Daughter in law uncomfortable with people holding her baby .

Norah

Madgran77

I never cease to be amazed at the entitlement of grandparents who think they have rights to their child's child

I never cease to be amazed at the rush to accuse GPs of entitlement as soon as they come on GN and ask for advice and any thoughts on their worries ...even when there is no suggestion of "an entitled attitude" in the OP!! .

Madgram77 Below is OPs entitled attitude:

Anytime we come to visit she doesn’t like anyone to hold him. The few times I do she hovers over me like a hawk and looks for any opportunity to take him back . If he fusses and has a wet diaper she takes him from me to change him. I’ve offered to change him but she won’t hear of it and then my holding time with him has ended.

OP wants her way.

Seemingly dil is not allowed to want baby back to change a wet diaper. It appears OP doesn't like mum "hovering over" baby?

How is OP attitude not entitled, by any standard?

I don't agree Norah! She is describing what happens that worries her because from her perspective she sees the behaviour as overanxious etc. Many on here have explained to her in ways that she can understand and "hear" that in the circumstances that anxiety is understandable, they have helped her to consider that within the bigger picture etc. She may be also describing how she would love to hold the baby, help by changing a nappy, but that doesn't make her entitled automatically - most would like that, that doesn't mean they feel entitled to it.

choughdancer expresses very well why the OP is not being entitled, why the DIL is not wrong, and that there is a way forward that should end happily for all. Hopefully that will be the case for the OP who is perfectly entitled to come on GN and express her worries without being accused of something she really has not implied, suggested and does not deserve to have assumed!

Madgram77 of course OP is entitled to post her thoughts here.

I just find OP thoughts overly entitled, you feel differently.

Norah

Madgram77 of course OP is entitled to post her thoughts here.

I just find OP thoughts overly entitled, you feel differently.

Yes we do feel differently. Hey ho

Some of the replies are less than sympathetic. Of course it's true it's not your baby but if you are a maternal person your arms must ache to hold him. I can understand both your DiL's and your point of view. Just hang in there in be the sympathetic, warm MiL I'm sure you are. She will come round, especially if she manages to have another.

I’m sorry but despite your understandable desire to hold the lovely new grandchild, the rest of your message makes me wonder how respectful you are to the new little family. There is no research backing the idea that an 8 week old will be made neurotic by being fussed over or not subjected to light and noise. There is plenty of research showing that the worries of parents of miracle babies can lead them to be unhappy and anxious. Maybe love your little family, praise them and support them and let them adjust to the miracle and the change and stress the miracle brings.

Congratulations! It takes time to get used to being a grandmother, and fitting in with the new parents' wishes and concerns. Things settle down in time. Sad to see some very unsympathetic responses on here. Always seems to happen on threads like this. It's lovely you are involved and I'm sure the cuddles will increase in time. The new mum is naturally protective. I used to think my f-i-l would drop the baby - I'm sure that's not the case with you though! We had to he quiet as mice when our gc were asleep too. It's lovely to be told as a new mum what a great job you're doing, something I never got from my mother or m-i-l. Enjoy this precious time gazing at your new gc and supporting the parents in any way you can. ?

I really don’t understand berating Bonbon 8888 for wanting to hold her grandson. It’s the most natural thing in the world to welcome a new grandchild into the family especially all the difficulty suffered. My mum was totally involved from the word go and I appreciated any help I was given as a new mother.
Within my family we believe in sharing all the love around and the more love a child receives the more adjusted he will be.

My daughter in law was the same with baby number one. She wouldn't leave him even with grandparents. Baby number two was a different story. She couldn't wait to get grandparents involved Only to pleased for time on her own. Give your daughter in law some time.

Come on Gransnetters! If the OP had focussed only on the sadness of not holding her new grandchild maybe the responses would have been more gentle even supportive. But there were so many criticisms of the parenting - including warnings of a neurotic child. I think that was bound to cause a reactio From us!

Totally understand your feelings. Fed up with nasty comments on this site when someone expresses something understandable. OF COURSE IT"S ABOUT YOU BONBON. As a Nana you're bound to be emotionally involved, and becoming a grandmother is a big life transition. However, the nervousness of the mother is also understandable. I agree that her baby may not benefit from this behaviour, but who's a perfect parent? Try to be patient, help in other ways, NEVER criticise, and all will work out!

Fleurpepper

I agree! It is not abnormal to want to hold a grandchild. Most babies get held by all members of the family. I wonder if there is some underlying pnd.

