41 year old son says I abused him

I do feel for you. Norton.
Your abject apology sounds so heart warming. You acknowledge you may have made mistakes (I have made many). You are happy to do anything he wishes. You sound like a very loving caring Mum. I have found that sometimes an adult child’s memory is different from ours as a Mum. There is no right or wrong here in as far as one person being right and one person being wrong. Active listening to one’s child of whatever age is very important so they feel properly ‘heard’. You have done that. Terminology such as ‘ discipline’ ‘ abuse’ are used in different situations and in different eras. Years ago a ‘good hiding’ was regarded as proper discipline. Nowadays it would be regarded as abuse. My loving mother got to the end of her tether with me and gave me a good hiding. I do regard that as abuse and I have asked her why she did it. She didn’t answer which I took to mean it may have been too painful for her to recollect. (My twin sister wasn’t punished in that way) She was a more compliant child. I never stopped loving my mum and she me and was devastated when she died aged 90.
I have had lots of counselling and therapy. I have encouraged my own son to go to counselling/therapy as for up until he met his wife and had their own baby he was quite bitter about my parenting. Now he readily acknowledges that being a parent can be challenging at times and our relationship is much better. I wonder if your son would be willing to consider family counselling/therapy. Or single person counselling as a way of letting go of his anger with you in a safe setting. In the end my son didn’t take up the idea of counselling/ therapy but meeting the love of his life (his wife) and being a parent has enabled him to be a much happier young man. They are such loving parents I realise I must have done something right(!)

So glad that your situation has resolved Norton.
I have found that reading all the comments is a learning curve and so interesting to hear all the different points of view.

norton

Thank you for all your messages, they really helped. He's called me tonight and we've met half way between his "memories" and my lack of remembering what happened. We've agreed to draw a line under it all now its been fully discussed and be kinder. He's taken back his harsh words and said he now realises it was all a bit strong. I said I was a bit heavy handed in disciplining him and shouldn't have been and now I've apologised and he has, we're all feeling a lot better Families!! Thank you again you lovely Grans for being such a support. x

I am so happy for you!

How on earth does a 41 year old who has never brought this up before remember suddenly that on one occasion you dug your nails into his arm when reprimanding him and trying to stop him from running away
This is nonsense and obviously brought about by the wife and their different way of parenting
That is not abuse and as for taking his pocket money away if he was being a pain in the whatsit seems a normal sort of punishment to me
This is silly and I wouldn’t get involved in any sort of mea culpa
Just seen your last post and all seems resolved That’s good but don’t see yourself as an abusive mum by what you’ve told us on here

Norton, thanks for the de-briefing. Well done! You did well to seek moral support here and participating grans benefit from applying ourselves to problems.

Fining someone for wrong doing is part of the justice system today, wether it be parking or violence, maybe you did gig your nails in restraining him but you would not remember.
He needs to be told he is being petty and to grow up, or has he got a mental age of 12.

That's good news Norton all is resolved without escalating the drama. You must be relieved.

Do you have other children, Norton? If so, what are their thoughts on this?
My children say I abused them, but they say it to wind me up though it does get to me because I'm always worried that people out of our circle will take them seriously!!
Unfortunately, this doesn't seem to be the case with your son, who has it stuck in his head that you actually did abuse him!
I wonder if he's seen a therapist? Some of those people, NOT ALL, but some do put ideas into people's heads. Plus, his wife could be projecting onto him, as I think someone else thought above!

I am not clear from what you have said but have you indicated, by word, deed or attitude, that you disagree with your son's parenting choices?

My jaw nearly dropped off when my 36yr old son said I force fed him as a child!!! For once I was literally speechless! I didn't know what I could,/ should reply?! I finally said gently to him that his accusations sounded like false memory. He ate well ,was a happy little child and fitand healthy now at 6'2" and fit as the proverbbut hers dog, perfect physique and weight, no dietary issues so? He just looked sheepish and I guessed who had persuaded him to accuse me of this, his partner who for some reason was looking for ANY excuse to cut me from their lives for the umpteenth time. I've cried about this and many others things from the past every single day now I don't see any of them for 5years and beat myself up about what I've done to deserve being kicked out of their lives ( other son ok with me and also sidelined from brother)? We can but wonder and pray it all comes right xxx

My jaw joined Gabrielle's when my daughter told me she distinctly remembers my putting a pudding basin on her head and cutting round it!
I did no such thing
But thats funny rather than upsetting.
If I were you I'd never ever mention the money or the nails again, if he brings it up you should refuse to discuss it further.
Nothing can be changed now, not even recollections.

Discipline was very different in the 70 s and 80 s, as it was in the 50s and 60 s when children were given a good hiding fir nothing very much, sometimes beaten with belts. Teachers hit and threw things at children, policemen clipped children round the ear. It was clearly wrong, but this behaviour did happen at that time.
Our children can ( and do) criticise us. Mine have plenty of never forgotten grudges. How they remember the small things beats me but we can only apologise if we see fit while saying ''everyone' did whatever it was.
Kids understand the 'everyone has it, does it, gets it' because they use it on parents all the time while pushing the boundaries. Bless their cotton socks. .

crazyH

Oh gosh - I was heavy handed with my children, just as my mother was with all of us. I have nothing but love and respect for the way my mother brought us up. We have all turned out to be very successful, with no anger or bitterness.
I have never apologised to my children…. all turned out well. They do remember those days …..not very fondly, I’m sure. But that’s how it was ………

This is just so depressing. "i was dragged up and knocked about and didn't have the sense or self worth to object so why should anyone else" with an added dash of "look at me wearing my mental resilience like a gold star of moral character".

And can we stop blaming the wife and putting her abuse in inverted commas. Maybe she was literally abused, it's not for OP to make a judgement on that. And just because husband is aware of and potentially influenced by her history doesn't mean she put him up to anything.

If it's any comfort, norton, my brother who's a retired Consultant Psychologist once told me when I was struggling through a difficult period with my own DC that we'd all have to bring up the same child at least 3 times before we had a hope of "getting it all right".

Maybe tell your son that you're sorry he feels this way, but that you did what you felt was best for his development at the time, and if you got it wrong then you're sorry, but you can't redo the past. If it were me I think I'd also add that it seems to be upsetting him disproportionately if he sees it as abuse, and that you wonder if he would benefit from talking his feelings through with a Counsellor?

Oh, I've just seen that all is happily resolved. Great!!!

Why is he dragging this up now? Has he seen a counsellor who has laid the blame for all his problems on you? So many therapists do that but they should also encourage the patient to come to terms with the past and move on.

No child has a perfect upbringing and no parent is perfect either. Most parents do the best they can for their children, but we are all human.

I make no apologies for having smacked my children, usually just one smack on a well covered bottom. It was entirely acceptable at the time and I see no reason to apologise for it in retrospect. Obviously I wouldn't do that now, although DD, says it never bothered her.

Oh Dear!!!! so many people have false memories of what happened in their childhood. Where there are siblings, they will all ahve different memories of the same things.

Abuse is far more than disciplining a youngster. I would take a bet that no matter how much 'gentle parenting' is in process those children will produce strange 'memories' in 20 or 30 years time.

I was amused recently, in talking to my eldest daughter about an incident involving HER daughter some 12 years ago. My daughter told me I was making it all up. Then she checked with her daughter who confirmed my version of the incident - (must say daughter apologies to me). None of us have infallible memories.