“You’re here to help not to have cuddles”

My offspring lives just around the corner and I never contact them first. They contact me when they want to. We have a messenger page where we share things that suit and check it out when we have time. But they do surrender my things of old age as I surrender their things of youth. We just change the subject if things don't go smoothly. It works for us.

My D asked for no baby words to be spoken to my two GD's I was upset at the time, been a first time Gran,
They both speak very well getting top marks in English. It is not the worst idea.

Our children, grandchildren and GGC are near, do come round often. However, we'd never pop in without an invitation - we do want more grandchildren and surely don't wish to intrude!

I was thinking more of the right to be in your dressing gown in front of rubbish on the TV, but you have a point there, too .

Doodledog

My children aren't geographically close enough to drop in, but I would never just land on someone, however emotionally close we were. People have a right to a private life, and that includes parents and adult children.

Indeed.

Our children, grandchildren and GGC are near, do come round often. However, we'd never pop in without an invitation - we do want more grandchildren and surely don't wish to intrude!

This sound very familiar to me. Looking back I think it may have been due to the high anxiety of being a parent for the first time. I was asked not to wear perfume ( fair point ), not to use certain words one being ‘observed’ and I accidentally mentioned that the baby had been a bit crotchety and was told not to use that word. I don’t even know why I said it be because it’s not a word I ever use. Oh and many other rules and instructions. I also learnt never to give any advice unless you are asked and even then choose your words very carefully because you are treading on eggshells. It was very different when I looked after my great nieces as their mummy just said to treat them as I did my own. We had a very lovely and easy time. Be patient, understanding and supportive and enjoy this wonderful time.

My children aren't geographically close enough to drop in, but I would never just land on someone, however emotionally close we were. People have a right to a private life, and that includes parents and adult children.

(As opposed to the paternal grandmother with my son and DIL)

Oreo

Summerlove

You do show up unannounced ? And others do it to you?

What if you had plans? Or we’re watching a movie?

I don’t get it.

Some of us have good relationships with our adult kids and amazingly we can pop in to see them anytime and they do the same with us. Shocking ain’t it?😁
It’s called dropping in for a cuppa.

I do this with my daughter and one of my sons. I always message my other son and DIL though, I think it may the the maternal grandmother aspect of our relationship.

undines

I'm continually struck by the rudeness, lack of respect and arrogance of this generation. What, in the way we have brought them up, has encouraged them to take that attitude? Having said this, son is probably out of his mind at the moment. Some DILs resent their husband's mum on principle and are bent on total control even when there is no threat from Mum. (I speak from experience!) Everything gets magnified when there is a new baby and understandably the new parents can be on edge when everyone wants to snuggle their vulnerable little bundle. I would be very mild and detached, help in practical ways and not expect major fulfilment in life to come through adult children because in my experience they disappoint - and that's even though I have earnestly tried to do the right thing!

But of course your major fulfillment in life SHOULDNT come from adult children ? Perhaps your problem
Hasn’t been disappointing ac but that your expectations are off base? Your adult
Children shouldn’t be the source of your fulfillment at all. What a terrible burden to attempt to put on them

I'm continually struck by the rudeness, lack of respect and arrogance of this generation. What, in the way we have brought them up, has encouraged them to take that attitude? Having said this, son is probably out of his mind at the moment. Some DILs resent their husband's mum on principle and are bent on total control even when there is no threat from Mum. (I speak from experience!) Everything gets magnified when there is a new baby and understandably the new parents can be on edge when everyone wants to snuggle their vulnerable little bundle. I would be very mild and detached, help in practical ways and not expect major fulfilment in life to come through adult children because in my experience they disappoint - and that's even though I have earnestly tried to do the right thing!

"You are here as the maid, not as the grandma" - is how it sounded to me. Not nice.

I actually think your son was rude.

That is so Rude !
If that was my Son or daughter I would be having a few words about that !
We all know how useful Grandparents are with the children ! How dare he talk to yo like that ! What does “ Grandad “ say
Sorry for the rant but I am very disgusted at that remark !

Had similar from my family.
I just did what I was allowed to do.
Eventually (and it was a long time) I was allowed to baby sit. I noted everything that happened by time, baby gurned baby opened eyes, baby moved etc and gave it (the paper) to them on their return. They also phoned me every 30 mins.
This was a long time ago and I think it was every 30 mins they phoned.
Eventually trust is gained, just in time for school and that is a different set of rules.

Oh yes, hormones all over the place, elderly people being downright rude to their carers, ill spouses showing no consideration for their husbands and wives!

Call me unreasonable if you want, but life was a good deal easier when we all at least tried to practise the good manners and consideration of others' feelings we had been taught.

Obviously, no grandparent or either sex should rush in and start doing everything as they think best, but these new parents who have been encouraged by whom? Facebook?their friends who likewise are new parents? to make lists of do's and don'ts for the consumption of their parents and other relatives are downright rude and inconsiderate.

