In a state in inertia when DH around - from Mumsnet

I come to this from a ADHD perspective. I work best when there is nothing around me to distract me. When I worked I hated working in an open office.

Once DH retired he was around the house, doing his own thing, hidden behind his computer on his side of our huge partners desk, but he is there, so a permanent distraction, probably only on the edge of my mind but there.

DH is out today, and I have done and will do so much.

I find it irritating to have my husband sitting, sleeping, in front of the tv, and then having the cheek to complain when I get the vacuum cleaner out or whinging because the washing makes a noise.

That is the washing machine

I know I sound like the ‘little woman at home’, but I always waited until DH was out to tackle big jobs. Before retirement, he worked away, so I did whatever needed doing between Monday and Thursday. When he retired, his hobby took him away several days a week, so my routine just stayed the same.
When I did tackle a job, or later, when he was ill and slouched on the sofa watching TV, I honestly think he didn’t have an inkling where I was or what I was doing! He certainly never came to find me, or offer a helping hand.
My friends always said that he thought our house was self cleaning or there were cleaning fairies at work through the night. I should add that his working life gave us a good living, although it did prevent me from working outside the home - I did voluntary work for years, then became an unpaid carer for my parents and DD2.

I am interested in M0nica's persepctive.
I'm going to mention another one. Some people feel that their job in life is to look after other people, make them comfortable, respond to them quickly. When others are about, they automatically (usually without thinking) downgrade their own activities, to almost 'being on call' to the other person.
I am talking about emotions here, not those who need to physically / practically care for someone.

Probably not all or most who experience this, but worth considering.

I must admit I like a day on my own to tackle bigger jobs so that I don't have to clear up as I go and can do it all at the end. My husband is a much tidier worker than I am.

Some men don't seem to be able to think for themselves. My DH is a capable man when it comes to DIY and reasonably helpful with housework. But I have to make every decision when it comes to holidays, days out, what to eat, what he will wear, optician's appointments, banking and paying bills .... it does make me a bit cross and I feel like I am his mother. So definitely when I am on my own in the house I do get more done that I want to get on with.

I think you have a point nannarose. As for physically caring - my friends still regularly say that I was the best nurse the NHS never had to pay!

skydancer, that's what is called wifework on MN, and many younger women simply refuse to do it.
i was interested to read of one such who at her wedding reception was given and address book with family birthdays by her MIL. his family.
she simply gave it back, saying, i don't send cards.

I am similar to M0nica. I suspect I have ADD (I'm not diagnosed) and am very haphazard when doing housework - stopping and starting, and breaking off the vacuuming to put washing in, then spotting that there is something to do in the kitchen, get distracted by that, and decide to start preparing the dinner, doing that until I go to answer the door, then remember the half-hoovered sitting room, which I forget again as I take Mr Dog the parcel I've just taken in.

It sort of works for me, and I get there in the end, but it's frustrating for others to watch, and it makes me murderous if someone (ie Mr Dog) comments, however well-intentioned he may have been.

The biggie for me, though, is that I can't be on the phone if someone is listening. I speak to a friend once a week, and call my mum and sister often. None of the conversations are 'private', or about secrets other than on the level of what we've bought for Christmas presents, but I hate being overheard. I don't really know why, but it's just inhibiting. Mr D doesn't really understand (nor do I!) but he accepts it's just how I am. If we are at home I just go to another room, and if we are away he'll find a reason to go out and leave me to it.

doodledog I agree about the telephone thing! Especially if it's my husband hanging around, he's a bit of an eavesdropper which is annoying. I think that is pretty common though, you can tell that people aren't comfortable and shut down the call quickly.

Absolutely agree with not being able to clean properly as other half now works from home all the time! Don't know what it is, but it makes me very lazy somehow!!

It’s funny you mention that Doodledog, because I absolutely hate being overheard or listened to when I’m on the phone. I phone my school friend (friends for nearly 60 years) and we can chat for two hours, but I don’t want to have an audience. Also when I phone my niece, we can talk for England, but don’t want to be overheard. And the same with other friends too. I’ve no idea why I feel like this, I just do.

I totally empathise with the mumsnet lot. I’ve always protected DH from the tedious mundane because of his work and the hours he worked. When he was away I booked in the decorator etc but now since retirement I’ve reaped what I’ve sown. DH does not have what I call peripheral vision- others call it the mental load that women carry. He hasn’t a clue about birthdays or what is involved in socialising.I keep the contacts up and he likes reading what I write or the responses. I tried when he first retired to do nothing when he did nothing but I ended up on my iPad reading books or searching for information. Now he hates me being on my iPad as he feels I should be watching tv with him.very boring.

