Feeling left out

Out here in the real world - we have our own busy lives, our 'parenting' is firmly in the past, we keep in touch and show concern, of course. We are not best friends with MILs or DILs and have no wish to be.

Only on GN, there's this unhealthy fixation with wider family - the expectation of close involvement - and the weird claiming of some extended parental role, the claiming of grandchildren before they're even born!

It's like the role of (helicopter) mother is permanent and extended to include the next generation - very sad.

Where has the OP stated she has a right to know? The OP hasn't claimed some extended parental role or claimed her GC before s/he's even been born.

These comments are irrelevant.

Hetty I don't understand it either

VioletSky

Why would you wish that eddiescat

A lot of us have genuinely tried to help this relationship from self destructing

When that is taken as an attack on an OP rather than insight into how to achieve strong healthy relationships with others then it is doomed to fail

You need to walk in someone's shoes before you start telling them where they are going wrong in life.

No not really

That's a dangerous approach to life eddiescat

To have the mentality that "only those who have been through what I have experienced can help me" puts you in the position of only listening to those who have similar relationship issues.

Given that they could not make their relationships work either... They won't have good advice

Couple that with any kind of need to just have pure empathy and support for your situation will lead you down a path that achieves absolutely no personal growth or change

It's just not healthy

I am always willing to listen to those with a different perspective. As long as they have listened and heard mine and aren't taking their own situation out on me. Which happens sometimes and I have reached a place where I can be patient for that, while pointing out it is unreasonable

As a relatively recent MIL I am not sure why the OP feels "left out".
I appreciate that all families are different but i would have thought that it is usual to share information about potential pregnancy complications with her partner & her mother but not necessarily the wider family.
As a PP has said there is always a risk that you somewhat become "defined by the potential problem" & are always being asked about it which can increase anxiety.
When i think back to my pregnancies 30 years ago i would probably only have told my partner.
I wouldn`t have told my mother anything about my life & my MIL (who i had a generally good relationship with) would not have been particularly interested.

Sorry *VioletSky" but I have read many of your posts and I can't recall a single one where you have changed your opinions after "listening to those with a different perspective ".
I'm not going to engage further - it is pointless and depressing

eddiecat78

Sorry *VioletSky" but I have read many of your posts and I can't recall a single one where you have changed your opinions after "listening to those with a different perspective ".
I'm not going to engage further - it is pointless and depressing

Oh goodness

Well, I am not sure you have read all of my posts, unless you have been following me in some way

But yes my opinions are very subject to change and do... Maybe they just don't change in a direction you agree with

Sometimes it depends who I am talking too, if they have a clear animosity towards me and tend to get a bit personal, there is definitely less chance I will take them seriously

eddiecat78

I give up. I'm starting to hope some of you go on to experience this in your family and then your eyes might be opened

How do you know we haven't and we are not posting from experience? Some of us don't share personal details and assuming that we are not giving good advice, which we know works, is simply wrong.

Haven’t you got something else to get on with VS? Maybe something you enjoy? Instead of going endlessly round in circles reiterating your position?
This thread has run its course and I’m not trying to be the thread police but this discussion has been pointless for at least 24 hours.
I’m off to watch some paint dry!

Well that's telled youse all!

maddyone

Haven’t you got something else to get on with VS? Maybe something you enjoy? Instead of going endlessly round in circles reiterating your position?
This thread has run its course and I’m not trying to be the thread police but this discussion has been pointless for at least 24 hours.
I’m off to watch some paint dry!

No, I am quite happy

Why is it pointless?
I am relatively new to the MIL club so am interested in other posters experience.
Mind you i would probably find watching paint dry quite relaxing!

Yes, all families are different Goodbyetoallthat. When we were having our boys, I didn't expect Mr. S. to keep anything from his mum. Thankfully there were no complications or concerns but had there been, I certainly wouldn't have told him he couldn't talk to his mum about them.

I agree that there's the possibility of always been asked about a potential problem and being defined by it, but some ridiculous conclusions have been jumped too on this thread and I cannot see how they can possibly be construed as trying to help or offering support.

