Daughter in law uncomfortable with people holding her baby .

This thread escalated quickly

As a newcomer to gransnet I found so many of these comments harsh and self-righteous. (Would put me off posting!) Maybe it’s a cultural thing, or an age thing. Most grandparents I know in the UK are recruited to (unpaid) childcare as soon as the child opens their eyes! I held my sister’s first when he was a couple of days old. We fell asleep together on the bed (what is it about babies that makes you fall asleep?) and have had a lovely close relationship for 40 years. I have noticed that my nephew’s wife is much more protective of her firstborn and spends practically every waking minute with him. I feel like a total spare part in her presence.
This platform is called gransnet so I would have thought that it’s perfectly ok to post about things that affect you personally and not to get told off about it.

My DD was reluctant to let me have her son at first, but gladly handed him to me when she was in hospital (having just given birth to him) and she wanted to go to the loo. I thought I was never going to see him again, then when he was 3 weeks old, I was asked if I could babysit, which I happily did. He is 8 now, and we are the best of friends. He has Down syndrome and is delightful

Give it time is my advice.

Why wouldn’t she want to hold the baby? A grandmother who wants to cuddle her own grandson ? Who heard of such a thing! It’s such a special thing to hold and bond with a baby. I believe the baby as well as the gran would benefit enormously from it.
I get that it’s their baby and they can do as they please but I don’t think they’re doing themselves or the baby any favours by isolating him.

My first thought was "Oh, not again!"

Can we please all try to understand that right reason, or none young mothers are over-protective of their babies.

We are made that way, and thank Heaven for it, as otherwise most of us would not have survived our first few months.

This young woman we are discussing here had a hard time getting the length of holding her own baby, so dear MIL: Come out of the huff and let your DIL treat HER baby as she feels best.

I bet that is what you did when your son was his age.

icanhandthemback

I'd be more worried if the new Mum wasn't like this. It is so important for Mum and Baby to bond fully...do some reading about Attachment Disorder and you'll be glad your DIL is like this. It is absolutely rubbish to think that attending to a baby's cried or just sitting with it is going to lead to a neurotic child. On the contrary, you should end up with a child who knows it is loved with a strong bond to the most important people in their life.

Indeed.

The baby parents seem appropriately involved and loving.

GP has seen/ held the baby - surely that's good enough. Who wants to change nappies? I would happily never change another.

Hard though it is you will survive. Went a year without holding DGC because of covid. Let her hover over you whilst you hold not an issue and she will grow in confidence that all will be well. Not worth making a scene over.

Early days at 8 weeks old, and I'm not surprised at your daughter-in-law's level of care and protection, particularly in view of what has gone before. Frankly, I'd just chill out and leave it to them, otherwise all you'll do is alienate them and become the apocryphal "interfering Mother-in-law". Just make it clear that you're always there to offer your support whenever THEY ask for it.

I would completely support the Mum and tell her well she is doing. There are plenty of other ways you can help such as washing and ironing,shopping or cooking a meal. You will be needed to help with the baby later but not now.

We went through something a little bit similar to this with my step-daughter, although right from the first time we met our gorgeous grandson she happily asked would we like a cuddle and passed her previous bundle to us. He’s now just coming up to 8 and this past summer holidays he came and stayed with us for three nights alone for the first time, though right from around 2 years we were able to take him out alone for the day and see them regularly and have shared several holidays.

Completely understand both sides of this story, including Granny’s disappointment. Give it time, it’s early days - good luck x

Grrr precious not previous !!

Out of interest is she the same when her own friends and family are around?

Congratulations on your first grandchild. Of course it’s normal to want to hold them. It sounds like your dil is very anxious. My daughter was on medication for about a year after having twins, for her anxiety. She was very protective and over diligent about hygiene. 4 years ago. She’s so laid back now.

Please do not insinuate a mother has ppd because other people doesnt interact the baby they way they want

It doesnt go well and backfire easily

Interact with the baby

tickingbird
Why do you need to hold the baby anyway?

This!!

