Sick of being fobbed off by son and dil

I don’t think it matters how close you are geographically. It depends on how your relationship was with them before they had any children. Especially your DIL. If you weren’t close before, they probably just don’t feel very comfortable with you going around more than you used to. I don’t mean that to upset you, but I remember when I had my Son and I felt so uncomfortable with my In-Laws, that never once came to see me or their Son for a visit (they don’t even know how many siblings I have or remember the name of the town I moved from for their Son) but all of a sudden they wanted to nip round all the time when my Son was born. They also lived 10 minutes away, so it wasn’t like they couldn’t make the time to travel.

Offer of cooking does work sometimes.
I have had family over for "early supper with no expectation to stay on". It is often taken up.
Good luck.
X

To add - It can be difficult because we either know about or read, including on Gransnet, families that are very close and loving, but there are also some with total estrangement or other nastinesses. Managing to "make ones own life" has to be the answer and can have the effect that when they see that they are more rather than less likely to keep contact.

I’m looking for other similar grandparents who care for grandchildren in west London. Most Fridays I have my two young grandchildren (aged 4 and 2) with me in Chiswick. Now a new baby is on the way with my second son and dil - and I hope to be helpful to them too. Are there other Grannies? Or Nonnas or Babcias or Abuelas who’d like to join us? Or granddads? In the mornings I go to soft play areas and Chiswick house, the river and the various play-parks. Lunch at noon, nap until 3.00 then nursery pick up - dinner and by then my sun usually comes to collect them or sometimes I take them a few stops on the bus to his home. I’d love to contact others like me so we could have a little granny network in this area. Anyone interested?

*my son (duh)

I think you need to start your own thread Babciabuela

You couldn't have chosen a less appropriate place to ask that one

silverlining48

I wasn’t that close to my in laws. We were very different people but they were my dh parents. We visited them and invited them to our home regularly because they were our children’s grandparents.
We were busy too, we do know about having young children, having brought up our own, but always made a point of finding the time for their grandparents and always made them welcome.

You said it!👏🏻👏🏻 We were busy then like they are now but still made time to see the parents and grandparents.I think younger people are more selfish now tbh and that’s all there is for it.
Don’t know your age Londonlyra but be careful offering childcare, am only late fifties and do a tiring physical job and childcare for DGC and it’s more than enough.If you do, offer one day a week.If they don’t want it and pay for childcare instead ask them over to yours now and then for some lunch or suggest you go to theirs and help make lunch? Really tho you can’t keep in doing that if you get knocked back every time.It’s a real sad situation.

Why is the expectation on people to work to maintain relationships with difficult people

Rather than

An expectation on difficult people to change their behaviours to maintain their relationships

Such backwards logic

Londonlyra it may seem hard just now but remember you are in this for the long term. My parents didn't see much of my children as babies 200miles + away and they were both still working. They came up trumps when my kids were older.And the relationship they had with them was great. My mum also was very close to her great grandchildren. You don't know what will happen in the future. Just stay as open as you can. Don't be resentful. Do things which make you happy and fulfilled. I'm sure one day they will turn to you .

Vs

Exactly

Maybe you could offer your services to a local school as a granny helper. My parents did this for years and read stories to groups or listened to readers. They felt useful and were often greeted by children in the street.

silverlining48

I wasn’t that close to my in laws. We were very different people but they were my dh parents. We visited them and invited them to our home regularly because they were our children’s grandparents.
We were busy too, we do know about having young children, having brought up our own, but always made a point of finding the time for their grandparents and always made them welcome.

Exactly that's what we did FiL had very slow (20 year ) progression alzheimers so obviously that was awkward at times . But we were a different generation .

Don`t know if this can help Londonlyra

but I have 4 grandchildren, from 25, to 13, dil been a stay at home mum, I so wanted to be involved, but not to be seen as interfering,
as far as I am aware, no problems, we visited etc.. but not involved with gks. only one ever stay over..

now 13 year old , girl, having problems with panic attacks etc.. schooling, and dil asked me to help out by having gd stay with me! I held my tongue as no close relationship with gd whatsover..

I just though, perhaps dils can be like that.. not easy...

All these varying views! I lived quite a distance from my home area and the onus was on myself and DH to make the journey to see our offspring’s grandparents who luckily lived fairly near each other. They rarely visited us, being older and eventually not so mobile. I thought it important for my children to be close to their wider families especially their grandparents. I was brought up away from mine in a time where travel was not so easy. I didn’t want the same for them. I feel for this lady but it is what it is. Perhaps her DS and DIL don’t realise what their child is missing out on! Despite past history, time is a great healer. Her GC might express the wish one day to see her grandma, like other children do (peer pressure is a good leveller!) and it will be up to the parents to deal with that request.

My son got with woman that we instantly took a dislike to each other. I felt she also looked me down and she made no bone about not liking the north east. I smiled for my son’s sake and bit my lip. Then they got married still very strained Christmas dinner was fun with her family at their house lol she made stuff up about me so we didn’t speak for few years. Come lockdown she had a baby I actually said to my other son we won’t see baby. We did 5 months later but that was only because we were in lockdown. I filled a box of baby things personalised etc and my son said she cried when she received the parcel and now we go shopping together I stay at their house for few days baby sit my 2yr granddaughter and she even rings me up. So I’d say never give up keep trying and keep the contact. Have you tried reaching out to your daughter inlaw because I get more out of mine than I do my sons lol

Londonlyra - I'm just so sorry you are having such a painful time. It is really difficult to know what approach to use when there is rejection of this kind. It can feel that whatever you say or do is loaded and that you will get it wrong as far as they are concerned, whatever you say. I can only suggest as I was told long ago re. painful situations: 'Hold the people with love in your heart and then let them go.' It's had some surprising results.

