Feeling left out

Lyle

The amazing stories you could tell!

Thanks for standing up for your patients

hollysteers

MoaningTurtle you have my sympathy. There are some very patronising and judgmental comments on this thread.
I did not get on particularly well with my domineering mother in law, but accepted that when carrying my children, her blood, DNA etc. ran through me. Some people here seem to forget that you are RELATED to your grandchildren. Grandparents are now being given rights to see their grandchildren, which is right and proper. It is not only all about the mother, whole families should be involved, without being too pressing of course.

It’s ridiculous to counterclaim that the son should likewise tell his in laws of his medical state. He’s not carrying the flesh and blood baby.
It’s common and natural for DILs not to get on with MILs, but each can show each other respect and understanding.
To my mind, the DIL has slipped up when it would have been so easy to keep the relationship sweeter. It’s not rocket science.

It’s not rocket science that being pregnant doesn’t entitle others to knowing details of your body. It’s 2023. I’m sorry you are struggling with these basic realizations, but the rest of society has moved on. The daughter in law doesn’t have to concern herself with appeasing anyone right now, least of all an uncaring, critical mother in law.

And let’s be clear on grandparent “rights”. They don’t legally exist in the UK, and what visitation is given is based on already established, regular relationships that have been abruptly stopped. Do not delude any entitled grans here into thinking they have rights over anyone’s babies. They don’t. Ask the thousands who overplayed their hand and forever lost contact. Please don’t encourage this nonsense toxicity.

MoaningTurtle

Iyle

You sound like a harsh person, not good for a nurse.

Retired but I was a great nurse in the US for decades. I’ll tell you one of the reasons: When I did L&D, and we had entitled individuals that clearly didn’t respect patient wishes, I was proud to act as a barrier for my pregnant patients. I sympathize with your DIL. I really feel for her.

MoaningTurtle

I am saying this one last time… my so did NOT betray her, he quite reasonably thought it would be ok to tell me, my DIL has no idea that he told me as she asked him not to share after he already had.
Thanks for the opinions but I’m leaving this here now!

I think people missed that bit - the fact he'd already told you before she asked him not to!

Which means he's not betraying a trust, and you're left knowing a detail you're not supposed to know. It's not that unusual for a son to confide in his mother and, in this instance, your son probably didn't do a lot of soul-searching before he told you. I don't think men always think too deeply about such things.

Your feelings are valid in that they are your feelings. There's obviously a 'history' between you and your DIL - which we are not, here on GN, party to. And that, of course, makes it difficult to give an opinion that has any real merit.

My advice would be to take a step back and try to see it from her POV - her feelings are as valid as yours, regardless.

She is carrying your son's child. However, her body is still her private property and she has a right to decide who is or isn't informed about the details - they are personal.

I didn't get on very well with my DIL - ultimately I realised that we were both very different people with different outlooks and I learned to respect the fact that we were not duty-bound to see eye to eye. We had a reasonable relationship in the end and we both made the effort to bond over the things that we did agree on, which gradually broke down the barriers somewhat and we got on as best we could. And I got to see my grandsons - she was quite happy to leave them with me to have grandparent-grandchildren time together. I'm talking in the past tense because she and my son are now going their separate ways. But I shall still maintain a relationship with her, and we've already communicated on a superficial level, but established that we are both going to be civilised about the whole matter.

I hope the pregnancy goes well and that you get to meet your new GC in the not too distant future. If you are pleasant and civilised with her then you know you are doing the right thing. The rest is up to her. Give her another chance.

MoaningTurtle

She doesn’t need my support, I am if no interest to her at all 🤨

Then leave her be and stop feeling entitled to her child and her personal info. Why do you think you have rights here?

MoaningTurtle

Iyle

You sound like a harsh person, not good for a nurse.

This is unnecessary

You asked for opinions

Lyle hasn't asked for your opinion on their ability to do their job

Easy her
She would have to be psychic then as I’m sure she doesn’t go on gransbet lol.

Iyle

You sound like a harsh person, not good for a nurse.

I am not saying you do not have the right to post.
I am saying if your son and daughter should see this thread they would be devastated by the deeply personal information you have revealed.
It explains why your daughter in law does not want her medical details discussed with you.

