Unsure about friends behaviour

Fantastic advice from you all, thank you very much! It just feels so disloyal of my friend to purposely seek these people out - in the guise of “ checking in and seeing what’s going on” when I know she’s not interested, just wants gossip from this other person. Always tells me she will keep my confidence though. After reading your advice, I’ve decided to back away from this friendship a bit. Sad, as we’ve been close friends for a while. Thank you again

Doodledog

If someone is gossiping about others, you can be sure they are gossiping about you, too.

I would stop saying anything to this colleague that you don't want others to hear. I know it's often helpful to offload about work or other stresses, but it's better to choose someone out of the loop, so nothing will come back to bite you.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Woo33

Thanks for your reply but truly, she isn’t! She often agrees with me!

She might agree with you to your face so as not to upset you.
Is she telling others what you've said, or just checking that they're alright?
BTW, just a little nitpick, but there are men in the group, too!

Talk to us instead of your co-worker. We give great advice. Try not to worry. Hug.

It does sound like she does like to wooden spoon it.

I have a good friend who I do not tell private things to very much and if I do, I emphasise that it is indeed private, not to be passed on. She is not malicious but loves to have things to tell to - maybe - just one other person. So in my mind it is not really a matter of thinking she is stirring or up to something - just that she likes having 'news' to share with people. So I am cautious but remain her friend.

Two faced springs to mind. x

You don't know she's passing on what you said, she may just be 'checking in' or whatever she says.
As you're worried, tho, just stop that line of talk with her.

I work with someone like her. She’s playing it from both sides. Be careful what you say.🤐

I have had something similar with my staff one would tell the other stuff and the other would trot off to the other and say I can’t say who told me but if you want to talk about it I’m here etc. I soon had the other one in my office and I said to her I think you’re over sharing and be careful what you say. I also spoke to other one and said if you not careful what you repeating will get you into trouble one day and I don’t want bad feelings between staff. Nothing more was said but I can’t say what they said on phones etc. but the one carrying the the message didn’t realise she was carrying she thought she was being middle and helping maybe that’s what your friend thinks too

If you 'are not sure she has my best interests at heart' -she is not really a friend...

nope. You may have thought you were close friends, in fact you have been being gossip fodder

I have a team manager that has a very loose tongue in that she will tell me what other team members have said to her so I know she must do the same about me. It is quite unnerving especially as she is a manager and that what you may tell her in confidence could be passed to others.

You've just described a former colleague/friend of mine. Eventually she left and I realised what a stirrer she had been. If you need a confidant let it be your DH or non-work based colleague.

Be careful what you share at work and with whom. I have this colleague who constantly picked on me at every opportunity, any work that needed doing she will avoid but ensured I get the job done instead !

I have had enough one day and confided to another colleague whom I viewed as wise and nice .

Unknown to me at the time, the one I confided was best friends with the one who was tormenting me….

My tormentor did backed off for a while but has now resumed her nonsense … so lesson learned…

I don't see work colleagues the same as personal friends because work colleagues all have to get on and work together in some capacity.

A phrase which comes to mind is 'Run with the horse and hunt with the hounds'. Lots of people do this, intentionally or not, so at the end of the day I feel it's best to base work friendships on something other than talking about other colleagues, no matter how good or bad they are.

You can be certain that if you gossip about someone else, there is an extremely high chance someone else will be gossiping about you too.

I feel it's best to stay quiet and keep your feelings about work colleagues to yourself and instead discuss more general stuff with work friends. That's what they are - friends at work - so best to keep personal stuff zipped up.

ive always found to my cost that people who call people call you also. Keep your friends close ,but your enemies closer i find good advice.

It's not been an issue over the past 'many years' so what's changed? Is she behaving differently or have you suddenly become aware of how she operates? I'd say a bit less perhaps but as you have seen her as a good friend for so long, unless she's changed suddenly, I'd not rock the boat. Perhaps you have become more self aware recently. X

Keep her at arms length. Some people feel a sense of power when they can liaise with two opposing sides. I would keep all opinions to yourself and just talk about general things.

Lemongrass, don't let anyone torment you.
if she is the same level as you, what are you scared of, what can she do. tell her to f**K off.
say, it's your turn to do that.
maybe you come across as too nice, a pushover.
well, be the worm that turned.
that'll learn em !

My Mum taught me to not gossip and not to listen to it either. I hate gossip and will have nothing to do with anyone who gossips

I would stop talking to her about co-workers and other people you both might know. You'll soon enough experience if she values you for who you are (then nothing will change in her behaviour) or if she hangs on to you specifically to hear all these titbits - then she will distance herself from you and look out for another person who can provide her with ins&outs of the office.

Agree wellbeck!

People love to gossip and there’s always a town-cryer to help spread the news to others. Pretty soon everyone knows your business. This often causes very a negative work place for everyone. It’s called triangulation. It breaks down the morale of the staff.

You’ll find that once you stop confiding in her she may turn against you. So unfortunate. Offices are filled with people like this.

Trust your intuition and consider keeping your own counsel.