Families!!

Oh, its horrible isn't it?

If he doesn't join in etc would it be possible that the children and their Mum could come without him?

I'm really sorry to hear this. Usually time is a healer for these things if both sides want to fix things. If it makes sense try to make sure that both sides understand the others POV. There may come a point when you do have to see whether the children and their mum could just come without him.

Can't they be adults and just ignore any bad behavior so the children can see their family?

It depends on his behaviour.
Is he uncouth, disruptive, argumentative, drunk or simply anti-social: the 'he's never tried to join in really'?
Large closely knit families where everyone does everything together, holidays, BBQs, Christmas etc. etc, do not appeal to all.
Does everyone have to do everything?
The family can't expect his wife and children to come if he is deliberately excluded. If he chooses to stay away that is a different matter, but it is not pleasant to threaten to stay away if he is invited.

Maybe he deliberately behaves badly - to cause exactly that reaction? A friend's husband did that. He didn't want to socialise and wasn't happy if she brought the kids over without him.

What eazybee says 👍🏻

Be practical, clearly you are in a situation that, of itself, has no resolution. Family atherings hence forward will have some oft the family missing.

Work out how many people will be missing if he is there and how many will be missing if it is just him and his family who do not attend. Whichever solution has the least family members not there. That is the way to go.

I suspect it will be excluding him and his family that will mean the least absences. Hve a talk with his wife, explain the problem. He is her husband it is up to her then, what she does, comes without him or doesn't come at all. The chances are he will be relieved to not have to attend family events he never enjoyed anyways.

There are good reasons which I actually agree with it’s his priorities which is what causes most problems he puts his mates and hobby before everything and that includes partner and kids. I know it’s her choice but it upsets her siblings so much. We don’t do everything together but once in a while we all like to meet up to catch up and let the little ones see their cousins. I can only try and persuade them to let it go for everyone’s sake.
Thanks for the advice

1. Is the man aware that people dislike him so much?
2. Does his attitude or behaviour disrupt the gathering?

Unless it's a big Yes to Q2, everyone should make the best of it.
Those who are objecting should think about whether they're happy to hurt their relative (the wife) by their own behaviour.

Would you be friends with that person if he wasn't a relative?

What is the rift and the behaviour about?

If it is Yes to Q2, explain to the wife why she and the children are invited but the man is not.
Then it's up to her.

If it is [just] mates and hobbies, I would have a talk with the remaining family members to see if they will change their minds.
Perhaps there is more to it though?

What eazybee said!

But if
"it’s his priorities which is what causes most problems he puts his mates and hobby before everything and that includes partner and kids"

then that's not really everyone's problem, but something between him and his partner, and not a really a reason for excluding him and puts his partner in a very difficult situation.

Grin and bear it for the children's sake?

Sorry but I am confused.
If I have read this right, in the opinion of her siblings a relative's partner puts his mates and hobbies above her and they take priority over family gatherings, with which she is content. Consequently they want him disinvited (excluded) from future family gatherings, but if this happens, she and their children won't come either.

Nice family.

I thank everyone for the input and realise that unless I explain in more detail (which I won’t do) it’s difficult to grasp the whole situation. It’s something I’ll just have to hope resolves itself with time. Thanks everyone.

I know you haven't said anything about what he is like with his wife and children but, if the children are growing up with a parent who doesn't put their needs first it is so important they are surrounded by loving family

I have 3 children. The older two (daughter and son) just don’t get on. They are always at loggerheads, so much so, my son ‘uninvited’ her to their first little one’s christening. I was heartbroken. But it was their child, their occasion. I didn’t enjoy it - my son could see it. Eight years on, they are sort of ok with one another (d.i.l. is still anti sister-in-law, but they tolerate each other.) - very strong and opinionated personalities in our family- that’s the problem.
I know how you feel. Hopefully, things will calm down by the time next Summer comes along and you will all have a great time together. He can’t be that bad, can he ? 😂

It's up to family members to do as they wish tanith.

Excluding a family member's husband because you don't approve of how he carries out his responsibilities as a husband and father is extremely judgemental. If anyone doesn't wish him to be included and feels strongly enough about it, they can choose to opt out.

A horrible position to put this man's wife in TBH.

I believe they are partners so technically he is not part of the family anyway.

It's an awkward position to be in I was in a situation like that. My advice don't arrange family gatherings let the family sort things out for themselves.
Don't be piggy in the middle you don't need the upset or aggravation.

Smileless2012

It's up to family members to do as they wish tanith.

Excluding a family member's husband because you don't approve of how he carries out his responsibilities as a husband and father is extremely judgemental. If anyone doesn't wish him to be included and feels strongly enough about it, they can choose to opt out.

A horrible position to put this man's wife in TBH.

I agree.. excluding people gives a very poor impression to children.. I think all the family could be invited and if he or other family members choose not to go then that is their choice.. if you're going abroad there should be plenty of space to avoid conflicts..

I think all the family could be invited and if he or other family members choose not to go then that is their choice

I agree with this but If he really doesn't want to come he should be "allowed" to stay at home.
Maybe, if his wife knows he hates the gatherings anyway, this would be an easy solution.

I would also suggest lots of space for everyone.
Nothing worse than being crammed together if not all will see eye to eye!

Thanks for all suggestions I’m going to let someone else do the planning and join them as and when I want.

Can you/they choose a week when you know he will be engaged in one of is very important hobbies so that just his partner and children will come?

It would be a pity for them to miss out because other members of the family dislike him. If he doesn't join in anyway perhaps he'll go off to do his own thing. If he's obnoxious then perhaps a couple of the other adults (men?) could whisper in his ear "Not the time or place, mate, give it a rest".