Op,

Being practical, how far do you live from them?

London is huge and who would go where to babysit?

I think it’s very sad Londonlyra. I don’t think you are being selfish- it is not that difficult with one child to visit a grandparent , for heavens sake. One of my sons lives in Wiltshire, has 4 children, one profoundly disabled , he’s a surgeon, dil is a working nurse - yet they still find time to visit us - we also visit them- Your son should try to understand that a good relationship with grandparents can be so valuable for the child’s development. Perhaps when/if they have more children - they will understand. If it is true that they think you are too poor to matter, well- that says far more about them than about you- it is frankly disgraceful and hurtful. Have you any other children to help you and love you? 🤗💐

My 2 older children had a hard time because their father and I divorced and were overseas. They are now nearly 70
and i have great grandchildren. Due to
Living overseas I do not see much of my gramdcbildren or GG. But we have a family Whatsapp group to swap and dotes and post photos. I send money to buy them presents and generslly keep in touch. In Londonlyra’s case it would not be difficult to arrange contact a few times a yesr. I think this poor grandma has a case and i always get sad for grandmas who long to see their little ones. Parents need to think that it is important for their children to know their grandparents and i think if i was Londonlyra i would be calling her son or emailing him to tell him how much she would like to see her grandchild. Grans here often seem to side with the children who do not seem to understand how some grsndparents long to see their grandchildren. It does not bother me because i keep busy and my family circs do not mean i can just pop over for a visit.

This is sad, but I am not sure you can do anything to change the situation.

You say you and your son have had a difficult relationship since his father died. Your DIL can't be expected to think that this is her husband's fault at all, or even in part. And if, as so often happens these days, she is not close to her own parents, she may have no desire to get to know you, or see the necessity for grandparents in their child's life.

Stop inviting them and near Christmas send a present for the child and a card to the parents. Most people are willing to accept gifts for their children , and a present to the child and a card to them signalss' that you still want to keep in touch.

All youngsters are so busy these days and most only keep up with friends and family via social media. To our generation this is the same as not keeping in touch, but not to them.

If it makes a difference that you are less wealthy than they are, and it might well, if either your son or DIL are snobbish, or like so many in their generation primarily concerned with monetary wealth as conferring status, then honestly you are better off not seeing them.

None of this will make you feel better, I fear, but by not being seen to be "pushing" or "nagging" them, if this is what they feel you are doing, there is a slim possibility that they might come round to inviting you.

Do you smoke? Most young parents won't let their babies anywhere near smokers or their homes now, and some feel the same way about a home that has pets.

If it is any help, there are tons of other grandparents facing the same dilemma.

It is not necessarily your fault at all. Most young people today are happy to live their own lives without bothering about family. Again no consolation, except that again, this has nothing to do with anything you may have done, or said.

In a couple of months time your granddaughter will celebrate her first birthday. Perhaps this would be an opportunity to see your granddaughter? Her parents might have a little party for her and invite you, but you can also send a card or a gift if that doesn't transpire. Perhaps your son could make videos or send photos of her progress - first steps, eating by herself etc. I know young families are very busy these days. I am fortunate to have my daughter and her family living fairly close to me, and we see each other most Sunday afternoons, but sometimes they just have too much going on, and there is a lot to be packed into a weekend. I wish you all the best. My son fell out with me for long periods of time when he was younger. I really never knew why, but now that he is married with children the rift seems to have been mended.

This completely resonates with me. My grandson is now 6, grand daughter 3. They made it clear that my offers of help with the grandson were not required. To add insult to injury - same 'rejection' when granddaughter was born. This time DIL had a cesarean and I knew they needed help so sent my son a substantial cheque so they could pay for childminders, home help etc. And they made full use of the money by paying the other grandmother to come and help out with above. Talk about a kick in the teeth! Three years down the line the situation has not improved. I don't feel I know my grandchildren at all as I hardly see them. And no, there has been no falling out as such. Have given up by now and I volve myself with other things.

My grandson is 3 and they live in Canada but every Sunday we FaceTime and I chat to him and he knows who I am . Is it possible to set up a day and time you could chat to your granddaughter and of course Mam and dad too

I would be phoning, just a quick chat and superficial but regular. Remind them if they are your side of town that they can pop in and hope you can do the same if you are their way. Relationships are complex and a baby doesn't always heal a rift so just go with it for now. Either that or just come straight out with it and ask if everything is ok and ask why it feels like they keep you at arms length and rarely let you see the bairn. Tell them it hurts your feelings but remember that you may not agree with their replies. Don't argue over it though. Once harsh words are exchanged its never easy getting back on track.

Obviously her parents are not around…she may have had a bad relationship with them.
If you can’t rectify the problem,then maybe write letters to your grandchild. Perhaps at Xmas and on the birthday.
Deposit the letters with a solicitor to be given to child when adult. Don’t ever criticise the parents but talk about your life.
Good luck