Hithere

Because you and your son are not the ones who are medically pregnant with rights as a patient?

What Hithere said

If son wants to tell you his wife's health issues, he needs to discuss with her

MoaningTurtle

Pregnancy isn’t an illness, I had six of my own!

Do you expect your son to divulge his private medical information to his in-laws? Also, do you expect your son to visit his pils alone?

MoaningTurtle you have my sympathy. There are some very patronising and judgmental comments on this thread.
I did not get on particularly well with my domineering mother in law, but accepted that when carrying my children, her blood, DNA etc. ran through me. Some people here seem to forget that you are RELATED to your grandchildren. Grandparents are now being given rights to see their grandchildren, which is right and proper. It is not only all about the mother, whole families should be involved, without being too pressing of course.

It’s ridiculous to counterclaim that the son should likewise tell his in laws of his medical state. He’s not carrying the flesh and blood baby.
It’s common and natural for DILs not to get on with MILs, but each can show each other respect and understanding.
To my mind, the DIL has slipped up when it would have been so easy to keep the relationship sweeter. It’s not rocket science.

She doesn’t need my support, I am if no interest to her at all 🤨

I feel for this young woman. I really do. I pray this young family is able to overcome any divisive entities trying cause issues here. I mean, you seem really play into the MIL stereotype here. So many typical quotes have been said. Please don’t continue down this path.

MoaningTurtle

It’s very common to have a low placenta, the maternity hospital are not in the least bit concerned, it could possibly mean an elective Caesarian hence the 36 week appointment.
My son will be feeling equally anxious but apparently it’s ok for his MIL to know and support him but not his own mother!
No, that isn’t right.

I’m a nurse. Whether or not something is common is of no consequence to a new mum/patient. You talk of major abdominal surgery as though she should just brush it off. It’s her body here. She’s not an incubator. She’s a person. Is that lost on you? And no, your son is not feeling exactly what she is feeling. Do you not see why she wouldn’t exactly feel close to you? You are dismissive and you judge her for basically being a human in this case. Her mother is concerned about her child. You only verbalize concern for your own desires. Of course her mother is her confidant over you. You are a woman and a mother. You are speaking of another woman as though you were a sexist man from the 1800’s. Please work on this. I have to say, you don’t sound like a great support person at all.

Pregnancy isn’t an illness, I had six of my own!

Because you and your son are not the ones who are medically pregnant with rights as a patient?

Violet Sky
Why do you not value my son and his feelings as deeply as my DILs?

I am not removing the post, I have every right to post here.

MoaningTurtle

Violet Sky.
So my son “broke confidence” by telling me about the result of the scan not knowing his wife would kick off about him doing so.
I don’t think so!

This is the heart of your problem

Yes he did. When you can accept that things my improve and you will stop upsetting yourself for no reason

It’s very common to have a low placenta, the maternity hospital are not in the least bit concerned, it could possibly mean an elective Caesarian hence the 36 week appointment.
My son will be feeling equally anxious but apparently it’s ok for his MIL to know and support him but not his own mother!
No, that isn’t right.

Wow!
I have read all the comments Moaning Turtle has made and they illustrate her antipathy and hostility towards her daughter-in-law very clearly.
I cannot see this relationship improving, and just imagine how the son and his wife would feel if they ever saw this thread.
Best to ask for the thread to be taken down.

I think the point is that this isn’t a situation you should find distressing at all from such a personal standpoint. It’s really not about you, and you are placing yourself as a central figure here when this poor couple has received troubling news. It’s more than a bit self-centered that you are more worried about being “in the know” than you are about how this young woman might be feeling. They are worried about the pregnancy. You are bashing your DIL because she feels more comfortable confiding her fears to her own mother than she is with you. Think about that for a second.

Jesus Christ I came on here for some opinions and gentle support not for character assassinations on my son and myself.
You know who you are and I truly hope you’re not counsellors or involved with The Samaritans.
Without a doubt you could easily push a distressed and depressed person over the edge!
Shameful.

Well that’s the thing. Some folks are of the mindset that pregnant women have less rights to medical privacy than other patients. Once you become gravid, you must consider everyone else’s feelings when navigating difficult medical setbacks