At 8 weeks old he is brand new! Some mothers don’t mind others holding their babies and changing nappies/feeding etc and some do. That’s just how it is. I was similar when I had my Son, also a baby I never thought I’d have, so that could be part of the reason why. Also, as a new Mum, I wanted to do things myself. At one point my MIL was holding my 2 day old Son who was obviously hungry and rooting and she wouldn’t give him back to me, I was too shy to say anything but it made me so anxious. I would suggest giving them time, ask if they want help with anything, washing/cleaning, even a drink being made. It’s all new and scary and we want to be close to these tiny little babies and soak it all up. I get that it’s your Grandson but it is their Son and what they say goes

Can understand your feelings and it’s not been my experience with the grandchildren, my DIL and Daughter were happy to have a little brake .. perhaps it’s because of her lose and difficulty getting pregnant etc ..
She may relax given time, and might learn the hard way regarding noise, imo just accept it’s her way, and continue to be supportive …

If your daughter in law is so protective towards her baby I find it very strange that she’s willing to employ a Nanny.

One DiL welcomed me with open arms when their first child arrived one kept me at arm’s length. There were some really unpleasant things that happened but I kept quiet and just had a cry in private. I’m glad I did because now I’m allowed as much contact as I could ever wish for with all my grandchildren.
Her ways are not yours but just be respectful and encouraging and it should all come right in the end.
Good luck ?

But there were so many criticisms of the parenting - including warnings of a neurotic child

No! She is expressing her thoughts and asking for views!!If she said she had told the parents her views then yes, you might have a point. But expressing views and asking for thoughts is perfectly reasonable and does not deserve assumptions if "entitlement" being made.

undines

Totally understand your feelings. Fed up with nasty comments on this site when someone expresses something understandable. OF COURSE IT"S ABOUT YOU BONBON. As a Nana you're bound to be emotionally involved, and becoming a grandmother is a big life transition. However, the nervousness of the mother is also understandable. I agree that her baby may not benefit from this behaviour, but who's a perfect parent? Try to be patient, help in other ways, NEVER criticise, and all will work out!

Good advice!

I'd be more worried if the new Mum wasn't like this. It is so important for Mum and Baby to bond fully...do some reading about Attachment Disorder and you'll be glad your DIL is like this. It is absolutely rubbish to think that attending to a baby's cried or just sitting with it is going to lead to a neurotic child. On the contrary, you should end up with a child who knows it is loved with a strong bond to the most important people in their life.

Yes, her baby, her choice. I remember feeling like this with my first baby. Please don't push her or she won't want to see you. Having a first baby often makes you very anxious, please don't add to her anxiety.

The OP asked for our feedback. We gave it! We don’t know if the criticism was expressed but I bet it was sensed!

Of course you want cuddles but take your lead from her and your son. Obviously a much waited for child and natural for her to be protective. Maybe even a little post partum anxiety . Respect her wishes. Say 'may I?' 'Would you like me to.' Gentle statements of how much you love seeing them and having little cuddles and thank them for letting you. At this stage I think its more about offering reassurances and practical support. The whole dynamic of having a grandchild from a son to one from a daughter is very different as the relationship with your grandchilds mum is different. Roll with it. Trust me ...It wont be long until they will want you to babysit and do school runs !

Congratulations on becoming a nanna, it’s so wonderful.
I’m sure as time goes by you will have more cuddles.
And I’m sure you have already thought of this, but is your DIL willing to let you do jobs for her, like washing up etc so she can relax with the baby?

Those with strong views about “spoiling” babies, or wondering at new parents’ reluctance to hand over their baby to well-meaning female relatives might like to read and take on board the idea of the Fourth Trimester

www.nct.org.uk/baby-toddler/emotional-and-social-development/what-fourth-trimester

Bonbon8888 - It's natural for you as gp to want to hold, cuddle, nurse your new grandchild. It's also natural for a new mum to want to set boundaries and protect her baby even if her thinking is not rational. However, if her thinking is completely irrational then some intervention at some point will be needed. If she is so afraid of baby getting germs that her insistence on not allowing anyone to hold him/her continues for many months, and if she persists with the darkened noiseless room then alarm bells will be ringing. Sure the bond between baby and primary care-giver has to be developed, but research disputes the idea that a baby who is held by different people will become ill and the truth is that babies even at 8 weeks old need exposure on a gradual level to various bacteria in order to build their immunity. We know for example, that children who are exposed to cat/dog dander and who share beds with siblings/parents do not get asthma as much as those who are brought up in pristine environments, and that if babies have nut butters in their diets when being weaned, they don't develop crippling nut allergies later on. My advice Bonbon is to hang in there, ask your mil if there's anything else you can do to help her and as the months wear on, help her prepare for her return to work and the introduction of a child minder to whom she will relinquish all control, by reminding her that it would be a good idea for her to leave baby with a grandparent for an hour to gradually build up her own ability to hand over to a stranger.

Give her time Bonnie. I felt a bit the same when I had my first child - who is now 50- didn’t even want my mother picking her up- all that changed when I was over the first massive change to our lives with a new baby- then 2 boys arrived in quick succession and they could thankfully be picked up by anyone??- I’ve now got 6 grandchildren and when the first arrived- I just held back until I was asked to help - no problems for me as I loved dealing with my own babies but preferred the grandchildren when they were a bit older and fun was on the cards!?? also parents were then desperate for a break - be patient- it will change. Xx