Why, whenever there’s an OP like this do people have to get snippy? Of course she wants to hold the baby fgs! Ok he’s not hers, we get that but wanting to hold her grandson is natural. Some people need to be a little more understanding. There’s nothing she can do but don’t act as if the OP is somehow in the wrong for wanting to hold her new grandson.

I agree with this. There are some very really nasty comments on here. I’ve noticed it about other subjects too especially anything political. Be kind or say nothing for goodness sake!

I'd have a chat with them, tbh. Especially about the light and the silence!
Babies need to know the sounds of the hoover and doorbell, the sounds of people going about their daily routines. They also need light, whether natural or lighting inside.
If you speak only to your son, she may take it badly, so speak to both of them but keep it calm and remind them you're concerned about all of them!!
They're bound to make mistakes with a first born.
They're going to trust a nanny, so they should start that trust with you and her own family!
And 2 miscarriages, bah that's nothing. Try 13!!! (I don't mean offence here, but generally speaking most women will have at least one throughout their lives).

Ali08 goodness me, I hope the op doesn’t take your advice, I think it will be a one way stop to being shut out from the grandchild’s life. ?

Ali08

You meaning nooffense with your post doesnt mean it is offensive

Every miscarriage is traumatic, 1, 2 or 13

This is not a competition of whom had it been worst

The parents are going to trust whomever they pick, not grandma just because of the dna link

Had it the worst.. autocorrect

Ali08 I'd have a chat with them, tbh. Especially about the light and the silence!
Babies need to know the sounds of the hoover and doorbell, the sounds of people going about their daily routines. They also need light, whether natural or lighting inside.
If you speak only to your son, she may take it badly, so speak to both of them but keep it calm and remind them you're concerned about all of them!!
They're bound to make mistakes with a first born.
They're going to trust a nanny, so they should start that trust with you and her own family!

NO, just no. Follow that advice only if you want to be estranged and wonder why -- because "I did nothing wrong".

Ali08

I'd have a chat with them, tbh. Especially about the light and the silence!
Babies need to know the sounds of the hoover and doorbell, the sounds of people going about their daily routines. They also need light, whether natural or lighting inside.
If you speak only to your son, she may take it badly, so speak to both of them but keep it calm and remind them you're concerned about all of them!!
They're bound to make mistakes with a first born.
They're going to trust a nanny, so they should start that trust with you and her own family!
And 2 miscarriages, bah that's nothing. Try 13!!! (I don't mean offence here, but generally speaking most women will have at least one throughout their lives).

I think you will find that a barrier goes up if you follow this advice. It certainly goes against everything New Mums will have learned about setting the boundaries, etc. Many new mums will have had information at their finger tips which we never had so it doesn't follow they are bound to make mistakes. Of course Grandmothers who have done it all before and know everything might be completely out of date with the current research and are as likely to make mistakes.
As for the amount of miscarriages somebody might have had, what a completely crass statement. No woman is a statistic without feelings.

Ali08 my brother and sil insisted on no noise when their young children were asleep. We weren’t allowed to go into the bathroom, never mind flush the loo! Yes it seemed a little over the top at the time but we went along with their rules and my niece and nephew are both strapping teenagers with no scars from the silence.

tickingbird

^Why do you need to hold the baby anyway?^

This!!

Why, whenever there’s an OP like this do people have to get snippy? Of course she wants to hold the baby fgs! Ok he’s not hers, we get that but wanting to hold her grandson is natural. Some people need to be a little more understanding. There’s nothing she can do but don’t act as if the OP is somehow in the wrong for wanting to hold her new grandson.

Couldn't agree more. I want to hold my grandchildren and luckily my son and DIL want me to build that close bond as they do the other grandparents. I think it's a natural desire and wonder at those who dont have that and can't understand the OP's point. I wouldn't force it if it wasn't offered but would still want to cuddle my grandchildren. Agree about getting on with normal routine but I guess it's really difficult when it's been so hard getting there.

And 2 miscarriages, bah that's nothing. Try 13!!! (I don't mean offence here, but generally speaking most women will have at least one throughout their lives).

If you have 13 miscarriages Ali then I am very sorry. That must be very painful to have gone through. As would be one miscarriage. The pain is not made greater or reduced by the numbers!