Sick of being fobbed off by son and dil

One of my 3 Dils has no parents or grandparents of her own and contrary to what I thought, she is the least keen to include us, now just me, in her life and her DC lives.
My son keeps the contact but whenever I phone she puts me straight through to my son.

Families eh?

I have a good relationship with son and DiL BUT my offers of childcare were also rejected and I was deeply hurt. In their defence and looking back on that time, they needed absolutely secure and regular care locally (I’m one hour away) as they have pressured professional careers. It didn’t damage my relationship with my grandchildren who now stay over regularly (10 and 8 years) so alls well that ends well but I can still remember feeling rejected and the tears I shed. If only our children could grasp our overwhelming love for grandchildren.

Oh Fael what an absolute kickin the teeth for you that’s hideous

Maybe you need to mends things with your son first? It could, look like you were not interested before there was a little one. Invite him for lunch and them make overtures to the Mum alone. Baby steps and then offer to babysit.

Primrose53, I like your suggestion to meet up somewhere. There are so many parks and interesting places in London that you could meet half way. Maybe they'd enjoy a picnic - and later on, perhaps tour some galleries or museums? It takes the sting out of awkward family encounters if there's something to do on neutral ground - and it's much easier to escape home when it suits.

Londonlyra Story of my life. Wish I’d had a daughter instead of a son!! They always tend towards her parents, but when I mention that they might come to visit us the response is always “too busy with work etc” Our way around the problem, go to see them instead…..

Can understand your desperation to meet your GD. The famiky sutuation just doesn't seem to lend itself to trekking either way over London when yoh say contact was infrequent beforehand. Woukd you son, DIL oerhaos be willing send pictures of GC so you can at least visibly follow her growing up. Unless of course pictures without physical contact would make you feel worse. What has gone before sadly can't be undone. Live your life, you never know situation may change.

Londonlyra
I am so sorry to hear this. I am a grandparent of two baby girls one each of my two sons and partners. For twenty years before the baby arrived my older son and I had struggled with our relationship because of disapproval from my son (it's a long story.) I was invited to his wedding (I was so happy to have the invitation) and to meet their new born daughter at 3 weeks postnatal. I know I can get over excited in relation to seeing my granddaughter's once every few months, so I try to calm myself down and not be an off putting guest. I can see how hugely busy they are with both working full time and have many friends and a good social life. Also nurturing their sweet daughter which they put enormous energy into, quite rightly. I am an older Nan at 75+ so I am not as agile (arthritis) as I'd like to be. I do get down on the floor to play with the girls.
Could you write a letter to your son. My son suggested doing that because we often got tense with each other on the phone. I received a letter from him which spoke of his difficult feelings growing up and I found some of that painful but I tried very hard not to become defensive. Listening is so important when it feels like one's efforts as a mother are being criticised. It's hard but worth it. Once my older son realised what the demands of being a parent are even with both parents supporting each other (I was a single parent which in itself made my son angry. Things have definitely got better between us. Sorry about long post!

VioletSky

I would focus on your son and healing the relationship between you

Take away any pressure with offers to babysit or requests to see the baby

Focus on him, make the relationship stronger again, talk to him, ask him what he needs from you to be closer again

The best way to have a good relationship with the grandchildren is to have a good relationship with the parents

Exceptionally sound advice. Offers of childcare from an adult with whom you have a strained relationship ? Of course they e turned that down. What did you expect ? Even offering in that circumstances seems particularly entitled to thik they’d even consider it. Focus your attention on two things - minding your own life and filling it with things that aren’t your so. And his family , and gently and slowly trying mend your relationships with your son on his terms. It’s the only way you’ll ever have a relationship with your granddaughter

I just think that if you are the mother of a son than you are going to play second fiddle to your dil family and even more so when Grandchildren arrive.
I don't have Grandchildren yet but if the wedding is anything to go by I'm expecting it tbh .
I've always had a close relationship with my son but it seems now that my dil speaks for him and makes all the decisions.
Naturally she's closer to her own mother and family , fair enough .
I have a busy full life and I enjoy the time we get to spend together and grit my teeth quite a lot because I know if I say what I really think than I'd probably not see him again . Mothers of sons eh , that's what happens sometimes.

They must be mad!
Keep in touch (not too pushy) and sometimes offer to visit or see them out somewhere - it would enrich the baby and your life - such a shame but their loss at the end of the day…

Honestly, it just sounds like you weren’t that close to begin with, and now they have a young child you’re even less of a priority. It may hurt, but you can’t force an idealised grandmother relationship on the situation. If they didn’t want to come round before, why would that have changed now it’s harder?

That must have been so hurtful. Lots of people have advised what not to do and only that sorting out the relationship with your son was the only possible fixer. Just had one idea - what about getting them on a video telephone call like WhatsApp?

In bygone days people just turned up, but now everyone has a phone it is easy to put people off without having to come face to face. It seems mandatory to make appts just to visit now and I am guilty of buying into this culture myself. My only suggestion would be take a chance and just go over there and hope they let you in. If they don't nothing will have changed and it will take a brave person who will refuse to let you in.

Please do not go and visit unannounced, no matter how desperate the chances are

There is always a lot to lose when contact is forced

This must be very hurtful not having the relationship with your child that you envisioned. But I think you are glossing over the most important issues. You didn’t see them much as a couple before the baby. Now you are expecting the relationship to be completely different simply because you desire it to be. Life just doesn’t work that way. They aren’t “mad” because they haven’t adjusted their lives to suit what you want out of the relationship. It’s not some over-simplistic hard rule that states the mothers of sons will be second fiddle either. These are cop outs. Remember that the expectation of a different relationship post baby may not have been an idea you all shared. Work on building back the relationship with your son organically. That would be the place to start.

lyleLyle

This must be very hurtful not having the relationship with your child that you envisioned. But I think you are glossing over the most important issues. You didn’t see them much as a couple before the baby. Now you are expecting the relationship to be completely different simply because you desire it to be. Life just doesn’t work that way. They aren’t “mad” because they haven’t adjusted their lives to suit what you want out of the relationship. It’s not some over-simplistic hard rule that states the mothers of sons will be second fiddle either. These are cop outs. Remember that the expectation of a different relationship post baby may not have been an idea you all shared. Work on building back the relationship with your son organically. That would be the place to start.

Agreed. What seems “mad” is that op expected to
Be regular childcare over nursery for a couple with whom they had a strained relationship and barely saw previously. Their having a baby didn’t change ops relationship with her son and his wife at all but she seems to have expected it
Would, like some sort of magic wand. That’s just not the reality.
I would
Advice strongly against just turning. Up
And
Hoping they’re brave enough to let you in as some
Have suggested op. Sounds like a good way to be intrusive and manipulative. It certainly wouldn’t win you any favors in already strained relationship