Worried about my daughter

HI, why not wait and see what the situation is after you return from the cruise? Just try to be firm, tell everyone they need to be settled back in their own home within the next week or two so that you have time to prepare for going away, which will give their mother time to get organised before you leave.

Enjoy your holiday!

I agree with Baggytrazzes. Stand your ground and enjoy your holiday. See what it's like when the children are back at school and the family have been rehoused.

Hi, think I agree with the above comment. Sometimes we have so much to think about, deal with and ‘demands’ on us from elderly parents, children and grandchildren let alone our OH that sometimes we can’t ‘see the wood for the trees’.
Your holiday with some space both before and afterwards seems essential to get some perspective for the long term decisions that you need to make.
Good luck with the future, balancing so many demands isn’t easy but you also need to consider yourself and agree some ‘manageable’ arrangements with all involved. Perhaps having her daughters home for a couple of months without you to depend on might focus your daughter? Worth a try?
Have a great holiday & really relax - you deserve it!

Thank you for your advice ?

I'd be worried too in your position, your daughter sounds like she needs mental health help. Unfortunately, that needs to come from her if she is going to make changes.

Please enjoy your cruise and try to out it aside for a while

Thank you, she did she her doctor a few months ago, he diagnosed her with Stress, she's not on any medication, I think she should try some anti depression tablets , but she won't. She's tired all the time , even after a good night's sleep, which I think is due to depression

I would push her to have a physical checkup, full bloods, thyroid, hormones etc

Then if they don't find a physical cause other help might be offered as needed

You can’t diagnose debbie it could be anything mental or physical but it’s far from natural for a young lady to be staying in bed all day while she has three young children in her care
You have the two older ones living with you to help both them and her but it’s not helped has it ? she’s still staying in bed all day and not looking after the four year old who wants to be with his sisters and you and your husband
He must feel so unloved
Why is your daughter not working ?
Where’s the childrens Dad in all this ?
Of course you must go on your cruise but I think when you come back you need to really have a heartfelt talk with your daughter and try and find out if she is overwhelmed not up to looking out for three children , needs parenting classes is depressed and needs some anti depressants plus maybe counselling or physically ill and needing a doctor

I think this is serious

She has a part time job ( her first ever job ) she can't drive ( refuses to learn ) both the dads are off the scene ( their choice) so it's always just been , me , my husband and her twin sister , she still lives at home because if her studies. She's a newly qualified teacher, I can't ask her to talk to her sister though , unfortunately their relationship is non existence. I have try everything I could think of other the last couple of years to support my daughter, nothing seems to have helped. I've tried a heart to heart etc and she just agrees with me on everything, but nothing changes. My 10 year old granddaughter was really suffering with her own mental health living with her mother . She says Mummy doesn't care about me etc , it breaks my heart , hence she's been with us. She's a different child here , much happier and out going . I'm just so worried I'm doing the wrong thing ? everyone I bring up going home , she gets upset

Oops a few typo's, hope it makes sense

I m a bit confused now you say in your latest post that she still lives at home with you
But earlier you said the girls live with you and the grandson is crying on the phone to come and stay with you as well
So that doesn’t make sense !

So do you and your husband have twin girls and three children living with you ???

BlueBelle - I interpreted last post from OP as daughter's twin sister was still living at home- just qualified as teacher. Daughter with the difficulty lives separately with 5 year old son.

Debbi58 with your most recent post I think traveling more often with your partner is just the right medicine for your ails. About your grandkids being sad that you’ll be away, to remember that children get upset about so many things, that doesn’t mean that those things are bad or awful. For them, and for you, “this too shall pass”. Though they may be upset or sad, they will benefit from your temporary absence in ways they can’t understand, as it will hopefully force your daughter to step up to the plate for them. Also their being upset is expected and unavoidable. It is not unreasonable for you to take a vacation.

I won’t comment on your daughter refusing to drive and this being her first job, let alone a part-time one, and her perking up only for her boyfriend, etc as I’m sure you can imagine what I think about that.