I totally agree. I stagnate when DH is at home, but when he is at work, I can focus and get on with things. I think one of the problems is that he interrupts me constantly to talk or show me things (lol! perhaps he should apologise for breathing!) but it distracts me and I lose motivation. He is also constantly busy when he is at home, which makes me look lazy, because I sit around knitting or reading (his presence makes me feel de-motivated) but as soon as I have the house to myself, I am really organised and busy. I think I have spent so much time alone at home, since I gave up to have children and run the home, that I don't like sharing my space during the day. He always worked extremely long hours, so I rarely saw him when the children were small - and of course they were at school from the age of four. I've grown to like my own company

I’m retired, MrJ works sort of p/t, as we both used to work, we both do the tedious household stuff, so if he’s off, he’s as likely to vacuum as me.
I’m happy to make phone calls with him there, but if he’s watching something I move to another room.
So to answer the OP, it doesn’t make any difference either way in our house, I can ignore the jobs if he’s here or not 🙂.

We live slightly different to some of you. My husband's work is where we live, has been since he began his business (and gave up an occupation working for other than himself). I'm used to him being near (within 1/4 mile), I love that.

I've ADD, he's quite opposite and helps keep me OTOT.

My DH died almost 3 years ago. In some ways I manage fine on my own as I always paid the bills and organised tradesmen etc. In some ways it's easier because if a house job needs doing I get someone in and don't make my poor DH feel he ought to be doing it himself.

But, big but, I miss his ideas, his excitement about projects, his infinite kindness to everyone not just me

I always had my own workspace and he had his so we didn't get under each others feet.

I maybe slightly more productive now but much less happy 😁

That's sad, Grammaretto. My husband hasn't been well for a while now, and I often wonder how I will manage if anything happens to him. He's a hands on sort of person, and, being a tradesman, organises everything to do with the house. And although I enjoy my own company, I often wonder whether I will cope with be lonely if he goes before me🤔😔. I suppose like me you have family, but it can't be easy to be without someone when you are used to having them around.

Thanks Fairy cakes. I didn't mean to hijack this thread with a poor me story but there is always another side isn't there.
I am not lonely in the sense of being by myself as I've joined every club going and volunteer to keep me busy.

Living alone does take some getting used to after 50 years of being a couple but lots of people choose to and prefer their own company.

Grammaretto says it perfectly. Possibly more productive but so much less happy.

Don't worry, you didn't highjack. As you say, it's good to hear different points of view. 50 years is a long time to be with someone, but it sounds as though you are making the best of things and have a full life 😊. I think joining clubs and volunteer work is the way to go.

Please don't moan about your darling husband's . Yes they can be a pain . But when they die you lose half of yourself . Well that's how I feel . I had 29 years with my husband 22 married..We met when I was 16 he was 18.

We argued but never about important things . But we found the other half of ourselves. We made a whole. He was the only person in the world who knew the real me and I him .
My husband died in agony unable to breath and I had to tell him to stop fighting we would be ok. But the moment he took his last breath half of me died.

He could be a pain in the arse and didn't always like him but it was the same for him. But we loved eachother so much. I am lonely but only for him. I made a life for myself but it's bloody hard even nearly 20 years since he died. He died 4 days after his 47th birthday I was 45 our children 20 and 16.

He always knew I had pains in my legs and fell a lot from the start in 1975. But he wanted to know me. When my health got worse in 1988 it didn't phase him he just said we alter our way of life to suit what you can do and be a normal family. He kept his word until he died.

Found out last year I was born with a rare hereditary neurological condition plus a hole in my heart. My fit healthy husband died and I am still here at 65.

I would give anything for my husband back fit and healthy. But I can't.

If you are truly the other half of eachother cherish it and the love you feel. Because it horrible when you lose it.

Whiff I am not sure that any of us are complaining about our DH's, more just commenting on a phenomena, which is that when someone else is in the house, it is not as easy to settle down and give one's whole attention to doing something for any time, because you are conscious of their presence, and feel that to ignore someone who is around and about for any time, is somehow impolite.

Other times that person is either communicating with you or suggesting joint activities, which breaks attention. that attention may well be welcome. 'Do you want a coffee?', 'Shall we go out for lunch?' or the normal conversation of life 'Have you seen my electrical screwdriver?'. But it breaks attention.

In my case my DH's work took him away from home a lot, usually just days, but sometimes weeks and on a few occasions months, so life was a happy mix of time with him and time to myself. This continued into retirement as he kept working, but gradually he travelled less and less and those times I was so used to gradually disappeared - and, yes, it was difficult to adjust to.

It doesn't mean we do not love and care for our DH's and will be bereft if we are left widows, which many of us will be.

Agreed, M0nica.

I don't like mine under my feet when I'm busy, but that doesn't mean I don't want him there at all, or that I'm complaining about him, just about having someone around when I want to get on with things.