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(40 Posts)
Pinkj Sun 03-Sep-23 12:42:54

We have just found out that my stepdaughter is pregnant. Her Dad and I have been together for many years, but my relationship with her has always been tricky. There has always been a degree of separation between us, and her with my (younger) children. We are very excited about the baby, but I’m unsure how to navigate this sensitively. My husband keeps just referring to himself as being a Grandad, but when my stepdaughter told us she was pregnant, she asked me whether I wanted to be Nan or Nana, and she was talking to my children about being an Aunty and Uncle, so I did feel that she wants us all involved, which I would love. I have always been conscious of her own Mum, and I would never step on her toes, but my children still live with us, and so when we are in our house, I would like us all to be included.

Any advice?

Fleur20 Sun 03-Sep-23 12:56:26

Regarding what you are to be "called" you could suggest that you would like to start by being "your choice between nan/nana" and see when the wee one takes it!! Sometimes youngsters take names off in unique directions depending on their speech development!!
Discuss with your husband a budget and perhaps offer a sum of money TOWARDS a pram/ cot / car seat... these are all incredibly expensive these days.. rightly or wrongly.. but this lets the prospective parents choose exactly what they want as opposed to having to negotiate taste and style differences with you... always a minefield.
Having children is completely different these days...apparently.. vocabulary and approaches etc but it sounds as if your own children are still quite young so you are probably quite aux fait already.
Offer help you are able to follow through with and remember to spoil Mum!

Theexwife Sun 03-Sep-23 12:59:12

She is including you by asking what you want to be called, I don't really know in what other way you mean.

Re what you want to be called I would just say that whatever she thinks is fine by you and that are just happy to be a part of the baby's life.

welbeck Sun 03-Sep-23 13:05:09

i don't understand the problem.
she sounds v friendly, including you as a GP.
maybe say her own mother has first dibs on titles; what about, granny first name.

Nannashirlz Sun 03-Sep-23 13:13:38

Well you can’t be anymore included than asked what you want to be called. I’ve a step grandson and when his mum got pregnant with my son he asked me what I would be to the baby and I said it’s nanna and he looked and said if it’s going to be my brother then you will be my nanna too he was 6 then. He’s 13 now. I was like you didn’t know how to be with him having his own grandparents not wanting to step on toes but it’s been fine. So I wouldn’t over think it just go along with it and my oldest son wife’s parents are divorced and my granddaughter calls the parents partners gran Helen and the mums bf gets called by his first name but that’s what he asked for. I didn’t have a problem with my granddaughter calling her but I know my daughter inlaws mum did but she doesn’t like her ex lol nout has funny has families

Smileless2012 Sun 03-Sep-23 13:25:20

I agree with Theexwife. Choose one of the suggestions she's made saying 'if that's OK with you' and thank her for wanting you to be included.

NotSpaghetti Sun 03-Sep-23 13:36:25

I would suggest you say how pleased you are and that you will use her choice of name/title.

I've it were me (and she had a good relationship with her mum) I might say "do you want to ask X first?". She may appreciate your thoughtfulness. She may have asked her already of course. Either way I think it would point out (kindly) that you know she has another "mum" out there. Tell her you been conscious of her own Mum, and would never step on her toes, but that you are delighted and honoured to be included in her new family. Obviously use your own words - but becoming a mum is quite profound and we all reconfigure and reestablish who we are in the world at that point.

Presumably the new aunts and uncles are pleased too. I'd say how excited they are for her - and for being aunties and uncles.

Hetty58 Sun 03-Sep-23 13:47:37

My grandson has five grannies (lots of divorces on father's side) and we all ended up as 'Nan'!

Hithere Sun 03-Sep-23 14:03:27

She is including you as a gp, and your children as aunts/uncles, so that is good

However, i would take it like it is face value - a name request.

I wouldn't assume the roles and involvement associated yo those titles, how often to see baby, babysit, etc

You are worrying too much- let this happen naturally.
Your dh should ask his daughter what is expected of you and him.

pascal30 Sun 03-Sep-23 14:12:53

I can't see your problem she IS including you all.. I'd be jolly grateful... just be called what seems natural..

Pinkj Sun 03-Sep-23 15:03:17

I’m not at all worried about what to be called. I just don’t want to get it wrong!

eddiecat78 Sun 03-Sep-23 15:32:13

It is complicated. Our DS has a partner who has 2 children so we have recently a

eddiecat78 Sun 03-Sep-23 15:36:47

Whoops - posted too soon!
Anyway - we have 2 teenage stepgrandchildren. We are fond of them but don't want our actual grandchildren feeling pushed out. And the "steps" already have a full quota of grandparents who probably wouldn't appreciate us "muscling in" It's a tricky balance. They call us by our Christian names

Cabbie21 Sun 03-Sep-23 15:59:07

My grandchildren have lots of grandparents, stepgrandparents, grandparents-in-law and every combination you name. Only actual blood relatives have a Granny- type title, the rest are called by their first name. Not a problem. If our paths cross there are no issues. Lucky children get lots of presents.

As you have been offered a choice of names, you are obviously accepted as a grandparent. That’s great. The baby may invent their own version, of course.

grannysyb Sun 03-Sep-23 16:41:46

I have four step grandchildren, as well as three of my own. The steps call me by my first name. My own call me Granny. I think that if I was called by a traditional grandparent name their grandmother would be annoyed.

Pinkj Sun 03-Sep-23 16:45:19

It’s unlikely that their grandmother and my paths will cross, so I doubt it’ll be an issue, but who knows. My own children aren’t very young, they are 13 and 16, so it’s unlikely there’ll be any more grandchildren for a while! It sounds like it’s going to be as complicated as I’m expecting it to be, really. I suppose the advice from this is just to step back and see what role she wants us all to play, if any.

Chardy Sun 03-Sep-23 17:04:47

She sounds really positive about your role. That's an excellent start

Pinkj Sun 03-Sep-23 17:06:37

I hope so. Gosh, families are so complicated!

MrsKen33 Sun 03-Sep-23 17:27:24

My daughter is a step grandparent. The children call her Granny A. Their parents call her by her given name A

Pinkj Sun 03-Sep-23 17:40:03

We did agree on Nanny <<my name>> wink

Sparklefizz Sun 03-Sep-23 18:32:19


I hope so. Gosh, families are so complicated!

Yes, families are complicated Pinkj but you seem determined to make this complicated when it's not.

You're being totally included, and I'm not being funny but I don't know why you're seeing problems where none exist.

Pinkj Sun 03-Sep-23 18:58:27

It’s just who I am as a person grin

Redhead56 Mon 04-Sep-23 00:46:55

She is including you and yours and you should embrace it as it’s a compliment.

SewnSew Mon 04-Sep-23 11:15:30

The little Ukrainian girl who was living with my son's family called us Nana One and Nana Two. Thankfully I didn't at all mind being Nana Two! But, and I know this doesn't reflect well on me, I do struggle with the thought of my son's birth mother, who has recently come into his life, being called Nana by my grandchildren.

biglouis Mon 04-Sep-23 11:29:04

I never met my paternal grandmother (lots of rifts in family) so the only grandmother I ever knew was Nan or Nanna. My cousins (who knew their paternal grandmother) called them both Granny (surname) to distinguish between them.