You being unavailable to your daughter at this time (doesn’t have to be forever, just temporary) may be exactly what is needed. However, when you begin to doubt yourself: remember that this isn’t the end of the world, your daughter is not the first person to have been a single working parent with a lull in hands-on support, and she won’t be the last. So please do not feel guilty, you’ve already done enough of that! And when you are gone on your travels, it will likely be difficult for her at first, but that doesn’t mean you must rush back home and cancel your cruise, it means she must persevere. So, might I suggest letting your daughter know that you won’t be available much at all during your trip? And then stick to that, have it be a trip with minimal communication with anyone via phone or text. I only say that because I just don’t want you to be preoccupied the entire time and glued to your phone trying to help your daughter from afar. Like another person said, you deserve this trip (and many more!)

I so hope that you and your partner have a lovely time celebrating his retirement. Enjoy your cruise and when you get back, set another date for another trip! I wish you both (and your daughter) well!

Lets get things into perspective.
You are booked to go on a cruise with your husband. The children currently living with you will have to return to Mum for at least the time you are away. Do not even consider giving up your holiday because I can see this notion will come into your daughter's head soon.
You and your DH have earned the right to happy retirement, do not spoil it. Your daughter needs professional help, so help her to access it.
Consider what you would say to a friend who's daughter was behaving like this. What would you advise her to do?
When you return from your cruise you have a golden opportunity to change the rules, perhaps have just one child to stay for a week, then let the next one swap over, and even the youngest one in his turn. You are not getting any younger.

Take this much needed cruise Debbi and take the opportunity of a re set on your return.

It does sound as if your D needs some help which is more than her doctor diagnosing her with stress, and all the time the children can stay with you, she can 'ignore' the problem(s) as she knows the children are being taken care of.

Of course you want to be there for, and are worried about the children but this is not a long term solution for you, them or your D. Your D needs to accept that she needs help, and not just the help she's receiving from you and your DH.

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother's Myeloma diagnosis. Does she have a partner or is she on her own. You are likely to find your hands pretty full with her when she starts treatment.

Your daughter sounds depressed to me but there's not a lot you can do without her agreement. I would enjoy your holiday while you can.

Deedaa My Mum is 82 and a widow, dad died 13 years ago, lung Cancer . Sorry for the confusion, its my other daughter ( her twin ) that still lives at home and just qualified as a teacher

Must be sad for the little boy living with his mum when neither of his sisters are there to keep him company. He is left to cope with his mum on his own.

He's with me today , Mummy has work for a couple of hours , he's been helping me with housework , now going to the park . Spoke to my daughter this morning and she's agreed to talk to doctor, so that a positive step

Your daughter needs to seek more medical advice, and insist on some help - whether it's physical or mental.

The GP may also be able to write to the council, perhaps jogging on her rehousing a bit.

It's not easy being a single parent, but she needs to get the help, and then step up to the mark.

If she perks up with her boyfriend, she must be able to muster enthusiasm for some things.

She's probably just got complacent, simply because she knows that you care for the children.

But, that's not good enough for the children. They need to feel wanted in their own home as well.

So, enjoy your cruise - and leave your phone switched off as much as possible.

Then, when you get back, try and lay down sone boundaries with your DD - we can't be there for them 24/7, to the exclusion of all else.?

Thank you, I did manage to talk to her this morning, she's agreed to contact her doctor. Which she did and he has prescribed some medication for her to try. So hoping that helps ?

Not long now and you'll be on your cruise and the children will be back with Mum, where, lets face it, they belong. Has she made childcare arrangements for when you're away or is she hoping you will cancel your holiday?

Update # Daughter had the call yesterday, she has a house ? finally after 8 years on the list . She's also taking the anti depressants the doctor prescribed, so hopefully a fresh start for everyone. I can finally relax and start looking forward to our cruise ?

That's great news Debbi.