Feeling left out

Your son is in a difficult position here. His wife has given him full details but asked him not to share them. If she discovers( by a slip of the tongue maybe) that he has disrespected her wishes then she may even stop sharing info with him - at the least it will cause upset between them. I think it's natural for her to want to share all with her mum as she's obviously closer to her than you and I think your son did the wrong thing, howeverwell intentioned, in breaking her trust.

VERY few women want the same degree of closeness with their MIL as with their biological mother. Respect her and let her have some privacy.

Did Hithere get out the wrong side of the bed ?

No need I am sure to give your opinion quite so forcibly - if I were MT I would feel quite hurt

Oh, the entitlement on this thread! I’m a paternal grandmother - I don’t recognise myself here, thank goodness.

I understand totally
I am in the same situation
It is hurtful and we are the Grandparents and should be just as much involved as the other Grandparents

I think your son made a mistake when he told you the results of the scan but I don't suppose he meant to "betray" his wife or violate her privacy. I do think he should have told his wife though that he had told you when she asked him not to reveal the results. That would have been the morally right thing to do and he could have reassured her that he would not make that mistake again in the future. That would be far less damaging than lying to her by omission even if he doesn't like confrontation.

How would you have expected to be ‘involved’ in someone else’s pregnancy Bluedaisy? ‘^I only wanted to be involved ^.’ I just don’t get it.

Pregnancy is terrifying, uncomfortable and wonderful

Also full of hormones

As is having a new baby

I've never been so simultaneously exhausted and full of energy, joyously happy and miserable in my whole life

Always be a person who doesn't add stress to anyone going through that

They won't forget

Moaningturtle I understand exactly where you’re coming from, I had exactly the same problem with my DS & DDL! Her mother is a narcissist and I didn’t realise that at the time and she didn’t want me knowing anything about the pregnancy. It’s hurtful and cruel because probably the same as you I only wanted to be involved! All I can suggest is maybe do the same as I did (which didn’t work for me but might for you 🤞) is ask DS to have a word with his wife and say as the child’s grandmother you would like to be involved if possible and if there’s anything you can do for her. Maybe invite them to dinner or ask her out for lunch and tell her you’re looking forward to becoming a gran and ask her how she’s doing? Ask your son if he’s lost his backbone too on the quiet and explain to him you’re not going to give her advice, you just would like to enjoy the pregnancy with them. My DDL’s mother completely tried to get me out of the picture when my DGS was born even though she didn’t know me! There’s not a lot you can do unfortunately only ask her why she’s not wanting to involve you and see what she says but trust me when I say hindsight is a wonderful thing because nowadays I’d let them get on with it. When I look back it cost me too many sleepless nights, too much upset and stress and she wasn’t worth that! Hopefully it will work for you to talk to them about the problem, good luck.

Patience, and fingers crossed all is well with the pregnancy. That's the most important thing.

Can I have an example please Smileless?

Heavens! Isn’t life complicated these days!? So many opinions on various ‘rights’ like everything in this modern world! Personally I would have thought it was ok for this lady’s son to share concerns for a pregnancy he helped create. If that was my daughter being so miserly with her husband and his need of reassurance from his mother, I’d have a word. Why can’t we just be kind and understanding to each other instead of constantly creating division? Not much hope for getting along with our fellow men or women in the wider sense, if we can’t have empathy within our own family, which presumably husband and in-laws should be !

I love all the conclusions about the daughter in law, even though we’ve only heard from a very entitled soon to be gran. All because she shockingly goes to see her own parents every week, and feels secure confiding in her own mum and husband. She sounds downright evil

Sadly I think this GM is one of the many who will be seen to be in the wrong by her dil no matter what she does. If she shows interest in the scan she is invading privacy -if she shows no interest she'll probably be accused of being uncaring (been there, done that)

Calling people rabid feminists, or using the term feminists as an insult in general is wildly inappropriate.

Complaining that an adult woman gets to control the flow of her own medical information is wildly inappropriate.

Not saying a single kind or concerned thing about a worried expectant mother who is actually your family is callous.

Dismissing her potential worries by stating how many children you’ve had is callous. Gives the clear impression you only look at her for what is growing inside her. Shameful.

Seeing all those comments and defending them while criticizing others is the height if hypocrisy, from the usual suspects of course. Many with their own hatreds of their daughters in law, giving responses that are sure to further the OP’s family rifts. Same people always giving “advice” to OPs about what they need to tell their sons about their wives.