It’s possibly pointless because the original poster is long gone, but it can always help someone else perhaps.
Welcome to GN by the way gbtat

*doesn’t want my son to ever tell us anything.
Am I wrong to find this hurtful?*

No you are not wrong to find this hurtful.

There are some people in life who we all have to tread on eggshells.

For whatever reason, your dil sounds like that[not especially about the pregnancy, but in general].
Your son sounds like he may being doing that too? Walking on eggshells around her?
Some husbands are perfectly content to do that sort of thing. For ever. Some are not. At least not in the longer term.

If she is just being hesititant to say anything to you in general, it may be her.
If she just does it with you, you may have said things, or many things in the past which she found unpleasant or hurtful?

Going forward.
I dont think there will be much you can do in the short term. Other than watch your ps and qs. A lot.

That should say, if she does that with just you, you may have said etc

eddiecat78

I give up. I'm starting to hope some of you go on to experience this in your family and then your eyes might be opened

I respect my DILs’ rights to their own medical info and bodily autonomy. I don’t treat them as incubators, so I suspect if issues do arrive it won’t be because I am trying to put myself at the center of their personal business. Their bodies are their personal business.

If the OP struggles to understand these basic tenets, I am not shocked the DIL has kept her at arms length for 10 years. Seems safe and sensible with a MIL who gets together to talk behind your back with her other DILs.

VioletSky

MercuryQueen right?

It's not information about the baby, it's information about the mother. It is the mother who may need surgery should the placenta not move. Let her have a bit of space to deal with the possibility of a serious surgery. I'd rather do my first 4 labours back to back than deal with that recovery

Well, according to the OP the DIL has no reason to be concerned about the possibility of major abdominal surgery. After all, the OP had 6 children herself. No one else’s experiences matter. And according to the OP’s defenders here, usual DIL haters, this is a perfectly civilised position to take. And the DIL is wrong for not wanting to be close to someone who lacks such basic concern and respect.

Delila

Well…… I imagine the OP is feeling ground down and trampled underfoot after reading all this, her character ripped to shreds. Being a mother-in-law is a dangerous role to fill these days.

And yet with 3 if my own, I cannot relate.

maddyone

Haven’t you got something else to get on with VS? Maybe something you enjoy? Instead of going endlessly round in circles reiterating your position?
This thread has run its course and I’m not trying to be the thread police but this discussion has been pointless for at least 24 hours.
I’m off to watch some paint dry!

Why the personal attack? It’s your choice to engage her or not. Your choice to engage or leave the thread. This is the online equivalent of making a big, unsolicited announcement and taking some parting shots on the way out…much like the OP who couldn’t handle being told she wasn’t innocent and right .

There has been criticism of the OP and her other DILs talking about the pregnant DIL. Just as a matter of interest, does that mean that if one member of a family behaves badly no-one else is allowed to mention it? I'm pretty sure that if I was a pain in the neck my children would talk about it amongst themselves

🤦🏼‍♀️

eddiecat78

There has been criticism of the OP and her other DILs talking about the pregnant DIL. Just as a matter of interest, does that mean that if one member of a family behaves badly no-one else is allowed to mention it? I'm pretty sure that if I was a pain in the neck my children would talk about it amongst themselves

That's because they are your children and as such they occupy a special place in your life. No one else will ever do this. Would you be happy if they then discussed your behaviour with say their partner's family and told them how awful you are?
We only have the OP's version anyway. It may well be that the DILs talk behind her back and say how awful she is.

Where did the DIL behave badly? By not falling in line with her MIL? There is no evidence of that. Sometimes people in families don’t feel the same closeness. That’s not a reason to paint them as behaving badly.

And no, we generally don’t get together to discuss things we don’t like about other family members. Gossip in the family has no positives. It’s incredibly divisive and if it happened in my home where two of my DIL’s were discussing the other, I’d ask them not to do that in my home. I cannot imagine stooping low enough to join, like catty school girls smh.