Baby Mama

Welcome GIG178. The baby is only one month old so it's natural his mum wants to be with him. Stay friendly with her and don't ask to have the baby on your own.
If you keep a good relationship she may in time be glad to have some time without him but for the moment accept her terms. She is his mum.

Welcome from me too GIG178 I agree with AGAA4 this is a very new baby born into troubled circumstances. The mother is understandably concerned about him, don't insist on this alone time, just spend time with them both so Mum feels comfortable with things. I think you are expecting too much at this early stage.

Thank you both for your advice. I wondered if I was expecting too much too soon. This is exactly why I wanted to reach out and ask others. I think the reason I get a little impatient is because I know she leaves the baby alone with her sisters. Which I understand that is her family. I will definitely take your advice and just let this play out naturally.

Sorry this is definitely too much too soon

I'd be patient and understanding and reap the future rewards

Welcome to GB GIG179 and congratulations on the birth of your GS; I'm sorry that the circumstances aren't ideal.

As has been said, the baby is very young so it's understandable that mum wants to be with him when you are seeing him, just enjoy being his GM and the time spent with him.

I hope rehab goes well for your son .

I agree best to leave it entirely on her terms for now and let her make the first move. Are they still a couple? Your son and her?
If not it could be doubly awkward.

DD allowed me and her dad to take DGD on a short walk in the pram when DGD was about a month old so it's not unusual to want to be there 100% of the time!
Congratulations on the birth of your grandson.

I was very possessive, if that's the right word, with my children. I'd not have let my own mother take my baby anywhere at that age.

Just take it slow and easy. With time I'm sure you'll be able to get a more one to one relationship with your grandson.

They are not technically together. Now that he is in rehab and doing very well he sees how being back with her as a "couple" could be detrimental to his sobriety. However, he does want a strong co-parenting relationship with her.

It is a pretty awkward situation when I'm having a visit with the baby and she's there. Luckily, we had a relationship with each other before the baby was born so that helps. There have been some words said since the birth that weren't so nice on either of our parts because her family stated my son forced her into drugs. Which was not the case. But we are mending the relationship back.

Irrespective of addictions and any other problems, would you have been willing to hand over your new baby to your Mother or Motber-in-law? I certainly wouldn't and I had a good relationship with both of them. Didn't have sisters but guess I would have treated them pretty much the same. My baby, my presence and rules. Sounds somewhat selfish as I write it here but it didn't feel like that at the time - just natural. What would you do with GS privately that you couldn't do in his Mum's presence? Sounds decidedly odd to me. Try again when he's perhaps a toddler?

This is the absolute perfect time to let her know you're there for both of them.

The baby is only a month old. It's not good for mother or baby to be away from each other, the baby will only want his mom and she will want to be with him.

Be a support to her. She will never forget how she was treated postpartum. Honestly, be a positive in her life for her and her child.

It will be the foundations of your relationship for the future.

no you cannot expect to have sole care of the baby at this stage, or ever indeed, unless the mother is comfortable with that.
wouldn't it be easier to go visit, by arrangement, at the baby's home, rather than have them both come to yours ?
all the best.

As well as creating a bond with the baby - having mum there too will help you form a closer relationship with her. It may be a good opportunity for her to observe your interaction with the baby - giving her a good role model.

Building a trusting relationship will benefit all of you.

Too much too soon. It’s wonderful you have the self-awareness to ask others. Not everyone does. I personally think that means you’re off to a great start.

Babies only need to bond with mum and dad. Bonding with extended family is most definitely secondary and down the line. So please be patient. You are a mum, so you know they grow fast. The time for bonding with extended family will be upon you all before you know it.

It’s natural that she turns to the women she knows and trusts first. But showing her respect and deference as the mother will help her trust you when it is appropriate. Baby is only a month old. There is so much time for you to connect with your grandchild.

I would like to say, in my experience, the Mom's side of the family gets priority over the Dad's side of the family. I was warned by many ,that this would happen, and it did. My philosophy is, as long as my grandson is happy and healthy, thats all that matters. For example, husband and I ,have never spent Christmas with our GS. No problem, we can celebrate ,earlier in December. This happened, while Son was married ,and now ,divorced. Thats Life!

This is very normal for the mother to act and feel this way. It is nothing to do with her being an addict. It is not really about what you want it’s about what’s right for the baby and the mum. Loving a child should not be selfish.
You have been given a privilege but it is not a right So I would treat that as an honour and with respect, and accept her baby her rules. At a month old the baby this is a lot to expect, I do not actually think there is much of a dilemma here.
You say you want a relationship with her too, then here is your chance, you can focus on the baby rather than pressure to keep up conversation a baby distracts from the pressure of conversation. You sound a bit resentful of the mother IMHO and that is not a healthy way forward. She may worry that once your son is clean you will try to take her baby. Which may be fiction but could be a real anxiety for her.
So many grandparents don’t see their grandkids and it hurts. I think you need to show her you are grateful for anytime you can get in any way she feels happy with, be supportive and show her you are worthy of her trust. It cannot be easy for her either.

very very well said pinkjj27

I won't repeat what everybody else has said because you probably don't need to hear it again. However, one thing I did notice is that you had had words about the path of the baby's mother into drugs. Please don't go there again no matter how unfair you think it is. The reality is that you have no idea of how the whole thing started unless you were there and really, it doesn't matter half as much as having a good relationship with your Grandchild's mother. With the shame that comes with addiction comes the need to blame and it actually removes the addict's sense of responsibility so it is actually counter productive. Breathe a sigh of relief that you have a healthy grandchild with 2 parents who want the best for their son and are allowing you a relationship. When your son is completely sober he will no doubt get access without Mum and you will no doubt have a more relaxed access at the same time.

