My mother is dying

Bless you. Its lovely for you to tell us that you have been to see her.... i always say have no regrets, yes hold her hand and tell her you love her, absolutely.

Thoughts with you and your dear mum.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through LaCrepescule. I lost my mother 18 mos ago. She was one week shy of 101, sharp until the final couple days. I miss her every day and what you are going through has brought back those last days with her. I've often wished I could have one more hour with her, sitting there holding her hand again stroking her cheek and speaking to her. I would tell her what a wonderful mother she'd been, that I will always remember her and miss her and that she could go when she was ready, that I would be ok.
I will be thinking of you and your mother.

I know exactly how you feel LaCrepescule .

I find comfort in going out for a couple of hours .
I avoid people , who make me feel low .
I don't want to keep on talking about his condition .
I like to pray .
And on Pinterest I access and save bible quotations and that helps me .

I've never had a great relationship with my father and he's deteriorating .
He shouts out impatient commands and never stops complaining about every single thing .
He can be so insulting .
I have to remember that he's never been normal even when devastatingly handsome and super fit - he certainly attracted people .

I end the day with soft words even if he snarls at me .
Take care and look after yourself .

Thank you for sharing your experiences. Your mum sounds wonderful Sukie and Esmay I wish you strength in dealing with your dad. I keep thinking about mum lying twisted in her bed, nil by mouth and barely able to move. I just want to be with her and to hold her hand and caress her cheek. To sing to her and see a faint smile appear. A priest will be going to see her and that will bring her some comfort.
Maybe I should ask her if she feels it’s time to go. Or should I wait a few days to see if there’s any improvement? The best that can happen is that’s she’s able to swallow and can sit up. But then she’ll spend the rest of her days unable to care for herself and confined to bed. I don’t know what’s best for her 😢
Thank you for listening to me; it really helps to know that you lovely people know what we’re goi g through 🙏

Sending you love Crespescule as you endure this most terrible time. The death of your mother is always hard, and even more difficult if there have been difficulties in the past. Take comfort from the fact that you stayed the course with her, keep talking in the hope that she hears you still, and , afterwards, treat yourself with compassion and care.

I have been following your story
LaCrepescule and my thoughts are with you and your lovely Mum . I lost my Mum some years ago she was 92 and I will always miss her, she was an amazing woman.
All I can do is endorse all that has been said on GN , hold her hand and tell her how much you love her. Forget any problems there may have been in the past - it is now that matters. ' Is it time to let her go' that's a difficult one and whatever happens please know you have done the very best you can . Sadly my plan to be at my mother's side when she died did not materialize, that is a source of deep regret to me. I send you strength and ((( hugs))) . Keep posting if that helps and know that everyone on GN following your story feels for you and your Mum . 💐💐

I wasn't there when my mum died. She developed pneumonia and went very quickly (and unexpectedly). I take comfort from the fact that the nurses said as they were treating her she kept removing the oxygen mask and saying "Don't call my daughter!". They did but she died before I got there. That was mum, bossy until the last, but not wanting to bother me.
You really don't know what will happen now LaCrepescule just take each day as it comes and try to get through them. Things can change so quickly. Hope you are coping.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, LaCrepescule. When my mother was very ill, we were called home from Northern Ireland because she wasn’t expected to last the night. We didn’t get there until next morning - when she was sitting up in bed knitting a sweater for my then young son! She died a few days later. I was given the unfinished sweater, but it remained unfinished as every time I picked it up, I couldn’t bring myself to do anything with it. I never had an easy relationship with my mother, and she was both surprised and delighted that someone was daft enough to marry me, and that we gave her two grandchildren. If I had that time with her again, I’d try harder to be the daughter she would have liked, but you can’t salve your conscience after the event.

I am sorry you are in this sad situation.
Ask to speak with the consultant rather than the junior doctors. My experience of consultants when DH was dying was very reassuring that they would follow the best course of action and I met with nothing but kindness at that level.
I was not there when my mum died but I had said my goodbyes the evening before. Sometimes it seems people almost wait till their family have left before they let go.
You are doing what you can. It is à difficult time, so try to get some sleep when you can.

So sorry to read this. My \ma died in 2014 and I still miss and talk to her everyday. Time softens the hurt though and I have lots of times now when I chuckle at memories.

Wasn't it Princess Anne who fairly recently said of her Pa, You may be prepared but you are never ready. How very true. You will be in many people's thoughts.

My mother was nearly 90 when she died about a week after a massive stroke that left her blind and paralysed down one side. The doctors didn't hold out much hope of recovery of function and I was relieved for her sake when she went. She would have hated being helpless. Condolences. Thinking of you.

Very sorry for you at this most difficult time. When she lets go to her final rest she will be out of pain and discomfort.

It's a very hard thing to go through, even if you haven't had the best of relationships with your mother. There is very little anyone can say to make the process any less painful, but my heart goes out to you. I hope your mother's passing will be peaceful when it comes. We have just lost my MiL, who had dementia, and although in her final week we knew the end was very near, it doesn't make it any easier when it actually happens. As someone says, you can be prepared, but you're never really ready for it. Take care and I hope you have family or friends around you for support.