Reading all the comments makes me rather nervous about becoming a grandmother to my son and his fiancée’s children should they decide to have any! I am Nana to my DD’s four and found it a relaxed and happy experience. I did/still do whatever is needed to help out, with lots of cuddles! I followed her routines etc but was not afraid to suggest alternatives especially when I can see she’s struggling! She can be quite sharp so I didn’t exactly have a pushover! I assumed that this would be ok with my future DIL when/if the time comes. I am close to my darling son and feel I can be open with him. I know he would love to be a father one day. I am aware that his fiancée has had a difficult time with her own mother, although they are fairly close now. She left her, her siblings and their father when the children were quite young and I think that this has affected my future DIL somewhat, particularly as her mother tells her not to have children as they ruin your life! I think I will have to tread very sensitively there, despite the fact they both tell me that I would be very much needed as the other mum does not like babies or children!

I wonder what sort of relationship you have had previously with DIL? Have there been frictions in the past? Otherwise cannot understand DS's comments. Think you should maybe ask for an explanation, what are the correct words???
I would just make sure to continually ask DIL what you can do to help and stress that you're prepared to do anything and everything, cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing, ironing etc and always ask if it's alright to give baby a cuddle before doing so. Take care not to step on any toes and enjoy new baby.

Let all of this wash over you. Life is too short. So long as you are being generally helpful and not just all gooey gooey over the baby and taking over I am sure this is a phase that will pass. I would have a casual chat about how your actions may not meet their expectations and tell them both by all means they must tell you if you appear to be overstepping the mark whilst gently reminding them of course that you are simply enjoying being with them all and being a granny.
I wonder if there is a little post partum anxiety or depression though in which case she would need to seek help.

LovelyCuppa

A bit of time and tolerance will go a long way here. DILs don’t always find it easy to say things directly to MILs so she may well just be voicing through your son that she’d prefer visitors didn’t try to take the baby off her. He won’t be saying you can never cuddle, just that going in with the mentality of helping with their needs not focussing on your own will make her feel at ease more quickly. Try not to take it personally 😊. She’ll still be working out what she’s comfortable with and finding her voice, and in time I’m sure she’ll be delighted for you to cuddle the baby.

This ^

Be proud you raised him to be taking care of his wife's needs.

Also, your son is doing a great job trying to look after his wife’s feelings at this time. That will be a great support for her. You must be very proud 😊.

A bit of time and tolerance will go a long way here. DILs don’t always find it easy to say things directly to MILs so she may well just be voicing through your son that she’d prefer visitors didn’t try to take the baby off her. He won’t be saying you can never cuddle, just that going in with the mentality of helping with their needs not focussing on your own will make her feel at ease more quickly. Try not to take it personally 😊. She’ll still be working out what she’s comfortable with and finding her voice, and in time I’m sure she’ll be delighted for you to cuddle the baby.

I’m assuming this is a newborn? Many people (not just grandparents) get swept up in the fact that a new baby has been born and seem to completely forget that the mother, father and their baby need to bond as a nuclear family. The baby is learning who their parents are and the fact that they can trust them most in the world so it should never be assumed that anyone can sweep in and demand cuddles. The other point is, this is not about your opportunity to meet the baby, the number 1 priority is the mother and baby’s recovery (labour is called labour for a reason)
If you want to form a close bond with your grandchild and not face resentment from your son and his partner; best to give them space and go see them when it’s convenient for them and when you go in, before cooing all over the baby - ask DIL how she is feeling and if she needs you to do anything for her and tell her you think she’s going to be an amazing mother. She needs support and reassurance. Then ask to see the baby (and she will likely offer you the cuddle you want)
Many MILs feel put out because they feel like maternal grandparents end up with more access than paternal grandparents but it’s normally because a paternal grandparents main focus is seeing the baby whereas a maternal grandparents main priority is her daughter.
Show your DIL you care about her first and foremost and it will only serve you well in the long run.

If the grandparent is only going into see a small new Baby to “get as many cuddles as they want”
The parents may well prefer they booked a holiday instead. And it’s not a new concept either.

When my own grown children were small and brand new my mil made it quite clear her idea of helping was to hold my brand new babies for hours on end while I cooked and cleaned. And as such when she offered up her “help” as more babies came along she found her offers declined in favor of my own mum who came to truly help - help worth laundry, errands , cooking and looking after older sibs while baby and I recovered and cuddled and nursed and napped. Mil booking a holiday as of her help would have been missed would have been a dream come true

Callistemon21, yes, I had four kids, but still I'm rather scared of handling the fragile, crying, frog-like newborns. I much prefer them from about six months onwards. Well, that's far better than the other way around, surely?

I don't think I'd feel too welcomed by warnings about using the right language - so I'd probably take a back seat, anyway, and maybe wait for them to visit me.

Callistemon21 - nor do I!
❤️