I’ve never asked any of my daughter inlaws if I can take grandkids and I’ve never picked them up until mum has said would you like a hold or you can take them with you if you want to. I’ve a good relationship with them both but my youngest does have a child from a previous relationship and she was horrible she would let me have then not we had many rows she had a problem too I lost my granddaughter and my son his daughter she actually went overseas to live with a family member and cut all ties with everybody here including her own parents. My advice would be enjoy your time with your grandson wait until she is ready to let you. Bite your tongue because she holds all the cards. I hope you have a long happy relationship with him and you don’t go through heartbreak we went through. My granddaughter is 12 now and we haven’t seen her since she was 4.

Greetings! Addiction itself whether it’s drugs or alcohol is enough to have to put up with and I’m sure your sons experience has been more than upsetting for you. So the anxiety that can be caused for you trying to establish a relationship with your grandson must be horrible. Perhaps try and remember that dealing with a mother and baby as an in law not your daughter can be different. As everyone has said it is early days. Be grateful that you see him at all and gently introduce into the conversation with her that should she want to go out for a coffee or to the hairdresser then don’t hesitate to ask you to step in and keep an eye on him. That’s if her mum is busy! I’m sure she will realise soon how lucky she is to have two mums to help her ! I hope your son continues to do well. I speak as an ex addict myself with sons that have also suffered, good luck!

As other have said, well done for reaching out. It's a brave things to step back and question ones self. It also shows how important it is to you that you are willing to change you to have a relationship with your grandchild. Such a positive starting place.

Also as others have said, it is very early days for you all, taking your time and being understanding is the best way forward.

Remember , remind yourself, that she is a new mum with new mum challenges, hormones, sleep patterns, body changes, life routine changes to name a few.

She, like any new mum, has a lot to adjust to.

While I do understand you wanting a relationship with your grandchild a month old baby won't know if you see them every week or every month. Sad but true.

Building a good pattern of visiting with and relating to the bay's mum is what is going to get you to a time when your grandchild does understand and knows you.

If you want to have a life long relationship with your grandchild the foundations start now and they won't be strong if you put her under pressure.

She is a New Mum with new mum stuff going on, remember.

She is finding her feet. She will pull away from you if she feels under too much pressure or if she feels her and her family are being attacked or criticised.

I'm guessing she is looking to her family for support as you've said why baby's dad isn't there to form the family group.

There are 168 hours in a week so for 166.5 hours other people are her support.

Make you 1.5 hours with her and baby count as a positive experience for her and you.

She is the key to any future relationship you have with your grandchild and sadly YOU have to PROVE to her and her family that you are a SAFE person to be in THIER lives.

Because it is in Their lives. Your grandchild doesn't exist in isolation of Mum and her family.

Other people get 166.5 hours - sleep time - to influence her mood, choices, behaviour etc for good or ill.

You have to make yours 1.5 hours be good for her and wanting to "Take HER Baby Away From Her" isn't going to work in your favour as much as I understand why you want that special time.

As hard as it is, please, don't get yourself into a place where you Demand YOUR Time because you've negotiated that time with her for you to have access with your grandchild.

You had to "negotiate" to get your time, with her baby, that was a win for you right there.

The situation is fragile and you've done a great job of realising how fragile your situation is so you can improve things for everyone.

My mum used to say "Kill them with Kindness" and so often in my 70 years she has been proved right.

Bitterness and Battles only bring pain and destruction. You don't need that in your life, non of us do. Lets hope you can find a way forward to a joyful time with your grand baby.

May Kindness to yourself, Kindness to baby's Mum, Kindness to your grandchild and Kindness to other involved in their lives bring you some peace and a life long loving relationship with your grandchild.

GIGI78

They are not technically together. Now that he is in rehab and doing very well he sees how being back with her as a "couple" could be detrimental to his sobriety. However, he does want a strong co-parenting relationship with her.

It is a pretty awkward situation when I'm having a visit with the baby and she's there. Luckily, we had a relationship with each other before the baby was born so that helps. There have been some words said since the birth that weren't so nice on either of our parts because her family stated my son forced her into drugs. Which was not the case. But we are mending the relationship back.

It must difficult when he is blamed. My son almost married some years ago but discovered that his fiance was taking cocaine and the relationship eventually fell apart. Her family blamed him, though he has never taken drugs and indeed is very anti-drug. I think that people need somebody to blame as they often find it hard to believe that their offspring can be responsible for their own addiction.
Sadly there could be some truth in the baby's family's accusations or there may not, it is always hard to tell as addicts are unreliable. Naturally you are no more inclined to believe bad of your son than they are of their daughter.
Either way, if the baby's mum is not getting proper help with her addiction it is possible that things could go downhill and they may be grateful for your help later.
New mothers are very naturally very possessive about their babies, all you can do is stay in regular contact and not expect her to hand over her new baby to somebody outside the family.

The bit about sleep time should read - sleep time. Other than when Mum is asleep other people may be able to influence her.

The baby is just over a month old. He should not be alone with anyone without his mother, no matter the relationship or the situation in the family.

Why are you insisting on seeing the baby in your home? Visiting your DIL in her mother's home, which is the infant's home would be far better for the child.

Please tread very carefully here. If you put up your DIL's back, or her mother's you will find yourself banned from seeing your grandson, as like as not.

Grandparents have no legal right to see or be with a grandchild, you know.

I believe the best way to create and sustain a good relationship with your grandchild is to put the same effort into developing your relationship with the baby’s parents. It will take time and goodwill, but the reward will be worth it.

I have practised what I preach and now have an excellent relationship with the parents of my co-parented grandchild, which means I am significantly involved in the child’s life.

Good luck.