children, why did she play favourites as to which one she would be taking, and not ask you which one you preferred to have with you? Also, the son is horrid when he does not get what he wants, and that is another minus.

No matter what my relationship with my son was, I'd never give up the chance to look after his child and alienating him too

Tanjam that’s rather unfair to the daughter in law she asked because she was taking the 5 year old to something that wasn’t particularly suitable for a 2 year old that’s not to do with favouritism or inability to manage to children Very harsh and judgemental post
missiseff exactly as I would feel why cut you chance if having a lovely day with the little one because you don’t get on with the father it’s not the father she will be with !
But
It’s the changing mind that’s the problem

Why not have said NO at the time your son asked for your help in looking after your five year old grandchild.
Whatever your reason for a change of mind is not the point your timing is.
Not too late to calm the water with a change of mind and offer your help by looking after your 5 year old GC.
You do not need me to tell you how quickly your five year old will no longer need his gran.Make the most of it before its too late.

Having read the two previous posts you have left, I would suggest you have gone over and above that which should be expected from you.
Your rude son would get a clip across the ear from me and I'm the mother of two middle aged sons with children. Obviously you don't have that kind of relationship where you can 'clip' so, if as you suggest you have a painful reason for not caring for the little one. Tell them NO it's time they learnt to value their unpaid, kind hearted skivvy. You might notice I'm very cross for you.
I also do all I can to help out. I love my grandchildren to bits but there's a 'line in the sand'.....
They will continue to emotionally blackmail you into bending to their wishes unless you show some backbone.
I took two little ones to the beach on many occasions and lived to tell the tale.

Also Tanjam accusing the dil of picking favourites and then suggesting that Edge should have been allowed to choose is a bit double standards IMO.

Soniah that was also my first thought. The dil wanting to take the older child on funfair rides.