I am so sorry to hear your sad news.
I'm sure talking to your mum about your happy times will help.
Memories can prove a source of strength too, which all your family can share.
Thinking of you and sending love.

sukie

I'm so sorry for what you're going through LaCrepescule. I lost my mother 18 mos ago. She was one week shy of 101, sharp until the final couple days. I miss her every day and what you are going through has brought back those last days with her. I've often wished I could have one more hour with her, sitting there holding her hand again stroking her cheek and speaking to her. I would tell her what a wonderful mother she'd been, that I will always remember her and miss her and that she could go when she was ready, that I would be ok.
I will be thinking of you and your mother.

Your Mum sounds lovely Sukie and I am sure if, as you say, you sat and held her hand and talked to her then she knew you loved her.

My Mum was nearly 97 and in her final days although her eyes were open they weren’t focussing. The staff said hearing is the last sense to go so I talked to her all the time and read to her. I also played her favourite music to her right close to her ear and also church services from her old home town in Ireland. She could hear the Priests tinkling the bells and would nod.
On the last day I did tell her I loved her and would see her later and she was free to go whenever she was ready as all her family would be waiting for her.

I left to pop home for a drink and the loo (It was during covid and I wasn’t allowed either in the care home) and I hadn’t been gone half an hour and they rang to say she had passed away. In the meantime my brother had popped in so she was not alone. The staff said she had waited until I left which is very common.

Will send you some positive thoughts ❤️

Just letting you know that my thoughts are with you and your mum. 💐

Have just come back to this lovely thread after a busy couple of days. I saw my mum today and took along my daughter, her only grandchild. Mum was so happy to see her (and me) and managed a little crooked smile. She can talk a little which is a blessing. She is so very compromised and I don’t think there’s much chance of any meaningful level of recovery. But I held her dear hand and kissed her over and over and I felt she was at peace.
Thank you all for sharing your precious memories with me and sending me your kind thoughts. It brings me a great deal of comfort x

LaCrepescule I lost my mother one year ago this month. I also didn’t always have an easy relationship with her but I loved her nonetheless. It is a horrible time but you do get through it. Afterwards, after the funeral and everything, then it is a difficult time. Everything reminds you of her but gradually you come to remember her without that gut wrenching pain, and it’s a bit easier. I still miss mine every single day.
Glorianny makes good points, especially about forgiving yourself, and her, for the mistakes you both made.
Go to see her every day if possible just now. It will give her comfort and you comfort later on. You’ll know you did your best.

I'm so glad to see your update LaCrepescule, you've been on my mind. It's wonderful that you and your daughter were able to spend time with your mum today and that she was able to smile and talk, even just a little. It must have been very comforting for her to have you both there and to feel your kisses while holding her hand.

I’m so sorry about your mum maddyone but your advice is so helpful. I’ve completely forgiven her for the things that she might have done and know she was only trying to do her best. Thank you sukie. Am at work but it all feels unreal but is probably a good distraction.

So sorry for you at this sad time. My Mum died suddenly at the age of 68. I had three young children and don’t know how I coped but it seems that people do.
Remember and speak to your Mum about the good times

I was pleased to see your update and hope your mum will recover sufficiently to have a satisfactory quality of life.
May I please make a small correction to my earlier post. I said my mum died in 2020 and I miss her still. It was 2000. I have felt guilty about the typo.

I am so sorry. It does not matter when you reach this point, how old your mother is.

What does matter is the fact that she has always been there and now she soon will not be there.

This hurts.

You ask is it time to let her go? Honestly, no one can answer that question for you.

My mother was in a coma for a month before she died. One day when I visited I held her hand and said, "If you want to go, Mummy, do so - M (my sister) and I will look after Daddy." I knew she had always worried about how he would cope if she died first (He coped well, as I had known he would). I could sense no reaction to my remark, but the following day she had opened her eyes and recognised my sister, then died three days later.

So perhaps your mother needs the reassurance that you are a big girl now, and can manage alone.

If she is suffering, speak to the doctors or the nursing staff and say clearly that you feel the important thing right now is to make sure your mother is in no pain, or as little pain as possible.

This statement will be understood to mean that you will not complain if an increased dosis of morphia shortens your mother's last days or hours.

Your feeling of numbness will pass, but right now it is probably preferable to feeling the need to weep constantly.

Try to think that your mother has lived a long life, and reached the point where life is becoming a burden to her.

Whatever your and her relationship has been, your post shows me clearly that you love her, and I have no doubt she loves you too. Try to remember the good times and don't blame yourself for the differences you and your mother have had.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through right now. Nothing can ever prepare us for losing a mother. It’s 31years today since my darling mum died. It still hurts massively. She was an amazing lady.
I hope with the help of you two brothers you get through this unhappy time. Sending 🤗 xxx

Just to say my MIL was in this situation 9 months ago. She's still here!