Some people offer comments that favor peaceful relations. Others offer comments that seek to have others join the club of aggrieved family members.

I think you defend the undefendable at times too VS and don't agree that the tone of the thread was set by the comment you quoted.

The tone of this thread is unfortunately quite common in my experience when a situation like this is discussed.

It would be better I agree Norah for the OP's son to tell his wife he'd already told his mother but when I suggested this earlier on, she did say he doesn't like conflict which makes me wonder why it would be such an issue to his wife.

Surely she realises that her husband's mother, a future GM to their child is understandably interested and excited about the baby and will want to know that all is well. It would no doubt be wrong if she wasn't.

Yes I do think that Smileless, or that she at least set the tone of the thread with that comment sadly

You don't agree, that's ok but I do think you defend the undefendable at times

MercuryQueen

Smileless2012

He didn't know when he told his mum Sara, which is why he then told her not to let her d.i.l. know that she knew.

And THAT, imo, is completely wrong of him. He should be honest with his wife, tell her that he’d already spoken with his mother, but from now on, he’ll ensure she’s okay with whatever is being shared.

When she finds out (and she will, this stuff has a way of coming out) chances are she’s going to be hurt and furious with both of them. Human nature being what it is, the OP will end up wearing it, because they have to live with each other.

Indeed, the son should have told his wife when he spoke out of turn, perhaps he could be convinced to tell her now. Clear the issue and promise to never reveal private information again?

There seem to be other small issues as well. OP wondering at dil not visiting without son - apparently, she's not comfortable with his mum, visits with son make sense. Does son visit his mil alone?

And something I haven't sussed out regarding a GC seems to be a problem for OP. Perhaps she could clarify with her son?

I'd guess clearing the air with her son may help a bit with any small misunderstandings. And keeping a low profile, not pushing.

I suggest you reread the entire thread VS if you think the OP has made the rudest comments here.

I agree it's a shame the thread's gone the way it has and like you I hope she's found some of the replies useful and that mum, dad and GM can look forward too and enjoy their new arrival.

Actually Smileless

I would challenge you to reread the first page where not a single person was rude to OP and OP has made the rudest comments on this thread starting with the one I quoted

Shame, interesting thread, I hope something did sink in and she can manage to have a good relationship with them

I did say "if"

And there were other quite rude replies

I think OP would be better off asking for support instead of asking for genuine answers...

OP's d.i.l. hasn't been responded too like this, that post is in response to some of the replies she's received.

If her d.i.l. wants total control over who can and cannot be given any information about the pregnancy, she needs to make that clear from the outset.

Scan results as Abi has posted are usually shared and celebrated. The son did nothing wrong, he didn't know. The OP feels left out and that's not a crime either.

MoaningTurtle

Laughing at the rabid feminist replies here. What a load of crap!
The baby is 50% my son’s and fyi I’m only concerned that the pregnancy is going well for all of them.
My son had already told immediately after the scan, I guess he thought it wouldn’t be a problem which is why he’s asked me not to mention it.

To be fair, OP wasn't very polite

If DIL wanting control over her own medical information is responded too like this, there will be ongoing issues

"Oh bollocks the melodrama!" I agree Grams2five. An expectant father shares news about his wife's scan and you'd think it was the end of the world because he didn't ask his wife's permission first.

I feel that communication is an issue here and I can sense that you’re taking issue with your DIL. I’d try and encourage open communication with not just your son, but with your DIL too. I can recall my MIL complaining about not being kept informed, but she hadn’t made any (very little) effort with me at all during pregnancy, there was no checking in or interest in hearing anything from me… there was a huge shift when I fell pregnant, where she no longer made effort to contact me, and only had contact with my husband. She only wanted to know when her grandchild was arriving and I truly felt used as a vessel for producing grandchildren. Unfortunately the distant relationship continued after birth and we as a family have a poorer relationship with them because of it. In light of this, I’d encourage you to mend or build on the communication between you and your son and DIL (together).

I also don’t understand why your DIL is deliberately keeping the scan private, it’s normally celebrated. But she clearly feels that there is a reason for it… have they had a previous loss? Does she have antenatal anxiety? If your not close, I can’t imagine anyone sharing something that makes them feel incredibly vulnerable.